Well sober living on fire to be exact, so I have been quiet for the last couple of days because my sober living was set on fire for the second time on Wednesday, well Thursday morning to be exact, at 3. And to top it all off we had to be up early the next day to have an 9am meeting to get ready to pack the house and move out for two days while they did yet another bed bug fumigation and they also had to shellac the whole place to make sure no bed bugs creep out of the floor like they were in Michael Jackson's Thriller video. So I spent the last couple of nights at my friend Tim's apartment...anyway it has been a very stressful couple of days, and to top THAT all of, we have been working so hard in school that they are moving our testing week up, and this coming week is our week of finals before we go onto the floor and take costumers. I am excited but scared as all hell, so any waking moment that I have free I will spend studying. Anyway I am tired as all hell, and I have to get ready for rehearsal!
Anyway my song for today, is my anthem I think, and it is by one of my favorite artists in the world...here you go with Robbie Williams: Come Undone!
So Sunday, I had a bit of an emotional journey. A small one in the scheme of things, but a journey none the less. I was supposed to go on my first date in sobriety, my first date in years to be honest. I must admit that it was with a guy who everybody kept telling me to watch out for, and warned me about repeatedly to stay away from. I had picked a movie to go to, and we were going to go after the meeting we usually go to. Half way through the meeting he starts talking up this boy that he was in rehab with, who is VERY hot, and I had heard that he had a thing for when they were both there. At the end of the meeting I am waiting for my date, and he comes up with the boy, and the boy says “So I hear we're going to the movies!?”, I immediately pull my date to the side and tell him that I do not want to hang out if it's going to be the three of us, expecting him to pick me over the boy. WRONG! He said, alright, I guess we'll reschedule...and walks away. I totally threw a pity party for myself on the bus ride home. I was indignant at how he could pick the other boy over me. It totally took me back to when I was dating my boyfriend Michael in NYC, with whom I had an open relationship and we had agreed that our only thing with the open relationship is that when it came down to it between me and the trick, I would of course come first; and how at the end of the relationship he would sometimes pick the trick over me. ANYWHO, I digress. I totally created a big space for this resentful feeling in my head, but after talking to friends and my therapist I have started seeing it as a blessing, that I got to see this asshole's true colors, and I have no business starting any type of relationship with him whether it be romantic, or a friendship. So good riddance to him!
On to my first addiction, TV. I must admit that I am still a bit saddened that the fierce and incomparable Nina Flowers did not win Rupaul's Drag Race last night! I didn't want her to win just because I sort of knew her, and had seen her perform in Puerto Rico a couple of times, but because I honestly thought that she was the best one there. Though I did think that Bebe did an amazing job, and if Nina lost to anyone at least it was her, and not the tragic Rebeca Glasscock. There are so many levels in which I DESPISE Rebeca, the first one is her last name, to those who don't know glass cock is another name for a drug pipe, be it meth, or crack, so the fact that s he named herself after drug paraphernalia really irked me to no end. I thought that she should have been kicked off instead of Jasmine, I thought she was a much more classy lady and a talent to boot! I just loved that show to no end, and can't wait for season 2, hurry up and get that new season up and running soon Ru Ru!!
On another side of TV I have found myself addicted to another show, The Locator, on WEEEEEEEEE, er I mean WE. I think that the idea of people finding their long lost relatives is such a beautiful and amazing experience, sometimes I wonder if it's because I have recently sparked an interest in finding my birth mother, who knows? Anyway, the only part I really like of the show is when they find them, the guy who does the finding though I couldn't possibly hate more. He is such an arrogant fuck, he drives a Hummer and he flies around on a private jet! I just think that with our economy and all our environmental woes there is no need to be such a gas guzzling fucker! GRRRRRR
On yet ANOTHER side of TV, my favorite show Battlestar Galactica aired it's last show on Friday night, due to my schedule I wasn't able to see it till yesterday afternoon. I found it to be quite a beautiful and amazing way to end such a great show! I would have been crying like a girl if it wasn't for my roommates stomping in and out at all the most inopportune times, but I guess that's the price of living in sober living!
Go mommy, it's your birthday , you gonna party like its your birthday! I would like to talk today about my mom. She is a God damn saint, but doesn't EVERYONE think their mother is a saint? Well anyone who has put up with my bullshit for this long HAS to be a saint, at least in my eyes. Anyway, today is her birthday, and she is turning 72. That really scares me, because I am pretty sure that when it comes time for them to move out of their home, I will be the caregiver for them.
First of all, let me back up, how does a 29 year old man, have a 72 year old mom? Well, let me tell you the short version. As a young wife, my mother and father adopted my sister and brother when they were 5 and 6 respectively, they are biologically my mother's cousins' children, but due to some tragic circumstances they moved in with my mom's folks and my folks. My mother and father had also been trying to bare children of their own, but God did not have that in his plans for them. He had one hot mess headed their way...cut to October 25th , 1979 when they were told that there son had been born in Bogotá, Colombia. A couple of weeks later, they picked me up in Colombia, and brought me home to Puerto Rico. She raised me quite well, and the love that she provided (and my father too of course, but today is all about my mamita) I never really have had much interest in finding my birth mother. She provided a stable loving and supportive home for me. She always encouraged me to follow whatever dreams I had, whether they be the violin, tae kwon do, or musical theater she was there for me every step of the way.
My mother is a great inspiration to me, she was a professional world renowned concert pianist with a huge passion for spreading the message of music to as many people as she could. When we moved to our main house when I was 1 or 2, she put her ass in gear. You see we moved into the last home, of renowned concert cellist and humanitarian Pablo Casals. She drew inspiration from him and began holding classical music concerts in our home which launched many a music career in Puerto Rico. A little while ago she was honored by the UN for her devotion to the arts in Puerto Rico.
I could not have asked for a more open and loving woman, when it came both to the religion/spirituality and the gay thing. When I first started doubting my roman catholic upbringing she was very supportive and said to me “all I know is that there is positive and negative energy in the world, and all you have to do is surround yourself with as much positive energy as you can and God will take care of you”. As for the gay thing, she never put it down, in fact a couple of months after they found out I was gay, we went to NYC for a brief vacation and she bought me my first OUT magazine. She was also very welcoming of my boyfriend of the time, Michael when he came down to meet them. All four of us hung out on my parent's queen size bed watching Moulin Rouge on DVD together, my mom and dad snuggled on one corner, and me and Michael snuggled up on the other. What a loving mother I have.
It saddens me immensely when I think back on all the horrible things I put my mother through, throughout my using. I gave the woman ulcers, I would not return her calls for weeks, I would manipulate her into giving me money, and to trust me when I should definitely have not been trusted. Whenever I am having a bad day, I just think of how proud of me she is. She told my counselor the other day “I am so proud of him, he answers my phone calls now, he is a miracle” And that just lifts me up beyond belief.
So today, in her honor I pick one of my favorite Disney scenes/songs: “Baby Mine” from Dumbo.
So it's one thirty in the morning on Friday, March 20th...and I have been so quiet for the last couple of days. Something I deeply regret, but I have just been so tired and busy. Don't get me wrong I am totally grateful for everything that I have at the moment, but all that I am doing PLUS looking for work, is kinda driving me a little crazy. And the fact that I have HIV and HEP C does not help my body adjust very well to all these changes. Let's see whats been going on, well school is kinda gotten a bit boring just because we are covering a subject I have absolutely no interest in, nails; and this was JUST week one of a two week experience. I am so happy that the weekend is almost here and that tomorrow I will get to go to rehearsals for the AALA show, which I totally love. Hmmmmmmm now that I think about it tomorrow is a big day for me, for lots of different reasons. As I mentioned there is rehearsal, but most importantly tomorrow is my mommy's birthday, HURRAY! Tomorrow is also my return to one of my other loves, Djing. I will be djing for my friend Louis' birthday party, and I have to admit I am a bit nervous.
The thing I am mostly nervous about is not having all the music these kids want, you see I have these big chunks of months missing in my library, from when I was out there using. When I was tweaking I would not pay attention to top 40 radio, I only got to hear the remixes of songs at the baths, and I am not a remix kind of guy, at least as a DJ. So I hope that I will flourish and be able to mix the right kind of music together, and that the crowd is happy. I have downloaded as many hits as I have been able to gather from friends, billboard.com , and the such. Here is hoping that it all works out. Anyway, I better head to bed, since I have an early morning house meeting to attend.
So as all three of you have noticed I didn't post my usual Saturday posting, I will write much more in detail tomorrow but I have been crazy with rehearsals and school. I am tired as all hell from all this activity, but I couldn't be any happier! I'm off to bed but I wanted to share my usual favorite music clip of the week.
Gloria Estefan's “Mi Tierra” is my pick of the week, I just love this song because it reminds me of home and always touches my heart!
Alright, so I've been struggling with whether or not I should share this with the world (and by the world I mean the three people following my blog) , but why start hiding shit now? So as you may recall Sunday is when we found out who got what role in the AALA show, that is when I discovered this really ugly side of myself. There was a couple of guys there that I totally did not want to have bigger parts than me. One of them was because we saw each other ALL THE TIME at meetings, but he would never really acknowledge me,the other guy was because he had dated my best friend back when I had a crush on him, but the third one was because he is one of those guys who is hot AND he knows he's hot, so he's got this huge Adonis complex and thinks he's better than everyone else, and only hangs out with other pretty people, and that totally urks me!! Cause what I love about this program is that we are all so different as far as our backgrounds are concerned, but when you get down to the nitty gritty of it we are all there because we all have the same problem: we have a problem with drugs and/or alcohol; and we need outside help in order to get back to our productive lives, in many cases to create for ourselves healthier, more productive lives. So when the first read through was over, and we all knew what we had gotten here is the breakdown of the three guys: the first one got a HUGE part, which at first made me jealous till I saw that my part was better suited for me and I totally fell in love with my part in the show. The second one got a couple of good solo lines, and I could have really given two shits about him anymore. But the last one is basically in the chorus, and boy did I rejoice in that, I saw him during our cigarette break walk outside totally pissed at not having a role in the show, and the gross part was that I could not have been any happier about it. My therapist said that I am only human, and that I shouldn't beat myself up for feeling that way. Which I am not, but I just don't particularly like myself thinking this way. Oh well, I will try and be a better person, but in the meantime I have a great role, and he doesn't HA HA!
And just for shits and giggles, I wanna share with y'all this video of one of my favorite acts in the world, who introduced the song that this post's title comes from. Ladies and gentlemen I give you the incomparable Kiki & Herb!
Gee wilikers, I feel so confident right now. I just got out of my session with my shrink a little while ago , and I am sitting at Java Detour in WeHo just wasting time before heading to school, but I had an amazing little break through leaving my shrink's office. There is this guy who has a session right after me, but since I usually left early I never saw him, but two weeks ago I had a whole bunch of shit that I had to get off my chest, anyway that's when we ran into each other and we both totally checked each other out, that felt really good. Today I got all purtied up knowing he would be there, anyway usually when it comes to guys I am attracted to I just giggle like a teenage girl, and just run like the dickens away from the situation, but this time I had worked myself up with the help of my therapist to have the balls to say hi, introduce myself and give the guy my number. Usually my head talks me out of it, but I think the fact that I am doing so well in my life (i.e. school, friends, landing a big role in the AALA show) that I actually followed through with it. I smiled at him , said hi, and gave him my card. He in return said “Hi my name is ________” and I returned the intro. It was a total rush for me to have actually gone through with something like that, I am truly growing as a man. I know that this little instance probably doesn't seem like much to anyone, but it does to me and it totally raised my spirits up and my “go get 'em” chutzpah. Also for once I have not started building our marriage in my head, or given him too much power either. If he calls great, if not I'll live. It has really gotten me on an upswing and in fact it woke me up, to the point that when I sat down to waste time at Java Detour before school, I decided to be productive and seriously start working on getting a job. First I tweaked my resume (tee hee I said tweak) into a more general, and not so salon centered resume, so that I may expand my job search to retail and the such. After which I have been hunting for work on different sites, and signing up for job sites like monster.com ; anyway it has been a great week so far, and what little I had to complain about is really out of my mind for now.
WOW, what an amazing fucking day I've had. I got up early to go to our first full on rehearsal for the AALA Roundup show, and I am totally fucking stoked because I got an AMAZING role. I get my own song, and some great stuff to work with during the rest of the show. I will be singing our own version of “That's how you know” from the movie Enchanted. The funny thing is that I bought it yesterday, because I love that movie and that is my favorite song in the whole movie. The basic idea of the show is that it is a twisted circus and we are a huge cast of misfits trying to get sober. So I play this AL-ANON clown who's drunk boyfriend abuses him and uses him and he has to learn how to help his boyfriend and live with him. I have to say that my ego has been satisfied but also the fact that I am in such a huge cast with some amazing sweet people I am truly looking forward to this experience. So hurray for me, more to come...
I had quite the day today, I spent most of the day at my first rehearsal for the AALA Roundup show. It wasn't really a rehearsal per say, it was more like a getting to know you shing dig. There were lots of cute boys but oddly enough I wasn't as involved in husband hunting as I usually am. One very amazing, though long, activity we did was sharing with everyone an object that had a lot of emotional significance to us. I brought the necklace I got when I graduate from rehab, and went on to explain why. Most importantly I shared that I had realized that day that it was the first time in a long time that I finished something that I started. That was a very new thing for me, because I am known to start a lot of projects and never finish them. I was very grateful to everything that I learned in rehab, which has shaped me into becoming the man I am today. The one thing I am obsessing about in my head is on what kind of role did I get. My ego would like the lead, after all I went to boarding school and a conservatory for musical theater; I was in an off off Broadway show, I have performed at Carnegie Hall...how could they NOT cast me in a lead role? But then the other, more sober side of me should just be grateful to have the opportunity to participate in something that will hopefully reignite my passion in musical theater again. I will find out tomorrow what role I got, and how big my part is, and we'll see then how I react. One day at a time I guess.
Anyway my song for today always brings a smile to my face, because it reminds me of My So Called Life when Ricky goes to the dance with that girl that has a crush on him, and the way that he dances was SO the way I danced back then, so here is Haddaway with What is Love?
These are my top ten movies that will cheer me up when I am feeling down, in no particular order:
1.Showgirls 2.Teen Witch 3.Soap Dish 4.The Goonies 5.The Monster Squad 6.Clue 7.The Little Mermaid 8.The Adventures of Priscilla Queen of the Desert 9.Muriel's Wedding 10.Flight of the Navigator
These of course do not include musicals, or sci fi cause those will have a category all to themselves...tee hee!
And I will leave you with a clip of my #2 on the list, probably my favorite scene in the movie...Teen Witch!
So in the last couple of days I've had to apologize for things I've done or said, which is kind of new for me, at least when it comes to things I've done in sobriety. You see I'm used to apologizing for things that I have done high as a kite, I have no problem doing that because I can sorta blame it on the drugs. Don't get me wrong I was the one who put the drug in my body, but I can somehow rationalize it to myself by just blaming it on the evil and selfish places that crystal meth took me to.
But making mistakes in sobriety is a whole different kit and caboodle, the two situations I created were the following. First of all I pissed my sister off because after writing that email with her concern about my putting to much stock in my friends' life, instead of emailing her or talking to her first about what my reasoning behind it was, I went ahead and just responded to her on my blog. I know NOW that it was wrong, I should have let her know privately how I felt and then shared THAT experience with y'all. The second thing I did was give my sponsor some undeserved sass about our weekly meeting. You see because I will be participating in the AALA Roundup show, I will be rehearsing most of the day on Saturdays and Sundays, and my meeting with my sponsor is usually at 1230 on Sundays. I tried to pull one of my old tricks of guilting him into doing things my way, and having him shift his schedule around to make it more convenient for me. Not taking into consideration the fact that he has his own life, and schedule to live his life too. It's not ALL about me!! So I went ahead and apologized to my sister AND my sponsor back to back, and it didn't kill me as I felt it would. Everything is going to hopefully work out with both of them, and I have definitely made a big step towards my being a mature responsible man, hurray!!
Alright, so I hate to be a Johnny come lately, but I have just started watching Rupaul's Drag Race on logo, but I've been watching it on my Zune since we don't get Logo at my sober living. First of all I LOOOOOOOOOOOVE drag, I think it can be such an underrated art form if done correctly. I have so many connections to it, it's not funny! First of all, I used to be neighbors with Larry T who wrote “Supermodel (You better work) For RuPaul. I also have this fierce painting of Rupaul that I used to have hanging in my apartment that I found at a dumpster in my building in NYC! I've seen Tammie Brown a gazillion times here in West Hollywood, during Jackie Beat's hilarious show at Here Lounge, and let me tell you that was a gazillion too many. I personally don't like her very much, she is such a one note drag queen, she does the exact same faces, choreography and attitude for EVERY song she does, me and my friend Eric (KnuckleCrack) totally loved making fun of her when we saw her perform. In fact I used to tell him that she totally reminded me of a horrible copy of my favorite girl in the show Nina Flowers. I know OF Nina Flowers from my days back in Puerto Rico. She used to perform at our main gay club Krash/Eros. I had been going to this club since I was 12 or 13 thanks to my sister. My sister who is a fierce dancer, used to choreograph for this fierce drag queen named Alex Soto. They used to put on these amazing epic numbers, and she and her husband would choreograph and dance for Ms. Soto. Now before you start accusing my sister of child endangerment, I used to only go to rehearsals during the day, so I was never there at night till I was of age. Anyway, she is a HUGE part of why I am so open and loving of my self, and rarely let anyone tell me what to do, how to feel. But I digress back to Nina Flowers, I remember seeing a video of her doing Zombie and just being BLOWN AWAY immensely, she was doing things that no other drag queen had ever done in PR. She was being totally rock and roll and anti-establishment in her own way. I remember just falling to PIECES watching her perform. The only other time I have been blown away by a drag performer like this was with Ms. Kevin Aviance in NYC, who used to call me her little Pop Tart, because of my Pop Rocks! Fame! I think I might have met Nina once out of drag at one of my most vivid and favorite movie experiences in my life.
The year was 1994, I was 13 and quite the gay history aficionado, at that age I knew all about Stonewall, and the Matachine society, how did I learn so much? I honestly don't remember. Anyway, my whole family and some of my friends already knew I was gay, and my sister said that she and all her gay friends were going to the film festival to watch this new gay comedy called The Adventures of Priscilla: Queen of the Desert. I had no idea what I was getting myself into, but here I was in a theater full of all of San Juan's gay population. I was sitting next to my sister and her husband, and next to them were all the dragas from Krash (or had it become Eros by that point?) which might have included Nina. Anyway the movie starts and every time a new fierce outfit would come on screen the whole theater would resound with “ESO NENA” (You go girl), snaps galore, and hooting and hollering for days. I totally ate this up of course, being this little 13 year old gay boy in training. It is still embedded in my brain, even after ten years of frying my brains out on meth, which should tell you something. So ANYWAY I will continue to download Rupaul's Drag Race and root for my girl Nina Flowers! I hope you do too!
I will leave you with a clip of her doing what she does best to one of my favorite songs right now, Here Comes The Rain Again by the Eurythmics!
So I'm feeling extra silly today, despite my being TOTALLY broke right now, so I wanna share with you some of my favorite things, I guess I will make this into different installments with different topics...but first I wanna share something that always tends to cheer me up for no apparent reason...at school there are only a handful of food options, the stale pizza across the street, chilli's , CPK, Burger King or Taco Bell...anyway the latter (which is RIGHT next door to school) has these fun little sauce packets that are meant to say things as if they were feeling/thinking beings...and these are just a couple of my favorite ones...
Anyway, I shared those cause they always bring an irrational grin to my face!
Let's start out really gay with my favorite list of stage musicals, here are my top ten succesfull stage musicals in no particular order:
Nine Hedwig and the Angry Inch Titanic Side Show Sunday in the Park with George Cabaret Wicked Chess Evita In the Heights
and just for shits and giggles here is a clip from my newest favorite, In the Heights!
Alright, so yesterday I promised I would blog about my audition for the AALA Roundup show, I will get to that in a bit but first let me address my sister. She emailed me a couple of days ago about my post on my best friend being in rehab, and my worries and fears. She asked “how old are you, 12?”, and also “ no one can give you self esteem, because it comes from self”. I am addressing you here because when I started reading the email the other day, I totally closed it and didn't wanna read the rest of it. Today I finally read it, and I know that she is coming from a good place. What she doesn't know is that until about 5 to 6 months ago, a situation like that I would deal with drugs and endless hours of sex (or at least the hunt of it online, or at the baths), I would also be totally overwhelmed by these feelings, and totally devote my life to making my friend's life better and neglect mine. Today, thankfully I don't do that anymore. I know how other friends I can count on, and talk to about my feelings. I have meetings, I have a great therapist, and now I have this blog in which I express all of my feelings whether they be mature ones, or childish ones. I feel like this blog really helps me stay sane and focused. This blog lets me say what I'm feeling, letting it all out, getting it out of my head and hopefully my heart and let it loose its power. That's what this blog does for me, so yeah sometimes I feel like a 12 year old, but I certainly don't act like one anymore (unless it involves musicals, or Madonna, or Robbie Williams, tee hee, OK and sometimes men...),
As for getting self esteem from my self, yes I basically agree with that statement BUT there is a saying “you gotta fake it, till you make it” and thats what I had to do for a while. One of the major reasons I loved my best friend, was because he had self esteem out the ass, and by seeing how he carried himself in day to day life it rubbed off on me, and I was able to apply his principles to my life and therefor finding the positive in me. So my best friend isn't the one who gave me my self esteem, but he helped me get there through example. ANYWHO, onto the audition...
It went really well I think, we did a scene from Two and a Half Men and then I sang Corner of the Sky from Pippin, I got some good feedback. I always feel a little nervous during the acting part, and always feel totally comfortable with myself singing. The dance part was a breeze as well, after which they talked to two of my fellow auditioners and of course my crazy head started working it's crazy magic. Thinking that they talked to them because they were better than me, but I talked myself out of there saying I should be grateful to be part of such an amazing opportunity. I also remembered the fact the director asking me if I could possibly translate a song from English into Spanish, or vice versa. Which I said I could, I hope that it's my solo in the show, tee hee! Anyway that's it!
I am a 31 year old, gay, puertorican, jew. I am hiv positive, and a crystal meth addict IN RECOVERY! As you can tell i try to live my life with an open book...I am currently a DJ/VJ at MJ's Bar in LA, and I am awaiting to take my cosmetology test! I have also recently begun exploring my more femenine side, by doing drag as my alter ego Stalker Channing Sanchez!
