The end, is so much harder, when brought about by friends...

So as I mentioned yesterday, 8 years ago today I did something that forever changed my life. It was the day after we were attacked in NYC, the reality of it was slowly settling in. I had been partying recreationaly by then for about a year and a half now, keep it to once or twice a month at the most, and only on weekends. I was dealing with depression, though I hadn't started taking medicine for it. I was severely depressed and the tragic events had made me loose all faith and hope in humanity. I remember vaguely going to “party” with some hot little muscle boy on the Upper West Side for a while, but then I got a phone call from a friend of mine who lived in this palatial West Village penthouse, we had partied many times together, and he had offered to slam me many times before (slam is slang for shooting up, or injecting a drug intravenously) I had declined him, as I didn't want to be one of those kind of junkies; but as what little self respect and love that I had left inside me weakened I accepted his offer this time, and so began the beginning of my downward spiral. I remember feeling that first rush, how overwhelming it was, how “right” it felt, how I had finally found nirvana. Looking back on that day, I thankfully have mostly disgust rumbling around my body and mind. I often wonder where my life would have been had I never taken that first hit off the needle, but I never regret it, as it has brought me on the journey that I am on today.

Back then, I felt like I had joined an exclusive club. It's funny to me that before I shot up I looked at those who did as the lowest of the low, and felt such pity and disgust for them, but as soon as I became one of them, my feelings changed. Not that I felt that now that I was one of them, they weren't so bad, but the fact was that I was so proud of myself to be the lowest of the low. I can't believe how much my mind was warped by that awful drug. I am so happy to not be in that frame of mind anymore, but to be proud of where I am today, METH FREE for over a year now, it is so much clearer for me today that NO ONE, can fucking take that away from me. NO ONE!

This video, takes me back to college, one year before these tragic events, it's of a simpler time in my life. Here is Skid Row, with I Remember You!

Eight years ago today I woke up late (as always), and turned on my TV to NY1 while I got ready for work. I saw people standing outside there cars on the New Jersey side of the Holland Tunnel saying that this was one of the most horrifying things they had ever seen, I screamed at them “oh get over it, so they closed the Holland Tunnel again, stop being such whiny little bitches!” but then the reporter began explaining what had happened hours earlier, and they began showing the footage of the first plane hitting the tower. My knees instantly buckled, and I began to well up with emotion. I skipped my morning shower, and got dressed and ran to my office. I tried calling my parents on the way to work, but all cell reception was down. I could see a big cloud of smoke just rushing out of the downtown area (which was close to my office), when I got into the office my coworkers were all stunned as I was, and we did not know what to do with ourselves. I tried calling my parents again from my work phone, but that wasn't working either. I was in a panic, I did not know what to do, because I knew that my parents would be worried about me. I signed onto AOL and saw that somebody I went to college with was online, so I IM'd him and asked him to please call my parents, and tell them that I was OK. He did so, and as he acted as a mediator for me and my mother over the phone/internet I began sobbing uncontrollably.

I can barely recall the people I've slept with in the last couple of months, who I partied with two years ago, but I can remember the days surrounding September 11th impeccably. I remember that the night before I went to Musical Mondays with my friend Bryan, and that afterwards we went to have our usual post musical dinner at Cafeteria. I remember being in my office, when a friend of my boss' who worked near the towers walked up to our office covered in soot, and we had to move all the fliers and boxes we had in the shower so that he could clean himself off, I also remember what devastating act I performed the next day which I will blog about tomorrow, because that deserves a blog onto itself. I also remember that though this was meant as a devastating attack on our country, it brought us so much closer together for a while. There is this special bond between people that were there on that day, that can never be broken. NYC was forever changed, and I was part of that change, I will never forget that day. It is so weird for me to be out here, in California where most people don't “get” what this day meant to us new yorkers that were there, I am definitely in need of a meeting tonight, and in need of love, and I am sure that I will find it.