MMMMMmmmmm my baby's got a secret, MMMMMMmmmmmm...

So I just found out that one of my closest friends relapsed last week, but he has been telling me that he didn't, I don't want to bring it up to him because I don't want to push him away, but I also feel like as a friend I deserve his honesty. Then again when I was out there using the last thing I was with any of my friends or family was honest, so I understand where he is coming from. As you can see I am torn about what to do, it's not like it's my first time dealing with this...a couple of months ago my best friend at the time was doing the same thing, and it took me hinting and hinting towards it, and finally asking him “would you tell me if you relapsed?” when he finally said yes, but our friendship was a lot stronger, and longer...this one is still fresh, and I don't feel like he can trust me, or maybe he's not ready, I dont know I am kinda flustered as to what to do, all I know is that I will try and not let it get the best of me, I will worry some, and definitely pray for him, but that's all I can do.

Blame it on the a a a a a alcohol!

So as you might have noticed, my sobriety counter has disappeared off my page. Let me get something clear, I did NOT put meth or any other hard drug in my body, but I did drink...ALOT! I need to come clean about something, last night was NOT the first time that I drank...my first drink was on my natal birthday, where I celebrated with a margarita at Disneyland, I have had some glasses of wine with dinner and have had a couple of cocktails here and there, but last night I overindulged myself. I saw that I wasn't gonna make it to curfew so I told my houseparent what I did, and he came to pick me up. For one night of drinking I did alot of wrecking, and not just to myself. I lost my time, cost two people their jobs, and I feel like I may be loosing one my closest friends because of it. Those last two are the ones that are wrecking me the most, I changed two peoples lives with one stupid night of drinking, and a big mouth. I love these two men with all my heart and it kills me to no end that my stupidity hurt others. And then there's Nick, my best friend...when I saw him today, I could tell that his energy towards me has changed. He told me that he was scared and worried for me, and that it also worries him how much wreckage I caused that affected others, and that he's scared that I could do the same to him. I went to a meeting tonight, where the speaker shared a similar story about himself, which truly touched me and started to make me think, because originally I hadn't planned on reseting my time because I don't think of myself as an alcoholic! But what he said truly moved me, and then I was talking to one of the guys from the rehab I went to, sharing my fear of losing friends in the program if I didn't reset my time, and how adamant I was about doing it. He said something very wise to me, that truly got to me...he asked me "would you rather loose your friends, or a number?" THAT is what got me, because as embarassing as it will be to stand up as a newcomer for the next 28 days, I will hopefuly still have my friends there for me. So as I get ready to hit the sack at my friend Tim's place, I hope that my brain will catch up to my heart and understand that I may be an alcoholic, and I could possibly not drink ever again. Though to be totally honest, this is my plan. I will for sure not drink while I am living at a sober living, and secondly I will not drink till I am done working the 12 steps of the program, afterwhich I will reconsider the whole drinking issue. The speaker said that after he worked the 12 steps, he was assured that he was also an alcoholic, and that he was forever changed. So I guess i'll wait for the miracle to happen.

Memories...from the corners of my mind...tweaky, hazy colored memories...

February 10th, 2008 was a big day for me...26 days earlier I had celebrated my 1 year off of crystal meth...in jail ( I was in there for my second DUI). I of course was very upset at having spent my first ever one year off crystal meth in jail, without my friends around to support me. I had become quite estranged from meetings because people were judging me for still drinking (let's leave that little issue for another day, shall we?) Anyway, here I was a couple of weeks back out in the real world, feeling fat and ugly ( I had gained about 30 pounds over my normal 145 non tweaker weight) I hadn't been validated by a man in a long while and I had decided to go to the Faultline, my favorite leather bar, to drown my sorrows with tequila and dollar beer. On the bus ride over this gorgeous stocky muscle-y hunk of a man kept looking back at me, and I of course right back at him. We both got off at the same stop, and walked into the same bar. I was floored...never had a man so gorgeous looked at me the way this man did. For the next couple of hours we would give each other looks from across the room, and I kept downing beer after beer and shot after shot, trying to build up some liquid courage to go up and start talking to this guy.

5 beers and 3 cuervo shots later I finally went up to him and began flirting heavily with him, I can't really remember how the conversation went, but I do remember his proposal. “Do you wanna go down to Flex ( a bathhouse 3 blocks down, which by the way I had never been to) and party?” Now for those of you who don't know “party” in the gay world is code for doing drugs. I could not have said “yes” any quicker...we stumbled over to Flex, at which I paid for BOTH our entrances, got us a big “fancy” room with a TV, and being both free of drugs, went about a search to find some meth. He succeeded and proceeded to invite me in to hang with this (I guess) cute Asian guy (I say I guess, because I am mostly attracted to white guys, and SOME Latin guys) and off to the races we went. We partied up a bit, and I proceeded to buy some of his stash from him, we got fucked up together in my room and if I recall correctly, he kinda went on his way.

This pattern with this guy continued time and time again, we would see each other at the baths and he would come hang with me in my room share my drugs, find someone to play with us, and then just leave. Cut to 7 months or so after that first day, and I am on my first or second week at rehab. I go to a meeting, and who do I see sitting at a picnic table in front of the meeting room? This guy indeed, he again gave me a flirty look, and my heart melted. We chatted briefly after the meeting, and went on our separate ways ( I had deleted his number from my phone as he was someone I “partied” with) until today.

I am on the bus, coming home from a long exhausting day at school, and who steps onto the bus 4 stops before I have to get off? This lovely guy, we chatted about sobriety, and what was going on with our lives, but then I had to get off the bus to go home. I haven't stopped thinking about him all day, and thanks to Google I found his full name and added him as a friend on Facebook...thoughts of a sober romance have been floating through my mind since I saw him, but as I sat down to write this I suddenly remembered....he was kind of vanilla when we were high...and usually people loose all inhibitions when they get high, so if he was a prude vanilla boy high, I can only imagine what he is like sober. It was a nice little fantasy though, it did help me remember the sort of door mat and people pleaser I was for the last few years, and it is great to see in myself the growth I have made, that I no longer have to compromise who I am as a sober man, as a sexual being, or in any other way. YAHY! Go me!

Your all alone, and so peaceful until...

I had quite the trying afternoon/evening...I was in WeHo picking up my meds from my pharmacy and I decided to meet up with a good friend of mine who relapsed last weekend. I figured I would be OK since he had told me he had been back to some meetings. We met up at Starbucks for some coffee and sat down to chat for a bit. I love him to death, so I wanted to be there for him in what I thought was his time of need.

The first thing I noticed were the track marks in the creases of his arms, just staring at me, enticing me in that dark evil way things of that nature do. He didn't look bad at all, which was the first thing I sort of grabbed onto in my head. Like “oh, he got fucked up and he doesn't look bad at all...” I asked how he was doing, and the usual questions returnees get “why'd you do it?” .“was it worth it?”, “how bad did it get?” etc. And he proceeded to go on and on about how fabulous it was. How the guy he hooked up with was someone he met on craigslist, and some drop dead gorgeous porn star. How he proceeded to join him in the bedroom after the guy exclaimed “wow, you've got some nice veins...” He got shut up with meth and heroin (this was a guy who just took a cake for 2 years, and who also by the way I used to use with a couple of years ago) and then had some hot nasty sex with the guy, and they even hired an escort to share. As he went on regaling me with his story, I felt myself get aroused. My head was telling me to make him stop, but I guess the disease in me won over, cause I just let him go on and on about how fabulous it was. I tried to get a good answer to “tell me the bad stuff, and why you decided to come back to the rooms?” but he gave no good answer, so I was not able to close the book on my fantasies.

I have constant memories about hanging out with the dealer, and walking up to some new tricks' place and discovering the evil twisted nasty things we would have in common. I wish there was a switch I could just hit to turn these thoughts off. I made up some excuse that I had to get back home to make dinner, which was untrue, I just needed to get out of there as quickly as possible because I found myself staying aroused and fantasizing about a relapse. I thank God that I am in the situation that I am in, living in a sober living, where I am held accountable and where everyone would immediately know I have relapsed. That there is nowhere for me to go if I relapse, my family would disown me, I wouldn't have anyone to stay with, and no money of my own to live off of.

I have been talking to friends, sharing at meetings, anything to try and just get those thoughts out of my system, I hope this overwhelming feeling dies down soon enough, because it really is taking over my head and I don't wanna go back there.

As real as it may seem...it was only in my dreams...

So I have no shame in saying that I relapsed last night...in my dreams...it's been a LONG while since I had a using dream, and it feels weird. The weird part is that I didn't feel remorse in my dream, I thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it, but when I woke up I did breath a sigh of relief knowing where I was, and that I was safe, right next to my kitty. I have no desire to relapse on meth, a drink still sounds terrific to me, and if I weren't living in a sober living I would TOTALLY have a glass of wine with dinner, or a beer at a bar. Lots of people in the program look down on that, and I understand where they are coming from, I know that alcohol can lead to drugs. It did twice for me, once being the first time I did crystal meth and the second time being the last relapse I had, but I feel that it was actually alcohol paired with a low self esteem that drove me back to meth. Also, alcohol hasn't exactly been my greatest friend, I do have two DUI s, but anyway who knows!? Am I an alcoholic? Maybe, maybe not...but that is not something I am going to be testing anytime soon...for now I shall enjoy using in my dreams only, and leave it at that.

It's so hard to say goodbye, to yesterday...

I had a very sad night last night, yesterday I had found out that my best friend was seen at a meeting in town (he usually lives in Palm Springs) I had finally badgered him into picking me up after my usual 6 o'clock meeting, which he did. I was looking forward to it all day, so when he picked me up we drove around for a while and sat down for a couple of drinks (non alcoholic of course), first of all he was skinny as all hell and looked like shit, don't get me wrong he looked good for a drug addict, but it wasn't the same best friend that I totally fell head over heels for almost 6 months ago. He wasn't laughing as much as he had before, and was just not all there. He proceeded to inform me that the only reason he was in town was because last night he drove in from Palm Springs to go to the Hollywood Spa (a popular bathhouse here in town) and that after being there for 16 hours he went to a coffee shop to send out resumes (read: go online to get some more dick) this coffee shop is close to this place called the Log Cabin, where a lot of the popular West Hollywood 12 step meetings occur. He was sitting at his computer, “sending out resumes” and kept seeing people from the program he took that as a God shot telling him to go to a meeting. Anyway halfway through our little rendezvous he started getting texts one after the other one, and then he started looking at his watch. He finally said that he had to go, because the guy who's couch he was crashing on (though earlier on in the night he had told me he was going home after our little meeting) had to go to bed early (read : I need to get high and fucked again)...as we were heading back to the car, I jokingly said “if your in THAT big of a hurry you can just drop me off at a 711 a couple of blocks away and then I could walk the rest of the way home (which in reality wasn't that big of a walk, but seeing as he was in a hurry to get rid of me to get high, I was truly hurt) anyway he begrudgingly drove me home. As he parked next to my house, I grabbed his face made him stare into my eyes, and told him I loved him, and that I would be there for him whenever he needed me, he did NOT want to hear/see me. I walked out a broken man, I proceeded to call my friends who were very supportive and loving, they did what they needed to do...listen to me. It was very healing for me to be heard, and to let my emotions out! It was also brought to my attention that I probably did the exact same thing when I was high, which is so true. My friends, family, work were the last thing on my mind when I was getting fucked up, so I guess it was a taste of my own medicine, and let me tell you I didn't enjoy it very much. So I wrote him a long email letting him know that I could not see him in that condition anymore, that it hurt me to see him that way, and that it hurt to be less important than some stranger with drugs and cock. Anyway it has been quite cathartic to write this, and I am feeling a lot better.

Have you ever been low? Have you ever had a friend who let you down so?

In working the 12 steps, the first one is to admit I am powerless over crystal meth. I have done so with no problem whatsoever, that is a total given, the hard thing for me to do is to realize that I am powerless over my friends' actions. I find my self in a couple of situations where I want to tell people what to do, or rescue them, but it just wouldn't be right for me to do so.

First one is with one of my friends, he is truly somebody really close to me, I love him to death, but the god damn disease of addiction has overrun him again. He sees no light at the end of the tunnel, he wants to quit, but he doesn't feel like he can. I can totally identify deeply with his struggle, I have been in his position many times, and it was only for the grace of God that I was able to get back. I want to just slap him upside the head and get some sense back into him, but alas that would not be a safe place for me, as I might be tempted when I see him all fucked up. So I have to just let it go, and pray that he gets back here sooner rather than later and in somewhat healthy conditions.

The second situation is one of my other closest friends (I sure know how to pick 'em) he relapsed a couple of weeks ago with his boyfriend, luckily it only lasted for a couple of days and not months or years like me. After one day of tweeking his insanity came right back, everyone around him saw this. So thanks to his little run he has a clearer picture of what he wants to do with his life (i.e. stay sober, focus on work, getting some stable friendships) the sad part is that his boyfriend is a functioning tweeker, there is hardly any psychosis and he can go about regular menial things with no problem, so he has decided to keep tweeking. At first he tried to hide this, explaining that he forgot to let his boyfriend know where he was at ( for 12 hours), and that even though he was at his dealer's house he was not using, he was merely helping him paint. The poor sap believed him at first, but when he did this a second time he had told me that he couldn't believe that he could've fallen for that crap. To make all of this even better, their roommate has also relapsed and has proceeded to go extremely crazy. My poor friend didn't know what to do. His friends and loved ones told him to get out of there immediately, to stay with sober friends until he can figure out what to do next. This was the plan we had concocted before I went to school yesterday, but then I called him after school to see if he wanted me to stop by and visit for some cheering up, and his boyfriend was there, and it seemed like business as usual “ no no, he's fine, we're fine, I'm good thanks...”

Yes I know that none of this is ANY of my business, but I do care for these two men so much, they have so much potential in them to be great contributing members of society, and the rescuer in me wants to get in there and fix it all, but my priorities are different now. I have to take care of myself and my sobriety first and foremost. So I decided to merely vent my frustrations out on here hoping that it may lift any anxiety I may have stemming from this.

I hate you so much right now, I hate you so much right now, AHHHH!

OK, so I was all ready to blog about some new hottie at a meeting, but unfortunately I got a text from one of my housemates telling me that he had relapsed. I immediately let out the most unappealing yelp you could imagine, which surprised the hell out of another one of my housemates, who was busy facebooking.

My friend who relapsed was someone I love very much, we were sisters in this newly found sober life. The sad thing though, is that even though I am upset, and disappointed ,it is not overwhelming me. It's sad but a lot of my friends who I got close to in this sobriety have gone out, most of them thank God have come back, but some of them are still out there. So that is why I'm so fucking angry at this fucking disease/drug! That is who I hate so much right now, the drug, the disease that told my friend that he could go out once more, and that it would be fun. That shit ain't fun, it ain't cute no more. Not for us, we are addicts through and through, no doubt about it. One thing that makes me proud though, is that my friend was able to let me know what was going on, and was able to man up and face whatever music is coming his way. Because, if it was me I would still be out there, getting more and more fucked up. Performing all kinds of demoralizing acts to get more and more fucked up. The shortest amount of time that my relapse has lasted was this last time, 8 months. When I go out, I fucking stay out and disappear, my family doesn't hear from me, my friends don't know where the fuck I am, I don't show up for my responsibilities.

I have to go back to being grateful, to my sobriety, to my friends, and family. Today, was a pretty good day, very low key, which is what my Saturdays have been looking like lately, and I like it that way. Usually by Saturday I'd be on day 4 or 5 of my high, and it wasn't pretty. So the video I pick for this week's post will be dedicated to my friend who went out, and to all those of my friends who are still out there without a solution.

Try not to get worried, try not to turn onto problems that upset you,,,

I am quite the big worrier, I most likely learned that from my mother, she is the picture of a worrier. It has been known to take over my life, I try to fix other people instead of working on fixing myself. And something I learned in rehab was that you can't love others without loving yourself first. So it's been really hard for me go about my life when one of my closest friends in the world has been MIA, and I don't mean he's on tour with the singer, or chatting it up with the Golden Girls in MIAmi....I just mean he has fallen off the face of the earth. To those of you who don't have friends or family members with drug problems, then you may not be familiar with the fact that when we are on drugs we tend to disappear on our loved ones. I have been MIA on my friends and family countless amounts of times, and I guess maybe I'm having a taste of my own medicine. I spoke to this said friend about a week and a half ago briefly and he said he was still out there tweeking it up, and one thing I can tell you was that he sounded so sad, desperate to get back to a life where he is loved for who he is, and not for what he has (drugs, sex, etc.)
A couple of months ago something like this would have completely taken over my life, in fact when I first went to rehab 4 years ago, I left the rehab and sobriety because one of my close friends had relapsed and I spent days trying to track him down all over the city, when I finally did find him, at a seedy motel in West Hollywood, instead of calling my sponsor, or a friend in the program I picked up and outright joined him. I didn't come back into the program for another two and a half years or so. I used to think of myself as Captain Save-a-ho, trying to nurture big ol' messes into a normal state of being. Boy did I fail at that, and it wasn't till this last go around in rehab that I learned how to take care of myself first, how to put myself first. So I believe that that's what i've been doing lately. I am still going to school, I am still going to meetings, I am still hanging out with my friends who ARE sober. I still worry about my confidant, and want nothing more than to have him back with me, so we can go back to gaying it up around town listening to Cher; but all I can do is just let him know that I am here for him when he's ready and that I love him SO fucking much!