I am beautiful, no matter what they say...

Wow, so after my big self esteem roller coaster journey this weekend, I have had a little something keeping me pretty high. I know you shouldn't solely rely on outside validation for your self esteem, but let me tell you it didn't hurt after all the self deprecation I performed this weekend. So I shared a couple of days ago about the guy I ran into on the bus, who facilitated my last relapse. Anyway, I found him on facebook, and we have been corresponding lightly on there. I asked him out to a movie this weekend, but he is busy working and so we set on next weekend. After we agreed to that, and I headed to school he sent me this sweet note on there, which was a great surprise to me when I got home a couple of hours ago. He wrote “You are a very sweet guy by the way”...sure my head began reeling and it also began asking myself “What is his angle?”, “what does he want from me?”...I mean someone that gorgeous usually doesn't go for a guy like me, is what I keep telling myself over and over. I honestly had to sit myself down, quiet myself up, meditate and think...why is he attracted to me? What could I possibly have that he finds attractive? Maybe the fact that I haven't picked up a needle in almost 10 months, how about the fact that I am taking care of myself by becoming a strong productive member of my community, how about the fact that I have set my mind on something scary, but exciting that will lead to an amazing life/career. Sure I still live at a sober living, sure I may still be a bit over my usual weight, but these are issues that will take care of themselves in good time. I may not be the best catch out there, yet...but I am sure working hard as all hell to make myself into a better man. So even though I am not totally self confident by myself, I am sure getting there.

So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, adieu...

So a little while after I posted my last post something quite big happened, my last possession was taken away. I was sitting in my sober living's living room and I saw a tow truck pull up right next to my 2003 fire engine red Ford Mustang which I called Sylvester (after the fierce and amazing disco diva Sylvester) , and low and behold they took my baby away. It sucks for the obvious reason that my car is now property of the LA DMV till I pay all my tickets off and get my registration paid up. But my car was the last bit of my life that I still had left...my apartment gone, my things in storage, everything had slowly disappeared thanks to my using, my car though undrivable by me (my license in suspended due to my second DUI) was at least still mine, but not anymore. The surprising thing is that I didn't have a panic attack, or freak out, or cry or anything of the sort...instead I had a couple of cigarettes and repeated something I learned in rehab:

Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today, when I am disturbed it is because I find some person, place, thing , or situation some fact of my life as unacceptable to me. I can find no serenity until I accept this person, place, thing, or situation as being the way it is meant to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake.

I repeated that to myself about a million and one times, and all of a sudden all this stress that I was starting to build up just floated away, so I am grateful to this amazing tool that I learned in recovery, otherwise I would try and solve my problem in my old way of finding a needle and some shit to get me fucked up! Thank God I am not THAT guy anymore.

Speaking of being that guy, I also did something quite big today, I went up to this guy who was extremely inappropriate with me after a meeting and told him that I am not someone to be treated in a derogatory sexual way, unless I invite him to do so... Anyway, I had been holding onto this resentment for almost two months now and it felt great to let it out, in a peaceful manner and create boundaries where there had been none before. So YAHY me!

Here's where I stand, here's who I am...love me, but don't tell me who I have to be

Alright, so yesterday I promised I would blog about my audition for the AALA Roundup show, I will get to that in a bit but first let me address my sister. She emailed me a couple of days ago about my post on my best friend being in rehab, and my worries and fears. She asked “how old are you, 12?”, and also “ no one can give you self esteem, because it comes from self”. I am addressing you here because when I started reading the email the other day, I totally closed it and didn't wanna read the rest of it. Today I finally read it, and I know that she is coming from a good place. What she doesn't know is that until about 5 to 6 months ago, a situation like that I would deal with drugs and endless hours of sex (or at least the hunt of it online, or at the baths), I would also be totally overwhelmed by these feelings, and totally devote my life to making my friend's life better and neglect mine. Today, thankfully I don't do that anymore. I know how other friends I can count on, and talk to about my feelings. I have meetings, I have a great therapist, and now I have this blog in which I express all of my feelings whether they be mature ones, or childish ones. I feel like this blog really helps me stay sane and focused. This blog lets me say what I'm feeling, letting it all out, getting it out of my head and hopefully my heart and let it loose its power. That's what this blog does for me, so yeah sometimes I feel like a 12 year old, but I certainly don't act like one anymore (unless it involves musicals, or Madonna, or Robbie Williams, tee hee, OK and sometimes men...),

As for getting self esteem from my self, yes I basically agree with that statement BUT there is a saying “you gotta fake it, till you make it” and thats what I had to do for a while. One of the major reasons I loved my best friend, was because he had self esteem out the ass, and by seeing how he carried himself in day to day life it rubbed off on me, and I was able to apply his principles to my life and therefor finding the positive in me. So my best friend isn't the one who gave me my self esteem, but he helped me get there through example. ANYWHO, onto the audition...

It went really well I think, we did a scene from Two and a Half Men and then I sang Corner of the Sky from Pippin, I got some good feedback. I always feel a little nervous during the acting part, and always feel totally comfortable with myself singing. The dance part was a breeze as well, after which they talked to two of my fellow auditioners and of course my crazy head started working it's crazy magic. Thinking that they talked to them because they were better than me, but I talked myself out of there saying I should be grateful to be part of such an amazing opportunity. I also remembered the fact the director asking me if I could possibly translate a song from English into Spanish, or vice versa. Which I said I could, I hope that it's my solo in the show, tee hee! Anyway that's it!

Quit playing games with my heart!

Men, oh we are such simple yet complicated beings. It amazes me to this day how immature men can be, even when they pass a certain age. I have usually been attracted to older men, at first I could attribute that to unresolved daddy issues, but after all that was worked out, I basically remained attracted to them because I found them to be better in bed, and they knew what they wanted, and didn't tip toe around. The problem for me though has been that most mature men in their 40s only want to date other men in their 40s, and those who want to date younger men usually have some unresolved issues themselves. Either they feel more powerful, or they came out late in life, I really don't know. But I haven't met any quality MEN lately, for example this one hot daddy I know from meetings flirts heavily with me all the time, at one point he texted me every morning and ever night to wish me a good morning/night. But I found him to be a player, he loved playing games with my head, like making sexual innuendos but never following through, and he would start grabbing on some guys arms, and hands while looking back at me making sure that I was looking at him and his new little friend. Of course it worked at first, I would make my jealous face and then I'd play 20 questions with him about this guy. Finally I grew tired of this bullshit, he may be hot, but he's not THAT hot. It's taken me a while but I've let go of any attraction towards him, or so I thought till last night. So I saw him at a meeting, with someone else who I had a crush on (though this one I had NO CHANCE IN HELL of ever landing) so they are a cutesy little pair now, and that just brought everything out of me. I became jealous, passive aggressive to the nines, I luckily was with my good friend Tim who was in a bit of a funk , so I was gladly distracted by trying to get him out of his head. And I guess that is a tool that I learned from the program, whenever you are too in your head you should always reach out to another addict, and/or friend and it will help get you out of your head.

As for the guy that I was talking a couple of posts ago about, my attraction to him has dissipated. Don't get me wrong I still find him very hot physically, but my actions were brought into light when I was sitting at a meeting the other day, and saw this guy who was 4 or 5 years of sobriety with his hands all over this other guy who has 45 or so days, and it grossed me out to no extent, it was such an appalling sight to see that guy with time sort of taking advantage of this newcomer for his own pleasure. That is when my little light bulb went on and said, you know Gerson, that is exactly what you would be doing with that guy that you like. I will be seeing him tonight at my meeting I'm sure, and I really hope I can keep it in my pants and behave myself and keep my promise to myself, I have told everybody and their mother about whats going on, so hopefully they will all keep me in check if they see me venturing of f the path. We'll see...

Anyway, my video for this week was introduced to me by one of my blogger inspirations, and ex-roommate Joe.My.God, and it is one of my favorite songs of all time, and I dedicate it to my friends Eric and Chad.