So divine, WHERE IS MINE!?

Sometimes I wonder if I enjoy beating myself up, or putting myself in situations that I know will hurt my feelings at some point. I just got home about an hour ago in the foulest of moods. The day started out calm enough, I slept in after a long exhausting weekend of super gay sobriety at a certain convention that I didn't know we aren't technically allowed to mention because it's against our traditions...AnywAy...last night, the show I was in Cirque D'Amazed went AMAZING, the audiences LOVED it and said it was the best show at this kind of convention that they had ever seen. The show IS amazing, and truly touching, and very relevant to what we are going through. During the last rehearsal, and the last show I was balling my eyes out, because it hit me that the show is over, and all these amazing friends I have made I will not see again every weekend like I am used to, and that I will no longer have this outlet for doing what I love doing the most, singing and dancing.

So I started out today with that sense of depression of it being over, plus I have these crushes on all these different guys who obviously don't feel the same way I do, they like me as a friend, and confidant, they ask for relationship advice, and tell me all about their problems with the men in their lives, and it hurts me. I will admit that most of my friendships do start with an attraction towards them, and I do what I do best...I make them laugh, and I also usually tell it like it is in every sense, except for the fact that I have an attraction to them, unless it's in my usual passive aggressive roundabout way of doing so with a joke. But all day, friend after friend after friend that I am attracted to keeps trusting in me all their troubles, so that started pilling on one by one. I think the final straw came when I went into the convention's dance tonight, and half of these boys were prancing around half naked go-go dancing, and it just made me feel less than, because of all this sober weight I've put on. I used to go go dance in NYC, and I just don't feel good enough to do it, I also feel so invisible to all these attractive people. I will definitely take these feelings tomorrow with me to the gym, to start my new workout regiment. I know that having a better body won't fix it all, I definitely have to work on my insides a little more. I have to trust in God's plan for me, I'm just not happy with the way his plan is going for me at the moment.

Anyway, I will share with you this bootleg of a song that kinda is how I feel today “Who will love me as I am?” from the Broadway show Side Show!