I can't eat, I can't sleep anymore...

Alright, one of those is not true...as I sit in front of my laptop with a bowl of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream, I am unable to sleep. I tired my usual “taking care of business” with porn...TWICE, and my other ritual of watching Golden Girls to make me sleepy, neither of which worked. I think I am a little worried to go back to school tomorrow morning.

See what happened was, I have missed a lot of school, and I was put on attendance probation, which meant that if I missed one day of school, or arrived one minute late I would be suspended for three days, and if I missed again after that I might be expelled. I did fine for a week, then I got the flu. They restarted my time when I got back, and I did fine again for the first week, but then I slept right through my alarm on Tuesday. I tried calling in that night (when the administrator would be out) and leaving this lady Nicole a message, but her box was full; so I suspended myself for three days and I go back. I am scared that I might get expelled, and I really don't want this to happen. I was finally getting the swing of hair, I understood the architecture of haircuts, color, and I was getting my groove on when it came to hair creativity. I admit hair isn't my first passion, musical theater still holds that position, but I have learned to love what I do. I am also scared to fail at something yet again, I have had so many signs that make me feel like I am a loser, and I can't finish things, I really don't need another thing telling me that feeling this way is right. I am hoping that I do not get expelled, and I get given another chance, but do you know how many chances I have gotten from this school!? I am scared that the schedule that I am on is wearing me out too much, and I won't be able to make it. This god damn flu kicked my ass, it's bad enough that I have the god damn AIDS, and hepatitis C, but that flu just knocked the wind out of me and I have been so fucking tired, I have cut down on my meetings, and still I am just pooped, I am frightened that not only will I not be able to finish school, but even if I do that I wont be able to function in the real world, with a real job. To quote Ms. Dorothy Gale...”I'm frightened Auntie Em, I'm frightened!!”

It's been a long road, getting from there to here...

So yesterday, right after I published my last blog I made a very startling realization. This has been the longest that I have ever been clean, EVER. My previous attempt at sobriety, started on January 15th, 2007 and ended on Grammy night of 08 (which was 2/10/08), that was one year and twenty five days, I currently have 1 year, 1 month, and 10 days. This realization last night, really strengthened my self esteem as far as my program is pertained. I could honestly give two fucks what people have to say about my program, I wish I had made this realization Saturday afternoon, because I had somewhat of an incident that made me loose faith in this program, the people in it to be exact. The speaker I had lined up for my meeting that night went M.I.A. , so I was scrambling at the last minute to find someone via phone. A lot of people were busy, or had plans they could not break, but one person called me back and said something along the following lines: “I don't feel comfortable speaking at your meeting because I don't support the way you run your program, and I don't want anyone to think that I do” I was so fucking pissed off at this douche bag! He was being selfish, and stupid in my opinion. First of all, you are not supposed to say no to a request to speak, that is my first point; but I feel that he wasn't punishing me ( I have heard him speak a million times before, and didn't really care for hearing him cry through his same ol story yet again, but I was desperate for a speaker) he was punishing the other people who attend that meeting, the newcomers who are going through rehab and haven't heard him share before, even though I may not have gotten anything from his share, he could have gotten to somebody else who may have needed to hear his story, hear his hope. Something else that I thought was, that in a sense I was being punished for my honesty; I mean does he know everyone's program who's meeting he has spoken at, or for that matter does he know if they truly have the time that the say they do!? I was having coffee with my best friend Chad the other day, and a friend of his joined us, he had 10 days of sobriety, and I was asking him about what meetings he went to, he said to me he was leery of going to meetings geared towards meth addicts because the last time he went to one, the speaker said he had 8 years, and in fact this guy had partied with him only weeks before; so he went out again after seeing him and didn't stop using for two or so years; he also shared that he wasn't comfortable with going to meetings for alcoholics because he wasn't comfortable sharing his drug experiences in those rooms. I assured him, that not everyone in the meth program is a liar, that there will definitely be others like that first speaker, or people who talk about you behind your back, but there will always be honest, loving, non-judgmental people there too. I think what I am trying to say is what I have said many times before, ain't nobody's opinion of me and/or my program gonna ever make me not show up to a meeting when I need one.

Guess who's back!?

So, it's been a couple of weeks since my last blog. I have to admit something, I was shut in my room for two weeks straight, only coming out to eat and to use the bathroom...but YES I am still clean, I was merely sick with the swine flu (appropriate, huh!?) I know I could have written since my computer was right there next to my bed, but I was just in such a funk...I have this love/hate relationship with being sick. Of course the hate part comes from just being in total pain but the love comes from the fact that I can do what I love best, which is to just lay down and watch TV all day and night. I have definitely caught up with most of my shows, and I started watching some new ones ( I am LOVING Modern Family, and Flash Forward!!)

I did manage to leave the house last Sunday because I had tickets to the gay event of the season, Kylie Minogue at the Hollywood Bowl, and what a fucking blast that was! West Hollywood must have been empty, because the Bowl was crawling with every muscled up plucked queen there has ever been! Ms. Minogue was in rare form and fucking just kicked ass! I came back and kept recovering from the swine flu for a couple of more days before heading back to my regular schedule of school, and work.

One major development that has happened, is that my best friend in the world Chad has resurfaced. Chad was someone that I met in rehab about a year ago, and we became the best of friends, he was the Mary to my Rhoda, the thing about Chad is that for the first time in a long time someone “got me”, my sense of humor, my music, my moods, EVERYTHING, and I got his! There have been many substitute best friends in between, but none that matched the relationship that we had, and now thankfully we have again. We have hung out a couple of times now, and it has been great just picking up where we left off, catching up on our lives, and just getting back to living life to the fullest. There has been plenty of drama going on, which I will definitely write about soon, but for now I will go lay down, watch some TV and rest up for my first day back at work. It being Saturday I will share a song that is very dear to me and my bestie Chad, “Son of a Preacher Man” by the incomparable Dusty Springfield!

Maybe I'm addicted, I'm out of control...but you're the only reason I'm trying...

I am so fucking excited that tonight marks the official beginning of the 2009 TV season! TV is truly my first addiction and I don't plan on ever doing anything about it, some of my favorites are coming back: How I Met Your Mother, Big Bang Theory, NCIS, Ghost Whisperer and Family Guy to name a few, there is also a show that I just became a fan off over the summer, that one is Bones, and of course Glee goes without saying as being one of my favorite new shows, which was created by the people who brought us Popular a while ago (one of my all time favorite shows) and of course there is the crop of new shows that I am looking forward to seeing: NCIS: LA, Flash Forward, Stargate: Universe, Eastwick and mid season replacement V! Tonight I already saw one of the newer shows I was interested in, and that one is Accidentally on Purpose, which is a sitcom on CBS starring Jenna Elfman, whom I LOVE from one of my ultimate fave shows Dharma & Greg (since I long to meet MY Greg sometime) it was cute, and promising, it has a cute premise: woman breaks up with commitment-phobic boyfriend, has a one night stand with a YOUNG guy from a bar, and gets pregnant with his kid,then ex boyfriend wants to get back together...the pilot was quite promising, but it's still to early to say whether it'll be able to keep bringing the funny week after week. I am just so grateful for my TiVo, and may I just briefly go on and on about my favorite little computer program, Tivo Desktop Plus!!?? What with my busy school/work/meeting schedule I don't always have time to watch ALL the things my TiVo records for me, so I can just transfer whatever show I wanna watch onto my computer and then convert it to an mp4 file so that I can watch it anywhere I take my Zune with me! I love the damn thing, because I have been able to take all the musical numbers from Glee and turn them into little music videos for myself, so fucking fun! Anyway, off I go to watch HIMYM and BBT before bed!

Last night I partied like it was 5769!

Don't worry kids, I did not “party” last night I was merely adapting a popular song for comical purposes of conveying what I did last night, which was I went to temple and partook in Rosh Hashana services at Kol Ami! I hadn't been to temple in a while, I know...bad bad Jew, but it totally was an amazing and spiritual experience for me. It made me contemplate my year, which has been one of some turmoil but in general has been great.

The temple that I go to is amazing, the rabbi is an amazing lesbian and the cantor is just to DIE FOR! His voice and the musical arrangements that he comes up with are just so moving and genius. My friend Rob, who got me into services for free offered to help me get a membership at our congregation (which is normally a very expensive thing) and I am definitely interested, the only thing holding me back is that I haven't officially converted to judaism. You see in judaism you're supposed to be your mother's religion and in Christianity your supposed to be your father's religion so I'm technically not supposed to have a religion at all. I went to church till I was around 10 or so, after which I could not handle all the hate that I heard from the priest, it confused me because my abuela (my mother's mother) was so religious and full of love, I could not understand why she belonged to such a hateful religion. I then learned that the religion itself isn't hateful, or at least it doesn't have to be. Anyway, I felt that judaism at least non orthodox judaism was far more welcoming than many other religions I have encountered, and the one I can identify with the most. I will most likely take a class at temple that is kind of an introduction to judaism and hopefully when I am done with school at Aveda, I will be able to fully take on classes to officially convert to judaism. I am by no means, a Torah thumper ( in fact I couldn't possibly quote you ANYTHING from the holy book) but I believe in this loving and caring God that I have been exposed to at Kol Ami, and look forward to growing not only as a man, but as a spiritual being.

It being Saturday, I will share with you a song that I had totally forgotten about till this fierce lady came out with her last album, and I went back to her older shit, I totally love this song, and would love sharing it with you, here is Robyn with “Show me Love”!

A sad state of affairs, this place could use a little repair...

I could say I am surprised, but then that would be a lie, I get home today from having an amazing evening with some friends to hear that they are canceling the meeting at my rehab, because they “allowed” me to take a cake there. I can understand them going on the record as being against my taking a cake, but to cancel a meeting that a lot of people depend on is just so fucking sad. Some of these people who have positions of “power” in recovery really let those positions get to their heads. I was going to take someone's advice and just stay quiet, and go to my meetings and get what I need from them and thats it, but that would be denying who I really am. People are just so fucking stupid with power sometimes!

I had an amazing session with my therapist today, which really cleared up a lot of things. I told him everything that had gone on this last week, with my controversy and to say he was enraged would be an understatement, this is a man who has 20+ years of sobriety, so it's not like he's someone ignorant to what 12 step programs are about. He likened those who are so angry about my taking a cake to people who wanted to pass Proposition 8, and extremist bible thumpers; who think that their way is THE way the program should be, when there is NOTHING in the 12 steps or traditions that mentions anything along these lines, as a matter of fact there is nothing in any of the books that even mentions celebrations of sobriety milestones. People say that drinking a glass of wine, or beer here and there is still affecting your head from thinking clearly. With that argument we should also be free of cigarettes, coffee, food, sex, should people who overindulge or stuff their feelings in addictive ways be prevented from taking cakes too? “Last week you shared about those 12 anonymous loads you took in a bush so you shouldn't take a cake, because that wasn't sober behavior” could be an argument made under that guise. It is just enraging to me how self important people who have time can be.

I will also repeat something I have said before, would you like me to start putting out lists of people who I KNOW for a fact have had alcohol, and even meth for that matter who have taken cakes for YEARS, when they barely have one under these small minded rules!? I am practicing MY PROGRAM of honesty, maybe the answer is to do what NYC does, not have sobriety milestones celebrations, how would you like THAT!? Then you would take away from all those new comers who have no idea what this lame bullshit debate is all about, people who have one or two days still coming down off of meth who see us bickering over somebody taking a cake!!?? A GOD DAMN CAKE!! You are more than welcome to use me as a cautionary tale if you want after I take a cake, tell them how my program is wrong all you want, but I am secure in the fact that I have not put a needle, pipe, straw, bump full of meth anywhere near me in over a year, and HURRAH for that! I am going to school, and taking care of business! So go ahead and put my program down all you want, I could really give two shits about what you have to say about it.

Imagine this scenario, a newcomer goes to his first meeting EVER, he is tired of getting fucked up on meth, his life has clearly become unmanageable and pathetic because of this horrendous drug he has been putting in his body for years, he doesn't think that alcohol is a problem for him, he hasn't really thought about drinking as an escape from his problems or feelings, he simply likes a glass of wine with dinner or the occasional Cosmo. He comes into a room where he expects love and kindness and help for his meth problem, but people keep yelling at him that he has to do it their way, or ELSE; so this guy doesn't come back into a meeting, and maybe he stays off meth for a bit, but he doesn't have a group of friends who know what he is going through, no one to share with when he craves that meth pipe every night, someone to call with his problems, so he just goes back to getting high over and over again. This should be a program of love and ACCEPTANCE, and it pains me to think that some people may not get the opportunity to make their lives better because somebody disagrees with the way I do MY program.

The end, is so much harder, when brought about by friends...

So as I mentioned yesterday, 8 years ago today I did something that forever changed my life. It was the day after we were attacked in NYC, the reality of it was slowly settling in. I had been partying recreationaly by then for about a year and a half now, keep it to once or twice a month at the most, and only on weekends. I was dealing with depression, though I hadn't started taking medicine for it. I was severely depressed and the tragic events had made me loose all faith and hope in humanity. I remember vaguely going to “party” with some hot little muscle boy on the Upper West Side for a while, but then I got a phone call from a friend of mine who lived in this palatial West Village penthouse, we had partied many times together, and he had offered to slam me many times before (slam is slang for shooting up, or injecting a drug intravenously) I had declined him, as I didn't want to be one of those kind of junkies; but as what little self respect and love that I had left inside me weakened I accepted his offer this time, and so began the beginning of my downward spiral. I remember feeling that first rush, how overwhelming it was, how “right” it felt, how I had finally found nirvana. Looking back on that day, I thankfully have mostly disgust rumbling around my body and mind. I often wonder where my life would have been had I never taken that first hit off the needle, but I never regret it, as it has brought me on the journey that I am on today.

Back then, I felt like I had joined an exclusive club. It's funny to me that before I shot up I looked at those who did as the lowest of the low, and felt such pity and disgust for them, but as soon as I became one of them, my feelings changed. Not that I felt that now that I was one of them, they weren't so bad, but the fact was that I was so proud of myself to be the lowest of the low. I can't believe how much my mind was warped by that awful drug. I am so happy to not be in that frame of mind anymore, but to be proud of where I am today, METH FREE for over a year now, it is so much clearer for me today that NO ONE, can fucking take that away from me. NO ONE!

This video, takes me back to college, one year before these tragic events, it's of a simpler time in my life. Here is Skid Row, with I Remember You!