And I remember...

So 1 year ago today I was held up in my apartment, with bed sheets covering every single window in the place, I had been up for 7 days, I hadn't talked to my family in three weeks and I was all alone, just me, meth, porn, and the computer. It was the Friday of Labor Day weekend and I was taking a four hour break to start another long run, I am sitting on my filthy couch watching my TiVo crying my eyes out at a Law & Order: Criminal Intent episode when I hear a knock at my door. I think it's the police, not only because of my meth psychosis but also because there was a warrant out for my arrest. I saw this handsome face staring at me, I figured a cop, but no I open the door to see my brother in law and sister standing before me. I was half naked, reeking of meth sweat, piss, sex, lube, you name it I was covered in it. I didn't want them to come in because my place was such a gross mess, but they said they didn't mind and talked their way in. They told me that they loved me, and that I needed help because I was worrying the shit out of my parents, I cried uncontrollably for a while till we figured out a plan, we called the rehab I went to YEARS ago, Alternatives, and get assured that I could probably move in on Monday or Tuesday. They took me to a hotel to detox in North Hollywood, and they fed me. They stayed with me for two days, and then let me stay at my place alone, for one night before checking into rehab. Cut to, almost one year later (yesterday) when my mom, sister, brother in law and nephew all drove out to see me, and congratulate me on my year off meth. I have to say these have been two of the most amazing days I have had this last year. I got to hug, hold, and kiss my mamita and show her the man I have grown into. Today I got to show her even more, when she came to school to get her hair done by me, I usually hate doing all the Aveda rituals like massages, mini facials, and makeup touch ups but today I pampered my mother like there was no tomorrow. Seeing her face glow, and looking into her eyes and seeing not only pride, but also a sense of calm that her son isn't out there getting fucked up and disappearing for weeks on end. Seeing my family, and their happiness really reminds me of how many people I can affect with what I do, and it will surely keep me clean for a long long time.

Back in business and ain't it grand? Let the good times roll...

So for the two people who read my blog, you probably noticed I have been quiet for the last week and a half or so, and boy do I have a lot to catch up on! I am writing to you today from my new room in my new sober living. Here is what happened, on Sunday the 16th I made my return to the DJ booth at my own party, Betty Ford Lounge; and it was a bust. Usually we have a crowd of about 150 to 200 people, but this time we had about 40 or so people in attendance. I of course took it personally, blaming myself for it thinking to myself things like “nobody likes you” and “nobody respects you”and “you are a horrible DJ you don't deserve success” so I did, what I rarely do, which is I drank alcoholically. Normally, I drink a couple of drinks to be social and that is it, but after having what I thought was a disastrous afternoon I wanted to drink my troubles away (I hadn't done this for 3 years now, when my best friend died of heart failure) so off I went to the Faultline (one of our local leather bars) and proceeded to drink shot after shot after shot to forget what I was feeling. I had also had a huge blowout with the asshole that was my house parent the day before, and we had gotten our internet taken away from us, so I was SO fucking tired of living at my sober living. So I came home, and I was surprisingly not SUPER drunk, to the degree that I could've just walked into my room, gone to sleep and no one would have been the wiser. My therapist thinks that I subconsciously wanted to get kicked out, and so I then proceeded to talk to half of my housemates, now I am a pretty good actor, but not enough to hide the smell of tequila. I fessed up to my drinking, and proceeded to spend the night at motel to sleep it off.

Next day, my wish is granted and I am kicked out of my sober living, I had obviously not though this through because I instantly became homeless. The first half of the day became a bit scary for me as no one was able to offer me a couch commitment, it wasn't till around 6 or 7 that my dear friend and former housemate Juan said that I could not only spend the night, but could stay with him till a bed opened up at another sober living, which is where I have been for the last week and a half. Today I took the day off from school and proceeded to move into my new sober living, which is AMAZING. I get my own room in the back of the house, I will have a dish network connection in my room, I have internet as you can see, and most importantly I get to keep my kitty with me. People still ask me to this day, why I don't think I am an alcoholic? I tell them this, I can put down a margarita down quite easily, I can NOT put down a needle filled with meth once I have picked it up, at least not till my life doesn't get turned upside down first. Will I ever turn into an alcoholic? Possibly, but not today. I will not be drinking again till I move out of this sober living, which won't be till January or February of next year when I am close to graduation from school.

I am days away from my one year anniversary off meth, which is a big deal for me, my mom and sister are coming into town tomorrow and we are spending a great weekend together enjoying each others company, they will see the man I have become and I hope that I will make them proud. For now I will just get into my jammies and get to bed so that I may wake up early enough for school, and be grateful for the bed and roof I have over me today.

Prejudice, wrote a blog about it, want to hear it? Here it goes...

Now, I don't want to seem heterophobic, but I don't think I like straight people very much, well other than my family. I have lived in a gay bubble for most of my adult life, rarely dealing with the straights, but with my new career that is something I have had to get used to. Making small talk with giggly girls, and laid back dudes, it has truly been harder for me to do that, than to figure out a color formula. I can do some light general guy talk with the girls, and as far as the guys if they aren't into Metallica, Ultimate Fighting, or football I got nothin'!

There have been some exceptions to this general feeling of mine, first there is my friend Pat who I met in boarding school, but he is bi and is gayer than I am so he shouldn't really count; it has only been recently that I have started forging friendships with a couple of straight guys. The first being one of my classmates at hair school, a guy I totally had a crush on, but who I have grown to love for the sweet teddy bear of a man that he is, he knows EVERYTHING about me, and I can speak honestly with him about guys and any tricky situations I may find myself in, and he is there for me without judgment and just a kind word, and a loving ear. The newest addition to my straight menagerie was one of my housemates at sober living. First I must go on a small prejudice bigoted rant, I am in a gay rehab, and it really has gotten on my nerves when “straight” guys have been let in. I have been told that this is a rehab like any others, but if that is true then why is the 1800 number, 1800-DialGay!!?? Some of the straight guys that have been in here, have probably not been so straight, and therefor belong in a gay rehab, but there have been a couple who come into our safe haven, where we should be free to go around saying “girl” and calling each other “she” and “lady”; and have tried to tear us down for doing so. If you have such a problem with this behavior, the door is that way, and there are plenty and I mean PLENTY of other rehabs for people like you, rehabs where if we were to act like ourselves we would be humiliated, beat down, and forced back into that dark closet, but I digress. My latest addition to my straight friends has not been one of these guys, he is one of the coolest, smartest, laid back, and open minded guys I have ever met. We have spent many nights just hanging out, watching TV talking shit to each other, just being ourselves without any judgments. I am grateful for guys like this, who have broken my stupid preconceived notions about straight guys, and who are there for me whenever I need them. I need more friends like this, and I was saddened to see him go today, I am hoping that our friendship will not end after his moving out, but only time will tell, and I hope that he gets to expand my mind and heart to others like him.

So to bring out the straight guy in me, here is one of my favorite rock songs of all time, which to gay it up I should let you know that I used to masturbate to this video a lot during high school , before I found porn! :-) Here is Danzig with “Mother”

Going to the chapel and we're gonna get married...

So last Sunday I met this totally hot daddy, and went home with him...we had an amazing time sexually, and what made it all the better was the fact that I threw every curve ball in my arsenal (recovering addict, sober living, HIV, etc) and none of those things sent him running the other way, which was great. So off I went the rest of Sunday, and most of Monday on cloud nine planning out our marriage, our life, and then reality set back in on our second rendezvous...there we were naked in his bed, and off he went on a two hour tangent about HIV not causing AIDS. Most may think, wow that man is crazy for thinking that, and even though I am a sucker for conspiracy theories IN THE MIDDLE OF SEX...ON OUR SECOND “DATE”!!?? That burst my bubble quicker than you can say zipeede doo dah! When he wasn't going off on the 205 reasons why AIDS is a drug company conspiracy, he was telling me how proud he was off my accomplishments (getting off meth, going to school, etc.) which was nice, but after the 15th time it kinda got old and repetitive. He also went on to imply that he wanted to be in a relationship with someone, Jesus H. Christ I never thought it would be possible, but I met someone a little more “crazy” than me...so we're engaged...just kidding, anyway, we'll see how things go, I would love to keep seeing him sexually, cause wow are we ever compatible there...but I also don't want to lead him on. I am not sure that I am ready for a relationship anyway, much less with someone far more needy than me...on a lighter note I just got back from watching the new movie Julie & Julia which was adorable and a half, it actually inspired me some more on this whole blogging thing again.

He wasn't man enough for me

So I just finished watching “He's Just Not That Into You” and I surprisingly enough loved it, I totally identified with one of the main characters Gigi...who was this insecure girl always reading too much into every conversation and everything a guy does, and totally over analyzes everything in order to make him “the one”. Although I have recently only done that with friends, trying to make everyone out to be my new best friend. I guess it is that intense need to have a confidant that makes me trying and find one everywhere I go. I have known this forever, and I wish I could stop myself but I just haven't been able to. I do find comfort in the fact that at least now I am able to identify it and not let it affect me and take over my life like it has before. I talked about it in therapy this last week, and I definitely feel like I have grown in that regard, I mean I was not overly sensitive about the end of my friendship with my friend Nick...I just have to stop calling anyone I have hung out with more than three times my best friend, it is just getting so fucking sad. Like the love of my life, I know that someday I will find that guy that gets me and will love me for who I am, faults and all. Anyway, I need to get to bed, but I wanna share with you one of my favorite music videos, visually...and that is George Michael's Freek!