MMMMMmmmmm my baby's got a secret, MMMMMMmmmmmm...

So I just found out that one of my closest friends relapsed last week, but he has been telling me that he didn't, I don't want to bring it up to him because I don't want to push him away, but I also feel like as a friend I deserve his honesty. Then again when I was out there using the last thing I was with any of my friends or family was honest, so I understand where he is coming from. As you can see I am torn about what to do, it's not like it's my first time dealing with this...a couple of months ago my best friend at the time was doing the same thing, and it took me hinting and hinting towards it, and finally asking him “would you tell me if you relapsed?” when he finally said yes, but our friendship was a lot stronger, and longer...this one is still fresh, and I don't feel like he can trust me, or maybe he's not ready, I dont know I am kinda flustered as to what to do, all I know is that I will try and not let it get the best of me, I will worry some, and definitely pray for him, but that's all I can do.

I'm free, I am FREE...and freedom tastes of reality!

Wow so it's been a while since I've posted anything on here, and what a crazy week it's been. First of all as you can see my little calculator is back, because it just wasn't sitting right with me to hide my true feelings about my program. I have finally come out to people in my program, and they have been mostly supportive; of course there are the critics as to be expected but I basically said, all I need from you is your love, not your judgement, and that is what I got so far. I have finally just decided to try and let go of other people's opinions of me, but that of course is easier said than done.

My one bit of news though, is that I have landed a job...of sorts. Starting August 9th, I will be doing an externship for my dear friend Paul at the new salon he works at in Silverlake, called Sugar. I will be getting school hours, and credits for whatever procedures I help him to do. I am truly excited about this, because even though I will have one less day of relaxation I will be busy doing what I love to do. I feel so grown up, and can't wait to start making a little bit of extra money.

I have PLENTY of other stuff to write about, but after a long day of doing ALL my laundry because of the god damn bed bugs (my fifth time, but who's counting!?) I really need to get to bed, and rest up for school tomorrow.

Since I didn't get to post a video this weekend, I will post one now. I know some people may think they are tacky, but I love me some good STYX...so here they are with one of their classics "Mr. Roboto"

It's my life...and it's now or never...

Well this has been a tumultuous couple of days for me, a rollercoaster of emotions, if you will. The day after my last blog I began regretting a lot of what I said, and the decision I made of resetting my time. It just has not sat right with my heart to do so. To be honest, the main reason that I did so was to save my friendship with my “best friend” Nick, which by the way it didn't do. Yesterday afternoon he told me that he needed to rethink our friendship and was wanting some space. I am of course torn up about it, and very resentful at not having followed my heart. So this is what I am going to do, I am going to keep my time in CMA meetings, and identify as a newcomer at AA meetings. Some people might think that I will weasel myself out of identifying as a newcomer by not going to AA meetings, but only the opposite is true; other than my secretarial commitment on Saturdays at the CMA meeting I started, I will be going to AA meetings instead, and opening my mind and heart to the fact that I may be an alcoholic, and I will work my 12 steps accordingly. This is what feels right in my heart. I have also stopped beating myself up over the two staff members that lost their jobs after my opening my mouth, firstly because one of them knew what we were doing was wrong, and we still did it anyway, so it is as much his fault as it is mine. Secondly, I was told by the program director that the second staff member left on amicable terms, and was not based on my mistaken drunken statement. I have been told by many people in the program, that I go to meetings not for others, but for myself and that I should follow what is true to my heart. I may not be the most popular person in the rooms, but as long as I am taking care of my sobriety I don't feel like I am endangering others. I am ready to loose more friends, whatever doesn't kill me will only make me stronger, I hope. My feelings are the following, I have many friends who quit doing meth all on their own, and still drink; they have friends, lives, careers, their lives have not stopped functioning because of it, am I 100% sure that I am like them? No, I am not, but that is something that I have been exploring for the last 5 years, and so far I have only done meth once because of alcohol. If I were to give up something because of one bad experience I would not be able to do a lot of things in my life, for example I fucked up my first haircut...if I had stopped because of that then I wouldn't have learned how to pay attention to what I was doing, and I would not have learned that I can be a great hairdresser. So I will keep my promise of not drinking till I am done with my twelve steps, but I will not censor myself to make others love me anymore. I have to be honest with the world, because as they say “it is a program of honesty”...

So the video I am gonna post, is the title of this blog post. Here is Bon Jovi, with “It's My Life”!

You wanna fuck me like an animal...

Well good luck with that! So last night (Wednesday night) I went to a CMA meeting called Sex & Relationships in sobriety, and me having had my first real date in sobriety last Sunday it has brought up this issue to my head, which I guess has been in there for a while now. I know people look at me and think “oh she's a big ol' bottom”, but in all honest truth I have a huge issue with getting fucked. This issue stems from the fact that I have been raped twice in my life. The first time was 9 or 10 years ago by one of my boyfriends, and then most recently around June or July of last year during my relapse. This issue has come up because when I was high I could give two shits as to who put what where, that is the glory of being a fucked up mess I guess, but now that I am a sober man who is getting to know himself I see it becoming an issue.

I am a huge flirt, and have sexual innuendos coming out the whazoo non stop. This I feel has created this illusion that I am this totally secure sexual being, which I am for the most part, I mean I know what I like to do in bed, and can be pretty vocal about it, but the one part I have been holding back for the most part has been the getting fucked issue, and I am totally unprepared as to how to deal with bringing it up to guys that I like. My fear is that the second I start getting real it may turn guys off, and may stall whatever intimacy was created already. I shared this at last night's meeting and my share was immensely well received. I got applauded for my honesty, and more than one guy came up to me after the meeting and shared their similar experiences with me.

So I have concluded that I will have to learn to work through my issues/insecurities with myself, and possibly discuss them with my therapist and friends who I trust completely. I also feel that I will have to bring the issue up to some degree with whomever I am dating, and if they reject me for it, then it's their loss not mine. I feel like I would be willing to explore that act with someone I can trust, and who I know won't hurry me up and judge me for my issues. If that person is not in my life at the moment, then so be it, God has a plan for me, and I am certainly in no rush to get hitched right now. I am on a journey to get to know myself so that I can love myself fully, as the man I am, and the man that I want to become, one day at a time.