I can't eat, I can't sleep anymore...

Alright, one of those is not true...as I sit in front of my laptop with a bowl of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream, I am unable to sleep. I tired my usual “taking care of business” with porn...TWICE, and my other ritual of watching Golden Girls to make me sleepy, neither of which worked. I think I am a little worried to go back to school tomorrow morning.

See what happened was, I have missed a lot of school, and I was put on attendance probation, which meant that if I missed one day of school, or arrived one minute late I would be suspended for three days, and if I missed again after that I might be expelled. I did fine for a week, then I got the flu. They restarted my time when I got back, and I did fine again for the first week, but then I slept right through my alarm on Tuesday. I tried calling in that night (when the administrator would be out) and leaving this lady Nicole a message, but her box was full; so I suspended myself for three days and I go back. I am scared that I might get expelled, and I really don't want this to happen. I was finally getting the swing of hair, I understood the architecture of haircuts, color, and I was getting my groove on when it came to hair creativity. I admit hair isn't my first passion, musical theater still holds that position, but I have learned to love what I do. I am also scared to fail at something yet again, I have had so many signs that make me feel like I am a loser, and I can't finish things, I really don't need another thing telling me that feeling this way is right. I am hoping that I do not get expelled, and I get given another chance, but do you know how many chances I have gotten from this school!? I am scared that the schedule that I am on is wearing me out too much, and I won't be able to make it. This god damn flu kicked my ass, it's bad enough that I have the god damn AIDS, and hepatitis C, but that flu just knocked the wind out of me and I have been so fucking tired, I have cut down on my meetings, and still I am just pooped, I am frightened that not only will I not be able to finish school, but even if I do that I wont be able to function in the real world, with a real job. To quote Ms. Dorothy Gale...”I'm frightened Auntie Em, I'm frightened!!”

It's been a long road, getting from there to here...

So yesterday, right after I published my last blog I made a very startling realization. This has been the longest that I have ever been clean, EVER. My previous attempt at sobriety, started on January 15th, 2007 and ended on Grammy night of 08 (which was 2/10/08), that was one year and twenty five days, I currently have 1 year, 1 month, and 10 days. This realization last night, really strengthened my self esteem as far as my program is pertained. I could honestly give two fucks what people have to say about my program, I wish I had made this realization Saturday afternoon, because I had somewhat of an incident that made me loose faith in this program, the people in it to be exact. The speaker I had lined up for my meeting that night went M.I.A. , so I was scrambling at the last minute to find someone via phone. A lot of people were busy, or had plans they could not break, but one person called me back and said something along the following lines: “I don't feel comfortable speaking at your meeting because I don't support the way you run your program, and I don't want anyone to think that I do” I was so fucking pissed off at this douche bag! He was being selfish, and stupid in my opinion. First of all, you are not supposed to say no to a request to speak, that is my first point; but I feel that he wasn't punishing me ( I have heard him speak a million times before, and didn't really care for hearing him cry through his same ol story yet again, but I was desperate for a speaker) he was punishing the other people who attend that meeting, the newcomers who are going through rehab and haven't heard him share before, even though I may not have gotten anything from his share, he could have gotten to somebody else who may have needed to hear his story, hear his hope. Something else that I thought was, that in a sense I was being punished for my honesty; I mean does he know everyone's program who's meeting he has spoken at, or for that matter does he know if they truly have the time that the say they do!? I was having coffee with my best friend Chad the other day, and a friend of his joined us, he had 10 days of sobriety, and I was asking him about what meetings he went to, he said to me he was leery of going to meetings geared towards meth addicts because the last time he went to one, the speaker said he had 8 years, and in fact this guy had partied with him only weeks before; so he went out again after seeing him and didn't stop using for two or so years; he also shared that he wasn't comfortable with going to meetings for alcoholics because he wasn't comfortable sharing his drug experiences in those rooms. I assured him, that not everyone in the meth program is a liar, that there will definitely be others like that first speaker, or people who talk about you behind your back, but there will always be honest, loving, non-judgmental people there too. I think what I am trying to say is what I have said many times before, ain't nobody's opinion of me and/or my program gonna ever make me not show up to a meeting when I need one.

Guess who's back!?

So, it's been a couple of weeks since my last blog. I have to admit something, I was shut in my room for two weeks straight, only coming out to eat and to use the bathroom...but YES I am still clean, I was merely sick with the swine flu (appropriate, huh!?) I know I could have written since my computer was right there next to my bed, but I was just in such a funk...I have this love/hate relationship with being sick. Of course the hate part comes from just being in total pain but the love comes from the fact that I can do what I love best, which is to just lay down and watch TV all day and night. I have definitely caught up with most of my shows, and I started watching some new ones ( I am LOVING Modern Family, and Flash Forward!!)

I did manage to leave the house last Sunday because I had tickets to the gay event of the season, Kylie Minogue at the Hollywood Bowl, and what a fucking blast that was! West Hollywood must have been empty, because the Bowl was crawling with every muscled up plucked queen there has ever been! Ms. Minogue was in rare form and fucking just kicked ass! I came back and kept recovering from the swine flu for a couple of more days before heading back to my regular schedule of school, and work.

One major development that has happened, is that my best friend in the world Chad has resurfaced. Chad was someone that I met in rehab about a year ago, and we became the best of friends, he was the Mary to my Rhoda, the thing about Chad is that for the first time in a long time someone “got me”, my sense of humor, my music, my moods, EVERYTHING, and I got his! There have been many substitute best friends in between, but none that matched the relationship that we had, and now thankfully we have again. We have hung out a couple of times now, and it has been great just picking up where we left off, catching up on our lives, and just getting back to living life to the fullest. There has been plenty of drama going on, which I will definitely write about soon, but for now I will go lay down, watch some TV and rest up for my first day back at work. It being Saturday I will share a song that is very dear to me and my bestie Chad, “Son of a Preacher Man” by the incomparable Dusty Springfield!