I am beautiful, no matter what they say...

Wow, so after my big self esteem roller coaster journey this weekend, I have had a little something keeping me pretty high. I know you shouldn't solely rely on outside validation for your self esteem, but let me tell you it didn't hurt after all the self deprecation I performed this weekend. So I shared a couple of days ago about the guy I ran into on the bus, who facilitated my last relapse. Anyway, I found him on facebook, and we have been corresponding lightly on there. I asked him out to a movie this weekend, but he is busy working and so we set on next weekend. After we agreed to that, and I headed to school he sent me this sweet note on there, which was a great surprise to me when I got home a couple of hours ago. He wrote “You are a very sweet guy by the way”...sure my head began reeling and it also began asking myself “What is his angle?”, “what does he want from me?”...I mean someone that gorgeous usually doesn't go for a guy like me, is what I keep telling myself over and over. I honestly had to sit myself down, quiet myself up, meditate and think...why is he attracted to me? What could I possibly have that he finds attractive? Maybe the fact that I haven't picked up a needle in almost 10 months, how about the fact that I am taking care of myself by becoming a strong productive member of my community, how about the fact that I have set my mind on something scary, but exciting that will lead to an amazing life/career. Sure I still live at a sober living, sure I may still be a bit over my usual weight, but these are issues that will take care of themselves in good time. I may not be the best catch out there, yet...but I am sure working hard as all hell to make myself into a better man. So even though I am not totally self confident by myself, I am sure getting there.

...and I felt... nothing...

So I got back from a meeting a couple of hours ago where I had a very surprising event happen, actually a couple of things happened that I am quite surprised about. First of all, there has been this boy I have been totally obsessing over for the last couple of months who was at the rehab that I went to, and since we were both clients we couldn't do anything. So today he moved out of rehab and into another sober living, so for some reason, I honestly don't know where I got the balls to do this, I went up to him after the meeting and asked him out on a date. He said “we can hang out”, and then (I still don't know where I found my balls for this) said “no, I am asking you if you want to go out on a date with me”...and he shook his head.

9 months ago this would have devastated me completely, I would have run home crying, beating myself up, wondering what the hell was wrong with me that this totally broken down man did not want to go out with this fine piece of husband material, but...nothing...I wasn't upset by this at all. I wasn't exactly jumping up and down either, but it totally didn't affect me or my self esteem. I feel like I have made such growth in the last couple of months, first of all I finally had some balls to go up to someone and ask them out on a date, and second of all when I was rejected I didn't fall apart. I am so amazed at these new developments in my life.

Anyway, I am glad that my self esteem didn't take a hit, and to be honest i'm all “he is missing out on some great husband material here...it's HIS loss”, we'll see how long this lasts, hopefully this new attitude will stick.

I just want something I can never have...

So I was all ready to go on a tirade about why I keep picking unavailable men, and why do I have so much crazy in me when it comes to men, but then I sat down and watched tonight's episode of How I Met Your Mother, which is by far one of my favorite sitcoms. The episode was all about the two supporting characters (Barney and Marshall) trying to trick the main character Ted out of calling this girl he just met at a bar, and unloading his big bag of crazy too soon on her, and therefor alienating her, and scaring her away. When he finally finds out that they were the ones texting him and not her, he goes on to tell them that so what if keeps alienating girls, because he is being too affectionate too early, if that happens then they are not the right girl for him.

This, I believe, once again is my higher power communicating with me the best way he/she knows how to, through the media. As I have mentioned before I think that God puts his God shots to me through movies, music, and television because he/she knows that is the best way to get a point across to me.

I have been obsessing for the last couple of days over this guy I like, who is currently at the rehab that I graduated from (YES, I know I shouldn't be slobbering over newcomers, blah blah blah) and with whom I sorta jokingly but not really talked about dating as soon as he got out. After all we have so much in common, we are both in recovery, we are both HIV and hep C positive, he totally came up to me after I shared about my rape experience and said he knew where I was coming from, so in my head I totally feel like it could work. Also he is totally my type (tall, white, muscle-y) and I am his type (short, and Latin) but I feel like maybe I am pushing him away with all my “joking” about wanting to have a relationship with him. I know I can be very pushy and overbearing, and I have been trying to control that but it is sometimes too hard to restrain myself. I am who I am, and who I am is a loving, caring, funny fella'! I had gotten to a point in my sobriety where I had a strong sense of self and did not care what people thought of me, and where I did not try to butch it up, or try to portray myself as someone that I wasn't. I lost that for some reason, and I am in dire need to find that person again. I was gonna say it's weird that I needed a sitcom to remind me of that, but honestly that is how my higher power and I work. So I am grateful for HIMYM, and its cute yet poignant message for me tonight.

You wanna fuck me like an animal...

Well good luck with that! So last night (Wednesday night) I went to a CMA meeting called Sex & Relationships in sobriety, and me having had my first real date in sobriety last Sunday it has brought up this issue to my head, which I guess has been in there for a while now. I know people look at me and think “oh she's a big ol' bottom”, but in all honest truth I have a huge issue with getting fucked. This issue stems from the fact that I have been raped twice in my life. The first time was 9 or 10 years ago by one of my boyfriends, and then most recently around June or July of last year during my relapse. This issue has come up because when I was high I could give two shits as to who put what where, that is the glory of being a fucked up mess I guess, but now that I am a sober man who is getting to know himself I see it becoming an issue.

I am a huge flirt, and have sexual innuendos coming out the whazoo non stop. This I feel has created this illusion that I am this totally secure sexual being, which I am for the most part, I mean I know what I like to do in bed, and can be pretty vocal about it, but the one part I have been holding back for the most part has been the getting fucked issue, and I am totally unprepared as to how to deal with bringing it up to guys that I like. My fear is that the second I start getting real it may turn guys off, and may stall whatever intimacy was created already. I shared this at last night's meeting and my share was immensely well received. I got applauded for my honesty, and more than one guy came up to me after the meeting and shared their similar experiences with me.

So I have concluded that I will have to learn to work through my issues/insecurities with myself, and possibly discuss them with my therapist and friends who I trust completely. I also feel that I will have to bring the issue up to some degree with whomever I am dating, and if they reject me for it, then it's their loss not mine. I feel like I would be willing to explore that act with someone I can trust, and who I know won't hurry me up and judge me for my issues. If that person is not in my life at the moment, then so be it, God has a plan for me, and I am certainly in no rush to get hitched right now. I am on a journey to get to know myself so that I can love myself fully, as the man I am, and the man that I want to become, one day at a time.

I can't hear the bells, my head isn't reeling! The bridesmaids aren't singing!

So last night I had my first date in sobriety, and I couldn't be on any higher cloud right now. For many reasons. First of all it just feels good to be liked, and it feels great to hold hands with someone, kiss and snuggle with them during a movie, it is just an amazing feeling.

The main reasons that I feel so good about it though, are attributed to how much my thinking has changed since my last date, which I am guessing was probably about a year and a half to two years ago. This time I have my priorities straight, which I believe I have listed before, but I will list them again just in case I didn't!
1.Sobriety
2.School
3.Work(whenever I get it)
4.Family
5.Friends
6.Boyfriend

Secondly, and I think most important to my sanity and sobriety is the fact that even after spending a wonderful evening with the lad I did not go into “marriage mode” which is something I do, correction, DID a lot. I would immediately plan out our whole relationship in my head, picture our future together, culminating in a life with a house, friends, parties, etc. God knows if that side of me will rear its ugly head at some other point, but for now I am still quite focused on where I have to be in my life, the things that I have to do in my life in order for it to keep moving forward. Who knows if this will lead into a relationship more than a friendship? The blessing I have in my life right now is that I am not over analizing this shit to death. And the reason that I changed the lyrics from the Hairspray song “I CAN hear the bells” isn't be cause I don't this this guy isn't special enough to be the one or anything, its just that for once I am not hearing those wedding bells ringing after just one date, and that is a great step for me, and I couldn't be prouder!

Love is gone, my TV is on...

So Sunday, I had a bit of an emotional journey. A small one in the scheme of things, but a journey none the less. I was supposed to go on my first date in sobriety, my first date in years to be honest. I must admit that it was with a guy who everybody kept telling me to watch out for, and warned me about repeatedly to stay away from. I had picked a movie to go to, and we were going to go after the meeting we usually go to. Half way through the meeting he starts talking up this boy that he was in rehab with, who is VERY hot, and I had heard that he had a thing for when they were both there. At the end of the meeting I am waiting for my date, and he comes up with the boy, and the boy says “So I hear we're going to the movies!?”, I immediately pull my date to the side and tell him that I do not want to hang out if it's going to be the three of us, expecting him to pick me over the boy. WRONG! He said, alright, I guess we'll reschedule...and walks away. I totally threw a pity party for myself on the bus ride home. I was indignant at how he could pick the other boy over me. It totally took me back to when I was dating my boyfriend Michael in NYC, with whom I had an open relationship and we had agreed that our only thing with the open relationship is that when it came down to it between me and the trick, I would of course come first; and how at the end of the relationship he would sometimes pick the trick over me. ANYWHO, I digress. I totally created a big space for this resentful feeling in my head, but after talking to friends and my therapist I have started seeing it as a blessing, that I got to see this asshole's true colors, and I have no business starting any type of relationship with him whether it be romantic, or a friendship. So good riddance to him!

On to my first addiction, TV. I must admit that I am still a bit saddened that the fierce and incomparable Nina Flowers did not win Rupaul's Drag Race last night! I didn't want her to win just because I sort of knew her, and had seen her perform in Puerto Rico a couple of times, but because I honestly thought that she was the best one there. Though I did think that Bebe did an amazing job, and if Nina lost to anyone at least it was her, and not the tragic Rebeca Glasscock. There are so many levels in which I DESPISE Rebeca, the first one is her last name, to those who don't know glass cock is another name for a drug pipe, be it meth, or crack, so the fact that s he named herself after drug paraphernalia really irked me to no end. I thought that she should have been kicked off instead of Jasmine, I thought she was a much more classy lady and a talent to boot! I just loved that show to no end, and can't wait for season 2, hurry up and get that new season up and running soon Ru Ru!!

On another side of TV I have found myself addicted to another show, The Locator, on WEEEEEEEEE, er I mean WE. I think that the idea of people finding their long lost relatives is such a beautiful and amazing experience, sometimes I wonder if it's because I have recently sparked an interest in finding my birth mother, who knows? Anyway, the only part I really like of the show is when they find them, the guy who does the finding though I couldn't possibly hate more. He is such an arrogant fuck, he drives a Hummer and he flies around on a private jet! I just think that with our economy and all our environmental woes there is no need to be such a gas guzzling fucker! GRRRRRR

On yet ANOTHER side of TV, my favorite show Battlestar Galactica aired it's last show on Friday night, due to my schedule I wasn't able to see it till yesterday afternoon. I found it to be quite a beautiful and amazing way to end such a great show! I would have been crying like a girl if it wasn't for my roommates stomping in and out at all the most inopportune times, but I guess that's the price of living in sober living!

I have confidence in sunshine, I have confidence in rain...

Gee wilikers, I feel so confident right now. I just got out of my session with my shrink a little while ago , and I am sitting at Java Detour in WeHo just wasting time before heading to school, but I had an amazing little break through leaving my shrink's office. There is this guy who has a session right after me, but since I usually left early I never saw him, but two weeks ago I had a whole bunch of shit that I had to get off my chest, anyway that's when we ran into each other and we both totally checked each other out, that felt really good. Today I got all purtied up knowing he would be there, anyway usually when it comes to guys I am attracted to I just giggle like a teenage girl, and just run like the dickens away from the situation, but this time I had worked myself up with the help of my therapist to have the balls to say hi, introduce myself and give the guy my number. Usually my head talks me out of it, but I think the fact that I am doing so well in my life (i.e. school, friends, landing a big role in the AALA show) that I actually followed through with it. I smiled at him , said hi, and gave him my card. He in return said “Hi my name is ________” and I returned the intro. It was a total rush for me to have actually gone through with something like that, I am truly growing as a man. I know that this little instance probably doesn't seem like much to anyone, but it does to me and it totally raised my spirits up and my “go get 'em” chutzpah. Also for once I have not started building our marriage in my head, or given him too much power either. If he calls great, if not I'll live. It has really gotten me on an upswing and in fact it woke me up, to the point that when I sat down to waste time at Java Detour before school, I decided to be productive and seriously start working on getting a job. First I tweaked my resume (tee hee I said tweak) into a more general, and not so salon centered resume, so that I may expand my job search to retail and the such. After which I have been hunting for work on different sites, and signing up for job sites like monster.com ; anyway it has been a great week so far, and what little I had to complain about is really out of my mind for now.

Lord I'm doin' all I can, to be a better man...

What the fuck is wrong with me. An old character flaw of mine has just been activated, I totally feel like I've been a sleeper Cylon and I have just been activated to duty (geeky Battlestar Galactica reference) , anywho so there is this guy who I was sort of interested in when I met him, but as I got to know him it was clear to me that he was more of a person I would be friends with, rather than someone I was genuinely interested in romantically. Anyway, I JUST got home a few minutes ago all excited because I am the KING (well, QUEEN to be totally honest) of men's haircutting...which I will talk about at a later time, and I find this guy all cuddled up with one of my housemates.

Seeing them all cozy like that totally irked the living shit out of me, and I fucking hate that feeling. I mean its not like I want to date either one of them, I guess it's that stupid thinking of “If I can't have you, nobody else can either”...which I know is totally fucked up, but that is just how I felt. I was totally passive aggressive with them too, they told me I had mail, and I was trying to rummage through the pile that I did see in the dark dinner table, and couldn't find any, and when my housemate suggested I turn on the light, I said something along the lines of “I wouldn't wanna ruin you dark romantic lighting”. MEOW! RIGHT? Sheesh, what a bitch I was...anyway I've been taught that in order to get out of your head you should share it with someone, so hey why not share it on my blog, and just acknowledge my crappy way of thinking and just making myself into a better man.

I'm obssesive when just the thought of you comes up

Alright, so Wednesday we had a new student join our little band of misfits at night school, and I thought he was yummy! That is putting it mildly actually. Whenever I meet a man I map out our whole relationship in my head. I imagine how our first flirtation will be, then how we will start dating, how our dates are gonna be, who's moving in with whom, are we gonna get a pet together, are we gonna have an open relationship, what our first fight will be like, where will we get married, will we adopt one or two kids, etc.
The school environment facilitated my talking to him since there are only 8 or so of us in the class total, but when I start crushing on guys at meetings for example ,I am a total doofus! It can be weeks, even months till I get the balls to actually introduce myself to the guy, I think the main reason for me to not talk to them for such a long time is that I like to keep the mystery of what the guy is really like, and how he will probably not live up to my head's standards. For example the guy in my class, I found out tonight, is straight...and of course I was disappointed, not because I really thought we had a chance of ever being something, but because I was enjoying the fantasy that my head was creating, it's a lot easier for me to live out my life that way I guess. I would like to change that, and start dating for real. People keep telling me that you shouldn't date in early sobriety, but i'm so antsy just because the last time I was in a relationship, President Bush was still popular, if that tells you anything!! I know, I know...someday my prince will come, but WHEN!? I want him NOW DADDY!