As real as it may seem...it was only in my dreams...

So I have no shame in saying that I relapsed last night...in my dreams...it's been a LONG while since I had a using dream, and it feels weird. The weird part is that I didn't feel remorse in my dream, I thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it, but when I woke up I did breath a sigh of relief knowing where I was, and that I was safe, right next to my kitty. I have no desire to relapse on meth, a drink still sounds terrific to me, and if I weren't living in a sober living I would TOTALLY have a glass of wine with dinner, or a beer at a bar. Lots of people in the program look down on that, and I understand where they are coming from, I know that alcohol can lead to drugs. It did twice for me, once being the first time I did crystal meth and the second time being the last relapse I had, but I feel that it was actually alcohol paired with a low self esteem that drove me back to meth. Also, alcohol hasn't exactly been my greatest friend, I do have two DUI s, but anyway who knows!? Am I an alcoholic? Maybe, maybe not...but that is not something I am going to be testing anytime soon...for now I shall enjoy using in my dreams only, and leave it at that.