You're beautiful, you're beautiful, it's true...

So I have made this very shallow observation about myself, most of my friends are fucking drop dead gorgeous. I never knew I was so shallow, but apparently I am. I feel like most of my friendships start off with me having a crush on them, and basically winning them over with my shinning personality, honesty, and humor (of course). This is probably the reason why I have developed my Rhoda complex. I have been trying to cope with that complex a lot lately because all these people I have crushes on just don't feel the same way about me, and I guess I gotta learn how to cope with it, and I also gotta stop putting myself down. I just got a brand new haircut a couple of days ago, my usual summer haircut : a Mohawk; and I have not felt this sexy in a while, it's certainly a nice change of pace from how I felt being all clean shaven, and “normal” haired (which I had to be for the musical I was in). I finally feel like I'm bringing sexy back. I have also been thinking back to why I pick these friendships, I think identify with remoras...those are the small fish that always swim alongside sharks, and feed off the shark's leftovers. I feel like thats what I have been doing for years, just hanging out with these hunky sexy men, and then kinda just attract those they don't take. I know see this as not being exactly the healthiest thing for me to do for my self esteem, and even though I am not going to be dumping any of my friends because they are drop dead gorgeous, I will start working harder on being so comfortable with myself that no one will ever be able to bring me down, no matter what happens. Let's see how that works out for me...

Anyway it being Saturday, my video pick of the week is one of my favorite songs by a rock chic...here is Blondie with Maria!

So divine, WHERE IS MINE!?

Sometimes I wonder if I enjoy beating myself up, or putting myself in situations that I know will hurt my feelings at some point. I just got home about an hour ago in the foulest of moods. The day started out calm enough, I slept in after a long exhausting weekend of super gay sobriety at a certain convention that I didn't know we aren't technically allowed to mention because it's against our traditions...AnywAy...last night, the show I was in Cirque D'Amazed went AMAZING, the audiences LOVED it and said it was the best show at this kind of convention that they had ever seen. The show IS amazing, and truly touching, and very relevant to what we are going through. During the last rehearsal, and the last show I was balling my eyes out, because it hit me that the show is over, and all these amazing friends I have made I will not see again every weekend like I am used to, and that I will no longer have this outlet for doing what I love doing the most, singing and dancing.

So I started out today with that sense of depression of it being over, plus I have these crushes on all these different guys who obviously don't feel the same way I do, they like me as a friend, and confidant, they ask for relationship advice, and tell me all about their problems with the men in their lives, and it hurts me. I will admit that most of my friendships do start with an attraction towards them, and I do what I do best...I make them laugh, and I also usually tell it like it is in every sense, except for the fact that I have an attraction to them, unless it's in my usual passive aggressive roundabout way of doing so with a joke. But all day, friend after friend after friend that I am attracted to keeps trusting in me all their troubles, so that started pilling on one by one. I think the final straw came when I went into the convention's dance tonight, and half of these boys were prancing around half naked go-go dancing, and it just made me feel less than, because of all this sober weight I've put on. I used to go go dance in NYC, and I just don't feel good enough to do it, I also feel so invisible to all these attractive people. I will definitely take these feelings tomorrow with me to the gym, to start my new workout regiment. I know that having a better body won't fix it all, I definitely have to work on my insides a little more. I have to trust in God's plan for me, I'm just not happy with the way his plan is going for me at the moment.

Anyway, I will share with you this bootleg of a song that kinda is how I feel today “Who will love me as I am?” from the Broadway show Side Show!

Don't Stop Believing...Hold On to That Feeling...

Wow, I just watched the pilot for Glee for the SECOND time...and the more I see it the more I fall in love with it. I was not surprised at all to find out that it was written by the same guys who did Popular on the WB a while back, which was/is one of my favorite shows on TV! The dark humor, interjected with some amazing singing really gets to me! It is so reminiscent of that last scene in Sister Act 2, which I love, and which happens to be my signature closing song when I DJ! My roommate asked me if it took me back to high school, and the truth is that it didn't because I was never truly harassed in high school very much. My freshman year I got the usual faggot, and such but after I joined the cheerleading squad and had all these girls backing me up, it all stopped. Besides I was a bit of a social floater, I hung out with every type of kid there was in high school, so I never felt bullied. I of course felt like an outcast till I came out, but what gay kid doesn't? The passion that these kids have in this show did bring me back to my days at Stagedoor where all these showtune queens were so passionate about musicals, and the weird thing is that most of us were ahead of our times. We were young teenagers that GOT the struggles of the characters in Chess, Nine, Sweeney Todd (well as much as a teenager can) but we were really into the message that musicals have, the social commentary on the war in Hair, the struggles of growing up in Nine, the dark side of the world in Sweeney Todd, they all have deep emotions in them and we got them...that was the passion that I saw in those kids performing in Glee, and the message of doing what you love is what I got out of it, and I fully intend on taking that spirit with me.

Be Italian, you rapscallion, live today as if it may become your last...

So as I was in the middle of rehearsal today, I overheard from all the way across the room the words nine, trailer, Fergie, fabulous all in one sentence which sent me running all the way across the room to investigate.

My wish then came true, I found out the the trailer to the new Rob Marshall movie, “Nine” was out...now let me tell you that Nine is my favorite musical of ALL TIME. I have a nostalgic story to why. As I actually mentioned a couple of days ago, I went to a theater camp in the Catskills called Stagedoor Manor, where I made lots of dear friends. One of which was this beautiful, troubled girl named Joanna Rappaport...and we became the best of friends instantly for many reasons, but what first drove us together was that we had the same last name (though mine is spelled Rapoport) but we were affectionately called The Two Rapoports (people would sing that to the tune of Two Ladies from Cabaret) anyway we became extremely close when we were both cast in Hair. After that show went up, and was over with, I was cast in Chess as the arbiter and she was cast in Nine as Luisa, the main character's wife...I was of course totally focused on my show, and also I had never seen or heard of Nine so I had no idea what they were going through. Both shows shared the same stage, so we got to see each other's dress rehearsals. The moment those lights went down at the end of Act 1 I was amazed and in tears at such a beautiful show. A show which touches me even more now, when I feel like I have to say goodbye to that immature little boy in me, and have to grow up and man up.

There is a tragic part to this story, and that is that about 5 or so years after I last saw her, I got a call from a mutual friend saying that Joanna had committed suicide. It didn't surprise me as she was a very broken woman, but it still killed me to no end that I wasn't more a part of her life after we had finished camp, she was after all the reason why I went to the performing arts boarding school that I went to.

On a lighter note, while I was in boarding school, during one of our brakes I took the train down to NYC to check out the first preview of the new musical Titanic, which is written by the same man as Nine, Maury Yeston, and I had the honor of meeting him and seeing what is another one of my top ten musicals of all time. I told him all about Stagedoor Manor and how much his musical meant to me, he was very gracious and hoped that I would enjoy his new work, which of course I did. So without further ado here is the trailer to the new movie NINE.

P.S. Can I just say how AMAZING Fergie is sounding!? What an amazing vocal performance, and not sure if many people know that Fergie was once a meth addict herself, which she has spoken about in past interviews so it's not like I'm breaking her anonymity. Anyway, enjoy Nine!

I'm beautiful, I'm beautiful, I'm beautiful DAMN IT!

So I just got home from gay night at Knotts Berry Farm, and I had quite a blast in general. My stomach and head are still reeling from all those rollercoaster rides, but more acutely my heart is kinda broken a bit, you see I went with this guy who I have a crush on, and of course I have NO BALLS to tell him so, I just joke around about it, but thats about as far as I go, because I am a passive aggressive being. I totally went through my usual Mary/Rhoda complex experience, which to those who don't know me is the following. I always pick friends and/or crushes that are way hotter than I am. They end up liking me because I am funny as all hell, and I make them laugh; but I always get my heart broken because I put myself in this situation. The situation being that we go into a social setting where they are the focus of everyones adoration, and I am always the side note, or the after thought. So this guy was hit on by a whole bunch of cute boys, and I got hit on by no one. It's bad enough that I feel fat, and disgusting because of all of my sober weight, but in my head all of my insecurities are reinforced by total strangers. I really have to get me some more self esteem, and I also need to get me to a gym, I have lost three pounds on this new diet I am on (no carbs after 4pm) but I am sure I would loose a lot more weight if I actually worked out a couple of times a week. I keep putting it off, but I honestly gotta just get off my lazy and ass just do it, so that my gym mojo can return. Anyway, I gotta keep on working on myself, otherwise I am gonna keep getting down on myself for no real reason. Because I AM beautiful, DAMN IT!

On that note, it being Saturday I will share one of my favorite dance songs by the same artists that wrote “I'm Beautiful Damn It!” The Uncanny Alliance, so here they are with their song “I got my education”!

Come out come out wherever you are, part 3

So, the year was still 1994 and my parents had found out I was gay in January, we had already signed me up for musical theater camp in the Catskills months earlier (as if THAT shouldn't have been warning enough about my gayness) , I remember my dad giving me a whole speech about being worried that “those theater gays” being a corruptive bunch...little did he know I was the one going around corrupting everyone else.

Anyway right before going to camp, my mom and I flew into NYC to catch some Broadway shows, and explore the city. My mom is such a trouper , she indulged me and walked around the Village with me, and she did the coolest thing: she bought me a pride necklace and my first copy of Out magazine (with Sandra Bernhard on the cover). After a couple of fabulous days enjoying the city, she dropped me off at the bus station and on I got on my bus up to the Catskills to enjoy my three weeks of musical theater heaven. I got off the bus, and got picked up, and when I was driving up to the property, I pulled out my pride necklace out of my bag and put it on. I fell in love with the place instantly, I had arrived at Stagedoor Manor (which is the camp that the movie CAMP is based on and shot in). Most kids were oblivious to what my necklace meant, they just thought it was cute. It took me a couple of days to acclimate, but I quickly got into groove of things, and became comfortable enough to shout it out from the rooftops, “I AM A BIG HOMO”. I had no shame whatsoever, I was finally free and able to be who I was without worrying about any repercussions.

So for the next two summers I would ecstatically await my departure to the gayest place on earth to be who I truly was, and come back home, to machismo-filled Puerto Rico, back to my closeted high school life. I mean, my best friend knew, and my family, but that was about the extent of it. Then my junior year came along, I was 100% sure that musical theater was what I wanted to do with my life, and so I convinced my parents to send me to a performing arts boarding school for my senior year. Midway through my junior year, I had already been accepted into boarding school, and I guess knowing that I would be away next year gave me a set of balls I didn't know I would grow. Well thats not true, I had been growing them little by little. I was the first full time male cheerleader in ALL of Puerto Rico, and when I came in 2nd and 3rd during my fictional writing competitions they were both about gay runaways, but I finally grew a pair and decided to come out in school.

I first came out to my fellow juniors during a class retreat, I sat in the middle of the whole class and said “I know most of you have guessed it already, but I want you all to know officially that I am gay”...silence, silence...and then...RIOTOUS applause! Which was followed by classmate after classmate sharing their admiration in my honesty, and bravery; that choked me up of course. I made them all promise to keep it a secret till I found the right way to come out to the whole school. I had remembered we had learned about acronyms in English class, so I wrote a poem for the school paper called “My dirty little acronym”, and the first letter of every stanza spelled out “ I A M G A Y”, I remember before it went out to print, I sat down with some of the teachers and the school guidance counselor to help them prepare for the onslaught of possible backlash, as I was the first person in my school to come out while they were still in school. Surprisingly enough there wasn't much backlash, I was a little bummed out to be honest, as being a little gay boy, having watched documentary after documentary about Stonewall, and coming out stories, I wanted to have a vivid discussion about sexuality, but it wasn't really that big of a deal. I am very happy that I was able to live my last 6 months or so of high school in homophobic Puerto Rico, as an out and proud young man. I have, as Madonna says at the end of her Human Nature video ,“absolutely no regrets”.

Come out , come out, wherever you are...part 2

So a couple of days ago I ranted about celebrities coming out, and it made me think back to my three major coming out instances in my life, I will share one of them with you right now.

The year was 1994, and I have known I was gay since I can remember. Mid way through 1993 I had started writing back and fourth with this pen pal I met from a pen pal service that I found in the back of Rolling Stone magazine, I was 13 and he was in his early 20s. I lived in Puerto Rico, and he lived in Florida, I forget where. He was always very graphic in describing his sexcapades, which I LOVED...he as a matter of fact gave me my first gay porn, and also my first straight porn (which made me extremely popular with all my classmates) . I digress, so I would always hide his letters under my bed (typical, I know!) anyway, I went out with my friends or my sister, I don't remember which to go see “What's Eating Gilbert Grape” and when I get home, my parents have this serious and concerned look on their faces. They sit me down in their bed and my mom proceeds to pull out one of my letters...I knew what was coming. First of all, they ruined my whole plan of telling them at college, but oh well. My dad began asking “are you...?” , “gay?” I finished...he nodded and I very quickly said, “yes”. Instantly came the waterworks, from my DAD...which was very strange for me to see. I had only seen him cry once before when his mother died. I understand now what he must have been going through, I guess some parents, no matter how cool and open they are, still feel a sense of loss when the life they had for their child wont happen the way they imagined it. Anyway, we had a long conversation about different things. Safe sex, discrimination, were some of the topics brought up. The weirdest question I got from my dad was...”are you like Michael Jackson?” referring to the very fresh (at the time) scandal of Michael and the little boys. “NO!!!” I hollered immediately, “HELL NO!” Quite the opposite, I thought to myself as I had always been attracted to older men, probably no thanks to him...THANKS DADDY ISSUES! Anyway, my mother of course knew, as most mothers know.

I remember a couple of months later, my dad and I were watching TV in his room, and some sort of wedding was showing, and I said “That's the kind of wedding I would like to have...” (It was big, gorgeous and dramatic of course!!) and he said “with a woman?” with this tone of hope for a change of heart from me. “No” I replied, “ with another man...”. I think that was the last time he ever questioned my sexuality. The man has grown immensely over the years, and I love him to death. Now we have a whole new batch of issues, mostly involving my drug use and lack of independence...but now it's my turn to grow, and his patience with my has grown exponentially. I am very lucky to have such great parents.

On a lighter note of things, I told my sister about a year later on New Years Eve, she dropped me off at home, and I handed her a letter as I shut the car door, and ran in the pouring rain. It merely said “Happy New Year, by the way I'm gay...oh and mom and dad know already!”...she of course knew I was gay since I was a zygote, but she was pissed at me because I told my parents before I told her. She has always been the shinning example of being an open and loving human being, she introduced me to all of her gay friends since I can remember, and she is the main reason why I am so comfortable in my own skin, as far as the gay thing goes.

Anyway, that's enough for one day, I will share my other two stories soon.

So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, adieu...

So a little while after I posted my last post something quite big happened, my last possession was taken away. I was sitting in my sober living's living room and I saw a tow truck pull up right next to my 2003 fire engine red Ford Mustang which I called Sylvester (after the fierce and amazing disco diva Sylvester) , and low and behold they took my baby away. It sucks for the obvious reason that my car is now property of the LA DMV till I pay all my tickets off and get my registration paid up. But my car was the last bit of my life that I still had left...my apartment gone, my things in storage, everything had slowly disappeared thanks to my using, my car though undrivable by me (my license in suspended due to my second DUI) was at least still mine, but not anymore. The surprising thing is that I didn't have a panic attack, or freak out, or cry or anything of the sort...instead I had a couple of cigarettes and repeated something I learned in rehab:

Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today, when I am disturbed it is because I find some person, place, thing , or situation some fact of my life as unacceptable to me. I can find no serenity until I accept this person, place, thing, or situation as being the way it is meant to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake.

I repeated that to myself about a million and one times, and all of a sudden all this stress that I was starting to build up just floated away, so I am grateful to this amazing tool that I learned in recovery, otherwise I would try and solve my problem in my old way of finding a needle and some shit to get me fucked up! Thank God I am not THAT guy anymore.

Speaking of being that guy, I also did something quite big today, I went up to this guy who was extremely inappropriate with me after a meeting and told him that I am not someone to be treated in a derogatory sexual way, unless I invite him to do so... Anyway, I had been holding onto this resentment for almost two months now and it felt great to let it out, in a peaceful manner and create boundaries where there had been none before. So YAHY me!

Come out, come out, wherever you are...

So I got my copy of Entertainment Weekly last Friday with the lovely Adam whats his name from American Idol...I have not been watching American Idol this season, actually not since the second or third season have I invested any time or caring for anyone on this show; but this article brought up something that really gets on my last gay nerve. Famous gay people, who I know are gay, who aren't out of the closet. They seem to be everywhere I look right now. I turn on CNN and there is Mr. Closet himself Anderson Cooper...who I believe has no real reason to stay in the closet, I remember seeing him every Saturday night at The Roxy in NYC, shaking his groove thing with all the other gay boys to Victor and Peter. I mean this is nothing new, for stars to be in the closet, of course...I mean way back to Rock Hudson gays have had to stay in the closet, but I imagined in the day of Melissa, Ellen, Elton, and the likes younger artists would feel more comfortable coming out. I remember when I was doing my party in NYC called Pop Rocks! and Lance Bass would not come to it because he didn't want people to know he was gay, and yet the very straight and comfortable Joey Fatone came by to check us out, I love him immensely by the way! GRRRRRR I'd like me some of that hot cub action! ANYWHOO I digress...there's of course my compatriot Ricky Martin, who should fucking get his ass out of that closet already, nobody gives a shit! And then there is the lovely world of Star Trek where we have already had Mr. Zulu (George Takai) come out of the closet, why can't the new Mr. Spock (Zachary Quinto) come out? I used to see him all the time hanging out at MJ's when I worked there, I just wished these Hollywood people didn't feel the need to stay in the closet, and while were on the sci fi note, can I just express my grievance of there being no gay characters in science fiction TV or film? I was very happy at first when I saw two guys kiss on a Battlestar Galactica webisode, but then it pissed me off that it wasn't included in the show itself. It was just frustrating to me as a huge Sci Fi geek that in these worlds were robots come to life and kill us, and alien men can have babies, there can't be two happy normal men or women who are in love and in a relationship!

As real as it may seem...it was only in my dreams...

So I have no shame in saying that I relapsed last night...in my dreams...it's been a LONG while since I had a using dream, and it feels weird. The weird part is that I didn't feel remorse in my dream, I thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it, but when I woke up I did breath a sigh of relief knowing where I was, and that I was safe, right next to my kitty. I have no desire to relapse on meth, a drink still sounds terrific to me, and if I weren't living in a sober living I would TOTALLY have a glass of wine with dinner, or a beer at a bar. Lots of people in the program look down on that, and I understand where they are coming from, I know that alcohol can lead to drugs. It did twice for me, once being the first time I did crystal meth and the second time being the last relapse I had, but I feel that it was actually alcohol paired with a low self esteem that drove me back to meth. Also, alcohol hasn't exactly been my greatest friend, I do have two DUI s, but anyway who knows!? Am I an alcoholic? Maybe, maybe not...but that is not something I am going to be testing anytime soon...for now I shall enjoy using in my dreams only, and leave it at that.

Lies, Lies, Lies, Yeah!

So I went to my doctor a couple of days ago to get a letter from him about getting my mini-sabbatical from school. I figured he'd Mariah Carey me and say I was suffering from exhaustion, which isn't a lie, but instead he wrote that I had bacterial pneumonia.

The thing that is tripping me is the god damn 12 step program(s)...you are supposed to have a program of honesty, but I am pretty sure that if I just said I needed a little break they wouldn't grant me the break...which you may say, well then maybe that is God telling you not to; but I feel that if I don't take a break I may just collapse from exhaustion or worse yet relapse out of frustration. I know this could have been a learning experience, but I feel like it is one already. I have learned about not over committing myself to things, so when I am done with the AALA show, I will not take on any new commitments. I am slightly breaking that though, by helping my friend Tim Permanent with his show for Pride, but I told him that he's got me for the next two weeks to help him out a lot, and then after that I will probably only be able to see him once a week, the show isn't that far off, so I feel like I have to put my priorities back up, sobriety, school, then work...so if I feel like I am doing too much then I may have to drop out, but I don't think I will have to put that plan to effect. We'll see...so I will live with the belief that I am not a liar since I didn't lie myself...we'll see how that works for me...lol.

Anyway, it being Saturday I wanna share a song that gets the rocker girl in me, and whenever I DJ rock n' roll I always play this rockin' song!! So here you are with Lita Ford's “Kiss Me Deadly”

It's not so much do what you like, as it is that you like what you do

Those lyrics from Stephen Sondheim's genius song Children and Art, from my favorite musical of his Sunday in the Park with George; have become my motto during this sobriety, and in this stage in my life. If you asked me “what do you like to do, what would you wanna spend the rest of your life doing that would bring you endless pleasure?” my answer would very easily be, musicals. I could sing, dance, and act all day long, that is my passion, but I have wasted a lot of my parents money attempting to conquer that goal, well a half ass attempt to be quite honest. So when I was sitting in my hairdressers chair for my first haircut while I was in rehab, and asked him for a job as a receptionist at his salon, and he returned that with a “you know, you always come in with such amazing, creative ideas for me, why don't you go to school for hair”, I thought to myself, well its not musical theater, but I do love being creative, and I could definitely see myself growing to love this art. So even though I would drop my scissors in an instant to do a musical, I realized that if I do want to follow that dream someday, I have to do it after I am self supporting through my own contributions. So I am going to school to be a hairdresser so that when I have enough stability I can go out on auditions, and try my hand at musicals again. It will be a while before I can do that, but I will be able to do that someday, and that is what I am working towards, my dream is not dead, it's just on hold for now, and it is things like the AALA show that let me express myself in that way that help me in hanging in there, so I am grateful for my growth and look forward to becoming the man that I am supposed to be.

Get up, stand up; stand up for your rights...

So I have felt like speaking up on something for the last couple of weeks, but I didn't wanna cause a ruckus! I have felt that the two numbers that I am featured in, in the AALA show have been neglected because they aren't complete train wrecks like others are; and there are a couple of things that have been going by the waste side, some of the dancers are sloppy, some of our choreography isn't finished, you know little things like that. I kept waiting for somebody else to bring it up, or for the director to notice and do something about it. So, with two weeks left till the show goes up, and still nothing I decided to finally let the director know how I was feeling. I wrote him that I didn't wanna sound like a diva, but that I have the same goal as he does, for the show to be amazing and flawless, and that I felt because my numbers weren't dancing disasters that they had been neglected, I must have written “please don't hate me” at least 5 times in the whole email (because I am too chicken shit to actually bring it up in person). The director could NOT have been any nicer about it, and I don't know if he was just trying to stroke my ego, or if he was truthful, or who knows, both...but he said “you shine so brightly in those two numbers that even if it all fell apart around you, no one would really notice” he also stated that my degree of professionalism makes his job a lot easier. So I felt very good about myself, and it only makes me want to work harder for the show. So I got my ego stroked, but I also feel like I grew as a person because I was always the quiet one, who never wanted to cause any trouble, and not that I did, but I would have never stood up and expressed my concerns 9 months ago, so yahy for me!

Just breathe...

So I have been resting at home for the last couple of days thanks to a little gift I got called pink eye, and boy I could not be any happier! For once I have an honest to God good reason for not doing anything, and just resting my tired ass. At first I thought, how the hell could I have gotten pink eye...and then I spoke to both my doctor and my father who is a doctor, other than getting it from someone else who has it, you can also get it from stress, and sure it may be silly “white people problems” that I am stressed out about, but I am stressed out nonetheless, so I have decided to take a three week break from school, I haven't gotten the OK from them yet, but I am pretty sure that I will get the OK from them. I mean my stresses in my life are school, meetings, the AALA show, doing my chores at home, choreographing for my friend Tim's show,getting my party Betty Ford Lounge organized and none of those are life or death, but they are still all piled up one on top of the other.

I am definitely NOT quitting school under any circumstance, I have finally gotten my mojo for cutting hair, and I no longer lack self confidence in my abilities, I just feel like I could be a lot more focused on the things I have going on in my life if I took these next three weeks off; after which I will be done with the show and I will start my new full time schedule at school. I am hoping that I can take these next couple of weeks to immerse myself in the show, and in taking care of myself, and most importantly giving myself some breathing room so that when I do start this new schedule I will go at it full force, and not be so stressed from not having any breaks that I will regret doing it. I think it is the best thing for me to do. Anyway, I guess I will find out tomorrow when I speak to the woman at school who decides all these things. Wish me luck!

I remember how those boys could dance...

Well I have definitely been a busy little bee, haven't had much time to relax but I am grateful of course, as it keeps me out of trouble! I've been busy with the usual, you know meetings, school, and the AALA show...but as if all of that wasn't enough I have added something fabulous to my plate. May 17th marks the debut of my new party called Betty Ford Lounge, it is a sober tea dance party held the third Sunday of every month at the bar I used to work at, MJ's.

There are many reasons why I took it upon myself to start this thing out, first of all clubs are what I know. I know how to create parties, promote them, get them started up and running and making them successful, this is something I am very comfortable with, and I do not feel endangered by being in a bar environment as I stayed clean and sober for 6 months while I was working there, and then the rest of the time I was just clean :-)

But another very important reason that I created this party was as a fund raiser for my recovery house, Frank's house, as a proceed of the earnings will go to the house, as well as all donations, so thats a great way of being of service.

So I am glad to get my name out there again, even if it isn't as a DJ or VJ, which was kinda hard for me to let go off, I had to realize that I don't have to be the center of attention all the time, and that I may not be the best DJ/VJ for the occasion, but I will get there again soon. Anyway I am grateful to have this new opportunity in my life.

Anyway my video for the night, is one of my favorite hip hop songs of all time, and I had been looking for this version of it for the longest time, and I am so glad to finally have found it on youtube...here are Angie Martinez, Lil' Kim, Lisa “Left Eye” Lopez, Da Brat and Missy Elliot performing their hit “Not Tonight(Lady's Night) on the MTV VMAs.



Oh and btw if anyone knows where my title comes from you will be my love FOREVER!