You're ugly, what the fuck gave birth to you!!??

Alright, so I've been struggling with whether or not I should share this with the world (and by the world I mean the three people following my blog) , but why start hiding shit now? So as you may recall Sunday is when we found out who got what role in the AALA show, that is when I discovered this really ugly side of myself. There was a couple of guys there that I totally did not want to have bigger parts than me. One of them was because we saw each other ALL THE TIME at meetings, but he would never really acknowledge me,the other guy was because he had dated my best friend back when I had a crush on him, but the third one was because he is one of those guys who is hot AND he knows he's hot, so he's got this huge Adonis complex and thinks he's better than everyone else, and only hangs out with other pretty people, and that totally urks me!! Cause what I love about this program is that we are all so different as far as our backgrounds are concerned, but when you get down to the nitty gritty of it we are all there because we all have the same problem: we have a problem with drugs and/or alcohol; and we need outside help in order to get back to our productive lives, in many cases to create for ourselves healthier, more productive lives. So when the first read through was over, and we all knew what we had gotten here is the breakdown of the three guys: the first one got a HUGE part, which at first made me jealous till I saw that my part was better suited for me and I totally fell in love with my part in the show. The second one got a couple of good solo lines, and I could have really given two shits about him anymore. But the last one is basically in the chorus, and boy did I rejoice in that, I saw him during our cigarette break walk outside totally pissed at not having a role in the show, and the gross part was that I could not have been any happier about it. My therapist said that I am only human, and that I shouldn't beat myself up for feeling that way. Which I am not, but I just don't particularly like myself thinking this way. Oh well, I will try and be a better person, but in the meantime I have a great role, and he doesn't HA HA!

And just for shits and giggles, I wanna share with y'all this video of one of my favorite acts in the world, who introduced the song that this post's title comes from. Ladies and gentlemen I give you the incomparable Kiki & Herb!

Lord I'm doin' all I can, to be a better man...

What the fuck is wrong with me. An old character flaw of mine has just been activated, I totally feel like I've been a sleeper Cylon and I have just been activated to duty (geeky Battlestar Galactica reference) , anywho so there is this guy who I was sort of interested in when I met him, but as I got to know him it was clear to me that he was more of a person I would be friends with, rather than someone I was genuinely interested in romantically. Anyway, I JUST got home a few minutes ago all excited because I am the KING (well, QUEEN to be totally honest) of men's haircutting...which I will talk about at a later time, and I find this guy all cuddled up with one of my housemates.

Seeing them all cozy like that totally irked the living shit out of me, and I fucking hate that feeling. I mean its not like I want to date either one of them, I guess it's that stupid thinking of “If I can't have you, nobody else can either”...which I know is totally fucked up, but that is just how I felt. I was totally passive aggressive with them too, they told me I had mail, and I was trying to rummage through the pile that I did see in the dark dinner table, and couldn't find any, and when my housemate suggested I turn on the light, I said something along the lines of “I wouldn't wanna ruin you dark romantic lighting”. MEOW! RIGHT? Sheesh, what a bitch I was...anyway I've been taught that in order to get out of your head you should share it with someone, so hey why not share it on my blog, and just acknowledge my crappy way of thinking and just making myself into a better man.

Maybe your crazy, just like me...

So a couple of days ago, when I shared about my roommate relapsing, I said that I had originally planned on sharing about this new guy I met. So here is the deal, first of all I'm a crazy Latin man, which means I'm very jealous, possessive, but also very passionate and loving. I am usually not attracted to Latin me, but last Saturday I met a man so beautiful in looks that my heart went pitter patter, and my pants grew immediately

I was heading over to do the setup for my CMA meeting (Saturdays at 7pm )at Frank's House(2530 Hyperion Ave) which is the rehab that I went to. So, before heading downstairs I talked to my friend and blog fan Thom, going on and on about how bad I was feeling at always checking out the newcomers at meetings. Which to those of you not in the program, it is frowned upon to date or sleep with newcomers. There is a saying, that newcomers are like retards: it's OK for them to fuck each other, but when you do it it's just wrong; but I digress...I had gone on a whole spiel on how I wanted to change my predatory ways and just stick to working on my recovery, and then I walk downstairs to meet this new guy in the house who was just beautiful as all hell, and very sweet. We proceeded to flirt heavily with each other and during the meeting we were very touchy feely with each other. I wanted to cross that line so bad, it has been a while since someone that I found attractive was attracted to me. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel like the hunchback of Notre dame, but I feel like all the attractive men who have time, still think of me as respectively new; and are therefore backing off. The only guys hitting on me are creepy older pervs.
ANYWHO, as I am sitting at the meeting being all flirty with this guy, my friends the Anthony's walk in, and immediately they start giving me these dirty looks until I finally pulled one aside, where he proceeded to warn me about this guy's clingy-ness. He of course thought that this would scare me away, but quite the opposite, I feel like: FINALLY, someone who speaks my kind of crazy! Now I know that I wont be doing anything with him for a while, first of all because if we were to get caught we would both get kicked out, and I am not about to become a homeless queen...I don't do homeless it would NOT be cute! Second of all he is a newcomer, and when you are in your first couple of months of recovery your head is still foggy, and you are still learning to love yourself, and how could you expect someone to love you if you don't even love yourself. So I feel that with my putting all this out there, and letting people in on whats going on, then it takes away any chance of me sneaking around and doing the wrong thing. Who the hell knows if he is the future Mr. Rapoport, stranger things have happened, we'll see.