I'm not gonna take it, NO I ain't gonna take it, I'm not gonna take it...ANYMORE

Oh what a night, I hadn't planned on going to a meeting at my old rehab, much less taking a cake for one year off of meth at it, but seeing my good friend and supporter James there, inspired me to do so, and what a decision THAT turned out to be.

So as all of you know, I have had some drinks in the last year or so, I haven't hidden it, in fact I wasn't caught, I told on myself when I did drink. So I have been very open, and honest about the fact that I have drunk in the last year and week. So, as I was in the kitchen unpacking my cake, I was pulled aside by the secretary of the meeting, who had been approached by a number of people who didn't think I should be allowed to take a cake at this meeting. My inner addict wanted to RUN the fuck out of there, but I was given a tool in this program called contrary action. So I sat my ass down, and let God take it into his hands. After the speakers both shared their experience, strength and hope the meeting came to a screeching halt as we spent 15 minutes debating on whether or not I should take a cake. I was honestly ready to not take a cake, but surprisingly when the vote came up the majority voted for me to take my cake. It was so surreal to me that this was going on, I mean never before had I seen anybody's sobriety being voted on. It was so funny to me that people got to vote on my taking a cake, where I was honest about what I have done in the last year. I know of plenty of people who have taken cakes for years of sobriety and I know for a fact that they have had alcohol, and even meth. I decided to be honest and take my cake because to me it is a huge accomplishment. I am extremely proud of what I have done in this past year, and it surprises me how little it matters to me what other people think of me, and my program. In fact having half the meeting centered around me and MY program, really gave me quite the ego boost, which I need to get back in check because the world does NOT revolve around me. I am truly grateful for what occurred tonight, and it has indeed strengthened my spirit, and my self esteem.

I'm free, I am FREE...and freedom tastes of reality!

Wow so it's been a while since I've posted anything on here, and what a crazy week it's been. First of all as you can see my little calculator is back, because it just wasn't sitting right with me to hide my true feelings about my program. I have finally come out to people in my program, and they have been mostly supportive; of course there are the critics as to be expected but I basically said, all I need from you is your love, not your judgement, and that is what I got so far. I have finally just decided to try and let go of other people's opinions of me, but that of course is easier said than done.

My one bit of news though, is that I have landed a job...of sorts. Starting August 9th, I will be doing an externship for my dear friend Paul at the new salon he works at in Silverlake, called Sugar. I will be getting school hours, and credits for whatever procedures I help him to do. I am truly excited about this, because even though I will have one less day of relaxation I will be busy doing what I love to do. I feel so grown up, and can't wait to start making a little bit of extra money.

I have PLENTY of other stuff to write about, but after a long day of doing ALL my laundry because of the god damn bed bugs (my fifth time, but who's counting!?) I really need to get to bed, and rest up for school tomorrow.

Since I didn't get to post a video this weekend, I will post one now. I know some people may think they are tacky, but I love me some good STYX...so here they are with one of their classics "Mr. Roboto"

It's my life...and it's now or never...

Well this has been a tumultuous couple of days for me, a rollercoaster of emotions, if you will. The day after my last blog I began regretting a lot of what I said, and the decision I made of resetting my time. It just has not sat right with my heart to do so. To be honest, the main reason that I did so was to save my friendship with my “best friend” Nick, which by the way it didn't do. Yesterday afternoon he told me that he needed to rethink our friendship and was wanting some space. I am of course torn up about it, and very resentful at not having followed my heart. So this is what I am going to do, I am going to keep my time in CMA meetings, and identify as a newcomer at AA meetings. Some people might think that I will weasel myself out of identifying as a newcomer by not going to AA meetings, but only the opposite is true; other than my secretarial commitment on Saturdays at the CMA meeting I started, I will be going to AA meetings instead, and opening my mind and heart to the fact that I may be an alcoholic, and I will work my 12 steps accordingly. This is what feels right in my heart. I have also stopped beating myself up over the two staff members that lost their jobs after my opening my mouth, firstly because one of them knew what we were doing was wrong, and we still did it anyway, so it is as much his fault as it is mine. Secondly, I was told by the program director that the second staff member left on amicable terms, and was not based on my mistaken drunken statement. I have been told by many people in the program, that I go to meetings not for others, but for myself and that I should follow what is true to my heart. I may not be the most popular person in the rooms, but as long as I am taking care of my sobriety I don't feel like I am endangering others. I am ready to loose more friends, whatever doesn't kill me will only make me stronger, I hope. My feelings are the following, I have many friends who quit doing meth all on their own, and still drink; they have friends, lives, careers, their lives have not stopped functioning because of it, am I 100% sure that I am like them? No, I am not, but that is something that I have been exploring for the last 5 years, and so far I have only done meth once because of alcohol. If I were to give up something because of one bad experience I would not be able to do a lot of things in my life, for example I fucked up my first haircut...if I had stopped because of that then I wouldn't have learned how to pay attention to what I was doing, and I would not have learned that I can be a great hairdresser. So I will keep my promise of not drinking till I am done with my twelve steps, but I will not censor myself to make others love me anymore. I have to be honest with the world, because as they say “it is a program of honesty”...

So the video I am gonna post, is the title of this blog post. Here is Bon Jovi, with “It's My Life”!