The end, is so much harder, when brought about by friends...

So as I mentioned yesterday, 8 years ago today I did something that forever changed my life. It was the day after we were attacked in NYC, the reality of it was slowly settling in. I had been partying recreationaly by then for about a year and a half now, keep it to once or twice a month at the most, and only on weekends. I was dealing with depression, though I hadn't started taking medicine for it. I was severely depressed and the tragic events had made me loose all faith and hope in humanity. I remember vaguely going to “party” with some hot little muscle boy on the Upper West Side for a while, but then I got a phone call from a friend of mine who lived in this palatial West Village penthouse, we had partied many times together, and he had offered to slam me many times before (slam is slang for shooting up, or injecting a drug intravenously) I had declined him, as I didn't want to be one of those kind of junkies; but as what little self respect and love that I had left inside me weakened I accepted his offer this time, and so began the beginning of my downward spiral. I remember feeling that first rush, how overwhelming it was, how “right” it felt, how I had finally found nirvana. Looking back on that day, I thankfully have mostly disgust rumbling around my body and mind. I often wonder where my life would have been had I never taken that first hit off the needle, but I never regret it, as it has brought me on the journey that I am on today.

Back then, I felt like I had joined an exclusive club. It's funny to me that before I shot up I looked at those who did as the lowest of the low, and felt such pity and disgust for them, but as soon as I became one of them, my feelings changed. Not that I felt that now that I was one of them, they weren't so bad, but the fact was that I was so proud of myself to be the lowest of the low. I can't believe how much my mind was warped by that awful drug. I am so happy to not be in that frame of mind anymore, but to be proud of where I am today, METH FREE for over a year now, it is so much clearer for me today that NO ONE, can fucking take that away from me. NO ONE!

This video, takes me back to college, one year before these tragic events, it's of a simpler time in my life. Here is Skid Row, with I Remember You!

Through the sleepless nights, through every endless day, I'd wanna hear you say I remember you...

A couple of days ago I got some very disturbing news, one of my friends who used to live with me in sober living is going to prison for 20 years. I love this guy very much, and it pains me to even think about what his life will be like for the next 20 years, it scares me straight to be honest. I mean, this man was sweet, smart, had a family, was going to school to get his life back together; but all that changed when he picked up that needle one more time...he apparently was on probation, and the terms of that were that if he ever tested dirty again he would be sent in for 20 years. Situations like these remind me of what could happen to me if I ever decided to put a needle back in my arm, I had heard of this happening to others, but it had never happened to someone that I knew so well. He was my sobriety brother, and a friend. We loved to joke around together, and there was always this flirtation between us that never amounted to anything but still, it was nice to come home and call him “pa'” and have him answer with “hey boy” in that sexy southern drawl of his. I luckily do not have the danger of anything like that looming over me, don't get me wrong I still have a charge waiting for me to take care of, but nothing nearly as serious as that. Thinking of the fact that he will get out when he is nearly 60 really baffles me, I will be nearly 50 when he gets out, I wonder if I will remember him then, I hope I do.

So in his honor, I would like to share a video of one of my favorite hair metal songs, which he loved a great deal...here is this post's title song Skid Row's “I Remember You”.