As I get ready to go to bed tonight at 230 in the morning I am grateful that I have gotten through another day drug free; and today was quite the stressful one for me. It started calmly enough by heading over to my sponsor's for our weekly meeting, and that went quite well, but the rest of my day was one of doubt, realization, and acceptance. The first little bump in the road was when a friend of mine asked me to cut his hair. Mind you i've only been in school for 5 weeks and have had no hair experience before in my life. It was supposed to have been an easy trim of the hair, but him being obsessive compulsive and me being a zygote in haircutting did not a good combo make. I was sweating like Amy Winehouse going through customs from the stress, and lo and behold I fucked it up, and he proceeded to ask me to just shave it all off, which I did . He said it was no big deal, which I believed , but I still beat myself up, it totally created so much doubt in me as to weather I will be a great hairdresser someday or not.
Cut to hours later going to my old apartment in West Hollywood to get my car jumped so I could get a friend of mine to drive it to my sober living's neighborhood (I still haven't gotten my drivers license back from my DUIs), first the battery died midway home, and we had to get towed the rest of the way home via rope, not truck (which I don't really recommend for anyone) and because we didn't want to hit some old lady crossing the street (your welcome you old coot) we swerved suddenly and my car hit my friends car and left quite the little dent on him. ANYWAY, when I got home I realized that it was the last bit of my past life that I had left. It saddened me for a while, but then I realized that even though in that life I had a car, and a one bedroom apartment, I didn't have any real friends. When I was out using I couldn't get anyone to go with me to the movies , let alone take time out of their day to help me move my car. So even though I find myself shopping at the 99 cent store quite often (something I SWORE I would never do before) I welcome this new day with open arms.
9 years ago
oy papi is right! i had no idea. well, i'm glad to hear you seem to be getting your shit together. good for you. be strong. you can do it. :)
ReplyDeleteGerson! I love you! Even if you had a hard day yesterday, you did it clean and it is still better than your best day using. Your sense of humor is still intact and shining through in your blog, keep it up. As for your haircut experience, I have faith in you, you just need more instruction and experience, which is why you are school now. When you are ready you can cut my hair! And when you are out of GPH, I will go to the movies with you. Hope today is better for you!
ReplyDeleteLove,
Thom
Hey Gerson!:
ReplyDeleteOvercoming self doubt is just one of our day to day struggles because we're our harshest critics. We probably wouldn't say to a beloved friend (and probably ones we didn't love so much) the things we sometimes tell ourselves when we MISTAKENLY think that we're not doing well enough, we're not good enough this, that, etc. We can often be horrible to ourselves but remember to cut yourself some slack and to just soldier on, take it one day at a time. Anyway that's what works for me. If it helps you then even better :),When and if you forget what an extraordinary person you are I just wanted to tell you that the Gerson I always think of is the one I remember from our days in school when we were all so young. I remember your talent for singing, for acting and most of all I'll never forget for as long as I live those times I was fortunate enough to hear you play the violin. (Do you still play? I hope you do, even if only for yourself). I also wanted to say that I've enjoyed your blog(Amy Winehouse at customs just killed me!) and think that you're very brave to share something so personal and give us the oportunity to cheer for you. Speaking of which; remember the Cheerleading squad at CHS? You wanted to be there and regarless of what anyone said (it WAS PR - machismo land)you went for it! The fact that you're well on your way to recovery, that you were able to as you've said "leave that life behind" is just another testament of your strenght. Overcoming addiction is one of the hardest things anyone ever goes through (my father is a recovering alcoholic)and you're DOING it. I have faith in you. I was saddened to learn you've had tough times, but I've no doubt better days lie ahead. I'm happy to be in contact with you again.:) I'd managed to keep in contact with everyone from our "group" back then but somehow you'd gotten "lost". Whenever I saw Josean (last of which was at Ralph's wedding - but I digress) I always asked him if he knew about you. Anyway, if you believe in such things I'm sending very positive thoughts your way.
Luv ya (mean it) :)
Gloria