Well this has been a tumultuous couple of days for me, a rollercoaster of emotions, if you will. The day after my last blog I began regretting a lot of what I said, and the decision I made of resetting my time. It just has not sat right with my heart to do so. To be honest, the main reason that I did so was to save my friendship with my “best friend” Nick, which by the way it didn't do. Yesterday afternoon he told me that he needed to rethink our friendship and was wanting some space. I am of course torn up about it, and very resentful at not having followed my heart. So this is what I am going to do, I am going to keep my time in CMA meetings, and identify as a newcomer at AA meetings. Some people might think that I will weasel myself out of identifying as a newcomer by not going to AA meetings, but only the opposite is true; other than my secretarial commitment on Saturdays at the CMA meeting I started, I will be going to AA meetings instead, and opening my mind and heart to the fact that I may be an alcoholic, and I will work my 12 steps accordingly. This is what feels right in my heart. I have also stopped beating myself up over the two staff members that lost their jobs after my opening my mouth, firstly because one of them knew what we were doing was wrong, and we still did it anyway, so it is as much his fault as it is mine. Secondly, I was told by the program director that the second staff member left on amicable terms, and was not based on my mistaken drunken statement. I have been told by many people in the program, that I go to meetings not for others, but for myself and that I should follow what is true to my heart. I may not be the most popular person in the rooms, but as long as I am taking care of my sobriety I don't feel like I am endangering others. I am ready to loose more friends, whatever doesn't kill me will only make me stronger, I hope. My feelings are the following, I have many friends who quit doing meth all on their own, and still drink; they have friends, lives, careers, their lives have not stopped functioning because of it, am I 100% sure that I am like them? No, I am not, but that is something that I have been exploring for the last 5 years, and so far I have only done meth once because of alcohol. If I were to give up something because of one bad experience I would not be able to do a lot of things in my life, for example I fucked up my first haircut...if I had stopped because of that then I wouldn't have learned how to pay attention to what I was doing, and I would not have learned that I can be a great hairdresser. So I will keep my promise of not drinking till I am done with my twelve steps, but I will not censor myself to make others love me anymore. I have to be honest with the world, because as they say “it is a program of honesty”...
So the video I am gonna post, is the title of this blog post. Here is Bon Jovi, with “It's My Life”!
9 years ago
Okay, setting the record straight here, because the "program director" has only given you half the story, which is very typical of him. While I was making the decision to resign, at the same time the "program director" had decided to terminate me. So when I went in to the office at 4:00PM with my "I think it's best if I resign..." speech, there was already a termination notice signed by the program director waiting for me as well as my final paychecks...which, btw, weren't worth the price of the ink they were printed with. So, unfortunately, my leaving the company WAS partially based on your drunken statements, but mostly based on the "program director" misconstruing my words and using them against me. I would NEVER EVER in a million years encourage anyone in rehab to drink nor would I even remotely suggest that it is okay for someone in rehab to drink, as long as they don't use crystal meth. What I've always said is, while you are in rehab, and while you are under the care of the particular rehab I worked for and you were a client of, is that we preach abstinence from EVERYTHING. What I have also said is, if you are questioning "alcoholism", 1)Again, complete abstinence from everything while in rehab/sober living, 2) it is suggested that if you are questioning alcoholism that you try staying away from it anyway for a year or two and finally 3) if in doubt, you should talk it through with your sponsor, talk it over with other people in the program who might be having similar feelings, and REEAAALLLLY take a good, long, hard, and thoroughly honest look at yourself before you come to any conclusions. Unfortunately for me, my words were twisted into saying "Oh, it's okay to drink as long as you don't use crystal meth", and I want to make it VERY clear that those words have NEVER come out of my mouth.
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