Going to the chapel and we're gonna get married...

So last Sunday I met this totally hot daddy, and went home with him...we had an amazing time sexually, and what made it all the better was the fact that I threw every curve ball in my arsenal (recovering addict, sober living, HIV, etc) and none of those things sent him running the other way, which was great. So off I went the rest of Sunday, and most of Monday on cloud nine planning out our marriage, our life, and then reality set back in on our second rendezvous...there we were naked in his bed, and off he went on a two hour tangent about HIV not causing AIDS. Most may think, wow that man is crazy for thinking that, and even though I am a sucker for conspiracy theories IN THE MIDDLE OF SEX...ON OUR SECOND “DATE”!!?? That burst my bubble quicker than you can say zipeede doo dah! When he wasn't going off on the 205 reasons why AIDS is a drug company conspiracy, he was telling me how proud he was off my accomplishments (getting off meth, going to school, etc.) which was nice, but after the 15th time it kinda got old and repetitive. He also went on to imply that he wanted to be in a relationship with someone, Jesus H. Christ I never thought it would be possible, but I met someone a little more “crazy” than me...so we're engaged...just kidding, anyway, we'll see how things go, I would love to keep seeing him sexually, cause wow are we ever compatible there...but I also don't want to lead him on. I am not sure that I am ready for a relationship anyway, much less with someone far more needy than me...on a lighter note I just got back from watching the new movie Julie & Julia which was adorable and a half, it actually inspired me some more on this whole blogging thing again.

It's MY body, and my body's NOBODYS bussiness but my own...

So I was reading my Entertainment Weekly as I usually do on Saturdays when I am not crazy busy, and in the News Monitor & Notes section I read this little note that peaked my interest, it read under “Apologies” : ...On June 12, Oscar winning Milk screenwriter Dustin Lance Black, 35, released a statement to E! News after photos surfaced that appear to depict Black having unprotected sex:
I apologize and cannot emphasize enough the importance of responsible sexual practices.”

This took me aback for many reasons, first of all that anyone cared that he did this, or that he had to apologize for it. I personally do not practice safe sex with my partners, but I do this with first always making sure that I am doing it with someone who is already positive, I do not fuck around with negative guys. I will be the first to admit that when I was fucked up on meth, I would not give two shits about who I was fucking and how, I just wanted to get off...well not get off, since tweekers don't really ejaculate for DAYS, but that is besides the point. I think that it is the two (or more) consenting adults' choice to do with each other what they please, as long as all the cards are out on the table for them to make this informed decision. I have talked to my doctor about it, who is a well respected AIDS/HIV doctor and he said that only in your first year of infection is there a danger of getting this “super strain” of the HIV virus. Of course I run the danger of catching other STDs but that is a risk I am willing to take for now. Maybe someday I will change my mind, but I highly doubt it.

This is the gay community's dirty little secret, that HIV positive men fuck bareback with each other. We see it as one of the few perks that comes with the disease. Let me say this though, I do not, I repeat DO NOT recommend anyone negative out there to zero convert themselves like I did in order to fuck bareback, it is NOT worth it. Cause though barebacking is great, people don't mention when you convert and start taking meds, you get diarrhea at LEAST once a month, you loose energy, stamina, you have to get your blood work done every three months, and for an ex IV drug user that is NOT a pleasant thing! So I think it is bullshit that he had to apologize for doing something that a lot of the gay community is doing, and that as long as he was doing it with a consenting adult who was well informed of whatever situation they were in, that it is nobody's business what they do or not do in the bedroom.

On THAT cheery note, it being Saturday (OK so it's technically Sunday now) here is my video pick for the week is a clip from one of my favorite Tony performances of all time, the show itself was iffy, but this song and these girls fucking BRING IT! Here are the girls from the Broadway show The Life (about Times Square hookers in the 80s) singing “My Body”...WERK bitches!

You wanna fuck me like an animal...

Well good luck with that! So last night (Wednesday night) I went to a CMA meeting called Sex & Relationships in sobriety, and me having had my first real date in sobriety last Sunday it has brought up this issue to my head, which I guess has been in there for a while now. I know people look at me and think “oh she's a big ol' bottom”, but in all honest truth I have a huge issue with getting fucked. This issue stems from the fact that I have been raped twice in my life. The first time was 9 or 10 years ago by one of my boyfriends, and then most recently around June or July of last year during my relapse. This issue has come up because when I was high I could give two shits as to who put what where, that is the glory of being a fucked up mess I guess, but now that I am a sober man who is getting to know himself I see it becoming an issue.

I am a huge flirt, and have sexual innuendos coming out the whazoo non stop. This I feel has created this illusion that I am this totally secure sexual being, which I am for the most part, I mean I know what I like to do in bed, and can be pretty vocal about it, but the one part I have been holding back for the most part has been the getting fucked issue, and I am totally unprepared as to how to deal with bringing it up to guys that I like. My fear is that the second I start getting real it may turn guys off, and may stall whatever intimacy was created already. I shared this at last night's meeting and my share was immensely well received. I got applauded for my honesty, and more than one guy came up to me after the meeting and shared their similar experiences with me.

So I have concluded that I will have to learn to work through my issues/insecurities with myself, and possibly discuss them with my therapist and friends who I trust completely. I also feel that I will have to bring the issue up to some degree with whomever I am dating, and if they reject me for it, then it's their loss not mine. I feel like I would be willing to explore that act with someone I can trust, and who I know won't hurry me up and judge me for my issues. If that person is not in my life at the moment, then so be it, God has a plan for me, and I am certainly in no rush to get hitched right now. I am on a journey to get to know myself so that I can love myself fully, as the man I am, and the man that I want to become, one day at a time.