A sad state of affairs, this place could use a little repair...

I could say I am surprised, but then that would be a lie, I get home today from having an amazing evening with some friends to hear that they are canceling the meeting at my rehab, because they “allowed” me to take a cake there. I can understand them going on the record as being against my taking a cake, but to cancel a meeting that a lot of people depend on is just so fucking sad. Some of these people who have positions of “power” in recovery really let those positions get to their heads. I was going to take someone's advice and just stay quiet, and go to my meetings and get what I need from them and thats it, but that would be denying who I really am. People are just so fucking stupid with power sometimes!

I had an amazing session with my therapist today, which really cleared up a lot of things. I told him everything that had gone on this last week, with my controversy and to say he was enraged would be an understatement, this is a man who has 20+ years of sobriety, so it's not like he's someone ignorant to what 12 step programs are about. He likened those who are so angry about my taking a cake to people who wanted to pass Proposition 8, and extremist bible thumpers; who think that their way is THE way the program should be, when there is NOTHING in the 12 steps or traditions that mentions anything along these lines, as a matter of fact there is nothing in any of the books that even mentions celebrations of sobriety milestones. People say that drinking a glass of wine, or beer here and there is still affecting your head from thinking clearly. With that argument we should also be free of cigarettes, coffee, food, sex, should people who overindulge or stuff their feelings in addictive ways be prevented from taking cakes too? “Last week you shared about those 12 anonymous loads you took in a bush so you shouldn't take a cake, because that wasn't sober behavior” could be an argument made under that guise. It is just enraging to me how self important people who have time can be.

I will also repeat something I have said before, would you like me to start putting out lists of people who I KNOW for a fact have had alcohol, and even meth for that matter who have taken cakes for YEARS, when they barely have one under these small minded rules!? I am practicing MY PROGRAM of honesty, maybe the answer is to do what NYC does, not have sobriety milestones celebrations, how would you like THAT!? Then you would take away from all those new comers who have no idea what this lame bullshit debate is all about, people who have one or two days still coming down off of meth who see us bickering over somebody taking a cake!!?? A GOD DAMN CAKE!! You are more than welcome to use me as a cautionary tale if you want after I take a cake, tell them how my program is wrong all you want, but I am secure in the fact that I have not put a needle, pipe, straw, bump full of meth anywhere near me in over a year, and HURRAH for that! I am going to school, and taking care of business! So go ahead and put my program down all you want, I could really give two shits about what you have to say about it.

Imagine this scenario, a newcomer goes to his first meeting EVER, he is tired of getting fucked up on meth, his life has clearly become unmanageable and pathetic because of this horrendous drug he has been putting in his body for years, he doesn't think that alcohol is a problem for him, he hasn't really thought about drinking as an escape from his problems or feelings, he simply likes a glass of wine with dinner or the occasional Cosmo. He comes into a room where he expects love and kindness and help for his meth problem, but people keep yelling at him that he has to do it their way, or ELSE; so this guy doesn't come back into a meeting, and maybe he stays off meth for a bit, but he doesn't have a group of friends who know what he is going through, no one to share with when he craves that meth pipe every night, someone to call with his problems, so he just goes back to getting high over and over again. This should be a program of love and ACCEPTANCE, and it pains me to think that some people may not get the opportunity to make their lives better because somebody disagrees with the way I do MY program.

NO, MORE, DRAMA!

So as I said a couple of days ago, there are plenty of things going on in my life that I have to blog about. For one, the drama is non stop at my sober living, the most annoying one is the fact that we sprayed the house for bed bugs, yet again (this is my FIFTH spraying) and we may have another one next Monday, AGAIN, making that number six! I have had ENOUGH of this hell hole, but it's gonna be hard convincing my parents that I am ready to be out of this place, since they worry about my safety. I understand them totally, but I feel like I have proven myself with going to school, and being of service, and now with this new job I feel like I am definitely working a lot harder than I ever have before.

On the drama side of things, I had quite the little incident this last weekend. I was sitting at home, watching TV as usual, and all of a sudden I see one of the rehab employees walk out of his room with a plastic bag that made a clink clink clink kind of sound that somehow rang a bell with me...so as I watched TV, I kept an eye on him through the corner of my eye and watched him as he threw the bag away...in our neighbors trash cans. This made me think, I sat there having the most Murder She Wrote-y inner monologue going on in my head, thinking to myself things like “oh, I bet she's throwing away those liquor bottles she's been drinking in our sober living” and “wouldn't it just be so fucking funny and hypocritical for one of the people that lectured me on my drinking a couple of weeks ago, to have been drinking in the house this whole time?”. So I watched him get ready, and get in his car...and as soon as I was sure he was gone, I Scooby Doo'd my ass over to our neighbor's garbage cans, and pulled out the bag he threw away there...and lo and behold, there they were four empty flasks of vodka! The mystery of the hypocritical alcoholic had been solved! I must admit there was this little part of me (OK big part of me) that really enjoyed catching this bit of hypocrisy right under my own roof. So I did what I was supposed to do, I told the higher ups about what I found, and they apparently called him. He denied it, and when he came home, he sat right next to me and denied it as well, saying “it's not what it looks like”...and I said “it looks like you've been drinking INSIDE a sober living”, and he said no...to which I responded “then why does your breath still smell like liquor?”, to which he responded “I don't have answer for that”...check, and mate! Needles to say he hasn't set foot back in this house, or the office since, who knows where he is? I hope he is somewhere safe, getting help for his problem. Me? I am just hoping and praying that I can convince my family that I am a trust worthy man, that is totally dedicated to his new life free of drugs, and full of devotion to my new passion of haircutting.