I want muscles, all over my body!

God it has been a long exhausting week, and I haven't blogged since Tuesday, that's a real shame. I am thinking of probably taking my laptop with me to school so that I can blog, and post them during my lunch break.

I've been having a hard time adjusting to this new full time schedule at school, in fact today I slept right through my alarm and I didn't wake up till 10 ( I had to be there at 815) so I gotta get myself a better alarm and more rest. I have also added a new thing to my schedule, which is going to the gym. For the last couple of months I have been complaining a lot about how fat I feel. I have gone on a diet, and it worked for a while, losing 4 pounds without any exercise, but I decided to get back into the groove of working out. I remember in my first couple of months of sobriety I had been going to the gym religiously and I had even acquired a gym mojo, but then I got really sick and didn't go back when I got better. So I have worked out twice so far, and I have noticed that I don't feel as awkward as I had before. Before when I went to the gym I felt like Emmet from Queer as Folk, all awkward and super gay, but I don't think I care anymore what I look like. I am there for my health and to help get myself a better body I can prance around proudly. I no longer feel like a fragile little queen, I am pushing myself harder and harder and trying not to quit as easily as I would like to. I think of it this way, I kept trudging on and on after 13 days of non stop tweaking, why should I stop because I am a little tired from working out. I am also not feeling like I have to be a big muscle daddy like the men who surround me at the gym ( I go to Gold's in Hollywood, surrounded by porn stars non stop) I am somewhat comfortable in my skin.

Something else that is new for me is this whole cruising thing in the locker room. I am a total spaz when it comes to cruising etiquette at the gym. I don't know what the proper protocol is, I have stared at guys and vice versa but that is about it. I have no clue as to how this cruising thing goes. I am definitely not one to have sex in the locker room itself, which is weird for me because when I was fucked up I would pull my dick out anywhere when I saw someone that I liked, I had no problem with that, but I guess in sobriety that is just not me. Don't get me wrong I would totally do it, if there weren't any repercussions for that behavior, but I gotta figure out how to work this out and go home with someone, because let me tell you it is about fucking time for me to get laid again, I just need some hot sweaty animalistic pig sex NOW!!!! So I will figure this out little by little and see where it goes.

I missed Saturday, although it technically is still Saturday in my head since I haven't gone to bed yet, so my music video choice for today is a song that I fell in love with the second I saw this performance. I used to play this song to myself while I was coming down to make myself think about what the hell I was doing with my life, and I would always end up in tears. I am glad I am not there anymore, but am glad to remember such days so that I never go back there again. Here is Tracy Chapman performing “Change” on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno, who by the way I fucking miss so much already!