I can't eat, I can't sleep anymore...

Alright, one of those is not true...as I sit in front of my laptop with a bowl of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream, I am unable to sleep. I tired my usual “taking care of business” with porn...TWICE, and my other ritual of watching Golden Girls to make me sleepy, neither of which worked. I think I am a little worried to go back to school tomorrow morning.

See what happened was, I have missed a lot of school, and I was put on attendance probation, which meant that if I missed one day of school, or arrived one minute late I would be suspended for three days, and if I missed again after that I might be expelled. I did fine for a week, then I got the flu. They restarted my time when I got back, and I did fine again for the first week, but then I slept right through my alarm on Tuesday. I tried calling in that night (when the administrator would be out) and leaving this lady Nicole a message, but her box was full; so I suspended myself for three days and I go back. I am scared that I might get expelled, and I really don't want this to happen. I was finally getting the swing of hair, I understood the architecture of haircuts, color, and I was getting my groove on when it came to hair creativity. I admit hair isn't my first passion, musical theater still holds that position, but I have learned to love what I do. I am also scared to fail at something yet again, I have had so many signs that make me feel like I am a loser, and I can't finish things, I really don't need another thing telling me that feeling this way is right. I am hoping that I do not get expelled, and I get given another chance, but do you know how many chances I have gotten from this school!? I am scared that the schedule that I am on is wearing me out too much, and I won't be able to make it. This god damn flu kicked my ass, it's bad enough that I have the god damn AIDS, and hepatitis C, but that flu just knocked the wind out of me and I have been so fucking tired, I have cut down on my meetings, and still I am just pooped, I am frightened that not only will I not be able to finish school, but even if I do that I wont be able to function in the real world, with a real job. To quote Ms. Dorothy Gale...”I'm frightened Auntie Em, I'm frightened!!”

The fire's got you down on both knees, and the walls are closing in, but I will break through...

This has truly been an exhausting, and somewhat emotional week for me. It started out last Monday with bed bug extermination attempt number 6 (number 7 is coming tomorrow btw) and my attempt at trying to move out of sober living was nixed by my parents, saying that they were worried by my drinking, and weren't sure if they could trust me out in the real world yet. I dove into a state of depression that I hadn't been in for a long while now, not since I was out there high. I was resorting to old behaviors of not leaving my house, except for “essentials” like cigarettes, food, or a meeting here and there...I missed school, though part of the days I missed were due to my stressed related pink eye, but the thing is I didn't care anymore, I just wanted to be in my own little depressed world watching my TiVo and not thinking about what I was gonna do for another couple of months in this place I so despise at the moment, having to deal with 8 other clashing personalities, no privacy, no complete freedom to come home as I please, or go to certain establishments as I please. Day by day though I have been slowly growing into acceptance of my situation. Just when I thought things could not get worse, my friend Nick and I had a falling out, because basically he critiqued me on my passive aggressiveness and since I felt like he was putting up a mirror to show me my faults, I figured I would put a mirror right back and point out his faults as well; that did not go over very well, and he told me never to contact him again, and I surprisingly felt this sense of relief. I am more than willing to work on my faults but I need someone who sees who I truly am, and loves me with those faults and wants to help me grow as a man, he was obviously not that type of friend. I wish him the best in his life, and as much as I would like to blog about all the things he is doing to fuck up his life, I won't go into details because it's not really my business to put his shit out there, I am better than that.

This week did end with some glimmers of hope for me though, yesterday I got a text from my friend and hairdresser Paul, asking me if I wanted to start my externship today, instead of on August 9th, to which I replied a resounding “YES!” , so today I went to the salon I will be working at now called Sugar in silverlake, and had a pretty good first day of assisting, it wasn't extremely difficult, but it wasn't a breeze either, and to cap the whole day off I got a nice visit from my sister who was visiting from Vegas, she came to pick me up along with her husband at work, and we had a nice talk at my sober living, reassuring me that if I keep doing what I am doing now (school, work, meetings, etc) that she doesn't see why in a couple of months my father won't finally see how I have grown, and how responsible I can be, and I can grow out of that immature, temper tantrum throwing boy that he's know for the last 29 years, I know that I have grown, and that I defiantly have to prove myself to him, and to show him that I can be a man and accept situations as they are and just learn to grow from them, so I shall try and show him.

So today I wanna share something that totally brings back memories of some of the few fun times I had back in PR, which was seeing my sister's choreography for fabulous drag queens and she did her take of the Kiss of the Spider-woman story with this amazing Grace Jones cover of a Rita Hayworth song “Amado Mio” so here is the FIERCE Ms. Jones performing it live in some foreign show!

I want muscles, all over my body!

God it has been a long exhausting week, and I haven't blogged since Tuesday, that's a real shame. I am thinking of probably taking my laptop with me to school so that I can blog, and post them during my lunch break.

I've been having a hard time adjusting to this new full time schedule at school, in fact today I slept right through my alarm and I didn't wake up till 10 ( I had to be there at 815) so I gotta get myself a better alarm and more rest. I have also added a new thing to my schedule, which is going to the gym. For the last couple of months I have been complaining a lot about how fat I feel. I have gone on a diet, and it worked for a while, losing 4 pounds without any exercise, but I decided to get back into the groove of working out. I remember in my first couple of months of sobriety I had been going to the gym religiously and I had even acquired a gym mojo, but then I got really sick and didn't go back when I got better. So I have worked out twice so far, and I have noticed that I don't feel as awkward as I had before. Before when I went to the gym I felt like Emmet from Queer as Folk, all awkward and super gay, but I don't think I care anymore what I look like. I am there for my health and to help get myself a better body I can prance around proudly. I no longer feel like a fragile little queen, I am pushing myself harder and harder and trying not to quit as easily as I would like to. I think of it this way, I kept trudging on and on after 13 days of non stop tweaking, why should I stop because I am a little tired from working out. I am also not feeling like I have to be a big muscle daddy like the men who surround me at the gym ( I go to Gold's in Hollywood, surrounded by porn stars non stop) I am somewhat comfortable in my skin.

Something else that is new for me is this whole cruising thing in the locker room. I am a total spaz when it comes to cruising etiquette at the gym. I don't know what the proper protocol is, I have stared at guys and vice versa but that is about it. I have no clue as to how this cruising thing goes. I am definitely not one to have sex in the locker room itself, which is weird for me because when I was fucked up I would pull my dick out anywhere when I saw someone that I liked, I had no problem with that, but I guess in sobriety that is just not me. Don't get me wrong I would totally do it, if there weren't any repercussions for that behavior, but I gotta figure out how to work this out and go home with someone, because let me tell you it is about fucking time for me to get laid again, I just need some hot sweaty animalistic pig sex NOW!!!! So I will figure this out little by little and see where it goes.

I missed Saturday, although it technically is still Saturday in my head since I haven't gone to bed yet, so my music video choice for today is a song that I fell in love with the second I saw this performance. I used to play this song to myself while I was coming down to make myself think about what the hell I was doing with my life, and I would always end up in tears. I am glad I am not there anymore, but am glad to remember such days so that I never go back there again. Here is Tracy Chapman performing “Change” on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno, who by the way I fucking miss so much already!

Just breathe...

So I have been resting at home for the last couple of days thanks to a little gift I got called pink eye, and boy I could not be any happier! For once I have an honest to God good reason for not doing anything, and just resting my tired ass. At first I thought, how the hell could I have gotten pink eye...and then I spoke to both my doctor and my father who is a doctor, other than getting it from someone else who has it, you can also get it from stress, and sure it may be silly “white people problems” that I am stressed out about, but I am stressed out nonetheless, so I have decided to take a three week break from school, I haven't gotten the OK from them yet, but I am pretty sure that I will get the OK from them. I mean my stresses in my life are school, meetings, the AALA show, doing my chores at home, choreographing for my friend Tim's show,getting my party Betty Ford Lounge organized and none of those are life or death, but they are still all piled up one on top of the other.

I am definitely NOT quitting school under any circumstance, I have finally gotten my mojo for cutting hair, and I no longer lack self confidence in my abilities, I just feel like I could be a lot more focused on the things I have going on in my life if I took these next three weeks off; after which I will be done with the show and I will start my new full time schedule at school. I am hoping that I can take these next couple of weeks to immerse myself in the show, and in taking care of myself, and most importantly giving myself some breathing room so that when I do start this new schedule I will go at it full force, and not be so stressed from not having any breaks that I will regret doing it. I think it is the best thing for me to do. Anyway, I guess I will find out tomorrow when I speak to the woman at school who decides all these things. Wish me luck!

When I get a brand new hairdo, with my eyelashes all in curls...

Alright so what a great day I had today, from start to finish. I started my day off with the weekly house process group, which went VERY well with the head of the rehab running it alone. It was nice because we usually see him in this position where we are afraid to approach him but today we saw a different side of him, one of compassion and inspiration, it was a great beginning.

I went on to get my hair did, and I tell ya I love what a new hairdo can do for your self esteem, adding that jump in your step, I did it at my friend Paul's salon, who's been doing my hair for almost 8 years now, we both moved to LA around the same time and have quite the history together. We always have a blast, because I usually come in with some crazy idea for my hair, or just tell him to go wild. Today, was one such day, and so he buzzed off most of my head and left me a cute little bang in the front to work with. I totally love it, and I am so fucking grateful for him because he is the inspiration behind my newfound career path. Speaking of which, today I had my first guest. I am lucky that the cut that she wanted was the same one I have been practicing for the last week or so. It was a bit stressful because I had moments where I was doubting my skills, and I was also being taught by this new teacher who has a different way of doing things, and I am trying to get my head to take in all this new information and at the same time keep the information I got stored in my head...anyway, it took me all of three fucking hours to do the same haircut I did yesterday on a doll head in an hour and a half. GRRRRRRRRRRR, but the lovely girl was quite sweet and patient with me, so bless her heart for grinning and bearing through it. In the end though it came out pretty nice, I definitely have the skill now all I need is to get more self confidence, which I think will help in being a lot faster, baby steps, baby steps...anyway I made it through the day, and everyone was happy with the results, so THERE. Anyway, I am off to bed since I got rehearsal all day today.

Anyway so my video for the week is one of my favorite ballads of all time, I just love this bitch, and I used to love her on KIDS Incorporated...along with Fergie, looks like THEY made it, out of KIDS INCORPORAAAAAATED! Here is the FIERCE Martika, with Toy Soldiers!

Learn to say goodbye, I yearn to say goodbye

Damn this has been one long emotional day for me. I was woken up by a text from one of my housemates telling me that he has decided to move back to Palm Springs because of all this shit that is going on at our sober living. This is a dangerous move for him, as most of his using was out there and he has mostly friends who are still tweaking and not good influences on him. His leaving reminded me that last night I had heard through the grape vine that my best friend decided to pull yet another geographical (12 step term for moving because you think THAT will cure your addiction) to Texas. So my “best friend” and one of my housemates who was one of my closest friends in the house left me abruptly (I know they didn't leave ME, but this is how my heart feels, since I do have abandonment issues). So all day I just kinda laid in bed, watching TV not wanting to deal with any of these emotions.

The clock tells me it's time to head to school, and today was the first day that I was supposed to go on the floor. I am completely terrified, because I don't feel like I am ready to cut real people's hair. As those of you who have been reading my blog know, I did my first haircut on Friday, and I fucked up half way into it. I was lucky enough to have a friend who understands where I am coming from and worked with the mistake, but I started to think, while on the bus ride to school, that I will most likely not have such understanding costumers. The last night class that graduated before me onto the floor had a whole week of practicing in the classroom, I had a day and a half. I felt so unprepared so less than, like I didn't belong on the floor yet. So I got off the bus, had dinner and turned back around to go home to make in time for a meeting.

I was in dire need of a meeting because all these emotions were getting the best of me. So I totally let it all out at the meeting and felt a great sense of relief to have let everyone in on what I was going through. It also felt great to get some amazing feedback from other hairdressers in the program who told me not to freak out, that I was in school to learn, not to be an amazing hairdresser off the bat. That indeed helped me immensely. So as I go to bed with still a sense of uncertainty as to what is going to happen tomorrow with all of us at sober living, and me at school, but at least I have done so without picking up that needle to deal with my emotions, and for that I am grateful.

Face, face, face I give face, beauty, face...

Wow, what a week I have had. As I mentioned before this was my week of finals at school, before I head to the floor to take on real clients. It has been a rollercoaster week for me, emotionally. You see along with doing a final haircut on a model, we also have to do these things called benchmarks, where they time you on how long it takes you to do certain things. Such as a long layers haircut, a perm set, and a full head highlight foil. The last class that went to the floor had a whole week of preparing before doing these benchmarks, they barely gave us one day to practice before our benchmarks because there is a big ol transition going on at school, so we get the shitty end of the stick! So Wednesday night we had our highlight benchmark and we started an hour later than planned, and therefor I wasn't able to finish before class was over. I totally beat myself up all night and the following day. I thought to myself I had no business being a hairstylist and that I would never amount to anything. The next day I spent all day looking over my notes for our next procedure, the perm set. That totally helped me out, and I did it in one hour and twenty five minutes (we were alloted two and a half hours for this) so I felt really good about myself. My self esteem had been restored back to it's normal level.

Cut to today, the day where we perform a haircut of our choice on a live model (benchmarks are performed on doll heads) I had looked over my notes, and I also went over a video I took of the DVD instructing us how to do the cut my roommate and I had come to an agreement on doing. So all the way to school I watched the videos on my Zune, and went over all the sectioning and stuff that I had to do. I get on the floor, and start performing the cut. I start out slow, but good, my confidence is at a moderate level and my nerves are leveled out as well. I finish her right side, and it looks flawless if I do say so myself, but the second I put down the last strand of hair on her left side, I stare at her and begin to panic. I forgot to take into account that I am right handed, and therefor when I move to do her left side I must angle my fingers in a different way so that they match the other side. So instead of her left side mirroring her right side, I have created an asymmetrical do (aka the Posh Spice). I immediately begin to panic, I get very anxious, sweat profusely and my eyes begin to swell up because of this (I think) HUGE faux pas I have created! Immediately, my model/roommate/friend turns to me and tells me to calm down, that I have not done something that can not be corrected. I compose myself, say the serenity prayer a gazillion times and begin to create a new strategy with my instructor. So we calmly looked her over, and he helped me in getting my shit together enough to make her hair look its best. So in the end I am grateful that I have this amazing understanding friend who was able to pull me out of my neurosis and bring me back to earth to finish a fabulous new do, if I do say so myself. So in the end it all worked out fabulously! I am done with hell week, and will start taking on clients on Wednesday of next week. That is a total different mind fuck, but if I can get through this mistake, I know I can get through anything. Below is the result of my first full on haircut on a real live girl! AND WHAT!?



Since I will be out all day today at rehearsal I figured I would post my video for the week. Since the title of this post refers to Ms. Bebe's rap in RuPaul's Cover Girl (Put the Bass in Your Walk) I have decided to put up one of my favorite videos of her, her duet with Elton John covering his original Kiki Dee duet “Don't Go Breaking My Heart”...and I just fucking LOVE when she does the Cher bit in this! WHOA Chastity!

I get wings to fly, God knows I'm alive!

Wow have I been crazy or what? It is Wednesday morning, it is hump day and I can't wait for the weekend to be here for two reasons: I will have finished my hell week at school, and rehearsal's would be here!

School is going pretty good, I am very excited because this is my week of finals before I head to the floor and start taking customers. This is very scary for me, cause they are not like friends who don't mind a nick here or there, and are getting a free service. These are paying customers who have a very clear idea of what they want, God knows I wouldn't wish myself on myself, as I am one tough customer when it comes to hair. I got a 91 on my written test, now I only have my practical test on Friday on my live model, where I get to perform a haircut on her. My lovely roommate has been gracious enough to volunteer herself to be my first guinea pig. A lot of my insecurities are coming out this week and I am extra sensitive when it comes to my abilities, I am trying to work through them and I am sure that with the help of my friends, teachers and especially my higher power I will do a great job on her, and whoever comes in through the doors of our salon.

As for rehearsal's they are going AMAZING, Sunday we did two amazing things! First we met with a cheerleading instructor who helped us in learning some stunts for the finale, this totally took me back to high school when I was the co-captain of our cheerleading squad, the one little caveat to the whole thing was that my base partner (the other guy lifting the acrobat with me) is a little taller than me, and they might have to replace me because I can't seem to get his legs even, and if I end up doing another smaller stunt I know my ego would be a bit hurt by it. If that does happen I do have my big number to stroke it back up, as that is the second thing we did that day. We staged my number from beginning to end and I couldn't be happier. This character reflects me in so many different ways it's not funny. First of he smiles and sings through a whole bunch of tough situations, which I totally identify with, as I was always taught to put on a brave front, and not show your true feelings out to others as much as you can. And finally there is a line in my song, where I am supposed to happily say “Bring me a disease that he got from his ho, oh” and the reason I identify with that so much is because the reason I zero converted was because my boyfriend at the time would not have sex with me and/or date me seriously until I was HIV positive too, so I am trying to incorporate all of this into this lovely cheery number of mine.

So at the end of the day I am still tired as all hell, but my life could not be better, so I am definitely immensely grateful.

Smoke! Smoke! Sign of the devil!Sign of the devil!City on fire!

Well sober living on fire to be exact, so I have been quiet for the last couple of days because my sober living was set on fire for the second time on Wednesday, well Thursday morning to be exact, at 3. And to top it all off we had to be up early the next day to have an 9am meeting to get ready to pack the house and move out for two days while they did yet another bed bug fumigation and they also had to shellac the whole place to make sure no bed bugs creep out of the floor like they were in Michael Jackson's Thriller video. So I spent the last couple of nights at my friend Tim's apartment...anyway it has been a very stressful couple of days, and to top THAT all of, we have been working so hard in school that they are moving our testing week up, and this coming week is our week of finals before we go onto the floor and take costumers. I am excited but scared as all hell, so any waking moment that I have free I will spend studying. Anyway I am tired as all hell, and I have to get ready for rehearsal!

Anyway my song for today, is my anthem I think, and it is by one of my favorite artists in the world...here you go with Robbie Williams: Come Undone!

Gimme a head with hair, long beautiful hair...

So as I mentioned a couple of days ago I have finally gotten my hair stylist mojo. You see I felt like I was at a disadvantage when I started hair school, I didn't grow up doing my friends hair (like most girls in class) and I didn't have my passion for hair growing up, I had (and still have) a musical theater bug. I knew what a couple of things were because I love getting my hair done and my ex was a hairdresser.

The first month and a half of school I felt like a total retard, I couldn't get the jist of any of the procedures and nothing was sinking in, for a while I felt like maybe I had made a mistake in choosing this as my field of work, but then a couple of weeks ago we started studying men's haircutting. Suddenly, everything clicked with me, I found my own way of taking in the information and executing it. I suddenly became really good at it, I was finishing my haircuts before everyone else in class, even those who had been there since August (I started in December), and I wasn't cutting corners, or doing a lousy job, I was doing the haircut we were supposed to with the desired outcome.

From that day on my self esteem as far as hair styling is concerned has been growing exponentially and I have total confidence that slowly but surely I will master all haircuts presented to me and that I will make a great hairdresser some day.