You wanna fuck me like an animal...

Well good luck with that! So last night (Wednesday night) I went to a CMA meeting called Sex & Relationships in sobriety, and me having had my first real date in sobriety last Sunday it has brought up this issue to my head, which I guess has been in there for a while now. I know people look at me and think “oh she's a big ol' bottom”, but in all honest truth I have a huge issue with getting fucked. This issue stems from the fact that I have been raped twice in my life. The first time was 9 or 10 years ago by one of my boyfriends, and then most recently around June or July of last year during my relapse. This issue has come up because when I was high I could give two shits as to who put what where, that is the glory of being a fucked up mess I guess, but now that I am a sober man who is getting to know himself I see it becoming an issue.

I am a huge flirt, and have sexual innuendos coming out the whazoo non stop. This I feel has created this illusion that I am this totally secure sexual being, which I am for the most part, I mean I know what I like to do in bed, and can be pretty vocal about it, but the one part I have been holding back for the most part has been the getting fucked issue, and I am totally unprepared as to how to deal with bringing it up to guys that I like. My fear is that the second I start getting real it may turn guys off, and may stall whatever intimacy was created already. I shared this at last night's meeting and my share was immensely well received. I got applauded for my honesty, and more than one guy came up to me after the meeting and shared their similar experiences with me.

So I have concluded that I will have to learn to work through my issues/insecurities with myself, and possibly discuss them with my therapist and friends who I trust completely. I also feel that I will have to bring the issue up to some degree with whomever I am dating, and if they reject me for it, then it's their loss not mine. I feel like I would be willing to explore that act with someone I can trust, and who I know won't hurry me up and judge me for my issues. If that person is not in my life at the moment, then so be it, God has a plan for me, and I am certainly in no rush to get hitched right now. I am on a journey to get to know myself so that I can love myself fully, as the man I am, and the man that I want to become, one day at a time.