Come out, come out, wherever you are...

So I got my copy of Entertainment Weekly last Friday with the lovely Adam whats his name from American Idol...I have not been watching American Idol this season, actually not since the second or third season have I invested any time or caring for anyone on this show; but this article brought up something that really gets on my last gay nerve. Famous gay people, who I know are gay, who aren't out of the closet. They seem to be everywhere I look right now. I turn on CNN and there is Mr. Closet himself Anderson Cooper...who I believe has no real reason to stay in the closet, I remember seeing him every Saturday night at The Roxy in NYC, shaking his groove thing with all the other gay boys to Victor and Peter. I mean this is nothing new, for stars to be in the closet, of course...I mean way back to Rock Hudson gays have had to stay in the closet, but I imagined in the day of Melissa, Ellen, Elton, and the likes younger artists would feel more comfortable coming out. I remember when I was doing my party in NYC called Pop Rocks! and Lance Bass would not come to it because he didn't want people to know he was gay, and yet the very straight and comfortable Joey Fatone came by to check us out, I love him immensely by the way! GRRRRRR I'd like me some of that hot cub action! ANYWHOO I digress...there's of course my compatriot Ricky Martin, who should fucking get his ass out of that closet already, nobody gives a shit! And then there is the lovely world of Star Trek where we have already had Mr. Zulu (George Takai) come out of the closet, why can't the new Mr. Spock (Zachary Quinto) come out? I used to see him all the time hanging out at MJ's when I worked there, I just wished these Hollywood people didn't feel the need to stay in the closet, and while were on the sci fi note, can I just express my grievance of there being no gay characters in science fiction TV or film? I was very happy at first when I saw two guys kiss on a Battlestar Galactica webisode, but then it pissed me off that it wasn't included in the show itself. It was just frustrating to me as a huge Sci Fi geek that in these worlds were robots come to life and kill us, and alien men can have babies, there can't be two happy normal men or women who are in love and in a relationship!

As real as it may seem...it was only in my dreams...

So I have no shame in saying that I relapsed last night...in my dreams...it's been a LONG while since I had a using dream, and it feels weird. The weird part is that I didn't feel remorse in my dream, I thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it, but when I woke up I did breath a sigh of relief knowing where I was, and that I was safe, right next to my kitty. I have no desire to relapse on meth, a drink still sounds terrific to me, and if I weren't living in a sober living I would TOTALLY have a glass of wine with dinner, or a beer at a bar. Lots of people in the program look down on that, and I understand where they are coming from, I know that alcohol can lead to drugs. It did twice for me, once being the first time I did crystal meth and the second time being the last relapse I had, but I feel that it was actually alcohol paired with a low self esteem that drove me back to meth. Also, alcohol hasn't exactly been my greatest friend, I do have two DUI s, but anyway who knows!? Am I an alcoholic? Maybe, maybe not...but that is not something I am going to be testing anytime soon...for now I shall enjoy using in my dreams only, and leave it at that.

Lies, Lies, Lies, Yeah!

So I went to my doctor a couple of days ago to get a letter from him about getting my mini-sabbatical from school. I figured he'd Mariah Carey me and say I was suffering from exhaustion, which isn't a lie, but instead he wrote that I had bacterial pneumonia.

The thing that is tripping me is the god damn 12 step program(s)...you are supposed to have a program of honesty, but I am pretty sure that if I just said I needed a little break they wouldn't grant me the break...which you may say, well then maybe that is God telling you not to; but I feel that if I don't take a break I may just collapse from exhaustion or worse yet relapse out of frustration. I know this could have been a learning experience, but I feel like it is one already. I have learned about not over committing myself to things, so when I am done with the AALA show, I will not take on any new commitments. I am slightly breaking that though, by helping my friend Tim Permanent with his show for Pride, but I told him that he's got me for the next two weeks to help him out a lot, and then after that I will probably only be able to see him once a week, the show isn't that far off, so I feel like I have to put my priorities back up, sobriety, school, then work...so if I feel like I am doing too much then I may have to drop out, but I don't think I will have to put that plan to effect. We'll see...so I will live with the belief that I am not a liar since I didn't lie myself...we'll see how that works for me...lol.

Anyway, it being Saturday I wanna share a song that gets the rocker girl in me, and whenever I DJ rock n' roll I always play this rockin' song!! So here you are with Lita Ford's “Kiss Me Deadly”

It's not so much do what you like, as it is that you like what you do

Those lyrics from Stephen Sondheim's genius song Children and Art, from my favorite musical of his Sunday in the Park with George; have become my motto during this sobriety, and in this stage in my life. If you asked me “what do you like to do, what would you wanna spend the rest of your life doing that would bring you endless pleasure?” my answer would very easily be, musicals. I could sing, dance, and act all day long, that is my passion, but I have wasted a lot of my parents money attempting to conquer that goal, well a half ass attempt to be quite honest. So when I was sitting in my hairdressers chair for my first haircut while I was in rehab, and asked him for a job as a receptionist at his salon, and he returned that with a “you know, you always come in with such amazing, creative ideas for me, why don't you go to school for hair”, I thought to myself, well its not musical theater, but I do love being creative, and I could definitely see myself growing to love this art. So even though I would drop my scissors in an instant to do a musical, I realized that if I do want to follow that dream someday, I have to do it after I am self supporting through my own contributions. So I am going to school to be a hairdresser so that when I have enough stability I can go out on auditions, and try my hand at musicals again. It will be a while before I can do that, but I will be able to do that someday, and that is what I am working towards, my dream is not dead, it's just on hold for now, and it is things like the AALA show that let me express myself in that way that help me in hanging in there, so I am grateful for my growth and look forward to becoming the man that I am supposed to be.

Get up, stand up; stand up for your rights...

So I have felt like speaking up on something for the last couple of weeks, but I didn't wanna cause a ruckus! I have felt that the two numbers that I am featured in, in the AALA show have been neglected because they aren't complete train wrecks like others are; and there are a couple of things that have been going by the waste side, some of the dancers are sloppy, some of our choreography isn't finished, you know little things like that. I kept waiting for somebody else to bring it up, or for the director to notice and do something about it. So, with two weeks left till the show goes up, and still nothing I decided to finally let the director know how I was feeling. I wrote him that I didn't wanna sound like a diva, but that I have the same goal as he does, for the show to be amazing and flawless, and that I felt because my numbers weren't dancing disasters that they had been neglected, I must have written “please don't hate me” at least 5 times in the whole email (because I am too chicken shit to actually bring it up in person). The director could NOT have been any nicer about it, and I don't know if he was just trying to stroke my ego, or if he was truthful, or who knows, both...but he said “you shine so brightly in those two numbers that even if it all fell apart around you, no one would really notice” he also stated that my degree of professionalism makes his job a lot easier. So I felt very good about myself, and it only makes me want to work harder for the show. So I got my ego stroked, but I also feel like I grew as a person because I was always the quiet one, who never wanted to cause any trouble, and not that I did, but I would have never stood up and expressed my concerns 9 months ago, so yahy for me!

Just breathe...

So I have been resting at home for the last couple of days thanks to a little gift I got called pink eye, and boy I could not be any happier! For once I have an honest to God good reason for not doing anything, and just resting my tired ass. At first I thought, how the hell could I have gotten pink eye...and then I spoke to both my doctor and my father who is a doctor, other than getting it from someone else who has it, you can also get it from stress, and sure it may be silly “white people problems” that I am stressed out about, but I am stressed out nonetheless, so I have decided to take a three week break from school, I haven't gotten the OK from them yet, but I am pretty sure that I will get the OK from them. I mean my stresses in my life are school, meetings, the AALA show, doing my chores at home, choreographing for my friend Tim's show,getting my party Betty Ford Lounge organized and none of those are life or death, but they are still all piled up one on top of the other.

I am definitely NOT quitting school under any circumstance, I have finally gotten my mojo for cutting hair, and I no longer lack self confidence in my abilities, I just feel like I could be a lot more focused on the things I have going on in my life if I took these next three weeks off; after which I will be done with the show and I will start my new full time schedule at school. I am hoping that I can take these next couple of weeks to immerse myself in the show, and in taking care of myself, and most importantly giving myself some breathing room so that when I do start this new schedule I will go at it full force, and not be so stressed from not having any breaks that I will regret doing it. I think it is the best thing for me to do. Anyway, I guess I will find out tomorrow when I speak to the woman at school who decides all these things. Wish me luck!

I remember how those boys could dance...

Well I have definitely been a busy little bee, haven't had much time to relax but I am grateful of course, as it keeps me out of trouble! I've been busy with the usual, you know meetings, school, and the AALA show...but as if all of that wasn't enough I have added something fabulous to my plate. May 17th marks the debut of my new party called Betty Ford Lounge, it is a sober tea dance party held the third Sunday of every month at the bar I used to work at, MJ's.

There are many reasons why I took it upon myself to start this thing out, first of all clubs are what I know. I know how to create parties, promote them, get them started up and running and making them successful, this is something I am very comfortable with, and I do not feel endangered by being in a bar environment as I stayed clean and sober for 6 months while I was working there, and then the rest of the time I was just clean :-)

But another very important reason that I created this party was as a fund raiser for my recovery house, Frank's house, as a proceed of the earnings will go to the house, as well as all donations, so thats a great way of being of service.

So I am glad to get my name out there again, even if it isn't as a DJ or VJ, which was kinda hard for me to let go off, I had to realize that I don't have to be the center of attention all the time, and that I may not be the best DJ/VJ for the occasion, but I will get there again soon. Anyway I am grateful to have this new opportunity in my life.

Anyway my video for the night, is one of my favorite hip hop songs of all time, and I had been looking for this version of it for the longest time, and I am so glad to finally have found it on youtube...here are Angie Martinez, Lil' Kim, Lisa “Left Eye” Lopez, Da Brat and Missy Elliot performing their hit “Not Tonight(Lady's Night) on the MTV VMAs.



Oh and btw if anyone knows where my title comes from you will be my love FOREVER!