I just want something I can never have...

So I was all ready to go on a tirade about why I keep picking unavailable men, and why do I have so much crazy in me when it comes to men, but then I sat down and watched tonight's episode of How I Met Your Mother, which is by far one of my favorite sitcoms. The episode was all about the two supporting characters (Barney and Marshall) trying to trick the main character Ted out of calling this girl he just met at a bar, and unloading his big bag of crazy too soon on her, and therefor alienating her, and scaring her away. When he finally finds out that they were the ones texting him and not her, he goes on to tell them that so what if keeps alienating girls, because he is being too affectionate too early, if that happens then they are not the right girl for him.

This, I believe, once again is my higher power communicating with me the best way he/she knows how to, through the media. As I have mentioned before I think that God puts his God shots to me through movies, music, and television because he/she knows that is the best way to get a point across to me.

I have been obsessing for the last couple of days over this guy I like, who is currently at the rehab that I graduated from (YES, I know I shouldn't be slobbering over newcomers, blah blah blah) and with whom I sorta jokingly but not really talked about dating as soon as he got out. After all we have so much in common, we are both in recovery, we are both HIV and hep C positive, he totally came up to me after I shared about my rape experience and said he knew where I was coming from, so in my head I totally feel like it could work. Also he is totally my type (tall, white, muscle-y) and I am his type (short, and Latin) but I feel like maybe I am pushing him away with all my “joking” about wanting to have a relationship with him. I know I can be very pushy and overbearing, and I have been trying to control that but it is sometimes too hard to restrain myself. I am who I am, and who I am is a loving, caring, funny fella'! I had gotten to a point in my sobriety where I had a strong sense of self and did not care what people thought of me, and where I did not try to butch it up, or try to portray myself as someone that I wasn't. I lost that for some reason, and I am in dire need to find that person again. I was gonna say it's weird that I needed a sitcom to remind me of that, but honestly that is how my higher power and I work. So I am grateful for HIMYM, and its cute yet poignant message for me tonight.

What's new pussycat?

I am gonna totally turn into an old lady for a minute and show off this adorable picture of the love of my life...my kitty Nomi, "wearing" the hat I just bought for my costume for the AALA show!

Thank You for Being a Friend...

So during our lunch break at rehearsal today I was struck with the awful news that Bea Arthur had passed away, I was immensely saddened by the news as she has played many different roles in my life. Of course she was a source of laughter on the amazing Golden Girls, but I had been listening to her on the album of the original cast album of Mame with the legendary Angela Lansbury.

But one big reason she holds such meaning to me in my life is because I saw her on Broadway, in her one woman show Bea Arthur on Broadway on the day that I was diagnosed HIV positive, and the tickets to the show were supposed to be a valentine's day present for my boyfriend Michael, along with my HIV results (boy my cracked out fucked up head was really something, wasn't it!?). But the son of a bitch never showed for the show and I had to get my good friend Fabi to RUN downtown to join me at the theater. I totally balled my eyes out during intermission and after the show because I had been totally dissed by this man I loved, and who I thought loved me after all I had put myself through for him. Oh well, I have definitely grown a lot since then, and know that I deserve better than that for myself. Anyway Bea Arthur was a great actress, and she brought me such joy at so many low points in my life, I am truly grateful to her, and hope that she is in a better place. I will miss her dearly

I leave you with this fierce clip of her and Angela at the Tony's!

It's all coming back, it's all coming back to me know...

So as I may have mentioned before I was a bit of a violin prodigy growing up, I started at age 3 I am told, and took to it like a fish to water. I remember always being extremely passionate about performing, I guess playing the violin is the first time I knew I was a performance whore, I loved the astonished looks of people, the clapping, the whole nine yards.

My mother was the integral part of my playing the violin, for she was a classically trained concert pianist, and I guess even though I am adopted I get my soul and passion for music from her. I used to practice every day for at least an hour, which at some point started getting on my nerves, and I began resenting my mother for pushing me, I must admit if it hadn't been for the violin I wouldn't have seen a lot of the things I have. I have traveled all across the country playing the violin, including a performance at the world renowned Carnegie Hall, natch! Also if it hadn't been for the violin I probably wouldn't have lost my virginity, since I popped my cherry at age 11 with this guy in my violin troupe. But by age 13 I had grown immensely resentful at the violin, and the temper tantrums I threw kept getting bigger and bigger, so I decided to quit the violin, and focus on a new passion of mine...musical theater.

So the violin gathered dust for a while, I took it with me to NYC after one of my trips home, and played it in a couple of musicals, but for the most part it just lay there. One of my biggest regrets to this day is having sold my violin for drug money, I can't believe I gave up something that even though I resented I still had a special place in my heart for. Anyway, let's fast forward to a couple of months ago when I was cast in the AALA show, I came up with this fabulous idea to buy a cheap violin on ebay that was electric blue, because it would be a great addition to the show. I got it, and I have not been able to put it down. First my juices began flowing again when I was asked to put together my music to accompany one of my cast mates in this beautiful song that Sarah Brightman does called Deliver Me. After doing that I have decided to try and get some sheet music to songs I know that I know, and to try and get my brain up and running again and connect it to my fingers. It has been a slow and arduous process, but it is slowly coming back to me. Also last week I decided to buy the books that I learned on, from the Suzuki method. I have been playing around with some of the songs, and the passion is still there, now I just need to get it all coordinated together to make it into beautiful music again. I am just so grateful to sobriety for bringing this beautiful instrument back into my life, and I hope I can do it justice again.

So my music clip for the week is of this amazing violinist name Miri Ben Ari, she is nicknamed the hip hop violinist, she has played with Jay-Z, Wyclef and Kanye among others, and here is her clip of her doing her thang at the Apollo!

And i'm getting better, getting stronger...

So I have been getting a lot quicker at performing haircuts, this last Wednesday we had a cut-a-thon at school on Earth Day, because Aveda is the most green beauty company out there, so we gave away free haircuts all day. Anyway I thought I would only be able to perform one haircut in the four hour period I have, but I was actually able to do two, which I was very surprised by! Anyway, something came up morally for me that day. I cut myself with my scissors twice, and obviously bled. When I was being driven home from school by my friend, and classmate Sean he was suggesting that I tell people about my HIV and Hepatitis statuses, I disagreed. I don't think that I have to disclose my health status to anyone, I mean he knows because I trust him and know that he is a trustworthy person of keeping my privacy. I mean I guess I divulge my status so freely to anyone who reads this blog, but I don't really feel the need to, especially since I never come into contact with anyones blood. It's not like I am a doctor, or a nurse, or anything in the health field. So I think it is my absolute right to keep my status to myself.

I'm gonna knock you out, mama said knock you out...

...and then pin you down, and fuck you silly! Or at least thats what I hope the UFC fighters are thinking. For those of you who don't know what the UFC is, it is the Ultimate Fighting Champion a mixed martial arts sport, that is quite violent and also very homo erotic. The new season of their reality show The Ultimate Fighter started a couple of weeks ago on Spike TV, and as always I am fucking hooked on it. I know, how butch of me, I will admit that I got into it at first because it is a bunch of half naked muscle men getting all sweaty and taking turns pinning each other down on a mat in front of a bunch of other roided up fuckers watching them; BUT I have grown an admiration for the sport, I don't just fast forward to the sexy parts, but I totally get into the whole art of the sport. They mix karate, with wrestling, with tae kwon do, with capoeria...and I think it takes some fucking skill to beat down their opponents. When I was a kid I was in tae kwon do till I was about 10, and then when my folks found out I was gay at age 11 or 12 my dad made me go back to it so that I could defend myself against any bullies I might encounter, I only stayed in for another year till I was a red belt (which is two degrees away from being a black belt). I took to it pretty well because it was very much like dancing, in how you have to balance yourself and how you move around avoiding getting hit. But I digress I am totally getting into this new season which pits off an American team against a group of British blokes, and as American as I am nothing gets me harder than a sweaty roided up bloke with an accent, WOINK WOINK!

There is one little issue that has recently come up for me, and that is that Dana White the head of the UFC called a reporter a faggot. He apologized profusely afterwards but only in a half hearted way, saying that the word faggot is just another word. Anyway, they interviewed me on the streets of West Hollywood a couple of weekends ago when I was walking around with some of my cast mates from the AALA show, below is the clip that was put together, hope you enjoy.

Anyway, I will keep watching the show because I am a fan of the show, and I have already written him a stern email proclaiming my love for the sport and the show as a gay man. Also I found out there is one out fighter, which I am truly amazed by, oh well back to the show I go.

That's me in the corner, that's me in the spot light, losing my religion...

Alright, so the great thing about having a blog is that you can say things on here that you want to say in other places where it is really not appropriate to do so. Tonight, I wanna bitch about religion. I know a fun little topic that always garners all kinds of heated debate. The juiciest part is that it's not about religion in general, but about Christians. Specifically Christians at 12 step meetings. My issue is that sometimes the prayer that we pray out on is the lord's prayer...which is a Christian prayer, it really gets on my last Jewish nerve that people just throw it out there like it's a prayer everyone should know. I am more comfortable with the serenity prayer because it is a general prayer to God, I looked up the lord's prayer on Google and this is what it said:

The Lord’s prayer is a prayer the Lord Jesus taught His disciples in Matthew 6:9-13 and Luke 11:2-4. Matthew 6:9-13 reads, “This, then, is how you should pray: 'Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name, your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us today our daily bread. Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one.'”



I mean how would people like if I chose a Jewish prayer and all of a sudden started going:


Baruch Atah Adonai Eloheinu Melech ha'olam shegemalani kol tov.
Which translates into:
I praise You, Eternal God, Sovereign of the universe, who bestows great goodness upon me


I mean that prayer is equally if not more so appropriate for a 12 step meeting. But let's take my religion out of it and say someone wanted to recite a Buddhist chant, or a pagan one, or a Muslim prayer, or let's take it to the extreme and start saying a prayer worshiping Satan, how would they like it then? Then they would have to stand there looking like idiots quietly not being comfortable in their skin because they aren't saying the prayer everyone else knows by heart. Actually to be honest I do know the prayer...in Spanish, from my good ol' days as a roman catholic boy.


Padre nuestro que estás en los cielos
Santificado sea tu Nombre
Venga tu reino
Hágase tu voluntad
Aqui en la tierra como en el cielo
Danos hoy el pan de cada día
y perdona nuestras offensas
como nosotros perdonamos a los que nos offenden
y no nos dejes caer en al tentacion
y libranos del mal.

If I hadn't told you what I was saying you would have no clue as to what the hell I was speaking about, and you'd feel left out like I did so many times after converting to judaism. Oy! Anyway another thought occurred to me right as I began writing this, what must the poor atheists in the room feel like with the word God being so freely used in our literature. I mean it does say a God of our understanding, but I can't imagine how much like outsiders they must feel as everyone is reading off our sanctioned literature with God sprinkled all over it. Oh well, that is my little rant on religion for today.

When I get a brand new hairdo, with my eyelashes all in curls...

Alright so what a great day I had today, from start to finish. I started my day off with the weekly house process group, which went VERY well with the head of the rehab running it alone. It was nice because we usually see him in this position where we are afraid to approach him but today we saw a different side of him, one of compassion and inspiration, it was a great beginning.

I went on to get my hair did, and I tell ya I love what a new hairdo can do for your self esteem, adding that jump in your step, I did it at my friend Paul's salon, who's been doing my hair for almost 8 years now, we both moved to LA around the same time and have quite the history together. We always have a blast, because I usually come in with some crazy idea for my hair, or just tell him to go wild. Today, was one such day, and so he buzzed off most of my head and left me a cute little bang in the front to work with. I totally love it, and I am so fucking grateful for him because he is the inspiration behind my newfound career path. Speaking of which, today I had my first guest. I am lucky that the cut that she wanted was the same one I have been practicing for the last week or so. It was a bit stressful because I had moments where I was doubting my skills, and I was also being taught by this new teacher who has a different way of doing things, and I am trying to get my head to take in all this new information and at the same time keep the information I got stored in my head...anyway, it took me all of three fucking hours to do the same haircut I did yesterday on a doll head in an hour and a half. GRRRRRRRRRRR, but the lovely girl was quite sweet and patient with me, so bless her heart for grinning and bearing through it. In the end though it came out pretty nice, I definitely have the skill now all I need is to get more self confidence, which I think will help in being a lot faster, baby steps, baby steps...anyway I made it through the day, and everyone was happy with the results, so THERE. Anyway, I am off to bed since I got rehearsal all day today.

Anyway so my video for the week is one of my favorite ballads of all time, I just love this bitch, and I used to love her on KIDS Incorporated...along with Fergie, looks like THEY made it, out of KIDS INCORPORAAAAAATED! Here is the FIERCE Martika, with Toy Soldiers!

Oh father, if you never wanted to live that way...why am I running away?

I honestly had nothing in my head tonight, and then when I got home from a meeting my housemates were watching Finding Nemo in the living room, and as the last tear ran down my face I knew I should share about why I love this movie so much, and why it holds so much meaning to me.

My father and I have always had a civil relationship, loving to a degree, but not extremely close. I used to think that maybe he hadn't gotten the son he had always hoped for. I was a big sissy growing up, semi effeminate always interested more in arts than in sports. Also he is a HUGE math geek, and does math for fun...and after 8th or 9th grade I just could not get math. So I was always a mama's boy, as many gay men are, and after they found out I was gay I think there was more tension between us, because this fortified , I think, to him that he would never see me get married and have children. But to his credit my father has always been very supportive of whatever I wanted to do with my life, he has supported me for the last 29 years of my life, and for that I am always grateful.

One of the sweet father son moments that has always resonated with me is during my first trip to Disney World in Orlando, when we were on It's a Small World, my dad looked at my mom and me and said “ This must be what heaven is like” (yeah yeah I know it is one of the most annoying songs in the world, and it is very plastic and kitschy, but think about it...he was trying to express that heaven must be beautiful like this in the sense that people of all races are living together peacefully and happily, so save your bitchy comments to yourself...if I can do it, you can too) so whenever I go to Disneyland, I always make sure to get on that ride and think of happier more innocent days like those.

My drug use definitely created a huge rift between us, I mean he raised me well enough to know that drugs are bad, also I think when I told them (well when my sister told them) I was HIV+ it might have led him to think to himself “what did I do wrong!?”, and the truthful answer is nothing, I did these things to myself. I made these stupid decisions and I must live with the consequences. Right before my previous sobriety, I recall sending my parents Finding Nemo on DVD (I send them movies I think they will like once in a while) and I received a message from my father, which in itself was rare, since he only called to yell at me for spending too much money or something. He left me a message saying, they watched the movie, and that he totally identified with it. He felt like he was Marlin and that I was Nemo, he had lost me and had been trying for years to find the me that he knew and loved. That totally broke my heart, and since then I haven't been able to keep a dry eye at the end of that movie. I feel that now, more than ever I am getting closer to becoming a man that he can be proud of and call his son. He inspires me to no end, and I love him very much. I don't think I tell him enough, but I do.

I have nothing, nothing, NOTHING...

that's it, I cant really come up with anything clever, I have had a very long exhausting weekend of rehearsals and meetings, I will chime in tomorrow with clever shit to say, but I didnt wanna go to bed this weekend without sharing a music video, here is my favorite song by one of my favorite bands, the talented, Swedish, and very underrated Roxette with Almost Unreal, from beleive it or not...the Super Mario Brothers Movie Soundtrack! JINKIES!

You wanna fuck me like an animal...

Well good luck with that! So last night (Wednesday night) I went to a CMA meeting called Sex & Relationships in sobriety, and me having had my first real date in sobriety last Sunday it has brought up this issue to my head, which I guess has been in there for a while now. I know people look at me and think “oh she's a big ol' bottom”, but in all honest truth I have a huge issue with getting fucked. This issue stems from the fact that I have been raped twice in my life. The first time was 9 or 10 years ago by one of my boyfriends, and then most recently around June or July of last year during my relapse. This issue has come up because when I was high I could give two shits as to who put what where, that is the glory of being a fucked up mess I guess, but now that I am a sober man who is getting to know himself I see it becoming an issue.

I am a huge flirt, and have sexual innuendos coming out the whazoo non stop. This I feel has created this illusion that I am this totally secure sexual being, which I am for the most part, I mean I know what I like to do in bed, and can be pretty vocal about it, but the one part I have been holding back for the most part has been the getting fucked issue, and I am totally unprepared as to how to deal with bringing it up to guys that I like. My fear is that the second I start getting real it may turn guys off, and may stall whatever intimacy was created already. I shared this at last night's meeting and my share was immensely well received. I got applauded for my honesty, and more than one guy came up to me after the meeting and shared their similar experiences with me.

So I have concluded that I will have to learn to work through my issues/insecurities with myself, and possibly discuss them with my therapist and friends who I trust completely. I also feel that I will have to bring the issue up to some degree with whomever I am dating, and if they reject me for it, then it's their loss not mine. I feel like I would be willing to explore that act with someone I can trust, and who I know won't hurry me up and judge me for my issues. If that person is not in my life at the moment, then so be it, God has a plan for me, and I am certainly in no rush to get hitched right now. I am on a journey to get to know myself so that I can love myself fully, as the man I am, and the man that I want to become, one day at a time.

Learn to say goodbye, I yearn to say goodbye

Damn this has been one long emotional day for me. I was woken up by a text from one of my housemates telling me that he has decided to move back to Palm Springs because of all this shit that is going on at our sober living. This is a dangerous move for him, as most of his using was out there and he has mostly friends who are still tweaking and not good influences on him. His leaving reminded me that last night I had heard through the grape vine that my best friend decided to pull yet another geographical (12 step term for moving because you think THAT will cure your addiction) to Texas. So my “best friend” and one of my housemates who was one of my closest friends in the house left me abruptly (I know they didn't leave ME, but this is how my heart feels, since I do have abandonment issues). So all day I just kinda laid in bed, watching TV not wanting to deal with any of these emotions.

The clock tells me it's time to head to school, and today was the first day that I was supposed to go on the floor. I am completely terrified, because I don't feel like I am ready to cut real people's hair. As those of you who have been reading my blog know, I did my first haircut on Friday, and I fucked up half way into it. I was lucky enough to have a friend who understands where I am coming from and worked with the mistake, but I started to think, while on the bus ride to school, that I will most likely not have such understanding costumers. The last night class that graduated before me onto the floor had a whole week of practicing in the classroom, I had a day and a half. I felt so unprepared so less than, like I didn't belong on the floor yet. So I got off the bus, had dinner and turned back around to go home to make in time for a meeting.

I was in dire need of a meeting because all these emotions were getting the best of me. So I totally let it all out at the meeting and felt a great sense of relief to have let everyone in on what I was going through. It also felt great to get some amazing feedback from other hairdressers in the program who told me not to freak out, that I was in school to learn, not to be an amazing hairdresser off the bat. That indeed helped me immensely. So as I go to bed with still a sense of uncertainty as to what is going to happen tomorrow with all of us at sober living, and me at school, but at least I have done so without picking up that needle to deal with my emotions, and for that I am grateful.

I can't hear the bells, my head isn't reeling! The bridesmaids aren't singing!

So last night I had my first date in sobriety, and I couldn't be on any higher cloud right now. For many reasons. First of all it just feels good to be liked, and it feels great to hold hands with someone, kiss and snuggle with them during a movie, it is just an amazing feeling.

The main reasons that I feel so good about it though, are attributed to how much my thinking has changed since my last date, which I am guessing was probably about a year and a half to two years ago. This time I have my priorities straight, which I believe I have listed before, but I will list them again just in case I didn't!
1.Sobriety
2.School
3.Work(whenever I get it)
4.Family
5.Friends
6.Boyfriend

Secondly, and I think most important to my sanity and sobriety is the fact that even after spending a wonderful evening with the lad I did not go into “marriage mode” which is something I do, correction, DID a lot. I would immediately plan out our whole relationship in my head, picture our future together, culminating in a life with a house, friends, parties, etc. God knows if that side of me will rear its ugly head at some other point, but for now I am still quite focused on where I have to be in my life, the things that I have to do in my life in order for it to keep moving forward. Who knows if this will lead into a relationship more than a friendship? The blessing I have in my life right now is that I am not over analizing this shit to death. And the reason that I changed the lyrics from the Hairspray song “I CAN hear the bells” isn't be cause I don't this this guy isn't special enough to be the one or anything, its just that for once I am not hearing those wedding bells ringing after just one date, and that is a great step for me, and I couldn't be prouder!

Face, face, face I give face, beauty, face...

Wow, what a week I have had. As I mentioned before this was my week of finals at school, before I head to the floor to take on real clients. It has been a rollercoaster week for me, emotionally. You see along with doing a final haircut on a model, we also have to do these things called benchmarks, where they time you on how long it takes you to do certain things. Such as a long layers haircut, a perm set, and a full head highlight foil. The last class that went to the floor had a whole week of preparing before doing these benchmarks, they barely gave us one day to practice before our benchmarks because there is a big ol transition going on at school, so we get the shitty end of the stick! So Wednesday night we had our highlight benchmark and we started an hour later than planned, and therefor I wasn't able to finish before class was over. I totally beat myself up all night and the following day. I thought to myself I had no business being a hairstylist and that I would never amount to anything. The next day I spent all day looking over my notes for our next procedure, the perm set. That totally helped me out, and I did it in one hour and twenty five minutes (we were alloted two and a half hours for this) so I felt really good about myself. My self esteem had been restored back to it's normal level.

Cut to today, the day where we perform a haircut of our choice on a live model (benchmarks are performed on doll heads) I had looked over my notes, and I also went over a video I took of the DVD instructing us how to do the cut my roommate and I had come to an agreement on doing. So all the way to school I watched the videos on my Zune, and went over all the sectioning and stuff that I had to do. I get on the floor, and start performing the cut. I start out slow, but good, my confidence is at a moderate level and my nerves are leveled out as well. I finish her right side, and it looks flawless if I do say so myself, but the second I put down the last strand of hair on her left side, I stare at her and begin to panic. I forgot to take into account that I am right handed, and therefor when I move to do her left side I must angle my fingers in a different way so that they match the other side. So instead of her left side mirroring her right side, I have created an asymmetrical do (aka the Posh Spice). I immediately begin to panic, I get very anxious, sweat profusely and my eyes begin to swell up because of this (I think) HUGE faux pas I have created! Immediately, my model/roommate/friend turns to me and tells me to calm down, that I have not done something that can not be corrected. I compose myself, say the serenity prayer a gazillion times and begin to create a new strategy with my instructor. So we calmly looked her over, and he helped me in getting my shit together enough to make her hair look its best. So in the end I am grateful that I have this amazing understanding friend who was able to pull me out of my neurosis and bring me back to earth to finish a fabulous new do, if I do say so myself. So in the end it all worked out fabulously! I am done with hell week, and will start taking on clients on Wednesday of next week. That is a total different mind fuck, but if I can get through this mistake, I know I can get through anything. Below is the result of my first full on haircut on a real live girl! AND WHAT!?



Since I will be out all day today at rehearsal I figured I would post my video for the week. Since the title of this post refers to Ms. Bebe's rap in RuPaul's Cover Girl (Put the Bass in Your Walk) I have decided to put up one of my favorite videos of her, her duet with Elton John covering his original Kiki Dee duet “Don't Go Breaking My Heart”...and I just fucking LOVE when she does the Cher bit in this! WHOA Chastity!

I get wings to fly, God knows I'm alive!

Wow have I been crazy or what? It is Wednesday morning, it is hump day and I can't wait for the weekend to be here for two reasons: I will have finished my hell week at school, and rehearsal's would be here!

School is going pretty good, I am very excited because this is my week of finals before I head to the floor and start taking customers. This is very scary for me, cause they are not like friends who don't mind a nick here or there, and are getting a free service. These are paying customers who have a very clear idea of what they want, God knows I wouldn't wish myself on myself, as I am one tough customer when it comes to hair. I got a 91 on my written test, now I only have my practical test on Friday on my live model, where I get to perform a haircut on her. My lovely roommate has been gracious enough to volunteer herself to be my first guinea pig. A lot of my insecurities are coming out this week and I am extra sensitive when it comes to my abilities, I am trying to work through them and I am sure that with the help of my friends, teachers and especially my higher power I will do a great job on her, and whoever comes in through the doors of our salon.

As for rehearsal's they are going AMAZING, Sunday we did two amazing things! First we met with a cheerleading instructor who helped us in learning some stunts for the finale, this totally took me back to high school when I was the co-captain of our cheerleading squad, the one little caveat to the whole thing was that my base partner (the other guy lifting the acrobat with me) is a little taller than me, and they might have to replace me because I can't seem to get his legs even, and if I end up doing another smaller stunt I know my ego would be a bit hurt by it. If that does happen I do have my big number to stroke it back up, as that is the second thing we did that day. We staged my number from beginning to end and I couldn't be happier. This character reflects me in so many different ways it's not funny. First of he smiles and sings through a whole bunch of tough situations, which I totally identify with, as I was always taught to put on a brave front, and not show your true feelings out to others as much as you can. And finally there is a line in my song, where I am supposed to happily say “Bring me a disease that he got from his ho, oh” and the reason I identify with that so much is because the reason I zero converted was because my boyfriend at the time would not have sex with me and/or date me seriously until I was HIV positive too, so I am trying to incorporate all of this into this lovely cheery number of mine.

So at the end of the day I am still tired as all hell, but my life could not be better, so I am definitely immensely grateful.