Guess who's back!?

So, it's been a couple of weeks since my last blog. I have to admit something, I was shut in my room for two weeks straight, only coming out to eat and to use the bathroom...but YES I am still clean, I was merely sick with the swine flu (appropriate, huh!?) I know I could have written since my computer was right there next to my bed, but I was just in such a funk...I have this love/hate relationship with being sick. Of course the hate part comes from just being in total pain but the love comes from the fact that I can do what I love best, which is to just lay down and watch TV all day and night. I have definitely caught up with most of my shows, and I started watching some new ones ( I am LOVING Modern Family, and Flash Forward!!)

I did manage to leave the house last Sunday because I had tickets to the gay event of the season, Kylie Minogue at the Hollywood Bowl, and what a fucking blast that was! West Hollywood must have been empty, because the Bowl was crawling with every muscled up plucked queen there has ever been! Ms. Minogue was in rare form and fucking just kicked ass! I came back and kept recovering from the swine flu for a couple of more days before heading back to my regular schedule of school, and work.

One major development that has happened, is that my best friend in the world Chad has resurfaced. Chad was someone that I met in rehab about a year ago, and we became the best of friends, he was the Mary to my Rhoda, the thing about Chad is that for the first time in a long time someone “got me”, my sense of humor, my music, my moods, EVERYTHING, and I got his! There have been many substitute best friends in between, but none that matched the relationship that we had, and now thankfully we have again. We have hung out a couple of times now, and it has been great just picking up where we left off, catching up on our lives, and just getting back to living life to the fullest. There has been plenty of drama going on, which I will definitely write about soon, but for now I will go lay down, watch some TV and rest up for my first day back at work. It being Saturday I will share a song that is very dear to me and my bestie Chad, “Son of a Preacher Man” by the incomparable Dusty Springfield!

Prejudice, wrote a blog about it, want to hear it? Here it goes...

Now, I don't want to seem heterophobic, but I don't think I like straight people very much, well other than my family. I have lived in a gay bubble for most of my adult life, rarely dealing with the straights, but with my new career that is something I have had to get used to. Making small talk with giggly girls, and laid back dudes, it has truly been harder for me to do that, than to figure out a color formula. I can do some light general guy talk with the girls, and as far as the guys if they aren't into Metallica, Ultimate Fighting, or football I got nothin'!

There have been some exceptions to this general feeling of mine, first there is my friend Pat who I met in boarding school, but he is bi and is gayer than I am so he shouldn't really count; it has only been recently that I have started forging friendships with a couple of straight guys. The first being one of my classmates at hair school, a guy I totally had a crush on, but who I have grown to love for the sweet teddy bear of a man that he is, he knows EVERYTHING about me, and I can speak honestly with him about guys and any tricky situations I may find myself in, and he is there for me without judgment and just a kind word, and a loving ear. The newest addition to my straight menagerie was one of my housemates at sober living. First I must go on a small prejudice bigoted rant, I am in a gay rehab, and it really has gotten on my nerves when “straight” guys have been let in. I have been told that this is a rehab like any others, but if that is true then why is the 1800 number, 1800-DialGay!!?? Some of the straight guys that have been in here, have probably not been so straight, and therefor belong in a gay rehab, but there have been a couple who come into our safe haven, where we should be free to go around saying “girl” and calling each other “she” and “lady”; and have tried to tear us down for doing so. If you have such a problem with this behavior, the door is that way, and there are plenty and I mean PLENTY of other rehabs for people like you, rehabs where if we were to act like ourselves we would be humiliated, beat down, and forced back into that dark closet, but I digress. My latest addition to my straight friends has not been one of these guys, he is one of the coolest, smartest, laid back, and open minded guys I have ever met. We have spent many nights just hanging out, watching TV talking shit to each other, just being ourselves without any judgments. I am grateful for guys like this, who have broken my stupid preconceived notions about straight guys, and who are there for me whenever I need them. I need more friends like this, and I was saddened to see him go today, I am hoping that our friendship will not end after his moving out, but only time will tell, and I hope that he gets to expand my mind and heart to others like him.

So to bring out the straight guy in me, here is one of my favorite rock songs of all time, which to gay it up I should let you know that I used to masturbate to this video a lot during high school , before I found porn! :-) Here is Danzig with “Mother”

He wasn't man enough for me

So I just finished watching “He's Just Not That Into You” and I surprisingly enough loved it, I totally identified with one of the main characters Gigi...who was this insecure girl always reading too much into every conversation and everything a guy does, and totally over analyzes everything in order to make him “the one”. Although I have recently only done that with friends, trying to make everyone out to be my new best friend. I guess it is that intense need to have a confidant that makes me trying and find one everywhere I go. I have known this forever, and I wish I could stop myself but I just haven't been able to. I do find comfort in the fact that at least now I am able to identify it and not let it affect me and take over my life like it has before. I talked about it in therapy this last week, and I definitely feel like I have grown in that regard, I mean I was not overly sensitive about the end of my friendship with my friend Nick...I just have to stop calling anyone I have hung out with more than three times my best friend, it is just getting so fucking sad. Like the love of my life, I know that someday I will find that guy that gets me and will love me for who I am, faults and all. Anyway, I need to get to bed, but I wanna share with you one of my favorite music videos, visually...and that is George Michael's Freek!

The fire's got you down on both knees, and the walls are closing in, but I will break through...

This has truly been an exhausting, and somewhat emotional week for me. It started out last Monday with bed bug extermination attempt number 6 (number 7 is coming tomorrow btw) and my attempt at trying to move out of sober living was nixed by my parents, saying that they were worried by my drinking, and weren't sure if they could trust me out in the real world yet. I dove into a state of depression that I hadn't been in for a long while now, not since I was out there high. I was resorting to old behaviors of not leaving my house, except for “essentials” like cigarettes, food, or a meeting here and there...I missed school, though part of the days I missed were due to my stressed related pink eye, but the thing is I didn't care anymore, I just wanted to be in my own little depressed world watching my TiVo and not thinking about what I was gonna do for another couple of months in this place I so despise at the moment, having to deal with 8 other clashing personalities, no privacy, no complete freedom to come home as I please, or go to certain establishments as I please. Day by day though I have been slowly growing into acceptance of my situation. Just when I thought things could not get worse, my friend Nick and I had a falling out, because basically he critiqued me on my passive aggressiveness and since I felt like he was putting up a mirror to show me my faults, I figured I would put a mirror right back and point out his faults as well; that did not go over very well, and he told me never to contact him again, and I surprisingly felt this sense of relief. I am more than willing to work on my faults but I need someone who sees who I truly am, and loves me with those faults and wants to help me grow as a man, he was obviously not that type of friend. I wish him the best in his life, and as much as I would like to blog about all the things he is doing to fuck up his life, I won't go into details because it's not really my business to put his shit out there, I am better than that.

This week did end with some glimmers of hope for me though, yesterday I got a text from my friend and hairdresser Paul, asking me if I wanted to start my externship today, instead of on August 9th, to which I replied a resounding “YES!” , so today I went to the salon I will be working at now called Sugar in silverlake, and had a pretty good first day of assisting, it wasn't extremely difficult, but it wasn't a breeze either, and to cap the whole day off I got a nice visit from my sister who was visiting from Vegas, she came to pick me up along with her husband at work, and we had a nice talk at my sober living, reassuring me that if I keep doing what I am doing now (school, work, meetings, etc) that she doesn't see why in a couple of months my father won't finally see how I have grown, and how responsible I can be, and I can grow out of that immature, temper tantrum throwing boy that he's know for the last 29 years, I know that I have grown, and that I defiantly have to prove myself to him, and to show him that I can be a man and accept situations as they are and just learn to grow from them, so I shall try and show him.

So today I wanna share something that totally brings back memories of some of the few fun times I had back in PR, which was seeing my sister's choreography for fabulous drag queens and she did her take of the Kiss of the Spider-woman story with this amazing Grace Jones cover of a Rita Hayworth song “Amado Mio” so here is the FIERCE Ms. Jones performing it live in some foreign show!

Through the sleepless nights, through every endless day, I'd wanna hear you say I remember you...

A couple of days ago I got some very disturbing news, one of my friends who used to live with me in sober living is going to prison for 20 years. I love this guy very much, and it pains me to even think about what his life will be like for the next 20 years, it scares me straight to be honest. I mean, this man was sweet, smart, had a family, was going to school to get his life back together; but all that changed when he picked up that needle one more time...he apparently was on probation, and the terms of that were that if he ever tested dirty again he would be sent in for 20 years. Situations like these remind me of what could happen to me if I ever decided to put a needle back in my arm, I had heard of this happening to others, but it had never happened to someone that I knew so well. He was my sobriety brother, and a friend. We loved to joke around together, and there was always this flirtation between us that never amounted to anything but still, it was nice to come home and call him “pa'” and have him answer with “hey boy” in that sexy southern drawl of his. I luckily do not have the danger of anything like that looming over me, don't get me wrong I still have a charge waiting for me to take care of, but nothing nearly as serious as that. Thinking of the fact that he will get out when he is nearly 60 really baffles me, I will be nearly 50 when he gets out, I wonder if I will remember him then, I hope I do.

So in his honor, I would like to share a video of one of my favorite hair metal songs, which he loved a great deal...here is this post's title song Skid Row's “I Remember You”.

MMMMMmmmmm my baby's got a secret, MMMMMMmmmmmm...

So I just found out that one of my closest friends relapsed last week, but he has been telling me that he didn't, I don't want to bring it up to him because I don't want to push him away, but I also feel like as a friend I deserve his honesty. Then again when I was out there using the last thing I was with any of my friends or family was honest, so I understand where he is coming from. As you can see I am torn about what to do, it's not like it's my first time dealing with this...a couple of months ago my best friend at the time was doing the same thing, and it took me hinting and hinting towards it, and finally asking him “would you tell me if you relapsed?” when he finally said yes, but our friendship was a lot stronger, and longer...this one is still fresh, and I don't feel like he can trust me, or maybe he's not ready, I dont know I am kinda flustered as to what to do, all I know is that I will try and not let it get the best of me, I will worry some, and definitely pray for him, but that's all I can do.

Thank you for being a friend...again...

Boy what a difference a day makes, so last night I was gonna blog my ass off about my gal pal Nick dumping me as a friend, I was gonna write some scathing things about friendship and all that, but I was tired and decided to just go to bed and blog today. Well after a pretty uneventful day of being sick with a sore throat at home, I went to a meeting, and there he was. I politely said hello, but didn't really address him as he asked me to give him space. I was walking to the store to get myself a soda, and he ran after me, and proceeded to apologize for leaving me in my time of need, and we had an amazing conversation about how we were each doing. We both have a similar mindset at the moment of the program, I will of course only express how I feel at the moment, which to be honest could change tomorrow, you never know. I am tired of everyone being up in everyone's business. I mean before I even told anyone that I had slipped on alcohol, I was getting that look from everyone, you know the look the one that says “oh you poor poor unfortunate soul”. I have been thinking about weather I would still be going to meetings if I didn't have to, I am not sure if I would be going to them. I don't think I am better than anyone, but it just feels detrimental to me sometimes, I have to try and follow my sponsor's advice which is that I go to meetings for myself, not for others, but there is only so much shade I can take. I know there are plenty of people who are drug free without going to meetings, and it's not like I'm not trying to deal with my issues, I see a therapist once a week, and I am going to start working on the 12 steps on my own for a while till I start working them with my sponsor, just because I wanna fucking just work on them already I am tired of being in recovery limbo. So I am just glad to have my sister back in my life, because he is one of the few people that gets me, and doesn't judge me, well at least not anymore.

Blame it on the a a a a a alcohol!

So as you might have noticed, my sobriety counter has disappeared off my page. Let me get something clear, I did NOT put meth or any other hard drug in my body, but I did drink...ALOT! I need to come clean about something, last night was NOT the first time that I drank...my first drink was on my natal birthday, where I celebrated with a margarita at Disneyland, I have had some glasses of wine with dinner and have had a couple of cocktails here and there, but last night I overindulged myself. I saw that I wasn't gonna make it to curfew so I told my houseparent what I did, and he came to pick me up. For one night of drinking I did alot of wrecking, and not just to myself. I lost my time, cost two people their jobs, and I feel like I may be loosing one my closest friends because of it. Those last two are the ones that are wrecking me the most, I changed two peoples lives with one stupid night of drinking, and a big mouth. I love these two men with all my heart and it kills me to no end that my stupidity hurt others. And then there's Nick, my best friend...when I saw him today, I could tell that his energy towards me has changed. He told me that he was scared and worried for me, and that it also worries him how much wreckage I caused that affected others, and that he's scared that I could do the same to him. I went to a meeting tonight, where the speaker shared a similar story about himself, which truly touched me and started to make me think, because originally I hadn't planned on reseting my time because I don't think of myself as an alcoholic! But what he said truly moved me, and then I was talking to one of the guys from the rehab I went to, sharing my fear of losing friends in the program if I didn't reset my time, and how adamant I was about doing it. He said something very wise to me, that truly got to me...he asked me "would you rather loose your friends, or a number?" THAT is what got me, because as embarassing as it will be to stand up as a newcomer for the next 28 days, I will hopefuly still have my friends there for me. So as I get ready to hit the sack at my friend Tim's place, I hope that my brain will catch up to my heart and understand that I may be an alcoholic, and I could possibly not drink ever again. Though to be totally honest, this is my plan. I will for sure not drink while I am living at a sober living, and secondly I will not drink till I am done working the 12 steps of the program, afterwhich I will reconsider the whole drinking issue. The speaker said that after he worked the 12 steps, he was assured that he was also an alcoholic, and that he was forever changed. So I guess i'll wait for the miracle to happen.

It's Hard to speak my heart...

Well I am faced with a bit of a situation which involves ethics, the safety of anonymity at meetings, and possibly avoiding a scary situation. There was this couple who are both in the rooms (aka they go to meetings) and they were quite the hot couple, and very much envied by people in the rooms because they were so stunning. A few months into their relationship they broke up, and one of them began sharing at meetings that he was being beaten by this other man. I lost all respect I had for this man, because I obviously don't respect abusers of any kind. I have avoided him at all costs and not said anything to him in a while.

Cut to the present, one of my roommates is hanging out with this man (the abuser) and is considering dating him when the man gets some more time under his belt. In the past I have been known to meddle in other people's business and I have been trying to change that about myself. I have been doing a pretty good job I think, but this puts me in a bit of a situation. First there is the whole morality of anonymity and the fact that you should not repeat what you hear at meetings to anyone else, not even if they are in the program. I also don't want my roommate and dear friend to fall into a relationship that may end up being abusive. The relationship is nowhere near being a true relationship, and I am keeping my mouth shut because of that. There is also a part of me that says, maybe he has changed. Why should I judge him on things he has allegedly done in the past. I mean I wouldn't want people to judge me for things I did when I was using, but then again he was sober when he beat up his boyfriend. I am truly torn about what to do. I think I will probably shut up, and keep it to myself, and the two or three of you that read this, but if anything does start growing, relationship-wise I may have to consult my therapist and/or sponsor about it. Oh well...

PRIDE, in a deeper love!

Wow what an amazing weekend I had filled with pride, and the growth of what looks to be a promising friendship. Yesterday (Saturday) was fucking AMAZING, I performed with my girl Tim Permanent (check him out at timpermanent.com) on the main stage, and I fucking felt like a rock star, and I was just a backup dancer, so I can only imagine how he felt. I have to admit that at the beginning of our friendship there was a hint of jealousy for what he was doing career wise, but that has slowly been drowned out by great respect, and inspiration for what you can do with your life if you put your mind to it. Our performance was brilliant, all dance steps were fiercely executed and he sang beautifully!

After we performed I hung out with one of my newest closest friends, Nick. We walked around the festival, and had a blast dancing, but the highlight of the night was seeing the FIERCE Ms. Deborah Cox perform! Not only because the diva BROUGHT IT, but seeing Nick light up as she performed really energized me, and really drove home why I love this man (oh and by the way, he is probably the first best friend I have had that I am not planning our marriage down the road).

Today(Sunday), started out well enough. Nick and I marched with SOBAR, which is a sober party at this bar called Here Lounge in West Hollywood, we enjoyed walking around WeHo and the festival for most of the day. An issue arose early in the evening when Nick ran into some of his circuit “boy” friends who were obviously high as can be. We were in this sea of muscled shirtless men, who I obviously lust over, and just watching them get more and more fucked up, and starting to get all over each other; at this point this thing I will call “Mean Girls Envy” rushed over me. These big muscled up men are the kind of men I am attracted to, manly looking and feminine acting, so I obviously idolize them without knowing much about them. They intimidate the living daylights out of me. That was issue one, I want to be them so badly, I want to be part of their world (Little Mermaid much!?) I have never felt like I fit into this crowd, but seeing Nick interact with them showed me that he (not a muscle boy himself) showed them something that they like in him, because they all flocked to him on sight.

My issues grew as the night went on, and I saw them rolling on God knows what drugs they were on, and being totally fucked up. This for the first time triggered me, I had seen people high before, but this environment, and my jealousy towards my friends Nick ability to have them in his life really began eating at me, so I did what I do...I withdrew. I didn't want to leave him alone with all these drugged up queens around him, so I just backed off and watched from the sidelines. To be honest with you, I was testing Nick. To see how long it would take him to notice that I had disappeared (5 minutes if you must know), when he walked up to check on me, I told him I was fine and that he should go back dancing ( I said that but you should've seen the pouty face I had on), I was totally screaming for attention and Nick gave me none. I wanted the impossible, I wanted him to read my mind and totally abandon his friends and try and comfort me. On the ride home we were both pretty quiet, I'm guessing from the tiring day we had just finished, and I came home to sulk. Fifteen minutes later I got a text from him saying “ This weekend was so incredibly important to me. Thank you for making it so wonderful and solidifying our friendship even more”. After reading that text, all resentment, jealousy, and disappointment vanished. Without me sending him any kind of text ( you see I was testing him again, by telling myself not to text him till he texted me) he totally acknowledged what I had wanted all along, a sign that I wasn't the only one in this friendship, that he cares for me, and that he values what we have, and for that I am grateful.

Since I missed Saturday's video I will include one of my favorite singers, Robbie Williams performing a song that totally embodies me at the moment...here he is performing “Feel” on the Tonight Show.

Learn to say goodbye, I yearn to say goodbye

Damn this has been one long emotional day for me. I was woken up by a text from one of my housemates telling me that he has decided to move back to Palm Springs because of all this shit that is going on at our sober living. This is a dangerous move for him, as most of his using was out there and he has mostly friends who are still tweaking and not good influences on him. His leaving reminded me that last night I had heard through the grape vine that my best friend decided to pull yet another geographical (12 step term for moving because you think THAT will cure your addiction) to Texas. So my “best friend” and one of my housemates who was one of my closest friends in the house left me abruptly (I know they didn't leave ME, but this is how my heart feels, since I do have abandonment issues). So all day I just kinda laid in bed, watching TV not wanting to deal with any of these emotions.

The clock tells me it's time to head to school, and today was the first day that I was supposed to go on the floor. I am completely terrified, because I don't feel like I am ready to cut real people's hair. As those of you who have been reading my blog know, I did my first haircut on Friday, and I fucked up half way into it. I was lucky enough to have a friend who understands where I am coming from and worked with the mistake, but I started to think, while on the bus ride to school, that I will most likely not have such understanding costumers. The last night class that graduated before me onto the floor had a whole week of practicing in the classroom, I had a day and a half. I felt so unprepared so less than, like I didn't belong on the floor yet. So I got off the bus, had dinner and turned back around to go home to make in time for a meeting.

I was in dire need of a meeting because all these emotions were getting the best of me. So I totally let it all out at the meeting and felt a great sense of relief to have let everyone in on what I was going through. It also felt great to get some amazing feedback from other hairdressers in the program who told me not to freak out, that I was in school to learn, not to be an amazing hairdresser off the bat. That indeed helped me immensely. So as I go to bed with still a sense of uncertainty as to what is going to happen tomorrow with all of us at sober living, and me at school, but at least I have done so without picking up that needle to deal with my emotions, and for that I am grateful.

Here's where I stand, here's who I am...love me, but don't tell me who I have to be

Alright, so yesterday I promised I would blog about my audition for the AALA Roundup show, I will get to that in a bit but first let me address my sister. She emailed me a couple of days ago about my post on my best friend being in rehab, and my worries and fears. She asked “how old are you, 12?”, and also “ no one can give you self esteem, because it comes from self”. I am addressing you here because when I started reading the email the other day, I totally closed it and didn't wanna read the rest of it. Today I finally read it, and I know that she is coming from a good place. What she doesn't know is that until about 5 to 6 months ago, a situation like that I would deal with drugs and endless hours of sex (or at least the hunt of it online, or at the baths), I would also be totally overwhelmed by these feelings, and totally devote my life to making my friend's life better and neglect mine. Today, thankfully I don't do that anymore. I know how other friends I can count on, and talk to about my feelings. I have meetings, I have a great therapist, and now I have this blog in which I express all of my feelings whether they be mature ones, or childish ones. I feel like this blog really helps me stay sane and focused. This blog lets me say what I'm feeling, letting it all out, getting it out of my head and hopefully my heart and let it loose its power. That's what this blog does for me, so yeah sometimes I feel like a 12 year old, but I certainly don't act like one anymore (unless it involves musicals, or Madonna, or Robbie Williams, tee hee, OK and sometimes men...),

As for getting self esteem from my self, yes I basically agree with that statement BUT there is a saying “you gotta fake it, till you make it” and thats what I had to do for a while. One of the major reasons I loved my best friend, was because he had self esteem out the ass, and by seeing how he carried himself in day to day life it rubbed off on me, and I was able to apply his principles to my life and therefor finding the positive in me. So my best friend isn't the one who gave me my self esteem, but he helped me get there through example. ANYWHO, onto the audition...

It went really well I think, we did a scene from Two and a Half Men and then I sang Corner of the Sky from Pippin, I got some good feedback. I always feel a little nervous during the acting part, and always feel totally comfortable with myself singing. The dance part was a breeze as well, after which they talked to two of my fellow auditioners and of course my crazy head started working it's crazy magic. Thinking that they talked to them because they were better than me, but I talked myself out of there saying I should be grateful to be part of such an amazing opportunity. I also remembered the fact the director asking me if I could possibly translate a song from English into Spanish, or vice versa. Which I said I could, I hope that it's my solo in the show, tee hee! Anyway that's it!

And if you must be going, I will understaaaaaaaaaaand...

So a couple of days ago I got some mixed news. My best friend, who I have blogged about before, the one who was still out using meth, has been sent back to rehab (hurray) in San Francisco (awwwwwwwww). I guess it's really selfish of me to want him to stay in LA to make me happy. I guess my biggest fears are that he'll fall in love with San Francisco and he'll stay there, and that he may meet someone who he likes more than me as a friend. The first concern is not that hard for me, because San Francisco is only a 6 hour drive away, so we could always visit each other if need be, but the meeting someone who he would be better friends with is my biggest worry, it would totally break my heart. It was everyone's worry in rehab that I was only surrounding myself with him, which was a totally valid concern because I did make him the center of my universe for a while, but I do feel that I have been opening myself up to others for a while now. I have many friends in the program, and now even in school, but there is something about him that just always brings a smile to my face. He gets me and my sense of humor completely, he has also helped me in building my self esteem whether he knows it or not. His total lack of care for what others think of him totally rubbed off on me, he helped me grow into the man that I am today, and I would be extremely sad if I lost him. I guess I just have to leave the future up to God, and just cope with whatever happens, one day at a time.

Who can turn the world on with a smile? Who can take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all seem worth while?

There is some famous dialogue from the movie Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion about who was the Mary and who was the Rhoda, of course referring to the classic Mary Tyler Moore Show, the first couple of times that I saw the movie I got the general jist of it which was that Mary was the pretty one, and Rhoda was the funny sidekick. It wasn't until I started checking out episodes of the show on Hulu that I really began to understand what they meant by it.

After watching a couple of episodes it was plain to see that I was definitely the Rhoda in most of my adult friendships. Not just because I was the funny sidekick but because whenever Mary was in the room, Rhoda always seemed to be ignored, and boy could I identify with that in a major way. I have had two major relationships that totally fit into this situation, that was with my best friend Eric (aka KnuckleCrack) and more recently with my best friend Chad.

You see they are both drop dead gorgeous men, and I will have to admit that with both of them our relationship began with me being totally head over heels in love with them. I wanted the big wedding the 2.5 children and the beautiful house in the Hills and brownstone in NYC, but alas they were never attracted to me in that way. Usually when this happens to me I just move on and go about my life, but something amazing happened with these two gentlemen besides being shining examples of the male species they turned out to be amazing men, that got me completely, and who I got as well.

Our relationships would be amazing one on one or in small groups at someone's house, but the whole Mary/Rhoda thing would rear its ugly head anytime we would go out to a social situation such as a club, or a 12 step meeting. You see, them being these totally hot Adonises they would get all of the attention in the room, and me being the attention whore that I am would get insanely jealous of them. Most attention whores crave attention because they didn't get it as a child but for me that is the total opposite experience, I wasn't the only child but I might as well have been, because my parents were ALWAYS there for me and coddled my every need and want. So with Eric I still hadn't dealt with these issues and I would constantly go home and cry, or use meth because he would get the hot man ALWAYS, but luckily for me I met Chad in rehab, and I got to explore all these different feelings in a safe environment.

I got to go through all these feelings of insecurity while I was in rehab, I spoke about them in group and with my counselors and therapist, and even with Chad himself, and I have grown as a man immensely since then, in fact it was Chad's high self esteem that rubbed off on me to the degree that I began to have total self confidence in my looks, personality and abilities, and for that I am truly thankful.

My song pick for this week is a song that always tugs at my heart when it comes to my great friends, and that is Alanis Morissete's “Everything”! LOVE YA GIRL!

Have you ever been low? Have you ever had a friend who let you down so?

In working the 12 steps, the first one is to admit I am powerless over crystal meth. I have done so with no problem whatsoever, that is a total given, the hard thing for me to do is to realize that I am powerless over my friends' actions. I find my self in a couple of situations where I want to tell people what to do, or rescue them, but it just wouldn't be right for me to do so.

First one is with one of my friends, he is truly somebody really close to me, I love him to death, but the god damn disease of addiction has overrun him again. He sees no light at the end of the tunnel, he wants to quit, but he doesn't feel like he can. I can totally identify deeply with his struggle, I have been in his position many times, and it was only for the grace of God that I was able to get back. I want to just slap him upside the head and get some sense back into him, but alas that would not be a safe place for me, as I might be tempted when I see him all fucked up. So I have to just let it go, and pray that he gets back here sooner rather than later and in somewhat healthy conditions.

The second situation is one of my other closest friends (I sure know how to pick 'em) he relapsed a couple of weeks ago with his boyfriend, luckily it only lasted for a couple of days and not months or years like me. After one day of tweeking his insanity came right back, everyone around him saw this. So thanks to his little run he has a clearer picture of what he wants to do with his life (i.e. stay sober, focus on work, getting some stable friendships) the sad part is that his boyfriend is a functioning tweeker, there is hardly any psychosis and he can go about regular menial things with no problem, so he has decided to keep tweeking. At first he tried to hide this, explaining that he forgot to let his boyfriend know where he was at ( for 12 hours), and that even though he was at his dealer's house he was not using, he was merely helping him paint. The poor sap believed him at first, but when he did this a second time he had told me that he couldn't believe that he could've fallen for that crap. To make all of this even better, their roommate has also relapsed and has proceeded to go extremely crazy. My poor friend didn't know what to do. His friends and loved ones told him to get out of there immediately, to stay with sober friends until he can figure out what to do next. This was the plan we had concocted before I went to school yesterday, but then I called him after school to see if he wanted me to stop by and visit for some cheering up, and his boyfriend was there, and it seemed like business as usual “ no no, he's fine, we're fine, I'm good thanks...”

Yes I know that none of this is ANY of my business, but I do care for these two men so much, they have so much potential in them to be great contributing members of society, and the rescuer in me wants to get in there and fix it all, but my priorities are different now. I have to take care of myself and my sobriety first and foremost. So I decided to merely vent my frustrations out on here hoping that it may lift any anxiety I may have stemming from this.

I hate you so much right now, I hate you so much right now, AHHHH!

OK, so I was all ready to blog about some new hottie at a meeting, but unfortunately I got a text from one of my housemates telling me that he had relapsed. I immediately let out the most unappealing yelp you could imagine, which surprised the hell out of another one of my housemates, who was busy facebooking.

My friend who relapsed was someone I love very much, we were sisters in this newly found sober life. The sad thing though, is that even though I am upset, and disappointed ,it is not overwhelming me. It's sad but a lot of my friends who I got close to in this sobriety have gone out, most of them thank God have come back, but some of them are still out there. So that is why I'm so fucking angry at this fucking disease/drug! That is who I hate so much right now, the drug, the disease that told my friend that he could go out once more, and that it would be fun. That shit ain't fun, it ain't cute no more. Not for us, we are addicts through and through, no doubt about it. One thing that makes me proud though, is that my friend was able to let me know what was going on, and was able to man up and face whatever music is coming his way. Because, if it was me I would still be out there, getting more and more fucked up. Performing all kinds of demoralizing acts to get more and more fucked up. The shortest amount of time that my relapse has lasted was this last time, 8 months. When I go out, I fucking stay out and disappear, my family doesn't hear from me, my friends don't know where the fuck I am, I don't show up for my responsibilities.

I have to go back to being grateful, to my sobriety, to my friends, and family. Today, was a pretty good day, very low key, which is what my Saturdays have been looking like lately, and I like it that way. Usually by Saturday I'd be on day 4 or 5 of my high, and it wasn't pretty. So the video I pick for this week's post will be dedicated to my friend who went out, and to all those of my friends who are still out there without a solution.

But this time its different, I don't even feel the distance, I'm not missing, I'm not missing you...

So I was removing the battery from my car so that I can recharge it (I know very butch of me), and as I am under my hood, this guy I met at rehab (who left before he was supposed to) came up to me, and girl was cracked out of his head. I was of course stuck under the hood till I was done with my task, so I became a target for his verbal vomit. He proceeded to regale me with story after story about his drug use, the things he has to do to get his drugs, the gross people he has to put up with.
A couple of months ago that would have given me a raging boner, and I would've gotten all antsy and hungry to get high, but today it simply just annoyed the hell out of me. It also made me thank God for my sobriety, it is a big part of the program to be grateful for what you have, but it is so easy to forget, and to focus on what you don't have, or what you USED to have. For example, this past Sunday I went to the beach with a couple of sober friends, and it was a fucking blast! We walked out to the Santa Monica Pier, rode the rollercoaster, and had an all around great day. I got to know three amazing people who I didn't know that well, and enjoyed each others company, I am truly grateful for that day.
This morning we also had a very productive morning in the house, we had our house meeting were we bring up issues we may have with each other, and as high school-y as we all can be, it was a pretty grown up, we all brought up our issues and we discussed whatever things we thought were going on with ourselves. Luckily other than my not feeling so hot the last couple of days (which is why I haven't posted on here for a bit), I am doing pretty good. Anyway I am grateful for everything that God has provided for me today, especially my sobriety.

Try not to get worried, try not to turn onto problems that upset you,,,

I am quite the big worrier, I most likely learned that from my mother, she is the picture of a worrier. It has been known to take over my life, I try to fix other people instead of working on fixing myself. And something I learned in rehab was that you can't love others without loving yourself first. So it's been really hard for me go about my life when one of my closest friends in the world has been MIA, and I don't mean he's on tour with the singer, or chatting it up with the Golden Girls in MIAmi....I just mean he has fallen off the face of the earth. To those of you who don't have friends or family members with drug problems, then you may not be familiar with the fact that when we are on drugs we tend to disappear on our loved ones. I have been MIA on my friends and family countless amounts of times, and I guess maybe I'm having a taste of my own medicine. I spoke to this said friend about a week and a half ago briefly and he said he was still out there tweeking it up, and one thing I can tell you was that he sounded so sad, desperate to get back to a life where he is loved for who he is, and not for what he has (drugs, sex, etc.)
A couple of months ago something like this would have completely taken over my life, in fact when I first went to rehab 4 years ago, I left the rehab and sobriety because one of my close friends had relapsed and I spent days trying to track him down all over the city, when I finally did find him, at a seedy motel in West Hollywood, instead of calling my sponsor, or a friend in the program I picked up and outright joined him. I didn't come back into the program for another two and a half years or so. I used to think of myself as Captain Save-a-ho, trying to nurture big ol' messes into a normal state of being. Boy did I fail at that, and it wasn't till this last go around in rehab that I learned how to take care of myself first, how to put myself first. So I believe that that's what i've been doing lately. I am still going to school, I am still going to meetings, I am still hanging out with my friends who ARE sober. I still worry about my confidant, and want nothing more than to have him back with me, so we can go back to gaying it up around town listening to Cher; but all I can do is just let him know that I am here for him when he's ready and that I love him SO fucking much!