I'm not gonna take it, NO I ain't gonna take it, I'm not gonna take it...ANYMORE

Oh what a night, I hadn't planned on going to a meeting at my old rehab, much less taking a cake for one year off of meth at it, but seeing my good friend and supporter James there, inspired me to do so, and what a decision THAT turned out to be.

So as all of you know, I have had some drinks in the last year or so, I haven't hidden it, in fact I wasn't caught, I told on myself when I did drink. So I have been very open, and honest about the fact that I have drunk in the last year and week. So, as I was in the kitchen unpacking my cake, I was pulled aside by the secretary of the meeting, who had been approached by a number of people who didn't think I should be allowed to take a cake at this meeting. My inner addict wanted to RUN the fuck out of there, but I was given a tool in this program called contrary action. So I sat my ass down, and let God take it into his hands. After the speakers both shared their experience, strength and hope the meeting came to a screeching halt as we spent 15 minutes debating on whether or not I should take a cake. I was honestly ready to not take a cake, but surprisingly when the vote came up the majority voted for me to take my cake. It was so surreal to me that this was going on, I mean never before had I seen anybody's sobriety being voted on. It was so funny to me that people got to vote on my taking a cake, where I was honest about what I have done in the last year. I know of plenty of people who have taken cakes for years of sobriety and I know for a fact that they have had alcohol, and even meth. I decided to be honest and take my cake because to me it is a huge accomplishment. I am extremely proud of what I have done in this past year, and it surprises me how little it matters to me what other people think of me, and my program. In fact having half the meeting centered around me and MY program, really gave me quite the ego boost, which I need to get back in check because the world does NOT revolve around me. I am truly grateful for what occurred tonight, and it has indeed strengthened my spirit, and my self esteem.

Back in business and ain't it grand? Let the good times roll...

So for the two people who read my blog, you probably noticed I have been quiet for the last week and a half or so, and boy do I have a lot to catch up on! I am writing to you today from my new room in my new sober living. Here is what happened, on Sunday the 16th I made my return to the DJ booth at my own party, Betty Ford Lounge; and it was a bust. Usually we have a crowd of about 150 to 200 people, but this time we had about 40 or so people in attendance. I of course took it personally, blaming myself for it thinking to myself things like “nobody likes you” and “nobody respects you”and “you are a horrible DJ you don't deserve success” so I did, what I rarely do, which is I drank alcoholically. Normally, I drink a couple of drinks to be social and that is it, but after having what I thought was a disastrous afternoon I wanted to drink my troubles away (I hadn't done this for 3 years now, when my best friend died of heart failure) so off I went to the Faultline (one of our local leather bars) and proceeded to drink shot after shot after shot to forget what I was feeling. I had also had a huge blowout with the asshole that was my house parent the day before, and we had gotten our internet taken away from us, so I was SO fucking tired of living at my sober living. So I came home, and I was surprisingly not SUPER drunk, to the degree that I could've just walked into my room, gone to sleep and no one would have been the wiser. My therapist thinks that I subconsciously wanted to get kicked out, and so I then proceeded to talk to half of my housemates, now I am a pretty good actor, but not enough to hide the smell of tequila. I fessed up to my drinking, and proceeded to spend the night at motel to sleep it off.

Next day, my wish is granted and I am kicked out of my sober living, I had obviously not though this through because I instantly became homeless. The first half of the day became a bit scary for me as no one was able to offer me a couch commitment, it wasn't till around 6 or 7 that my dear friend and former housemate Juan said that I could not only spend the night, but could stay with him till a bed opened up at another sober living, which is where I have been for the last week and a half. Today I took the day off from school and proceeded to move into my new sober living, which is AMAZING. I get my own room in the back of the house, I will have a dish network connection in my room, I have internet as you can see, and most importantly I get to keep my kitty with me. People still ask me to this day, why I don't think I am an alcoholic? I tell them this, I can put down a margarita down quite easily, I can NOT put down a needle filled with meth once I have picked it up, at least not till my life doesn't get turned upside down first. Will I ever turn into an alcoholic? Possibly, but not today. I will not be drinking again till I move out of this sober living, which won't be till January or February of next year when I am close to graduation from school.

I am days away from my one year anniversary off meth, which is a big deal for me, my mom and sister are coming into town tomorrow and we are spending a great weekend together enjoying each others company, they will see the man I have become and I hope that I will make them proud. For now I will just get into my jammies and get to bed so that I may wake up early enough for school, and be grateful for the bed and roof I have over me today.

I am beautiful, no matter what they say...

Wow, so after my big self esteem roller coaster journey this weekend, I have had a little something keeping me pretty high. I know you shouldn't solely rely on outside validation for your self esteem, but let me tell you it didn't hurt after all the self deprecation I performed this weekend. So I shared a couple of days ago about the guy I ran into on the bus, who facilitated my last relapse. Anyway, I found him on facebook, and we have been corresponding lightly on there. I asked him out to a movie this weekend, but he is busy working and so we set on next weekend. After we agreed to that, and I headed to school he sent me this sweet note on there, which was a great surprise to me when I got home a couple of hours ago. He wrote “You are a very sweet guy by the way”...sure my head began reeling and it also began asking myself “What is his angle?”, “what does he want from me?”...I mean someone that gorgeous usually doesn't go for a guy like me, is what I keep telling myself over and over. I honestly had to sit myself down, quiet myself up, meditate and think...why is he attracted to me? What could I possibly have that he finds attractive? Maybe the fact that I haven't picked up a needle in almost 10 months, how about the fact that I am taking care of myself by becoming a strong productive member of my community, how about the fact that I have set my mind on something scary, but exciting that will lead to an amazing life/career. Sure I still live at a sober living, sure I may still be a bit over my usual weight, but these are issues that will take care of themselves in good time. I may not be the best catch out there, yet...but I am sure working hard as all hell to make myself into a better man. So even though I am not totally self confident by myself, I am sure getting there.

Memories...from the corners of my mind...tweaky, hazy colored memories...

February 10th, 2008 was a big day for me...26 days earlier I had celebrated my 1 year off of crystal meth...in jail ( I was in there for my second DUI). I of course was very upset at having spent my first ever one year off crystal meth in jail, without my friends around to support me. I had become quite estranged from meetings because people were judging me for still drinking (let's leave that little issue for another day, shall we?) Anyway, here I was a couple of weeks back out in the real world, feeling fat and ugly ( I had gained about 30 pounds over my normal 145 non tweaker weight) I hadn't been validated by a man in a long while and I had decided to go to the Faultline, my favorite leather bar, to drown my sorrows with tequila and dollar beer. On the bus ride over this gorgeous stocky muscle-y hunk of a man kept looking back at me, and I of course right back at him. We both got off at the same stop, and walked into the same bar. I was floored...never had a man so gorgeous looked at me the way this man did. For the next couple of hours we would give each other looks from across the room, and I kept downing beer after beer and shot after shot, trying to build up some liquid courage to go up and start talking to this guy.

5 beers and 3 cuervo shots later I finally went up to him and began flirting heavily with him, I can't really remember how the conversation went, but I do remember his proposal. “Do you wanna go down to Flex ( a bathhouse 3 blocks down, which by the way I had never been to) and party?” Now for those of you who don't know “party” in the gay world is code for doing drugs. I could not have said “yes” any quicker...we stumbled over to Flex, at which I paid for BOTH our entrances, got us a big “fancy” room with a TV, and being both free of drugs, went about a search to find some meth. He succeeded and proceeded to invite me in to hang with this (I guess) cute Asian guy (I say I guess, because I am mostly attracted to white guys, and SOME Latin guys) and off to the races we went. We partied up a bit, and I proceeded to buy some of his stash from him, we got fucked up together in my room and if I recall correctly, he kinda went on his way.

This pattern with this guy continued time and time again, we would see each other at the baths and he would come hang with me in my room share my drugs, find someone to play with us, and then just leave. Cut to 7 months or so after that first day, and I am on my first or second week at rehab. I go to a meeting, and who do I see sitting at a picnic table in front of the meeting room? This guy indeed, he again gave me a flirty look, and my heart melted. We chatted briefly after the meeting, and went on our separate ways ( I had deleted his number from my phone as he was someone I “partied” with) until today.

I am on the bus, coming home from a long exhausting day at school, and who steps onto the bus 4 stops before I have to get off? This lovely guy, we chatted about sobriety, and what was going on with our lives, but then I had to get off the bus to go home. I haven't stopped thinking about him all day, and thanks to Google I found his full name and added him as a friend on Facebook...thoughts of a sober romance have been floating through my mind since I saw him, but as I sat down to write this I suddenly remembered....he was kind of vanilla when we were high...and usually people loose all inhibitions when they get high, so if he was a prude vanilla boy high, I can only imagine what he is like sober. It was a nice little fantasy though, it did help me remember the sort of door mat and people pleaser I was for the last few years, and it is great to see in myself the growth I have made, that I no longer have to compromise who I am as a sober man, as a sexual being, or in any other way. YAHY! Go me!

I want muscles, all over my body!

God it has been a long exhausting week, and I haven't blogged since Tuesday, that's a real shame. I am thinking of probably taking my laptop with me to school so that I can blog, and post them during my lunch break.

I've been having a hard time adjusting to this new full time schedule at school, in fact today I slept right through my alarm and I didn't wake up till 10 ( I had to be there at 815) so I gotta get myself a better alarm and more rest. I have also added a new thing to my schedule, which is going to the gym. For the last couple of months I have been complaining a lot about how fat I feel. I have gone on a diet, and it worked for a while, losing 4 pounds without any exercise, but I decided to get back into the groove of working out. I remember in my first couple of months of sobriety I had been going to the gym religiously and I had even acquired a gym mojo, but then I got really sick and didn't go back when I got better. So I have worked out twice so far, and I have noticed that I don't feel as awkward as I had before. Before when I went to the gym I felt like Emmet from Queer as Folk, all awkward and super gay, but I don't think I care anymore what I look like. I am there for my health and to help get myself a better body I can prance around proudly. I no longer feel like a fragile little queen, I am pushing myself harder and harder and trying not to quit as easily as I would like to. I think of it this way, I kept trudging on and on after 13 days of non stop tweaking, why should I stop because I am a little tired from working out. I am also not feeling like I have to be a big muscle daddy like the men who surround me at the gym ( I go to Gold's in Hollywood, surrounded by porn stars non stop) I am somewhat comfortable in my skin.

Something else that is new for me is this whole cruising thing in the locker room. I am a total spaz when it comes to cruising etiquette at the gym. I don't know what the proper protocol is, I have stared at guys and vice versa but that is about it. I have no clue as to how this cruising thing goes. I am definitely not one to have sex in the locker room itself, which is weird for me because when I was fucked up I would pull my dick out anywhere when I saw someone that I liked, I had no problem with that, but I guess in sobriety that is just not me. Don't get me wrong I would totally do it, if there weren't any repercussions for that behavior, but I gotta figure out how to work this out and go home with someone, because let me tell you it is about fucking time for me to get laid again, I just need some hot sweaty animalistic pig sex NOW!!!! So I will figure this out little by little and see where it goes.

I missed Saturday, although it technically is still Saturday in my head since I haven't gone to bed yet, so my music video choice for today is a song that I fell in love with the second I saw this performance. I used to play this song to myself while I was coming down to make myself think about what the hell I was doing with my life, and I would always end up in tears. I am glad I am not there anymore, but am glad to remember such days so that I never go back there again. Here is Tracy Chapman performing “Change” on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno, who by the way I fucking miss so much already!

...and I felt... nothing...

So I got back from a meeting a couple of hours ago where I had a very surprising event happen, actually a couple of things happened that I am quite surprised about. First of all, there has been this boy I have been totally obsessing over for the last couple of months who was at the rehab that I went to, and since we were both clients we couldn't do anything. So today he moved out of rehab and into another sober living, so for some reason, I honestly don't know where I got the balls to do this, I went up to him after the meeting and asked him out on a date. He said “we can hang out”, and then (I still don't know where I found my balls for this) said “no, I am asking you if you want to go out on a date with me”...and he shook his head.

9 months ago this would have devastated me completely, I would have run home crying, beating myself up, wondering what the hell was wrong with me that this totally broken down man did not want to go out with this fine piece of husband material, but...nothing...I wasn't upset by this at all. I wasn't exactly jumping up and down either, but it totally didn't affect me or my self esteem. I feel like I have made such growth in the last couple of months, first of all I finally had some balls to go up to someone and ask them out on a date, and second of all when I was rejected I didn't fall apart. I am so amazed at these new developments in my life.

Anyway, I am glad that my self esteem didn't take a hit, and to be honest i'm all “he is missing out on some great husband material here...it's HIS loss”, we'll see how long this lasts, hopefully this new attitude will stick.

So divine, WHERE IS MINE!?

Sometimes I wonder if I enjoy beating myself up, or putting myself in situations that I know will hurt my feelings at some point. I just got home about an hour ago in the foulest of moods. The day started out calm enough, I slept in after a long exhausting weekend of super gay sobriety at a certain convention that I didn't know we aren't technically allowed to mention because it's against our traditions...AnywAy...last night, the show I was in Cirque D'Amazed went AMAZING, the audiences LOVED it and said it was the best show at this kind of convention that they had ever seen. The show IS amazing, and truly touching, and very relevant to what we are going through. During the last rehearsal, and the last show I was balling my eyes out, because it hit me that the show is over, and all these amazing friends I have made I will not see again every weekend like I am used to, and that I will no longer have this outlet for doing what I love doing the most, singing and dancing.

So I started out today with that sense of depression of it being over, plus I have these crushes on all these different guys who obviously don't feel the same way I do, they like me as a friend, and confidant, they ask for relationship advice, and tell me all about their problems with the men in their lives, and it hurts me. I will admit that most of my friendships do start with an attraction towards them, and I do what I do best...I make them laugh, and I also usually tell it like it is in every sense, except for the fact that I have an attraction to them, unless it's in my usual passive aggressive roundabout way of doing so with a joke. But all day, friend after friend after friend that I am attracted to keeps trusting in me all their troubles, so that started pilling on one by one. I think the final straw came when I went into the convention's dance tonight, and half of these boys were prancing around half naked go-go dancing, and it just made me feel less than, because of all this sober weight I've put on. I used to go go dance in NYC, and I just don't feel good enough to do it, I also feel so invisible to all these attractive people. I will definitely take these feelings tomorrow with me to the gym, to start my new workout regiment. I know that having a better body won't fix it all, I definitely have to work on my insides a little more. I have to trust in God's plan for me, I'm just not happy with the way his plan is going for me at the moment.

Anyway, I will share with you this bootleg of a song that kinda is how I feel today “Who will love me as I am?” from the Broadway show Side Show!

Get up, stand up; stand up for your rights...

So I have felt like speaking up on something for the last couple of weeks, but I didn't wanna cause a ruckus! I have felt that the two numbers that I am featured in, in the AALA show have been neglected because they aren't complete train wrecks like others are; and there are a couple of things that have been going by the waste side, some of the dancers are sloppy, some of our choreography isn't finished, you know little things like that. I kept waiting for somebody else to bring it up, or for the director to notice and do something about it. So, with two weeks left till the show goes up, and still nothing I decided to finally let the director know how I was feeling. I wrote him that I didn't wanna sound like a diva, but that I have the same goal as he does, for the show to be amazing and flawless, and that I felt because my numbers weren't dancing disasters that they had been neglected, I must have written “please don't hate me” at least 5 times in the whole email (because I am too chicken shit to actually bring it up in person). The director could NOT have been any nicer about it, and I don't know if he was just trying to stroke my ego, or if he was truthful, or who knows, both...but he said “you shine so brightly in those two numbers that even if it all fell apart around you, no one would really notice” he also stated that my degree of professionalism makes his job a lot easier. So I felt very good about myself, and it only makes me want to work harder for the show. So I got my ego stroked, but I also feel like I grew as a person because I was always the quiet one, who never wanted to cause any trouble, and not that I did, but I would have never stood up and expressed my concerns 9 months ago, so yahy for me!

You wanna fuck me like an animal...

Well good luck with that! So last night (Wednesday night) I went to a CMA meeting called Sex & Relationships in sobriety, and me having had my first real date in sobriety last Sunday it has brought up this issue to my head, which I guess has been in there for a while now. I know people look at me and think “oh she's a big ol' bottom”, but in all honest truth I have a huge issue with getting fucked. This issue stems from the fact that I have been raped twice in my life. The first time was 9 or 10 years ago by one of my boyfriends, and then most recently around June or July of last year during my relapse. This issue has come up because when I was high I could give two shits as to who put what where, that is the glory of being a fucked up mess I guess, but now that I am a sober man who is getting to know himself I see it becoming an issue.

I am a huge flirt, and have sexual innuendos coming out the whazoo non stop. This I feel has created this illusion that I am this totally secure sexual being, which I am for the most part, I mean I know what I like to do in bed, and can be pretty vocal about it, but the one part I have been holding back for the most part has been the getting fucked issue, and I am totally unprepared as to how to deal with bringing it up to guys that I like. My fear is that the second I start getting real it may turn guys off, and may stall whatever intimacy was created already. I shared this at last night's meeting and my share was immensely well received. I got applauded for my honesty, and more than one guy came up to me after the meeting and shared their similar experiences with me.

So I have concluded that I will have to learn to work through my issues/insecurities with myself, and possibly discuss them with my therapist and friends who I trust completely. I also feel that I will have to bring the issue up to some degree with whomever I am dating, and if they reject me for it, then it's their loss not mine. I feel like I would be willing to explore that act with someone I can trust, and who I know won't hurry me up and judge me for my issues. If that person is not in my life at the moment, then so be it, God has a plan for me, and I am certainly in no rush to get hitched right now. I am on a journey to get to know myself so that I can love myself fully, as the man I am, and the man that I want to become, one day at a time.

I have confidence in sunshine, I have confidence in rain...

Gee wilikers, I feel so confident right now. I just got out of my session with my shrink a little while ago , and I am sitting at Java Detour in WeHo just wasting time before heading to school, but I had an amazing little break through leaving my shrink's office. There is this guy who has a session right after me, but since I usually left early I never saw him, but two weeks ago I had a whole bunch of shit that I had to get off my chest, anyway that's when we ran into each other and we both totally checked each other out, that felt really good. Today I got all purtied up knowing he would be there, anyway usually when it comes to guys I am attracted to I just giggle like a teenage girl, and just run like the dickens away from the situation, but this time I had worked myself up with the help of my therapist to have the balls to say hi, introduce myself and give the guy my number. Usually my head talks me out of it, but I think the fact that I am doing so well in my life (i.e. school, friends, landing a big role in the AALA show) that I actually followed through with it. I smiled at him , said hi, and gave him my card. He in return said “Hi my name is ________” and I returned the intro. It was a total rush for me to have actually gone through with something like that, I am truly growing as a man. I know that this little instance probably doesn't seem like much to anyone, but it does to me and it totally raised my spirits up and my “go get 'em” chutzpah. Also for once I have not started building our marriage in my head, or given him too much power either. If he calls great, if not I'll live. It has really gotten me on an upswing and in fact it woke me up, to the point that when I sat down to waste time at Java Detour before school, I decided to be productive and seriously start working on getting a job. First I tweaked my resume (tee hee I said tweak) into a more general, and not so salon centered resume, so that I may expand my job search to retail and the such. After which I have been hunting for work on different sites, and signing up for job sites like monster.com ; anyway it has been a great week so far, and what little I had to complain about is really out of my mind for now.

Thats how you know, thats how you know...

WOW, what an amazing fucking day I've had. I got up early to go to our first full on rehearsal for the AALA Roundup show, and I am totally fucking stoked because I got an AMAZING role. I get my own song, and some great stuff to work with during the rest of the show. I will be singing our own version of “That's how you know” from the movie Enchanted. The funny thing is that I bought it yesterday, because I love that movie and that is my favorite song in the whole movie. The basic idea of the show is that it is a twisted circus and we are a huge cast of misfits trying to get sober. So I play this AL-ANON clown who's drunk boyfriend abuses him and uses him and he has to learn how to help his boyfriend and live with him. I have to say that my ego has been satisfied but also the fact that I am in such a huge cast with some amazing sweet people I am truly looking forward to this experience. So hurray for me, more to come...

Who can turn the world on with a smile? Who can take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all seem worth while?

There is some famous dialogue from the movie Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion about who was the Mary and who was the Rhoda, of course referring to the classic Mary Tyler Moore Show, the first couple of times that I saw the movie I got the general jist of it which was that Mary was the pretty one, and Rhoda was the funny sidekick. It wasn't until I started checking out episodes of the show on Hulu that I really began to understand what they meant by it.

After watching a couple of episodes it was plain to see that I was definitely the Rhoda in most of my adult friendships. Not just because I was the funny sidekick but because whenever Mary was in the room, Rhoda always seemed to be ignored, and boy could I identify with that in a major way. I have had two major relationships that totally fit into this situation, that was with my best friend Eric (aka KnuckleCrack) and more recently with my best friend Chad.

You see they are both drop dead gorgeous men, and I will have to admit that with both of them our relationship began with me being totally head over heels in love with them. I wanted the big wedding the 2.5 children and the beautiful house in the Hills and brownstone in NYC, but alas they were never attracted to me in that way. Usually when this happens to me I just move on and go about my life, but something amazing happened with these two gentlemen besides being shining examples of the male species they turned out to be amazing men, that got me completely, and who I got as well.

Our relationships would be amazing one on one or in small groups at someone's house, but the whole Mary/Rhoda thing would rear its ugly head anytime we would go out to a social situation such as a club, or a 12 step meeting. You see, them being these totally hot Adonises they would get all of the attention in the room, and me being the attention whore that I am would get insanely jealous of them. Most attention whores crave attention because they didn't get it as a child but for me that is the total opposite experience, I wasn't the only child but I might as well have been, because my parents were ALWAYS there for me and coddled my every need and want. So with Eric I still hadn't dealt with these issues and I would constantly go home and cry, or use meth because he would get the hot man ALWAYS, but luckily for me I met Chad in rehab, and I got to explore all these different feelings in a safe environment.

I got to go through all these feelings of insecurity while I was in rehab, I spoke about them in group and with my counselors and therapist, and even with Chad himself, and I have grown as a man immensely since then, in fact it was Chad's high self esteem that rubbed off on me to the degree that I began to have total self confidence in my looks, personality and abilities, and for that I am truly thankful.

My song pick for this week is a song that always tugs at my heart when it comes to my great friends, and that is Alanis Morissete's “Everything”! LOVE YA GIRL!