Last night I partied like it was 5769!

Don't worry kids, I did not “party” last night I was merely adapting a popular song for comical purposes of conveying what I did last night, which was I went to temple and partook in Rosh Hashana services at Kol Ami! I hadn't been to temple in a while, I know...bad bad Jew, but it totally was an amazing and spiritual experience for me. It made me contemplate my year, which has been one of some turmoil but in general has been great.

The temple that I go to is amazing, the rabbi is an amazing lesbian and the cantor is just to DIE FOR! His voice and the musical arrangements that he comes up with are just so moving and genius. My friend Rob, who got me into services for free offered to help me get a membership at our congregation (which is normally a very expensive thing) and I am definitely interested, the only thing holding me back is that I haven't officially converted to judaism. You see in judaism you're supposed to be your mother's religion and in Christianity your supposed to be your father's religion so I'm technically not supposed to have a religion at all. I went to church till I was around 10 or so, after which I could not handle all the hate that I heard from the priest, it confused me because my abuela (my mother's mother) was so religious and full of love, I could not understand why she belonged to such a hateful religion. I then learned that the religion itself isn't hateful, or at least it doesn't have to be. Anyway, I felt that judaism at least non orthodox judaism was far more welcoming than many other religions I have encountered, and the one I can identify with the most. I will most likely take a class at temple that is kind of an introduction to judaism and hopefully when I am done with school at Aveda, I will be able to fully take on classes to officially convert to judaism. I am by no means, a Torah thumper ( in fact I couldn't possibly quote you ANYTHING from the holy book) but I believe in this loving and caring God that I have been exposed to at Kol Ami, and look forward to growing not only as a man, but as a spiritual being.

It being Saturday, I will share with you a song that I had totally forgotten about till this fierce lady came out with her last album, and I went back to her older shit, I totally love this song, and would love sharing it with you, here is Robyn with “Show me Love”!

I just want something I can never have...

So I was all ready to go on a tirade about why I keep picking unavailable men, and why do I have so much crazy in me when it comes to men, but then I sat down and watched tonight's episode of How I Met Your Mother, which is by far one of my favorite sitcoms. The episode was all about the two supporting characters (Barney and Marshall) trying to trick the main character Ted out of calling this girl he just met at a bar, and unloading his big bag of crazy too soon on her, and therefor alienating her, and scaring her away. When he finally finds out that they were the ones texting him and not her, he goes on to tell them that so what if keeps alienating girls, because he is being too affectionate too early, if that happens then they are not the right girl for him.

This, I believe, once again is my higher power communicating with me the best way he/she knows how to, through the media. As I have mentioned before I think that God puts his God shots to me through movies, music, and television because he/she knows that is the best way to get a point across to me.

I have been obsessing for the last couple of days over this guy I like, who is currently at the rehab that I graduated from (YES, I know I shouldn't be slobbering over newcomers, blah blah blah) and with whom I sorta jokingly but not really talked about dating as soon as he got out. After all we have so much in common, we are both in recovery, we are both HIV and hep C positive, he totally came up to me after I shared about my rape experience and said he knew where I was coming from, so in my head I totally feel like it could work. Also he is totally my type (tall, white, muscle-y) and I am his type (short, and Latin) but I feel like maybe I am pushing him away with all my “joking” about wanting to have a relationship with him. I know I can be very pushy and overbearing, and I have been trying to control that but it is sometimes too hard to restrain myself. I am who I am, and who I am is a loving, caring, funny fella'! I had gotten to a point in my sobriety where I had a strong sense of self and did not care what people thought of me, and where I did not try to butch it up, or try to portray myself as someone that I wasn't. I lost that for some reason, and I am in dire need to find that person again. I was gonna say it's weird that I needed a sitcom to remind me of that, but honestly that is how my higher power and I work. So I am grateful for HIMYM, and its cute yet poignant message for me tonight.

Here comes the sun, here comes the sun, and I saaaay...never go away!

So after a yummy and gloomy couple of days filled with rain, and dark clouds the sun finally came out to play today. And what a better day for me to pretty myself up and go to temple. I went over to Kol Ami one of the lovely gay temples here in town for shabbat services, and though it wasn't the packed house and “seen and be seen” event that I had experienced in the past, it was a truly beautiful service. It focused on escaping the shackles of slavery, and the whole parting of the red sea bit. There were about 35 of us there, and even though I didn't know what the hell I was saying half the time, I still enjoyed the spiritual journey I got to go on. Everyone was very friendly and welcoming to me, and not in the creepy “ooohhhh new meat” kinda way, which was a nice change of pace! Afterwards I walked over to Borders to get some books on judaism and dieting (not Jewish dieting, since I do love my bacon cheeseburgers, God will forgive me for this I think) and took the bus home. It's been a pretty quiet day, I have yet to turn on my TV yet, which is a real change of pace for me, I'm usually glued to the TV whenever I'm home, but I decided to write out my blog for the day, and then work on my step 2 assignment, which oddly enough is to write a “want ad” for my higher power. I think after today that will be quite the easy task for me. Everything seems to be falling into place for me, I have finally gotten my hairstylist mojo, and I'm maintaining a pretty balanced and enriched sobriety this time around. The friend situation is a bit frustrating, mostly because a lot of the people I have grown close to have relapsed lately, but it has not over taken my life, and I have only God to thank for that! Jesus Christ, I'm starting to sound like a freakin Jesus freak, minus the Jesus, which I'm not! The last thing I want to do is push my religious beliefs onto others, I just merely wanted to share my amazing day with y'all...all two of you! Anyway, hope your days are as amazing as mine. Sort of along this religious line of thinking I wanna share one of my favorite videos from my high school days, I couldn't believe that these queens were so popular back then! I love me some hot tranny messes!

What if God was one of us? Just a slob like one of us...

So it is said that on the 7th day God rested, but who am I to rest? I've mentioned God a bit in my blog, and I have stated that I am a Jew, but me and God haven't always had this amazing relationship that we have today.

I was raised roman catholic, I've been baptized and confirmed. But I've never really fallen for the hype of this Jesus fella, don't get me wrong, I do think that he was a real person, and that he did good things in his time, but I don't believe that he was/is the son of God, well no more than you and I are children of God. My father is Jewish, but not very religious, we celebrated channukah, but that was about it. I've been to Israel twice, to visit my uncle Steve and his gazillion kids, who are all hasidic.

In high school I said that I was an atheist, but that was just to fit in with my god-less communist friends, I always believed in something greater than myself. I never gave it a name, but I learned from my mother how to be spiritual, to be thankful for what I had, and to be open to whatever is out there. I guess I always have been spiritual, I feel like I've had a conversation with God almost every day. I know this might sound crazy, but I feel like God talks to me through the best way he knows how. Media. He definitely has always talked to me through music, whether it be an amazing rendition of a Vivaldi concerto, or getting me to dance my ass off with a new Madonna jam! I also know he talks to me through TV, I am a huge TV junkie, and I feel like he knows how to reach me that way.

Let me sight you a few examples, during this last relapse it seems that God arranged for every one of my favorite shows had “a very special episode” about some sort of addiction. I felt that he was trying to get me to stop, but I wasn't ready to listen. But my theory was quite prevalent on my last day of using, I had been up for almost 10 days or so, and I was taking my TV break, which usually consisted of 3 or 4 hours of catching up on my TiVo and eating an apple. In my head I was totally getting ready for another week of amoral sex, and endless days of constant slamming (shooting dope), but for the moment I was catching up on my Law & Order: Criminal Intent's. In this episode, entitled “Brother's Keeper”, while detective Goren ( Vincent D'Onofrio) was in the process of solving a crime, he runs into his junkie brother, and it shows him struggling with how to help this broken man he loves so much. Halfway through the episode, I hear a knock at the door, my paranoia makes me think it's the police coming to get me, but as I stare through the peephole I see my brother in law and my sister standing there. Every inch of my body tells me to escape out my balcony door, but I thankfully answered the door, after some coaxing, I let them in, and they proceed to tell me how my whole family is worried about me, and how much they love me. That was my moment of clarity for me, they were all I needed to finally see how far away from my true self I had gone.

After a couple of weeks in rehab, I was invited to attend services at one of the gay temples here in town for Rosh Hashanah, and never in my life had I been so moved in a religious setting to the point of tears. It was then that I was totally in love with this temple and its teachings, and I hope to become more involved in judaism and its complex history, I look forward to my conversations with God every day because he is there for me, and I don't want this to scare away anyone from reading my blog, I am by no means I Torah thumping Jew, I still have a lot to learn about myself and Judaism, but la'haim and the amazing journey ahead of me!