Your all alone, and so peaceful until...

I had quite the trying afternoon/evening...I was in WeHo picking up my meds from my pharmacy and I decided to meet up with a good friend of mine who relapsed last weekend. I figured I would be OK since he had told me he had been back to some meetings. We met up at Starbucks for some coffee and sat down to chat for a bit. I love him to death, so I wanted to be there for him in what I thought was his time of need.

The first thing I noticed were the track marks in the creases of his arms, just staring at me, enticing me in that dark evil way things of that nature do. He didn't look bad at all, which was the first thing I sort of grabbed onto in my head. Like “oh, he got fucked up and he doesn't look bad at all...” I asked how he was doing, and the usual questions returnees get “why'd you do it?” .“was it worth it?”, “how bad did it get?” etc. And he proceeded to go on and on about how fabulous it was. How the guy he hooked up with was someone he met on craigslist, and some drop dead gorgeous porn star. How he proceeded to join him in the bedroom after the guy exclaimed “wow, you've got some nice veins...” He got shut up with meth and heroin (this was a guy who just took a cake for 2 years, and who also by the way I used to use with a couple of years ago) and then had some hot nasty sex with the guy, and they even hired an escort to share. As he went on regaling me with his story, I felt myself get aroused. My head was telling me to make him stop, but I guess the disease in me won over, cause I just let him go on and on about how fabulous it was. I tried to get a good answer to “tell me the bad stuff, and why you decided to come back to the rooms?” but he gave no good answer, so I was not able to close the book on my fantasies.

I have constant memories about hanging out with the dealer, and walking up to some new tricks' place and discovering the evil twisted nasty things we would have in common. I wish there was a switch I could just hit to turn these thoughts off. I made up some excuse that I had to get back home to make dinner, which was untrue, I just needed to get out of there as quickly as possible because I found myself staying aroused and fantasizing about a relapse. I thank God that I am in the situation that I am in, living in a sober living, where I am held accountable and where everyone would immediately know I have relapsed. That there is nowhere for me to go if I relapse, my family would disown me, I wouldn't have anyone to stay with, and no money of my own to live off of.

I have been talking to friends, sharing at meetings, anything to try and just get those thoughts out of my system, I hope this overwhelming feeling dies down soon enough, because it really is taking over my head and I don't wanna go back there.