So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, adieu...

So a little while after I posted my last post something quite big happened, my last possession was taken away. I was sitting in my sober living's living room and I saw a tow truck pull up right next to my 2003 fire engine red Ford Mustang which I called Sylvester (after the fierce and amazing disco diva Sylvester) , and low and behold they took my baby away. It sucks for the obvious reason that my car is now property of the LA DMV till I pay all my tickets off and get my registration paid up. But my car was the last bit of my life that I still had left...my apartment gone, my things in storage, everything had slowly disappeared thanks to my using, my car though undrivable by me (my license in suspended due to my second DUI) was at least still mine, but not anymore. The surprising thing is that I didn't have a panic attack, or freak out, or cry or anything of the sort...instead I had a couple of cigarettes and repeated something I learned in rehab:

Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today, when I am disturbed it is because I find some person, place, thing , or situation some fact of my life as unacceptable to me. I can find no serenity until I accept this person, place, thing, or situation as being the way it is meant to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake.

I repeated that to myself about a million and one times, and all of a sudden all this stress that I was starting to build up just floated away, so I am grateful to this amazing tool that I learned in recovery, otherwise I would try and solve my problem in my old way of finding a needle and some shit to get me fucked up! Thank God I am not THAT guy anymore.

Speaking of being that guy, I also did something quite big today, I went up to this guy who was extremely inappropriate with me after a meeting and told him that I am not someone to be treated in a derogatory sexual way, unless I invite him to do so... Anyway, I had been holding onto this resentment for almost two months now and it felt great to let it out, in a peaceful manner and create boundaries where there had been none before. So YAHY me!

Try not to get worried, try not to turn onto problems that upset you,,,

I am quite the big worrier, I most likely learned that from my mother, she is the picture of a worrier. It has been known to take over my life, I try to fix other people instead of working on fixing myself. And something I learned in rehab was that you can't love others without loving yourself first. So it's been really hard for me go about my life when one of my closest friends in the world has been MIA, and I don't mean he's on tour with the singer, or chatting it up with the Golden Girls in MIAmi....I just mean he has fallen off the face of the earth. To those of you who don't have friends or family members with drug problems, then you may not be familiar with the fact that when we are on drugs we tend to disappear on our loved ones. I have been MIA on my friends and family countless amounts of times, and I guess maybe I'm having a taste of my own medicine. I spoke to this said friend about a week and a half ago briefly and he said he was still out there tweeking it up, and one thing I can tell you was that he sounded so sad, desperate to get back to a life where he is loved for who he is, and not for what he has (drugs, sex, etc.)
A couple of months ago something like this would have completely taken over my life, in fact when I first went to rehab 4 years ago, I left the rehab and sobriety because one of my close friends had relapsed and I spent days trying to track him down all over the city, when I finally did find him, at a seedy motel in West Hollywood, instead of calling my sponsor, or a friend in the program I picked up and outright joined him. I didn't come back into the program for another two and a half years or so. I used to think of myself as Captain Save-a-ho, trying to nurture big ol' messes into a normal state of being. Boy did I fail at that, and it wasn't till this last go around in rehab that I learned how to take care of myself first, how to put myself first. So I believe that that's what i've been doing lately. I am still going to school, I am still going to meetings, I am still hanging out with my friends who ARE sober. I still worry about my confidant, and want nothing more than to have him back with me, so we can go back to gaying it up around town listening to Cher; but all I can do is just let him know that I am here for him when he's ready and that I love him SO fucking much!