God I hope I get it, I hope I get it, how many people does he need?

Wow today was a pretty good day for me, it was my usual kick back day of catching up on my TiVo, but then I got to audition for the AALA Roundup's annual show for the convention. It was a great experience, I hadn't auditioned for a show in YEARS, almost a decade now. My self esteem going in there was pretty high, I have learned in sobriety to be self confident. I mean after all I did get into the advanced classes at boarding school, and I was cast in the first production freshman year at Wagner College, with Mr. Queer Eye himself Jai Rodriguez! And it was rare for freshmen to be cast in the first production of the year. So I pretty much nailed it I think, I got into the show, but then again everyone gets into the show (I found out later), I will start rehearsals next week and hopefully I will get a good role. My head did trip a little on the bus ride home, I was thinking that maybe I wasn't good enough or something because they did tell all of us there that we should all show up next week. I should just be grateful to have this opportunity to get back into my Broadway shoes, and I am. Trying to get outside validation is, or at least should be, old behavior for me, but one step at a time Missy one step at a time.
I am way tired, so I will share the audition details tomorrow, when I am lucid and more clear headed. Nighty night y'all!


Anyway, my music video pick for this week is an oldie but definitely a goody! The incomparable Mama Cass singing “Make Your Own Kind of Music”.

And if you must be going, I will understaaaaaaaaaaand...

So a couple of days ago I got some mixed news. My best friend, who I have blogged about before, the one who was still out using meth, has been sent back to rehab (hurray) in San Francisco (awwwwwwwww). I guess it's really selfish of me to want him to stay in LA to make me happy. I guess my biggest fears are that he'll fall in love with San Francisco and he'll stay there, and that he may meet someone who he likes more than me as a friend. The first concern is not that hard for me, because San Francisco is only a 6 hour drive away, so we could always visit each other if need be, but the meeting someone who he would be better friends with is my biggest worry, it would totally break my heart. It was everyone's worry in rehab that I was only surrounding myself with him, which was a totally valid concern because I did make him the center of my universe for a while, but I do feel that I have been opening myself up to others for a while now. I have many friends in the program, and now even in school, but there is something about him that just always brings a smile to my face. He gets me and my sense of humor completely, he has also helped me in building my self esteem whether he knows it or not. His total lack of care for what others think of him totally rubbed off on me, he helped me grow into the man that I am today, and I would be extremely sad if I lost him. I guess I just have to leave the future up to God, and just cope with whatever happens, one day at a time.

Shut up, just shut up shut up! Shut it up, just shut up shut up!

Ok I am officially back to hating Elizabitch Hasselback, I of course hated her when she came on. At first it was because the other young republican contender was Rachel Campos from the Real World San Francisco, who as you may remember became very close to one of my heroes Pedro Zamora! But I digress, when they brought Sherry in I thought in comparison Elizabeth tho wrong, was at least a smart girl. But lately with the Obama administration in the White House, she is doing the exact same thing that Joy always did with Bush and other republicans and just automatically opposing whatever they were saying or doing, or defending that dumb Sarah Palin, YUCK! But today she turned two topics into her own agenda without any of it making any sense! So now there are officialy, in my head (i'm sure most of you got there a billion years ago) two idiots on the View, Sherry and Elizabitch!

What have you done today to make you feel proud? It's never too late to try

What an amazing day for me today, 6 months and one day ago I was all cracked out in my garbage infested apartment, having been locked in there for 2 weeks with only 4 hours of sleep total, and I have to thank my family for helping to get the old me back. You see when I was all cracked out, I had definitely lost my true self, I didn't remember half the lyrics to some of my favorite pop and Broadway songs, I couldn't care about season finales of shows, THATS how I knew that I was so far gone! But thanks to my mother calling my sister, and then her and her husband showing up at my door telling me they loved me and wanted me to just get better, that was my moment of clarity, my A-HA moment as Oprah would say, where I knew that it all had to come to an end. Cut to 6 months later, I am three months into hair school, I have TONS of friends who I love, and who love me. I've unfortunately had to see some of them go back out there, but I no longer revolve around their lives and all I can do is pray for them, and love them, and not try and rescue them anymore; at least not to the point where I am jeopardizing my sobriety.

I picked an amazing sponsor because of what he has, and not because I thought he was hot. I am totally being of service, I have started a CMA meeting that is a success, I have trained, and will soon start volunteer work for the CMA Help Line.

I have also found a greater connection with my higher power, in a totally new level. But most importantly I have become my true self, I am an improved version of the old Gerson. I have the same spirit, sense of humor, charisma but now I am equipped with this amazing sense of self esteem, I am proud of who I am, I am proud of where I've come and I know where I am going. Today is a great day for me, I could not feel any happier, and I wanna thank all those people in my life who are there for me when I need them.

And since I've already shared the video for the original version I will give props to the version that introduced me to this post's title...the final scene of Queer as Folk, one of my favorite shows, and yet another example of my Mary (Brian)/Rhoda (Michael) reference.

I feel sixteen, going on seventeen

So I started reading a couple of other peoples blogs and saw that it wasn't all serious all the time, so I figured I'd share the little minutia's of life, for example I was shaving a couple of days ago getting ready to go to school as always, and I made a boo boo and shaved too much of my mustache, so my only two options were to shave it all off, or to do the Hitler mustache, and I don't think my family would appreciate it very much! I hate the way I look, because ever since I was in high school I've wanted to look older, but apparently somebody liked it, cause I was leaving my shrink's office yesterday and this really hot guy was going in, and he TOTALLY was checking me out...and I am totally gonna slip him my number next week...tee hee! Anyway here I am...all clean shaven...but not for long!

It's so hard to say goodbye, to yesterday...

I had a very sad night last night, yesterday I had found out that my best friend was seen at a meeting in town (he usually lives in Palm Springs) I had finally badgered him into picking me up after my usual 6 o'clock meeting, which he did. I was looking forward to it all day, so when he picked me up we drove around for a while and sat down for a couple of drinks (non alcoholic of course), first of all he was skinny as all hell and looked like shit, don't get me wrong he looked good for a drug addict, but it wasn't the same best friend that I totally fell head over heels for almost 6 months ago. He wasn't laughing as much as he had before, and was just not all there. He proceeded to inform me that the only reason he was in town was because last night he drove in from Palm Springs to go to the Hollywood Spa (a popular bathhouse here in town) and that after being there for 16 hours he went to a coffee shop to send out resumes (read: go online to get some more dick) this coffee shop is close to this place called the Log Cabin, where a lot of the popular West Hollywood 12 step meetings occur. He was sitting at his computer, “sending out resumes” and kept seeing people from the program he took that as a God shot telling him to go to a meeting. Anyway halfway through our little rendezvous he started getting texts one after the other one, and then he started looking at his watch. He finally said that he had to go, because the guy who's couch he was crashing on (though earlier on in the night he had told me he was going home after our little meeting) had to go to bed early (read : I need to get high and fucked again)...as we were heading back to the car, I jokingly said “if your in THAT big of a hurry you can just drop me off at a 711 a couple of blocks away and then I could walk the rest of the way home (which in reality wasn't that big of a walk, but seeing as he was in a hurry to get rid of me to get high, I was truly hurt) anyway he begrudgingly drove me home. As he parked next to my house, I grabbed his face made him stare into my eyes, and told him I loved him, and that I would be there for him whenever he needed me, he did NOT want to hear/see me. I walked out a broken man, I proceeded to call my friends who were very supportive and loving, they did what they needed to do...listen to me. It was very healing for me to be heard, and to let my emotions out! It was also brought to my attention that I probably did the exact same thing when I was high, which is so true. My friends, family, work were the last thing on my mind when I was getting fucked up, so I guess it was a taste of my own medicine, and let me tell you I didn't enjoy it very much. So I wrote him a long email letting him know that I could not see him in that condition anymore, that it hurt me to see him that way, and that it hurt to be less important than some stranger with drugs and cock. Anyway it has been quite cathartic to write this, and I am feeling a lot better.

Who can turn the world on with a smile? Who can take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all seem worth while?

There is some famous dialogue from the movie Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion about who was the Mary and who was the Rhoda, of course referring to the classic Mary Tyler Moore Show, the first couple of times that I saw the movie I got the general jist of it which was that Mary was the pretty one, and Rhoda was the funny sidekick. It wasn't until I started checking out episodes of the show on Hulu that I really began to understand what they meant by it.

After watching a couple of episodes it was plain to see that I was definitely the Rhoda in most of my adult friendships. Not just because I was the funny sidekick but because whenever Mary was in the room, Rhoda always seemed to be ignored, and boy could I identify with that in a major way. I have had two major relationships that totally fit into this situation, that was with my best friend Eric (aka KnuckleCrack) and more recently with my best friend Chad.

You see they are both drop dead gorgeous men, and I will have to admit that with both of them our relationship began with me being totally head over heels in love with them. I wanted the big wedding the 2.5 children and the beautiful house in the Hills and brownstone in NYC, but alas they were never attracted to me in that way. Usually when this happens to me I just move on and go about my life, but something amazing happened with these two gentlemen besides being shining examples of the male species they turned out to be amazing men, that got me completely, and who I got as well.

Our relationships would be amazing one on one or in small groups at someone's house, but the whole Mary/Rhoda thing would rear its ugly head anytime we would go out to a social situation such as a club, or a 12 step meeting. You see, them being these totally hot Adonises they would get all of the attention in the room, and me being the attention whore that I am would get insanely jealous of them. Most attention whores crave attention because they didn't get it as a child but for me that is the total opposite experience, I wasn't the only child but I might as well have been, because my parents were ALWAYS there for me and coddled my every need and want. So with Eric I still hadn't dealt with these issues and I would constantly go home and cry, or use meth because he would get the hot man ALWAYS, but luckily for me I met Chad in rehab, and I got to explore all these different feelings in a safe environment.

I got to go through all these feelings of insecurity while I was in rehab, I spoke about them in group and with my counselors and therapist, and even with Chad himself, and I have grown as a man immensely since then, in fact it was Chad's high self esteem that rubbed off on me to the degree that I began to have total self confidence in my looks, personality and abilities, and for that I am truly thankful.

My song pick for this week is a song that always tugs at my heart when it comes to my great friends, and that is Alanis Morissete's “Everything”! LOVE YA GIRL!

Have you ever been low? Have you ever had a friend who let you down so?

In working the 12 steps, the first one is to admit I am powerless over crystal meth. I have done so with no problem whatsoever, that is a total given, the hard thing for me to do is to realize that I am powerless over my friends' actions. I find my self in a couple of situations where I want to tell people what to do, or rescue them, but it just wouldn't be right for me to do so.

First one is with one of my friends, he is truly somebody really close to me, I love him to death, but the god damn disease of addiction has overrun him again. He sees no light at the end of the tunnel, he wants to quit, but he doesn't feel like he can. I can totally identify deeply with his struggle, I have been in his position many times, and it was only for the grace of God that I was able to get back. I want to just slap him upside the head and get some sense back into him, but alas that would not be a safe place for me, as I might be tempted when I see him all fucked up. So I have to just let it go, and pray that he gets back here sooner rather than later and in somewhat healthy conditions.

The second situation is one of my other closest friends (I sure know how to pick 'em) he relapsed a couple of weeks ago with his boyfriend, luckily it only lasted for a couple of days and not months or years like me. After one day of tweeking his insanity came right back, everyone around him saw this. So thanks to his little run he has a clearer picture of what he wants to do with his life (i.e. stay sober, focus on work, getting some stable friendships) the sad part is that his boyfriend is a functioning tweeker, there is hardly any psychosis and he can go about regular menial things with no problem, so he has decided to keep tweeking. At first he tried to hide this, explaining that he forgot to let his boyfriend know where he was at ( for 12 hours), and that even though he was at his dealer's house he was not using, he was merely helping him paint. The poor sap believed him at first, but when he did this a second time he had told me that he couldn't believe that he could've fallen for that crap. To make all of this even better, their roommate has also relapsed and has proceeded to go extremely crazy. My poor friend didn't know what to do. His friends and loved ones told him to get out of there immediately, to stay with sober friends until he can figure out what to do next. This was the plan we had concocted before I went to school yesterday, but then I called him after school to see if he wanted me to stop by and visit for some cheering up, and his boyfriend was there, and it seemed like business as usual “ no no, he's fine, we're fine, I'm good thanks...”

Yes I know that none of this is ANY of my business, but I do care for these two men so much, they have so much potential in them to be great contributing members of society, and the rescuer in me wants to get in there and fix it all, but my priorities are different now. I have to take care of myself and my sobriety first and foremost. So I decided to merely vent my frustrations out on here hoping that it may lift any anxiety I may have stemming from this.

We are young, heartache to heartache, we stand, no promises no demands...

LOVE is a battlefield! So the sometimes dreaded sometimes highly anticipated St. Valentine's Day is here once again. This day usually gets me down, but not for the obvious reason. You see 8 years ago today was when I was diagnosed with HIV, some days I am totally fine with it, other days it gets to me to have gotten this disease so young, but I feel like it has been a blessing in disguise. It has taught me adversity and has taught me to be a stronger man.

Anywho, on a lighter note I I haven't DATED dated someone for almost 7 years now, I've had plenty of sex and plenty of crushes but neither have led me to my other half, so I figured I would share with you my list of qualities for my ideal man, and maybe someone out there could set me up with the right man.

1.Age appropriate 30 – 40
2.Masculine looks, feminine personality
3.Knows what he wants in life
4.HIV +
5.Drug free
6.EXTREMELY filthy in the sack
7.Smart and cultured ( Someone who can hold down a conversation and go to rock or classical concerts, and of course the theater)
8.Great sense of humor
9.MUST LOVE Disneyland/World!
10.Can share the spotlight
11.Good dancer
12.Stable career
13.Loves to socialize
14.But also can enjoy a quiet night at home all snuggled up in front of the boob tube
15.Animal lover (i.e. not allergic to them)
16.Must love to travel
17.Family oriented ( I may want kids someday)
18.Has his own friends
19.Adventurous
20.Compassionate


And as far as looks are concerned I usually like white or Latin guys, anywhere from skinny geeky boys to husky bearish men, WOOF! I know that someday my prince will come, but I am getting a little anxious about it, I miss holding someone in my arms, and doing sweet romantic things just for the hell of it Hope everyone has a fabulous valentine's day!

As for my song for today, I used to listen to this song repeatedly while I was coming down off of meth, hoping that the message would fucking sink in sooner or later. I loved it before the fatties at the Biggest Loser started using it, and I loved her when she was Movin on up with the M People; so I give you Heather Small's “Proud”.

Gimme a head with hair, long beautiful hair...

So as I mentioned a couple of days ago I have finally gotten my hair stylist mojo. You see I felt like I was at a disadvantage when I started hair school, I didn't grow up doing my friends hair (like most girls in class) and I didn't have my passion for hair growing up, I had (and still have) a musical theater bug. I knew what a couple of things were because I love getting my hair done and my ex was a hairdresser.

The first month and a half of school I felt like a total retard, I couldn't get the jist of any of the procedures and nothing was sinking in, for a while I felt like maybe I had made a mistake in choosing this as my field of work, but then a couple of weeks ago we started studying men's haircutting. Suddenly, everything clicked with me, I found my own way of taking in the information and executing it. I suddenly became really good at it, I was finishing my haircuts before everyone else in class, even those who had been there since August (I started in December), and I wasn't cutting corners, or doing a lousy job, I was doing the haircut we were supposed to with the desired outcome.

From that day on my self esteem as far as hair styling is concerned has been growing exponentially and I have total confidence that slowly but surely I will master all haircuts presented to me and that I will make a great hairdresser some day.

Lord I'm doin' all I can, to be a better man...

What the fuck is wrong with me. An old character flaw of mine has just been activated, I totally feel like I've been a sleeper Cylon and I have just been activated to duty (geeky Battlestar Galactica reference) , anywho so there is this guy who I was sort of interested in when I met him, but as I got to know him it was clear to me that he was more of a person I would be friends with, rather than someone I was genuinely interested in romantically. Anyway, I JUST got home a few minutes ago all excited because I am the KING (well, QUEEN to be totally honest) of men's haircutting...which I will talk about at a later time, and I find this guy all cuddled up with one of my housemates.

Seeing them all cozy like that totally irked the living shit out of me, and I fucking hate that feeling. I mean its not like I want to date either one of them, I guess it's that stupid thinking of “If I can't have you, nobody else can either”...which I know is totally fucked up, but that is just how I felt. I was totally passive aggressive with them too, they told me I had mail, and I was trying to rummage through the pile that I did see in the dark dinner table, and couldn't find any, and when my housemate suggested I turn on the light, I said something along the lines of “I wouldn't wanna ruin you dark romantic lighting”. MEOW! RIGHT? Sheesh, what a bitch I was...anyway I've been taught that in order to get out of your head you should share it with someone, so hey why not share it on my blog, and just acknowledge my crappy way of thinking and just making myself into a better man.

Here comes the sun, here comes the sun, and I saaaay...never go away!

So after a yummy and gloomy couple of days filled with rain, and dark clouds the sun finally came out to play today. And what a better day for me to pretty myself up and go to temple. I went over to Kol Ami one of the lovely gay temples here in town for shabbat services, and though it wasn't the packed house and “seen and be seen” event that I had experienced in the past, it was a truly beautiful service. It focused on escaping the shackles of slavery, and the whole parting of the red sea bit. There were about 35 of us there, and even though I didn't know what the hell I was saying half the time, I still enjoyed the spiritual journey I got to go on. Everyone was very friendly and welcoming to me, and not in the creepy “ooohhhh new meat” kinda way, which was a nice change of pace! Afterwards I walked over to Borders to get some books on judaism and dieting (not Jewish dieting, since I do love my bacon cheeseburgers, God will forgive me for this I think) and took the bus home. It's been a pretty quiet day, I have yet to turn on my TV yet, which is a real change of pace for me, I'm usually glued to the TV whenever I'm home, but I decided to write out my blog for the day, and then work on my step 2 assignment, which oddly enough is to write a “want ad” for my higher power. I think after today that will be quite the easy task for me. Everything seems to be falling into place for me, I have finally gotten my hairstylist mojo, and I'm maintaining a pretty balanced and enriched sobriety this time around. The friend situation is a bit frustrating, mostly because a lot of the people I have grown close to have relapsed lately, but it has not over taken my life, and I have only God to thank for that! Jesus Christ, I'm starting to sound like a freakin Jesus freak, minus the Jesus, which I'm not! The last thing I want to do is push my religious beliefs onto others, I just merely wanted to share my amazing day with y'all...all two of you! Anyway, hope your days are as amazing as mine. Sort of along this religious line of thinking I wanna share one of my favorite videos from my high school days, I couldn't believe that these queens were so popular back then! I love me some hot tranny messes!

Rain, feel it on my fingertips, hear it on my window pane

So poor little me has been sick as a dog for the last couple of days, I tried braving it out yesterday and went to school, but as soon as I got home my meds wore off and I hit a fever of 101, jinkies is right Velma! ;-) It's a bit strange for me to not be babied when I am sick, I am so used to my mommy taking care of me, or friends waiting on me hand and foot. Here everyone is going on with their own lives and it's just me and my kitty sleeping all day, and watching shit like the View (I LOVE me my girls on The View, my day would not be complete without the back and fourth banter from my ladies!) Anyway I've spent all day resting, eating my healthy food, studying for my test tomorrow, but mostly just enjoying the lovely rain we are having. I love our occasional bursts of rain here in sunny Cali, it's a nice refreshing change of pace. It calms everyone even more than usual, and nothing relaxes me more than hearing the rain, and boy do I need to relax. I have had quite an eventful week, ive started to clean up the wreckage of my past, and I've decided to start getting ready to go to court in order to take care of my legal woes, which I will fill you in soon...but not tonight, the nyquil is kicking in and I'm gonna enjoy it before I head to bed!

If you wanna take a guy home with you tonight, it's none of my business!

So being in rehab for two months, has opened me up to exploring my character deflects and working on them. Just recently I have decided to take a look at my problem of not minding my own business. Whenever I sniff out some gossip or drama, I feel the need to run to it, luckily it hasn't gotten me into trouble just yet, but I've come dangerously close.

A couple of weeks ago, I mentioned to a guy at a meeting that I had seen his ex at another meeting; first off that was wrong of me because the last word is ANONYMOUS, second of all when I mentioned this to him he became a bit irate, and had said that he had been trying to put that relationship behind him. Last Monday, for the first time that I know of they both showed up at the same meeting, and one of them started a fight with someone else and walked out yelling at some third party from the meeting. I proceeded to ask the one who was still at the meeting if he knew what the hell that was about, and in the midst of him saying that he didn't know I was totally overwhelmed by the fact that it was really non of my business. I have stuck my nose in places where it didn't belong for too long, and it has never brought me anything but drama.

So having made this self realization I have decided to work on it as much as I can, and to just mind my own business.

Cause you're freeeeeeeee to do what you wanna do

Somewhere in that lovely big book of alcoholics anonymous it says “we are not a glum lot” and last night was an amazing example of that saying. Last night I went to an amazing sober birthday party for two of my fellow addict/alcoholics Andrew and Brian! I have had plenty of fun in sobriety, but last night was just way beyond any other time! The party was PACKED, and had the most amazing soundtrack provided by two amazing DJs Quinn and Eddie X. I am in such awe with those two, not only because they are amazing mix masters(each with their own amazing takes on music, Quinn with classic disco dance, and Eddie with all the amazing house remixes of today and yesterday), but because they are sober men with strong senses of who they are, they truly inspire me to be a better sober man, and they also give me hope on someday going back to getting behind the DJ booth!

The crowd was filled with anyone who is anyone in AA/CMA, and I made a realization, it's true that we, just like any group is filled with cliques and gossip, and bitching but at the end of the day we would still have each others back. I mean as I stared at this sea of all kinds of queens, from the west Hollywood AA bitches, to the silverlake tweekers we are all just so different but yet so alike. We all have a problem with addiction, whether it be with alcohol, meth, coke, crack, pot, pills, eating, not eating, we are just a bunch of broken people working hard as all hell to make ourselves better human beings. That is what I love about the program. My friends today come in all shapes and sizes; different socio-economic backgrounds, different upbringings, from all over the world, boys , girls, everything in between, every color and no matter what clique we belonged to in high school, college, or out in the gay world we are all here for the same thing, to recover and make a life full of love hope and freedom for ourselves. Anyway I'm starting to repeat myself, I'm still all worn out from dancing for 5 hours (damn that HIV and Hep C!!!! ) so I'll wrap this up as I get ready to go to a meeting.