A sad state of affairs, this place could use a little repair...

I could say I am surprised, but then that would be a lie, I get home today from having an amazing evening with some friends to hear that they are canceling the meeting at my rehab, because they “allowed” me to take a cake there. I can understand them going on the record as being against my taking a cake, but to cancel a meeting that a lot of people depend on is just so fucking sad. Some of these people who have positions of “power” in recovery really let those positions get to their heads. I was going to take someone's advice and just stay quiet, and go to my meetings and get what I need from them and thats it, but that would be denying who I really am. People are just so fucking stupid with power sometimes!

I had an amazing session with my therapist today, which really cleared up a lot of things. I told him everything that had gone on this last week, with my controversy and to say he was enraged would be an understatement, this is a man who has 20+ years of sobriety, so it's not like he's someone ignorant to what 12 step programs are about. He likened those who are so angry about my taking a cake to people who wanted to pass Proposition 8, and extremist bible thumpers; who think that their way is THE way the program should be, when there is NOTHING in the 12 steps or traditions that mentions anything along these lines, as a matter of fact there is nothing in any of the books that even mentions celebrations of sobriety milestones. People say that drinking a glass of wine, or beer here and there is still affecting your head from thinking clearly. With that argument we should also be free of cigarettes, coffee, food, sex, should people who overindulge or stuff their feelings in addictive ways be prevented from taking cakes too? “Last week you shared about those 12 anonymous loads you took in a bush so you shouldn't take a cake, because that wasn't sober behavior” could be an argument made under that guise. It is just enraging to me how self important people who have time can be.

I will also repeat something I have said before, would you like me to start putting out lists of people who I KNOW for a fact have had alcohol, and even meth for that matter who have taken cakes for YEARS, when they barely have one under these small minded rules!? I am practicing MY PROGRAM of honesty, maybe the answer is to do what NYC does, not have sobriety milestones celebrations, how would you like THAT!? Then you would take away from all those new comers who have no idea what this lame bullshit debate is all about, people who have one or two days still coming down off of meth who see us bickering over somebody taking a cake!!?? A GOD DAMN CAKE!! You are more than welcome to use me as a cautionary tale if you want after I take a cake, tell them how my program is wrong all you want, but I am secure in the fact that I have not put a needle, pipe, straw, bump full of meth anywhere near me in over a year, and HURRAH for that! I am going to school, and taking care of business! So go ahead and put my program down all you want, I could really give two shits about what you have to say about it.

Imagine this scenario, a newcomer goes to his first meeting EVER, he is tired of getting fucked up on meth, his life has clearly become unmanageable and pathetic because of this horrendous drug he has been putting in his body for years, he doesn't think that alcohol is a problem for him, he hasn't really thought about drinking as an escape from his problems or feelings, he simply likes a glass of wine with dinner or the occasional Cosmo. He comes into a room where he expects love and kindness and help for his meth problem, but people keep yelling at him that he has to do it their way, or ELSE; so this guy doesn't come back into a meeting, and maybe he stays off meth for a bit, but he doesn't have a group of friends who know what he is going through, no one to share with when he craves that meth pipe every night, someone to call with his problems, so he just goes back to getting high over and over again. This should be a program of love and ACCEPTANCE, and it pains me to think that some people may not get the opportunity to make their lives better because somebody disagrees with the way I do MY program.

I'm not gonna take it, NO I ain't gonna take it, I'm not gonna take it...ANYMORE

Oh what a night, I hadn't planned on going to a meeting at my old rehab, much less taking a cake for one year off of meth at it, but seeing my good friend and supporter James there, inspired me to do so, and what a decision THAT turned out to be.

So as all of you know, I have had some drinks in the last year or so, I haven't hidden it, in fact I wasn't caught, I told on myself when I did drink. So I have been very open, and honest about the fact that I have drunk in the last year and week. So, as I was in the kitchen unpacking my cake, I was pulled aside by the secretary of the meeting, who had been approached by a number of people who didn't think I should be allowed to take a cake at this meeting. My inner addict wanted to RUN the fuck out of there, but I was given a tool in this program called contrary action. So I sat my ass down, and let God take it into his hands. After the speakers both shared their experience, strength and hope the meeting came to a screeching halt as we spent 15 minutes debating on whether or not I should take a cake. I was honestly ready to not take a cake, but surprisingly when the vote came up the majority voted for me to take my cake. It was so surreal to me that this was going on, I mean never before had I seen anybody's sobriety being voted on. It was so funny to me that people got to vote on my taking a cake, where I was honest about what I have done in the last year. I know of plenty of people who have taken cakes for years of sobriety and I know for a fact that they have had alcohol, and even meth. I decided to be honest and take my cake because to me it is a huge accomplishment. I am extremely proud of what I have done in this past year, and it surprises me how little it matters to me what other people think of me, and my program. In fact having half the meeting centered around me and MY program, really gave me quite the ego boost, which I need to get back in check because the world does NOT revolve around me. I am truly grateful for what occurred tonight, and it has indeed strengthened my spirit, and my self esteem.