The fire's got you down on both knees, and the walls are closing in, but I will break through...

This has truly been an exhausting, and somewhat emotional week for me. It started out last Monday with bed bug extermination attempt number 6 (number 7 is coming tomorrow btw) and my attempt at trying to move out of sober living was nixed by my parents, saying that they were worried by my drinking, and weren't sure if they could trust me out in the real world yet. I dove into a state of depression that I hadn't been in for a long while now, not since I was out there high. I was resorting to old behaviors of not leaving my house, except for “essentials” like cigarettes, food, or a meeting here and there...I missed school, though part of the days I missed were due to my stressed related pink eye, but the thing is I didn't care anymore, I just wanted to be in my own little depressed world watching my TiVo and not thinking about what I was gonna do for another couple of months in this place I so despise at the moment, having to deal with 8 other clashing personalities, no privacy, no complete freedom to come home as I please, or go to certain establishments as I please. Day by day though I have been slowly growing into acceptance of my situation. Just when I thought things could not get worse, my friend Nick and I had a falling out, because basically he critiqued me on my passive aggressiveness and since I felt like he was putting up a mirror to show me my faults, I figured I would put a mirror right back and point out his faults as well; that did not go over very well, and he told me never to contact him again, and I surprisingly felt this sense of relief. I am more than willing to work on my faults but I need someone who sees who I truly am, and loves me with those faults and wants to help me grow as a man, he was obviously not that type of friend. I wish him the best in his life, and as much as I would like to blog about all the things he is doing to fuck up his life, I won't go into details because it's not really my business to put his shit out there, I am better than that.

This week did end with some glimmers of hope for me though, yesterday I got a text from my friend and hairdresser Paul, asking me if I wanted to start my externship today, instead of on August 9th, to which I replied a resounding “YES!” , so today I went to the salon I will be working at now called Sugar in silverlake, and had a pretty good first day of assisting, it wasn't extremely difficult, but it wasn't a breeze either, and to cap the whole day off I got a nice visit from my sister who was visiting from Vegas, she came to pick me up along with her husband at work, and we had a nice talk at my sober living, reassuring me that if I keep doing what I am doing now (school, work, meetings, etc) that she doesn't see why in a couple of months my father won't finally see how I have grown, and how responsible I can be, and I can grow out of that immature, temper tantrum throwing boy that he's know for the last 29 years, I know that I have grown, and that I defiantly have to prove myself to him, and to show him that I can be a man and accept situations as they are and just learn to grow from them, so I shall try and show him.

So today I wanna share something that totally brings back memories of some of the few fun times I had back in PR, which was seeing my sister's choreography for fabulous drag queens and she did her take of the Kiss of the Spider-woman story with this amazing Grace Jones cover of a Rita Hayworth song “Amado Mio” so here is the FIERCE Ms. Jones performing it live in some foreign show!

I'm feeling very still, and I think I know my spaceship knows which way to go

Now I know what straight sci fi geeks feel like when they see two hot chicks on SciFi shows make out. I TiVo'd a miniseries on BBC America called Torchwood: Children of Earth and saw the hotest guy on guy kiss I have ever seen on regular TV. I know have to go on netflix and figure out what the hell this show has been about for the last couple of years...

Through the sleepless nights, through every endless day, I'd wanna hear you say I remember you...

A couple of days ago I got some very disturbing news, one of my friends who used to live with me in sober living is going to prison for 20 years. I love this guy very much, and it pains me to even think about what his life will be like for the next 20 years, it scares me straight to be honest. I mean, this man was sweet, smart, had a family, was going to school to get his life back together; but all that changed when he picked up that needle one more time...he apparently was on probation, and the terms of that were that if he ever tested dirty again he would be sent in for 20 years. Situations like these remind me of what could happen to me if I ever decided to put a needle back in my arm, I had heard of this happening to others, but it had never happened to someone that I knew so well. He was my sobriety brother, and a friend. We loved to joke around together, and there was always this flirtation between us that never amounted to anything but still, it was nice to come home and call him “pa'” and have him answer with “hey boy” in that sexy southern drawl of his. I luckily do not have the danger of anything like that looming over me, don't get me wrong I still have a charge waiting for me to take care of, but nothing nearly as serious as that. Thinking of the fact that he will get out when he is nearly 60 really baffles me, I will be nearly 50 when he gets out, I wonder if I will remember him then, I hope I do.

So in his honor, I would like to share a video of one of my favorite hair metal songs, which he loved a great deal...here is this post's title song Skid Row's “I Remember You”.

MMMMMmmmmm my baby's got a secret, MMMMMMmmmmmm...

So I just found out that one of my closest friends relapsed last week, but he has been telling me that he didn't, I don't want to bring it up to him because I don't want to push him away, but I also feel like as a friend I deserve his honesty. Then again when I was out there using the last thing I was with any of my friends or family was honest, so I understand where he is coming from. As you can see I am torn about what to do, it's not like it's my first time dealing with this...a couple of months ago my best friend at the time was doing the same thing, and it took me hinting and hinting towards it, and finally asking him “would you tell me if you relapsed?” when he finally said yes, but our friendship was a lot stronger, and longer...this one is still fresh, and I don't feel like he can trust me, or maybe he's not ready, I dont know I am kinda flustered as to what to do, all I know is that I will try and not let it get the best of me, I will worry some, and definitely pray for him, but that's all I can do.

NO, MORE, DRAMA!

So as I said a couple of days ago, there are plenty of things going on in my life that I have to blog about. For one, the drama is non stop at my sober living, the most annoying one is the fact that we sprayed the house for bed bugs, yet again (this is my FIFTH spraying) and we may have another one next Monday, AGAIN, making that number six! I have had ENOUGH of this hell hole, but it's gonna be hard convincing my parents that I am ready to be out of this place, since they worry about my safety. I understand them totally, but I feel like I have proven myself with going to school, and being of service, and now with this new job I feel like I am definitely working a lot harder than I ever have before.

On the drama side of things, I had quite the little incident this last weekend. I was sitting at home, watching TV as usual, and all of a sudden I see one of the rehab employees walk out of his room with a plastic bag that made a clink clink clink kind of sound that somehow rang a bell with me...so as I watched TV, I kept an eye on him through the corner of my eye and watched him as he threw the bag away...in our neighbors trash cans. This made me think, I sat there having the most Murder She Wrote-y inner monologue going on in my head, thinking to myself things like “oh, I bet she's throwing away those liquor bottles she's been drinking in our sober living” and “wouldn't it just be so fucking funny and hypocritical for one of the people that lectured me on my drinking a couple of weeks ago, to have been drinking in the house this whole time?”. So I watched him get ready, and get in his car...and as soon as I was sure he was gone, I Scooby Doo'd my ass over to our neighbor's garbage cans, and pulled out the bag he threw away there...and lo and behold, there they were four empty flasks of vodka! The mystery of the hypocritical alcoholic had been solved! I must admit there was this little part of me (OK big part of me) that really enjoyed catching this bit of hypocrisy right under my own roof. So I did what I was supposed to do, I told the higher ups about what I found, and they apparently called him. He denied it, and when he came home, he sat right next to me and denied it as well, saying “it's not what it looks like”...and I said “it looks like you've been drinking INSIDE a sober living”, and he said no...to which I responded “then why does your breath still smell like liquor?”, to which he responded “I don't have answer for that”...check, and mate! Needles to say he hasn't set foot back in this house, or the office since, who knows where he is? I hope he is somewhere safe, getting help for his problem. Me? I am just hoping and praying that I can convince my family that I am a trust worthy man, that is totally dedicated to his new life free of drugs, and full of devotion to my new passion of haircutting.

I'm free, I am FREE...and freedom tastes of reality!

Wow so it's been a while since I've posted anything on here, and what a crazy week it's been. First of all as you can see my little calculator is back, because it just wasn't sitting right with me to hide my true feelings about my program. I have finally come out to people in my program, and they have been mostly supportive; of course there are the critics as to be expected but I basically said, all I need from you is your love, not your judgement, and that is what I got so far. I have finally just decided to try and let go of other people's opinions of me, but that of course is easier said than done.

My one bit of news though, is that I have landed a job...of sorts. Starting August 9th, I will be doing an externship for my dear friend Paul at the new salon he works at in Silverlake, called Sugar. I will be getting school hours, and credits for whatever procedures I help him to do. I am truly excited about this, because even though I will have one less day of relaxation I will be busy doing what I love to do. I feel so grown up, and can't wait to start making a little bit of extra money.

I have PLENTY of other stuff to write about, but after a long day of doing ALL my laundry because of the god damn bed bugs (my fifth time, but who's counting!?) I really need to get to bed, and rest up for school tomorrow.

Since I didn't get to post a video this weekend, I will post one now. I know some people may think they are tacky, but I love me some good STYX...so here they are with one of their classics "Mr. Roboto"

Thank you for being a friend...again...

Boy what a difference a day makes, so last night I was gonna blog my ass off about my gal pal Nick dumping me as a friend, I was gonna write some scathing things about friendship and all that, but I was tired and decided to just go to bed and blog today. Well after a pretty uneventful day of being sick with a sore throat at home, I went to a meeting, and there he was. I politely said hello, but didn't really address him as he asked me to give him space. I was walking to the store to get myself a soda, and he ran after me, and proceeded to apologize for leaving me in my time of need, and we had an amazing conversation about how we were each doing. We both have a similar mindset at the moment of the program, I will of course only express how I feel at the moment, which to be honest could change tomorrow, you never know. I am tired of everyone being up in everyone's business. I mean before I even told anyone that I had slipped on alcohol, I was getting that look from everyone, you know the look the one that says “oh you poor poor unfortunate soul”. I have been thinking about weather I would still be going to meetings if I didn't have to, I am not sure if I would be going to them. I don't think I am better than anyone, but it just feels detrimental to me sometimes, I have to try and follow my sponsor's advice which is that I go to meetings for myself, not for others, but there is only so much shade I can take. I know there are plenty of people who are drug free without going to meetings, and it's not like I'm not trying to deal with my issues, I see a therapist once a week, and I am going to start working on the 12 steps on my own for a while till I start working them with my sponsor, just because I wanna fucking just work on them already I am tired of being in recovery limbo. So I am just glad to have my sister back in my life, because he is one of the few people that gets me, and doesn't judge me, well at least not anymore.

It's my life...and it's now or never...

Well this has been a tumultuous couple of days for me, a rollercoaster of emotions, if you will. The day after my last blog I began regretting a lot of what I said, and the decision I made of resetting my time. It just has not sat right with my heart to do so. To be honest, the main reason that I did so was to save my friendship with my “best friend” Nick, which by the way it didn't do. Yesterday afternoon he told me that he needed to rethink our friendship and was wanting some space. I am of course torn up about it, and very resentful at not having followed my heart. So this is what I am going to do, I am going to keep my time in CMA meetings, and identify as a newcomer at AA meetings. Some people might think that I will weasel myself out of identifying as a newcomer by not going to AA meetings, but only the opposite is true; other than my secretarial commitment on Saturdays at the CMA meeting I started, I will be going to AA meetings instead, and opening my mind and heart to the fact that I may be an alcoholic, and I will work my 12 steps accordingly. This is what feels right in my heart. I have also stopped beating myself up over the two staff members that lost their jobs after my opening my mouth, firstly because one of them knew what we were doing was wrong, and we still did it anyway, so it is as much his fault as it is mine. Secondly, I was told by the program director that the second staff member left on amicable terms, and was not based on my mistaken drunken statement. I have been told by many people in the program, that I go to meetings not for others, but for myself and that I should follow what is true to my heart. I may not be the most popular person in the rooms, but as long as I am taking care of my sobriety I don't feel like I am endangering others. I am ready to loose more friends, whatever doesn't kill me will only make me stronger, I hope. My feelings are the following, I have many friends who quit doing meth all on their own, and still drink; they have friends, lives, careers, their lives have not stopped functioning because of it, am I 100% sure that I am like them? No, I am not, but that is something that I have been exploring for the last 5 years, and so far I have only done meth once because of alcohol. If I were to give up something because of one bad experience I would not be able to do a lot of things in my life, for example I fucked up my first haircut...if I had stopped because of that then I wouldn't have learned how to pay attention to what I was doing, and I would not have learned that I can be a great hairdresser. So I will keep my promise of not drinking till I am done with my twelve steps, but I will not censor myself to make others love me anymore. I have to be honest with the world, because as they say “it is a program of honesty”...

So the video I am gonna post, is the title of this blog post. Here is Bon Jovi, with “It's My Life”!