Going to the chapel and we're gonna get married...

So last Sunday I met this totally hot daddy, and went home with him...we had an amazing time sexually, and what made it all the better was the fact that I threw every curve ball in my arsenal (recovering addict, sober living, HIV, etc) and none of those things sent him running the other way, which was great. So off I went the rest of Sunday, and most of Monday on cloud nine planning out our marriage, our life, and then reality set back in on our second rendezvous...there we were naked in his bed, and off he went on a two hour tangent about HIV not causing AIDS. Most may think, wow that man is crazy for thinking that, and even though I am a sucker for conspiracy theories IN THE MIDDLE OF SEX...ON OUR SECOND “DATE”!!?? That burst my bubble quicker than you can say zipeede doo dah! When he wasn't going off on the 205 reasons why AIDS is a drug company conspiracy, he was telling me how proud he was off my accomplishments (getting off meth, going to school, etc.) which was nice, but after the 15th time it kinda got old and repetitive. He also went on to imply that he wanted to be in a relationship with someone, Jesus H. Christ I never thought it would be possible, but I met someone a little more “crazy” than me...so we're engaged...just kidding, anyway, we'll see how things go, I would love to keep seeing him sexually, cause wow are we ever compatible there...but I also don't want to lead him on. I am not sure that I am ready for a relationship anyway, much less with someone far more needy than me...on a lighter note I just got back from watching the new movie Julie & Julia which was adorable and a half, it actually inspired me some more on this whole blogging thing again.

I just want something I can never have...

So I was all ready to go on a tirade about why I keep picking unavailable men, and why do I have so much crazy in me when it comes to men, but then I sat down and watched tonight's episode of How I Met Your Mother, which is by far one of my favorite sitcoms. The episode was all about the two supporting characters (Barney and Marshall) trying to trick the main character Ted out of calling this girl he just met at a bar, and unloading his big bag of crazy too soon on her, and therefor alienating her, and scaring her away. When he finally finds out that they were the ones texting him and not her, he goes on to tell them that so what if keeps alienating girls, because he is being too affectionate too early, if that happens then they are not the right girl for him.

This, I believe, once again is my higher power communicating with me the best way he/she knows how to, through the media. As I have mentioned before I think that God puts his God shots to me through movies, music, and television because he/she knows that is the best way to get a point across to me.

I have been obsessing for the last couple of days over this guy I like, who is currently at the rehab that I graduated from (YES, I know I shouldn't be slobbering over newcomers, blah blah blah) and with whom I sorta jokingly but not really talked about dating as soon as he got out. After all we have so much in common, we are both in recovery, we are both HIV and hep C positive, he totally came up to me after I shared about my rape experience and said he knew where I was coming from, so in my head I totally feel like it could work. Also he is totally my type (tall, white, muscle-y) and I am his type (short, and Latin) but I feel like maybe I am pushing him away with all my “joking” about wanting to have a relationship with him. I know I can be very pushy and overbearing, and I have been trying to control that but it is sometimes too hard to restrain myself. I am who I am, and who I am is a loving, caring, funny fella'! I had gotten to a point in my sobriety where I had a strong sense of self and did not care what people thought of me, and where I did not try to butch it up, or try to portray myself as someone that I wasn't. I lost that for some reason, and I am in dire need to find that person again. I was gonna say it's weird that I needed a sitcom to remind me of that, but honestly that is how my higher power and I work. So I am grateful for HIMYM, and its cute yet poignant message for me tonight.

You wanna fuck me like an animal...

Well good luck with that! So last night (Wednesday night) I went to a CMA meeting called Sex & Relationships in sobriety, and me having had my first real date in sobriety last Sunday it has brought up this issue to my head, which I guess has been in there for a while now. I know people look at me and think “oh she's a big ol' bottom”, but in all honest truth I have a huge issue with getting fucked. This issue stems from the fact that I have been raped twice in my life. The first time was 9 or 10 years ago by one of my boyfriends, and then most recently around June or July of last year during my relapse. This issue has come up because when I was high I could give two shits as to who put what where, that is the glory of being a fucked up mess I guess, but now that I am a sober man who is getting to know himself I see it becoming an issue.

I am a huge flirt, and have sexual innuendos coming out the whazoo non stop. This I feel has created this illusion that I am this totally secure sexual being, which I am for the most part, I mean I know what I like to do in bed, and can be pretty vocal about it, but the one part I have been holding back for the most part has been the getting fucked issue, and I am totally unprepared as to how to deal with bringing it up to guys that I like. My fear is that the second I start getting real it may turn guys off, and may stall whatever intimacy was created already. I shared this at last night's meeting and my share was immensely well received. I got applauded for my honesty, and more than one guy came up to me after the meeting and shared their similar experiences with me.

So I have concluded that I will have to learn to work through my issues/insecurities with myself, and possibly discuss them with my therapist and friends who I trust completely. I also feel that I will have to bring the issue up to some degree with whomever I am dating, and if they reject me for it, then it's their loss not mine. I feel like I would be willing to explore that act with someone I can trust, and who I know won't hurry me up and judge me for my issues. If that person is not in my life at the moment, then so be it, God has a plan for me, and I am certainly in no rush to get hitched right now. I am on a journey to get to know myself so that I can love myself fully, as the man I am, and the man that I want to become, one day at a time.

I can't hear the bells, my head isn't reeling! The bridesmaids aren't singing!

So last night I had my first date in sobriety, and I couldn't be on any higher cloud right now. For many reasons. First of all it just feels good to be liked, and it feels great to hold hands with someone, kiss and snuggle with them during a movie, it is just an amazing feeling.

The main reasons that I feel so good about it though, are attributed to how much my thinking has changed since my last date, which I am guessing was probably about a year and a half to two years ago. This time I have my priorities straight, which I believe I have listed before, but I will list them again just in case I didn't!
1.Sobriety
2.School
3.Work(whenever I get it)
4.Family
5.Friends
6.Boyfriend

Secondly, and I think most important to my sanity and sobriety is the fact that even after spending a wonderful evening with the lad I did not go into “marriage mode” which is something I do, correction, DID a lot. I would immediately plan out our whole relationship in my head, picture our future together, culminating in a life with a house, friends, parties, etc. God knows if that side of me will rear its ugly head at some other point, but for now I am still quite focused on where I have to be in my life, the things that I have to do in my life in order for it to keep moving forward. Who knows if this will lead into a relationship more than a friendship? The blessing I have in my life right now is that I am not over analizing this shit to death. And the reason that I changed the lyrics from the Hairspray song “I CAN hear the bells” isn't be cause I don't this this guy isn't special enough to be the one or anything, its just that for once I am not hearing those wedding bells ringing after just one date, and that is a great step for me, and I couldn't be prouder!

Love is gone, my TV is on...

So Sunday, I had a bit of an emotional journey. A small one in the scheme of things, but a journey none the less. I was supposed to go on my first date in sobriety, my first date in years to be honest. I must admit that it was with a guy who everybody kept telling me to watch out for, and warned me about repeatedly to stay away from. I had picked a movie to go to, and we were going to go after the meeting we usually go to. Half way through the meeting he starts talking up this boy that he was in rehab with, who is VERY hot, and I had heard that he had a thing for when they were both there. At the end of the meeting I am waiting for my date, and he comes up with the boy, and the boy says “So I hear we're going to the movies!?”, I immediately pull my date to the side and tell him that I do not want to hang out if it's going to be the three of us, expecting him to pick me over the boy. WRONG! He said, alright, I guess we'll reschedule...and walks away. I totally threw a pity party for myself on the bus ride home. I was indignant at how he could pick the other boy over me. It totally took me back to when I was dating my boyfriend Michael in NYC, with whom I had an open relationship and we had agreed that our only thing with the open relationship is that when it came down to it between me and the trick, I would of course come first; and how at the end of the relationship he would sometimes pick the trick over me. ANYWHO, I digress. I totally created a big space for this resentful feeling in my head, but after talking to friends and my therapist I have started seeing it as a blessing, that I got to see this asshole's true colors, and I have no business starting any type of relationship with him whether it be romantic, or a friendship. So good riddance to him!

On to my first addiction, TV. I must admit that I am still a bit saddened that the fierce and incomparable Nina Flowers did not win Rupaul's Drag Race last night! I didn't want her to win just because I sort of knew her, and had seen her perform in Puerto Rico a couple of times, but because I honestly thought that she was the best one there. Though I did think that Bebe did an amazing job, and if Nina lost to anyone at least it was her, and not the tragic Rebeca Glasscock. There are so many levels in which I DESPISE Rebeca, the first one is her last name, to those who don't know glass cock is another name for a drug pipe, be it meth, or crack, so the fact that s he named herself after drug paraphernalia really irked me to no end. I thought that she should have been kicked off instead of Jasmine, I thought she was a much more classy lady and a talent to boot! I just loved that show to no end, and can't wait for season 2, hurry up and get that new season up and running soon Ru Ru!!

On another side of TV I have found myself addicted to another show, The Locator, on WEEEEEEEEE, er I mean WE. I think that the idea of people finding their long lost relatives is such a beautiful and amazing experience, sometimes I wonder if it's because I have recently sparked an interest in finding my birth mother, who knows? Anyway, the only part I really like of the show is when they find them, the guy who does the finding though I couldn't possibly hate more. He is such an arrogant fuck, he drives a Hummer and he flies around on a private jet! I just think that with our economy and all our environmental woes there is no need to be such a gas guzzling fucker! GRRRRRR

On yet ANOTHER side of TV, my favorite show Battlestar Galactica aired it's last show on Friday night, due to my schedule I wasn't able to see it till yesterday afternoon. I found it to be quite a beautiful and amazing way to end such a great show! I would have been crying like a girl if it wasn't for my roommates stomping in and out at all the most inopportune times, but I guess that's the price of living in sober living!

Have you ever been low? Have you ever had a friend who let you down so?

In working the 12 steps, the first one is to admit I am powerless over crystal meth. I have done so with no problem whatsoever, that is a total given, the hard thing for me to do is to realize that I am powerless over my friends' actions. I find my self in a couple of situations where I want to tell people what to do, or rescue them, but it just wouldn't be right for me to do so.

First one is with one of my friends, he is truly somebody really close to me, I love him to death, but the god damn disease of addiction has overrun him again. He sees no light at the end of the tunnel, he wants to quit, but he doesn't feel like he can. I can totally identify deeply with his struggle, I have been in his position many times, and it was only for the grace of God that I was able to get back. I want to just slap him upside the head and get some sense back into him, but alas that would not be a safe place for me, as I might be tempted when I see him all fucked up. So I have to just let it go, and pray that he gets back here sooner rather than later and in somewhat healthy conditions.

The second situation is one of my other closest friends (I sure know how to pick 'em) he relapsed a couple of weeks ago with his boyfriend, luckily it only lasted for a couple of days and not months or years like me. After one day of tweeking his insanity came right back, everyone around him saw this. So thanks to his little run he has a clearer picture of what he wants to do with his life (i.e. stay sober, focus on work, getting some stable friendships) the sad part is that his boyfriend is a functioning tweeker, there is hardly any psychosis and he can go about regular menial things with no problem, so he has decided to keep tweeking. At first he tried to hide this, explaining that he forgot to let his boyfriend know where he was at ( for 12 hours), and that even though he was at his dealer's house he was not using, he was merely helping him paint. The poor sap believed him at first, but when he did this a second time he had told me that he couldn't believe that he could've fallen for that crap. To make all of this even better, their roommate has also relapsed and has proceeded to go extremely crazy. My poor friend didn't know what to do. His friends and loved ones told him to get out of there immediately, to stay with sober friends until he can figure out what to do next. This was the plan we had concocted before I went to school yesterday, but then I called him after school to see if he wanted me to stop by and visit for some cheering up, and his boyfriend was there, and it seemed like business as usual “ no no, he's fine, we're fine, I'm good thanks...”

Yes I know that none of this is ANY of my business, but I do care for these two men so much, they have so much potential in them to be great contributing members of society, and the rescuer in me wants to get in there and fix it all, but my priorities are different now. I have to take care of myself and my sobriety first and foremost. So I decided to merely vent my frustrations out on here hoping that it may lift any anxiety I may have stemming from this.

We are young, heartache to heartache, we stand, no promises no demands...

LOVE is a battlefield! So the sometimes dreaded sometimes highly anticipated St. Valentine's Day is here once again. This day usually gets me down, but not for the obvious reason. You see 8 years ago today was when I was diagnosed with HIV, some days I am totally fine with it, other days it gets to me to have gotten this disease so young, but I feel like it has been a blessing in disguise. It has taught me adversity and has taught me to be a stronger man.

Anywho, on a lighter note I I haven't DATED dated someone for almost 7 years now, I've had plenty of sex and plenty of crushes but neither have led me to my other half, so I figured I would share with you my list of qualities for my ideal man, and maybe someone out there could set me up with the right man.

1.Age appropriate 30 – 40
2.Masculine looks, feminine personality
3.Knows what he wants in life
4.HIV +
5.Drug free
6.EXTREMELY filthy in the sack
7.Smart and cultured ( Someone who can hold down a conversation and go to rock or classical concerts, and of course the theater)
8.Great sense of humor
9.MUST LOVE Disneyland/World!
10.Can share the spotlight
11.Good dancer
12.Stable career
13.Loves to socialize
14.But also can enjoy a quiet night at home all snuggled up in front of the boob tube
15.Animal lover (i.e. not allergic to them)
16.Must love to travel
17.Family oriented ( I may want kids someday)
18.Has his own friends
19.Adventurous
20.Compassionate


And as far as looks are concerned I usually like white or Latin guys, anywhere from skinny geeky boys to husky bearish men, WOOF! I know that someday my prince will come, but I am getting a little anxious about it, I miss holding someone in my arms, and doing sweet romantic things just for the hell of it Hope everyone has a fabulous valentine's day!

As for my song for today, I used to listen to this song repeatedly while I was coming down off of meth, hoping that the message would fucking sink in sooner or later. I loved it before the fatties at the Biggest Loser started using it, and I loved her when she was Movin on up with the M People; so I give you Heather Small's “Proud”.

Quit playing games with my heart!

Men, oh we are such simple yet complicated beings. It amazes me to this day how immature men can be, even when they pass a certain age. I have usually been attracted to older men, at first I could attribute that to unresolved daddy issues, but after all that was worked out, I basically remained attracted to them because I found them to be better in bed, and they knew what they wanted, and didn't tip toe around. The problem for me though has been that most mature men in their 40s only want to date other men in their 40s, and those who want to date younger men usually have some unresolved issues themselves. Either they feel more powerful, or they came out late in life, I really don't know. But I haven't met any quality MEN lately, for example this one hot daddy I know from meetings flirts heavily with me all the time, at one point he texted me every morning and ever night to wish me a good morning/night. But I found him to be a player, he loved playing games with my head, like making sexual innuendos but never following through, and he would start grabbing on some guys arms, and hands while looking back at me making sure that I was looking at him and his new little friend. Of course it worked at first, I would make my jealous face and then I'd play 20 questions with him about this guy. Finally I grew tired of this bullshit, he may be hot, but he's not THAT hot. It's taken me a while but I've let go of any attraction towards him, or so I thought till last night. So I saw him at a meeting, with someone else who I had a crush on (though this one I had NO CHANCE IN HELL of ever landing) so they are a cutesy little pair now, and that just brought everything out of me. I became jealous, passive aggressive to the nines, I luckily was with my good friend Tim who was in a bit of a funk , so I was gladly distracted by trying to get him out of his head. And I guess that is a tool that I learned from the program, whenever you are too in your head you should always reach out to another addict, and/or friend and it will help get you out of your head.

As for the guy that I was talking a couple of posts ago about, my attraction to him has dissipated. Don't get me wrong I still find him very hot physically, but my actions were brought into light when I was sitting at a meeting the other day, and saw this guy who was 4 or 5 years of sobriety with his hands all over this other guy who has 45 or so days, and it grossed me out to no extent, it was such an appalling sight to see that guy with time sort of taking advantage of this newcomer for his own pleasure. That is when my little light bulb went on and said, you know Gerson, that is exactly what you would be doing with that guy that you like. I will be seeing him tonight at my meeting I'm sure, and I really hope I can keep it in my pants and behave myself and keep my promise to myself, I have told everybody and their mother about whats going on, so hopefully they will all keep me in check if they see me venturing of f the path. We'll see...

Anyway, my video for this week was introduced to me by one of my blogger inspirations, and ex-roommate Joe.My.God, and it is one of my favorite songs of all time, and I dedicate it to my friends Eric and Chad.

I'm obssesive when just the thought of you comes up

Alright, so Wednesday we had a new student join our little band of misfits at night school, and I thought he was yummy! That is putting it mildly actually. Whenever I meet a man I map out our whole relationship in my head. I imagine how our first flirtation will be, then how we will start dating, how our dates are gonna be, who's moving in with whom, are we gonna get a pet together, are we gonna have an open relationship, what our first fight will be like, where will we get married, will we adopt one or two kids, etc.
The school environment facilitated my talking to him since there are only 8 or so of us in the class total, but when I start crushing on guys at meetings for example ,I am a total doofus! It can be weeks, even months till I get the balls to actually introduce myself to the guy, I think the main reason for me to not talk to them for such a long time is that I like to keep the mystery of what the guy is really like, and how he will probably not live up to my head's standards. For example the guy in my class, I found out tonight, is straight...and of course I was disappointed, not because I really thought we had a chance of ever being something, but because I was enjoying the fantasy that my head was creating, it's a lot easier for me to live out my life that way I guess. I would like to change that, and start dating for real. People keep telling me that you shouldn't date in early sobriety, but i'm so antsy just because the last time I was in a relationship, President Bush was still popular, if that tells you anything!! I know, I know...someday my prince will come, but WHEN!? I want him NOW DADDY!