Blame it on the a a a a a alcohol!

So as you might have noticed, my sobriety counter has disappeared off my page. Let me get something clear, I did NOT put meth or any other hard drug in my body, but I did drink...ALOT! I need to come clean about something, last night was NOT the first time that I drank...my first drink was on my natal birthday, where I celebrated with a margarita at Disneyland, I have had some glasses of wine with dinner and have had a couple of cocktails here and there, but last night I overindulged myself. I saw that I wasn't gonna make it to curfew so I told my houseparent what I did, and he came to pick me up. For one night of drinking I did alot of wrecking, and not just to myself. I lost my time, cost two people their jobs, and I feel like I may be loosing one my closest friends because of it. Those last two are the ones that are wrecking me the most, I changed two peoples lives with one stupid night of drinking, and a big mouth. I love these two men with all my heart and it kills me to no end that my stupidity hurt others. And then there's Nick, my best friend...when I saw him today, I could tell that his energy towards me has changed. He told me that he was scared and worried for me, and that it also worries him how much wreckage I caused that affected others, and that he's scared that I could do the same to him. I went to a meeting tonight, where the speaker shared a similar story about himself, which truly touched me and started to make me think, because originally I hadn't planned on reseting my time because I don't think of myself as an alcoholic! But what he said truly moved me, and then I was talking to one of the guys from the rehab I went to, sharing my fear of losing friends in the program if I didn't reset my time, and how adamant I was about doing it. He said something very wise to me, that truly got to me...he asked me "would you rather loose your friends, or a number?" THAT is what got me, because as embarassing as it will be to stand up as a newcomer for the next 28 days, I will hopefuly still have my friends there for me. So as I get ready to hit the sack at my friend Tim's place, I hope that my brain will catch up to my heart and understand that I may be an alcoholic, and I could possibly not drink ever again. Though to be totally honest, this is my plan. I will for sure not drink while I am living at a sober living, and secondly I will not drink till I am done working the 12 steps of the program, afterwhich I will reconsider the whole drinking issue. The speaker said that after he worked the 12 steps, he was assured that he was also an alcoholic, and that he was forever changed. So I guess i'll wait for the miracle to happen.

What have you done today to make you feel proud?

What have you done today to make you feel proud?

I am posting this at 10:20 pacific time, which is 1:20am eastern standard time. 40 years ago some tragic drunken queens were mourning the death of gay icon Judy Garland at the Stonewall Inn in Greenwich Village, when a group of cops came in and try to take them in for being gay and/or wearing women's clothing...this had been a normal occurrence in NYC 1969 but the queens were not having it that day, not on the day that their Judy passed on. I didn't learn this when I was a grown up, in fact I learned this when I was 12, because as soon my parents found me out and accepted me I began asking them to buy me all sorts of books on gay history, and I became a smart educated little fag, by age 13 I knew all about Harvey Milk, the Matachine society, you name it I knew it. I am so grateful for those queens who decided to not take it anymore, who decided that they were not to be put down anymore, that we deserve the same liberties that our straight brothers and sisters got. I hate to sound like a 90 year old man, but I must express my disappointment in these kids today. They don't know gay history, they don't know the struggles that the gay and lesbian community has had to go through. It gets under my skin to no end when these kids put down drag queens, and effeminate guys because those were the people who fought for us to be able to kiss on the street, hold hands, get civil unions, and some of our rights.

I hope this new fight for gay marriage brings a new group of gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered youth into a movement that is in dire need of new blood and new ideas. I hope this is the beginning of a new era in the gay rights movement, and that it grows. I thank God every day for making me a gay man, I can't imagine my life any other way.

A fun fact from me is that I worked at Stonewall for about 6 months, it was right after I quit my party Pop Rocks! and betrayed them by going to work for this group of guys who ran a party called Gay College Party, which was Thursday nights at Stonewall. It was an honor for me to work there as I had studied it's history profusely, the shame was that I was fucked up as all hell when I worked there, and I regret that to this day. I remember playing extra long songs so that I could run to the bathroom and do bumps of meth, sometimes missing cues and definitely fucking up mixing wise because my high was much more important than my job. Someday I hope to be able to go back there and spin without any meth in order to create some great new memories of such a wonderful and historic place.

Here is a clip from a great movie, Stonewall with the amazing Candis Cayne from Dirty Sexy Money!

Like a Sunset Dying With The Rising Of The Moon, Gone Too Soon

Wow I have been catatonic for the last day because of the shocking news of Michael Jackson dying. I was always a Michael Jackson fan since I can remember, to be honest with you I loved him way before I started worshiping Madonna (but don't tell her that) My sister always blared Michael AND Janet's records when I was growing up, and my sister is a huge influence on who I am today as a music lover.

1993 was a big year for me, that is when I saw Madonna for the first time when she brought The Girlie Show to Puerto Rico, and infamously rubbed our flag on her kaslapas! A couple of months later I was supposed to see the King in concert but that was the infamous concert that he canceled because it was a U.S. Territory and he could get extradited back to LA to go to trial for his alleged charges.

Do I think he did what he was accused of? Probably. Did it affect my love for him? A bit, yeah. I mean I still love Woody Allen after his weird thing, but as creepy as his thing was she was of age when he finally consummated that relationship, if Michael did what he was accused of there is just no excuse for it, children are innocent, for the most part; I mean I was a horny little child and would get on my knees for any kid in my class, but I don't think even I could've handled a grown up. But I digress, he was definitely a talented man who had a difficult childhood and the world of music will miss him for sure.

Weird little story about the day of his death, as you all know (all two of you) I go to school at the Aveda Institute in Westwood, which is right next to UCLA. So as I was cutting some cute girl's hair all of a sudden we heard this huge cavalcade of sirens, first ambulance then police ones. My head went right to terrorist attack, as I still have vivid memories of my 9/11 experiences. Suddenly a lot of my classmates and some clients began getting texts and calls from their friends and then we finally knew, the King of Pop was rushed to UCLA medical center, and was probably dead.

The news was official by the time I was getting out of school, and the helicopters were plentiful above us, it was all very surreal to me, I cued up some MJ on my Zune and was surprisingly moved to tears remember all the good times I shook my ass to his amazing music! I will miss his presence, and the genius that he brought to this world!

It being Saturday I will include one of my favorite songs of his, from a little movie that I fucking LOVED...I watched it at least three times when I went to Epcot with my folks! Here is Another Part of Me from the Captain Eo movie at Walt Disney World!

Just dance!

Here is the video of me dancing backup for my girl Tim Permanent (check him out at timpermanent.com) at LA Pride a couple of weeks ago! WORRRRRRRRRRRRRK!

It's Hard to speak my heart...

Well I am faced with a bit of a situation which involves ethics, the safety of anonymity at meetings, and possibly avoiding a scary situation. There was this couple who are both in the rooms (aka they go to meetings) and they were quite the hot couple, and very much envied by people in the rooms because they were so stunning. A few months into their relationship they broke up, and one of them began sharing at meetings that he was being beaten by this other man. I lost all respect I had for this man, because I obviously don't respect abusers of any kind. I have avoided him at all costs and not said anything to him in a while.

Cut to the present, one of my roommates is hanging out with this man (the abuser) and is considering dating him when the man gets some more time under his belt. In the past I have been known to meddle in other people's business and I have been trying to change that about myself. I have been doing a pretty good job I think, but this puts me in a bit of a situation. First there is the whole morality of anonymity and the fact that you should not repeat what you hear at meetings to anyone else, not even if they are in the program. I also don't want my roommate and dear friend to fall into a relationship that may end up being abusive. The relationship is nowhere near being a true relationship, and I am keeping my mouth shut because of that. There is also a part of me that says, maybe he has changed. Why should I judge him on things he has allegedly done in the past. I mean I wouldn't want people to judge me for things I did when I was using, but then again he was sober when he beat up his boyfriend. I am truly torn about what to do. I think I will probably shut up, and keep it to myself, and the two or three of you that read this, but if anything does start growing, relationship-wise I may have to consult my therapist and/or sponsor about it. Oh well...

It's MY body, and my body's NOBODYS bussiness but my own...

So I was reading my Entertainment Weekly as I usually do on Saturdays when I am not crazy busy, and in the News Monitor & Notes section I read this little note that peaked my interest, it read under “Apologies” : ...On June 12, Oscar winning Milk screenwriter Dustin Lance Black, 35, released a statement to E! News after photos surfaced that appear to depict Black having unprotected sex:
I apologize and cannot emphasize enough the importance of responsible sexual practices.”

This took me aback for many reasons, first of all that anyone cared that he did this, or that he had to apologize for it. I personally do not practice safe sex with my partners, but I do this with first always making sure that I am doing it with someone who is already positive, I do not fuck around with negative guys. I will be the first to admit that when I was fucked up on meth, I would not give two shits about who I was fucking and how, I just wanted to get off...well not get off, since tweekers don't really ejaculate for DAYS, but that is besides the point. I think that it is the two (or more) consenting adults' choice to do with each other what they please, as long as all the cards are out on the table for them to make this informed decision. I have talked to my doctor about it, who is a well respected AIDS/HIV doctor and he said that only in your first year of infection is there a danger of getting this “super strain” of the HIV virus. Of course I run the danger of catching other STDs but that is a risk I am willing to take for now. Maybe someday I will change my mind, but I highly doubt it.

This is the gay community's dirty little secret, that HIV positive men fuck bareback with each other. We see it as one of the few perks that comes with the disease. Let me say this though, I do not, I repeat DO NOT recommend anyone negative out there to zero convert themselves like I did in order to fuck bareback, it is NOT worth it. Cause though barebacking is great, people don't mention when you convert and start taking meds, you get diarrhea at LEAST once a month, you loose energy, stamina, you have to get your blood work done every three months, and for an ex IV drug user that is NOT a pleasant thing! So I think it is bullshit that he had to apologize for doing something that a lot of the gay community is doing, and that as long as he was doing it with a consenting adult who was well informed of whatever situation they were in, that it is nobody's business what they do or not do in the bedroom.

On THAT cheery note, it being Saturday (OK so it's technically Sunday now) here is my video pick for the week is a clip from one of my favorite Tony performances of all time, the show itself was iffy, but this song and these girls fucking BRING IT! Here are the girls from the Broadway show The Life (about Times Square hookers in the 80s) singing “My Body”...WERK bitches!

I am beautiful, no matter what they say...

Wow, so after my big self esteem roller coaster journey this weekend, I have had a little something keeping me pretty high. I know you shouldn't solely rely on outside validation for your self esteem, but let me tell you it didn't hurt after all the self deprecation I performed this weekend. So I shared a couple of days ago about the guy I ran into on the bus, who facilitated my last relapse. Anyway, I found him on facebook, and we have been corresponding lightly on there. I asked him out to a movie this weekend, but he is busy working and so we set on next weekend. After we agreed to that, and I headed to school he sent me this sweet note on there, which was a great surprise to me when I got home a couple of hours ago. He wrote “You are a very sweet guy by the way”...sure my head began reeling and it also began asking myself “What is his angle?”, “what does he want from me?”...I mean someone that gorgeous usually doesn't go for a guy like me, is what I keep telling myself over and over. I honestly had to sit myself down, quiet myself up, meditate and think...why is he attracted to me? What could I possibly have that he finds attractive? Maybe the fact that I haven't picked up a needle in almost 10 months, how about the fact that I am taking care of myself by becoming a strong productive member of my community, how about the fact that I have set my mind on something scary, but exciting that will lead to an amazing life/career. Sure I still live at a sober living, sure I may still be a bit over my usual weight, but these are issues that will take care of themselves in good time. I may not be the best catch out there, yet...but I am sure working hard as all hell to make myself into a better man. So even though I am not totally self confident by myself, I am sure getting there.

PRIDE, in a deeper love!

Wow what an amazing weekend I had filled with pride, and the growth of what looks to be a promising friendship. Yesterday (Saturday) was fucking AMAZING, I performed with my girl Tim Permanent (check him out at timpermanent.com) on the main stage, and I fucking felt like a rock star, and I was just a backup dancer, so I can only imagine how he felt. I have to admit that at the beginning of our friendship there was a hint of jealousy for what he was doing career wise, but that has slowly been drowned out by great respect, and inspiration for what you can do with your life if you put your mind to it. Our performance was brilliant, all dance steps were fiercely executed and he sang beautifully!

After we performed I hung out with one of my newest closest friends, Nick. We walked around the festival, and had a blast dancing, but the highlight of the night was seeing the FIERCE Ms. Deborah Cox perform! Not only because the diva BROUGHT IT, but seeing Nick light up as she performed really energized me, and really drove home why I love this man (oh and by the way, he is probably the first best friend I have had that I am not planning our marriage down the road).

Today(Sunday), started out well enough. Nick and I marched with SOBAR, which is a sober party at this bar called Here Lounge in West Hollywood, we enjoyed walking around WeHo and the festival for most of the day. An issue arose early in the evening when Nick ran into some of his circuit “boy” friends who were obviously high as can be. We were in this sea of muscled shirtless men, who I obviously lust over, and just watching them get more and more fucked up, and starting to get all over each other; at this point this thing I will call “Mean Girls Envy” rushed over me. These big muscled up men are the kind of men I am attracted to, manly looking and feminine acting, so I obviously idolize them without knowing much about them. They intimidate the living daylights out of me. That was issue one, I want to be them so badly, I want to be part of their world (Little Mermaid much!?) I have never felt like I fit into this crowd, but seeing Nick interact with them showed me that he (not a muscle boy himself) showed them something that they like in him, because they all flocked to him on sight.

My issues grew as the night went on, and I saw them rolling on God knows what drugs they were on, and being totally fucked up. This for the first time triggered me, I had seen people high before, but this environment, and my jealousy towards my friends Nick ability to have them in his life really began eating at me, so I did what I do...I withdrew. I didn't want to leave him alone with all these drugged up queens around him, so I just backed off and watched from the sidelines. To be honest with you, I was testing Nick. To see how long it would take him to notice that I had disappeared (5 minutes if you must know), when he walked up to check on me, I told him I was fine and that he should go back dancing ( I said that but you should've seen the pouty face I had on), I was totally screaming for attention and Nick gave me none. I wanted the impossible, I wanted him to read my mind and totally abandon his friends and try and comfort me. On the ride home we were both pretty quiet, I'm guessing from the tiring day we had just finished, and I came home to sulk. Fifteen minutes later I got a text from him saying “ This weekend was so incredibly important to me. Thank you for making it so wonderful and solidifying our friendship even more”. After reading that text, all resentment, jealousy, and disappointment vanished. Without me sending him any kind of text ( you see I was testing him again, by telling myself not to text him till he texted me) he totally acknowledged what I had wanted all along, a sign that I wasn't the only one in this friendship, that he cares for me, and that he values what we have, and for that I am grateful.

Since I missed Saturday's video I will include one of my favorite singers, Robbie Williams performing a song that totally embodies me at the moment...here he is performing “Feel” on the Tonight Show.

Memories...from the corners of my mind...tweaky, hazy colored memories...

February 10th, 2008 was a big day for me...26 days earlier I had celebrated my 1 year off of crystal meth...in jail ( I was in there for my second DUI). I of course was very upset at having spent my first ever one year off crystal meth in jail, without my friends around to support me. I had become quite estranged from meetings because people were judging me for still drinking (let's leave that little issue for another day, shall we?) Anyway, here I was a couple of weeks back out in the real world, feeling fat and ugly ( I had gained about 30 pounds over my normal 145 non tweaker weight) I hadn't been validated by a man in a long while and I had decided to go to the Faultline, my favorite leather bar, to drown my sorrows with tequila and dollar beer. On the bus ride over this gorgeous stocky muscle-y hunk of a man kept looking back at me, and I of course right back at him. We both got off at the same stop, and walked into the same bar. I was floored...never had a man so gorgeous looked at me the way this man did. For the next couple of hours we would give each other looks from across the room, and I kept downing beer after beer and shot after shot, trying to build up some liquid courage to go up and start talking to this guy.

5 beers and 3 cuervo shots later I finally went up to him and began flirting heavily with him, I can't really remember how the conversation went, but I do remember his proposal. “Do you wanna go down to Flex ( a bathhouse 3 blocks down, which by the way I had never been to) and party?” Now for those of you who don't know “party” in the gay world is code for doing drugs. I could not have said “yes” any quicker...we stumbled over to Flex, at which I paid for BOTH our entrances, got us a big “fancy” room with a TV, and being both free of drugs, went about a search to find some meth. He succeeded and proceeded to invite me in to hang with this (I guess) cute Asian guy (I say I guess, because I am mostly attracted to white guys, and SOME Latin guys) and off to the races we went. We partied up a bit, and I proceeded to buy some of his stash from him, we got fucked up together in my room and if I recall correctly, he kinda went on his way.

This pattern with this guy continued time and time again, we would see each other at the baths and he would come hang with me in my room share my drugs, find someone to play with us, and then just leave. Cut to 7 months or so after that first day, and I am on my first or second week at rehab. I go to a meeting, and who do I see sitting at a picnic table in front of the meeting room? This guy indeed, he again gave me a flirty look, and my heart melted. We chatted briefly after the meeting, and went on our separate ways ( I had deleted his number from my phone as he was someone I “partied” with) until today.

I am on the bus, coming home from a long exhausting day at school, and who steps onto the bus 4 stops before I have to get off? This lovely guy, we chatted about sobriety, and what was going on with our lives, but then I had to get off the bus to go home. I haven't stopped thinking about him all day, and thanks to Google I found his full name and added him as a friend on Facebook...thoughts of a sober romance have been floating through my mind since I saw him, but as I sat down to write this I suddenly remembered....he was kind of vanilla when we were high...and usually people loose all inhibitions when they get high, so if he was a prude vanilla boy high, I can only imagine what he is like sober. It was a nice little fantasy though, it did help me remember the sort of door mat and people pleaser I was for the last few years, and it is great to see in myself the growth I have made, that I no longer have to compromise who I am as a sober man, as a sexual being, or in any other way. YAHY! Go me!

Your all alone, and so peaceful until...

I had quite the trying afternoon/evening...I was in WeHo picking up my meds from my pharmacy and I decided to meet up with a good friend of mine who relapsed last weekend. I figured I would be OK since he had told me he had been back to some meetings. We met up at Starbucks for some coffee and sat down to chat for a bit. I love him to death, so I wanted to be there for him in what I thought was his time of need.

The first thing I noticed were the track marks in the creases of his arms, just staring at me, enticing me in that dark evil way things of that nature do. He didn't look bad at all, which was the first thing I sort of grabbed onto in my head. Like “oh, he got fucked up and he doesn't look bad at all...” I asked how he was doing, and the usual questions returnees get “why'd you do it?” .“was it worth it?”, “how bad did it get?” etc. And he proceeded to go on and on about how fabulous it was. How the guy he hooked up with was someone he met on craigslist, and some drop dead gorgeous porn star. How he proceeded to join him in the bedroom after the guy exclaimed “wow, you've got some nice veins...” He got shut up with meth and heroin (this was a guy who just took a cake for 2 years, and who also by the way I used to use with a couple of years ago) and then had some hot nasty sex with the guy, and they even hired an escort to share. As he went on regaling me with his story, I felt myself get aroused. My head was telling me to make him stop, but I guess the disease in me won over, cause I just let him go on and on about how fabulous it was. I tried to get a good answer to “tell me the bad stuff, and why you decided to come back to the rooms?” but he gave no good answer, so I was not able to close the book on my fantasies.

I have constant memories about hanging out with the dealer, and walking up to some new tricks' place and discovering the evil twisted nasty things we would have in common. I wish there was a switch I could just hit to turn these thoughts off. I made up some excuse that I had to get back home to make dinner, which was untrue, I just needed to get out of there as quickly as possible because I found myself staying aroused and fantasizing about a relapse. I thank God that I am in the situation that I am in, living in a sober living, where I am held accountable and where everyone would immediately know I have relapsed. That there is nowhere for me to go if I relapse, my family would disown me, I wouldn't have anyone to stay with, and no money of my own to live off of.

I have been talking to friends, sharing at meetings, anything to try and just get those thoughts out of my system, I hope this overwhelming feeling dies down soon enough, because it really is taking over my head and I don't wanna go back there.

Another Openin' , Another Show...

Wow what an amazing Tony Awards, I must admit that since I have moved out to LA I haven't known as many of the shows on the Tony's, but they never cease to amaze me year after year. I remember watching the Tony's all throughout my youth, loving every last musical number and trying to learn each and every one of them. No thanks to my drug adelled memory I can't remember which was my first Tony Awards, but some of my favorite Tony memories are of one of my favorite musicals, one of my baby's Titanic, Rent rocking out La Vie Boheme (ah my young naive little queer ass shaking) and the most recent moment, was watching last year when a REAL Latin musical, written by a real Latin man, won over the night with “In The Heights” I was crying like a little girl to no end, with such pride in my fellow Latin people.

This year did not disappoint AT ALL! I have to say something up front that may insult my fellow Sondheim loving, Side Show lypsinching friends out there...I LOVED the “Rock of Ages” performance, I have to admit I love the hair rock era and the fact that they made a musical out of it, AND kept the tacky/FIERCE hair and clothes of that era just rocks me out to no end! I also gotta admit that I don't have that much of an interest in seeing Billy Elliot, I know I know heresy, I'm sure I would love it if I saw it, but the performances tonight and in other shows does not attract me to see it at all. Next to Normal in the other hand looks fucking BRILLIANT!! I am so glad that Alice Ripley finally got her Tony (though did someone forget to take her meds before accepting her award tonight!? WOW she went a bit off the deep end if you ask me). One number that totally surprised the HELL out of me was Shrek, I was expecting to roll my eyes just like I did when they performed on The View, but WOW did that gorgeous Christopher Sieber impress the shit out of me...that number was HILARIOUS!

Let's see from the revivals of musicals, Hair was great, Guys and Dolls got fast forwarded, Pal Joey...ZZZZZZZZZZ I love Ms. Stockard Channing, but yeah ZZZZZZZZZZ is all I gotta say, and finally my beloved West Side Story, could someone do me a god damn favor and cast a REAL fucking Latina in the role of Maria already!!?? I could sort of forgive it for the movie since it was the 60s, and minorities were a lot more “minority”-y then...but COME ON it's fucking 2009 get me a dark skinned Maria already! SHEESH!

And I usually TiVo through all the play stuff (sorry, but I am a showtune queen after all) but seeing Ms. Angela Lansbury up there getting her FIFTH Tony was just breath taking and heart warming to say the least. I was quite pleased with Neil's hosting job and not just cause I know what that boy gets into in the bedroom...OINK OINK! So another Tony night where my inner fire was lit yet again, I hope to someday get one, but in order to do so I gotta get off my ass and do something about it, so I'm hoping that writing it out on the internet will help light that fire under me.

I would like to leave you with one of my favorite moments in Tony history, I didn't watch it live as I was too young, but watching this acceptance speech, especially when I was high as a kite really inspired me to get sober and to follow my dreams back to a drug free existence. Here is Michael Jeter at the 1990 Tony Awards where he won for his performance in Grand Hotel, A-MAZING!

I want muscles, all over my body!

God it has been a long exhausting week, and I haven't blogged since Tuesday, that's a real shame. I am thinking of probably taking my laptop with me to school so that I can blog, and post them during my lunch break.

I've been having a hard time adjusting to this new full time schedule at school, in fact today I slept right through my alarm and I didn't wake up till 10 ( I had to be there at 815) so I gotta get myself a better alarm and more rest. I have also added a new thing to my schedule, which is going to the gym. For the last couple of months I have been complaining a lot about how fat I feel. I have gone on a diet, and it worked for a while, losing 4 pounds without any exercise, but I decided to get back into the groove of working out. I remember in my first couple of months of sobriety I had been going to the gym religiously and I had even acquired a gym mojo, but then I got really sick and didn't go back when I got better. So I have worked out twice so far, and I have noticed that I don't feel as awkward as I had before. Before when I went to the gym I felt like Emmet from Queer as Folk, all awkward and super gay, but I don't think I care anymore what I look like. I am there for my health and to help get myself a better body I can prance around proudly. I no longer feel like a fragile little queen, I am pushing myself harder and harder and trying not to quit as easily as I would like to. I think of it this way, I kept trudging on and on after 13 days of non stop tweaking, why should I stop because I am a little tired from working out. I am also not feeling like I have to be a big muscle daddy like the men who surround me at the gym ( I go to Gold's in Hollywood, surrounded by porn stars non stop) I am somewhat comfortable in my skin.

Something else that is new for me is this whole cruising thing in the locker room. I am a total spaz when it comes to cruising etiquette at the gym. I don't know what the proper protocol is, I have stared at guys and vice versa but that is about it. I have no clue as to how this cruising thing goes. I am definitely not one to have sex in the locker room itself, which is weird for me because when I was fucked up I would pull my dick out anywhere when I saw someone that I liked, I had no problem with that, but I guess in sobriety that is just not me. Don't get me wrong I would totally do it, if there weren't any repercussions for that behavior, but I gotta figure out how to work this out and go home with someone, because let me tell you it is about fucking time for me to get laid again, I just need some hot sweaty animalistic pig sex NOW!!!! So I will figure this out little by little and see where it goes.

I missed Saturday, although it technically is still Saturday in my head since I haven't gone to bed yet, so my music video choice for today is a song that I fell in love with the second I saw this performance. I used to play this song to myself while I was coming down to make myself think about what the hell I was doing with my life, and I would always end up in tears. I am glad I am not there anymore, but am glad to remember such days so that I never go back there again. Here is Tracy Chapman performing “Change” on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno, who by the way I fucking miss so much already!

...and I felt... nothing...

So I got back from a meeting a couple of hours ago where I had a very surprising event happen, actually a couple of things happened that I am quite surprised about. First of all, there has been this boy I have been totally obsessing over for the last couple of months who was at the rehab that I went to, and since we were both clients we couldn't do anything. So today he moved out of rehab and into another sober living, so for some reason, I honestly don't know where I got the balls to do this, I went up to him after the meeting and asked him out on a date. He said “we can hang out”, and then (I still don't know where I found my balls for this) said “no, I am asking you if you want to go out on a date with me”...and he shook his head.

9 months ago this would have devastated me completely, I would have run home crying, beating myself up, wondering what the hell was wrong with me that this totally broken down man did not want to go out with this fine piece of husband material, but...nothing...I wasn't upset by this at all. I wasn't exactly jumping up and down either, but it totally didn't affect me or my self esteem. I feel like I have made such growth in the last couple of months, first of all I finally had some balls to go up to someone and ask them out on a date, and second of all when I was rejected I didn't fall apart. I am so amazed at these new developments in my life.

Anyway, I am glad that my self esteem didn't take a hit, and to be honest i'm all “he is missing out on some great husband material here...it's HIS loss”, we'll see how long this lasts, hopefully this new attitude will stick.