Going to the chapel and we're gonna get married...

So last Sunday I met this totally hot daddy, and went home with him...we had an amazing time sexually, and what made it all the better was the fact that I threw every curve ball in my arsenal (recovering addict, sober living, HIV, etc) and none of those things sent him running the other way, which was great. So off I went the rest of Sunday, and most of Monday on cloud nine planning out our marriage, our life, and then reality set back in on our second rendezvous...there we were naked in his bed, and off he went on a two hour tangent about HIV not causing AIDS. Most may think, wow that man is crazy for thinking that, and even though I am a sucker for conspiracy theories IN THE MIDDLE OF SEX...ON OUR SECOND “DATE”!!?? That burst my bubble quicker than you can say zipeede doo dah! When he wasn't going off on the 205 reasons why AIDS is a drug company conspiracy, he was telling me how proud he was off my accomplishments (getting off meth, going to school, etc.) which was nice, but after the 15th time it kinda got old and repetitive. He also went on to imply that he wanted to be in a relationship with someone, Jesus H. Christ I never thought it would be possible, but I met someone a little more “crazy” than me...so we're engaged...just kidding, anyway, we'll see how things go, I would love to keep seeing him sexually, cause wow are we ever compatible there...but I also don't want to lead him on. I am not sure that I am ready for a relationship anyway, much less with someone far more needy than me...on a lighter note I just got back from watching the new movie Julie & Julia which was adorable and a half, it actually inspired me some more on this whole blogging thing again.

Mommy, WOW, i'm a big kid now!

Well this scared little shy boy is definitely beginning to show signs of maturity by taking care of myself and my sobriety. There are two recent incidents that show how I've done so. The first and most recent one, was today I finally went up to Brian the head guy at my rehab, and told him that there was a strong mutual attraction between me and a current resident of his rehab. He brought up all the points that others have brought up (he's newly sober, it's not good for me, etc.) but he also made me think outside of myself. See, he said that when a newcomer knows that someone is attracted to him, it distracts him from working fully on himself, and that totally took me back to when I was in rehab and I was totally head over heels “in love” with this guy Matt, who not only was a fucking stud muffin, but was also a genuine sweetheart. He was also, not quite all available for a relationship, obviously, and it did distract me quite a bit, of course he didn't know how much he distracted me, this was all my issue. I would sit there and figure out what would he like me to do, what would he enjoy doing, and I would sometimes ignore my sobriety work, in order to “take care of him” i.e. rent movies, make him a meal, etc. but I learned the great tool of telling on myself, in other words putting it out there so that others know what is going on with me, and to get an outside perspective on the situation. Learning this tool has been a great asset for me, because it takes away the power of the situation, and it helps me to quiet my inner monologue of insecurity. So I am glad that I told him that, because I could see how a relationship with this hot man would affect us both in so many different ways.

The other thing I did recently that I am very proud of has to do with someone talking down to me. I used to let people walk all over me, and yell at me in public, and never call them out on how it would make me feel. A couple of weeks ago I was at an AA meeting for which I was the chip person ,(in 12 step programs, we celebrate various lengths of recovery time with chips, such as 30 days, 6months, etc) and since alcohol wasn't the thing that brought me to my knees, crystal meth did, I usually identify as an addict, which I did when I introduced myself before passing out the chips. During the meeting's break, John, who was my counselor in rehab, proceeded to rip me a new one in front of the whole room telling me that since it was an AA meeting, I HAD to identify as an alcoholic. Now, I no longer have issues with identifying as such, it was just the tone in his voice, and his having reamed me in front of a group of my friends and fellow alcoholics/addicts. I think that because during groups he was so used to reaming me, and calling me out on my shit that he felt he could do so in public. That is where he was wrong, because we were both at a meeting as addicts, not in a room in rehab being counseled by him. I stewed with a resentment on this for a whole week, I spoke to friends, and to my sponsor. One week later, when I saw him again at the meeting, I went up to him and said I didn't appreciate his tone, that I had no problem with identifying as an addict/alcoholic, but that in a public setting, he is not to talk to me like that. He sort of brushed it off, and half heartedly apologized for it. It wasn't the response I wanted, but I have come to accept that we are all humans, and I must just take his apology and move on. It was such a great learning experience for me to stand up for myself, not only to someone who I felt insulted me, but to someone who I still see as having a position of power over me. So those are my two crowning achievements that are possible thanks to sobriety.