February 10th, 2008 was a big day for me...26 days earlier I had celebrated my 1 year off of crystal meth...in jail ( I was in there for my second DUI). I of course was very upset at having spent my first ever one year off crystal meth in jail, without my friends around to support me. I had become quite estranged from meetings because people were judging me for still drinking (let's leave that little issue for another day, shall we?) Anyway, here I was a couple of weeks back out in the real world, feeling fat and ugly ( I had gained about 30 pounds over my normal 145 non tweaker weight) I hadn't been validated by a man in a long while and I had decided to go to the Faultline, my favorite leather bar, to drown my sorrows with tequila and dollar beer. On the bus ride over this gorgeous stocky muscle-y hunk of a man kept looking back at me, and I of course right back at him. We both got off at the same stop, and walked into the same bar. I was floored...never had a man so gorgeous looked at me the way this man did. For the next couple of hours we would give each other looks from across the room, and I kept downing beer after beer and shot after shot, trying to build up some liquid courage to go up and start talking to this guy.
5 beers and 3 cuervo shots later I finally went up to him and began flirting heavily with him, I can't really remember how the conversation went, but I do remember his proposal. “Do you wanna go down to Flex ( a bathhouse 3 blocks down, which by the way I had never been to) and party?” Now for those of you who don't know “party” in the gay world is code for doing drugs. I could not have said “yes” any quicker...we stumbled over to Flex, at which I paid for BOTH our entrances, got us a big “fancy” room with a TV, and being both free of drugs, went about a search to find some meth. He succeeded and proceeded to invite me in to hang with this (I guess) cute Asian guy (I say I guess, because I am mostly attracted to white guys, and SOME Latin guys) and off to the races we went. We partied up a bit, and I proceeded to buy some of his stash from him, we got fucked up together in my room and if I recall correctly, he kinda went on his way.
This pattern with this guy continued time and time again, we would see each other at the baths and he would come hang with me in my room share my drugs, find someone to play with us, and then just leave. Cut to 7 months or so after that first day, and I am on my first or second week at rehab. I go to a meeting, and who do I see sitting at a picnic table in front of the meeting room? This guy indeed, he again gave me a flirty look, and my heart melted. We chatted briefly after the meeting, and went on our separate ways ( I had deleted his number from my phone as he was someone I “partied” with) until today.
I am on the bus, coming home from a long exhausting day at school, and who steps onto the bus 4 stops before I have to get off? This lovely guy, we chatted about sobriety, and what was going on with our lives, but then I had to get off the bus to go home. I haven't stopped thinking about him all day, and thanks to Google I found his full name and added him as a friend on Facebook...thoughts of a sober romance have been floating through my mind since I saw him, but as I sat down to write this I suddenly remembered....he was kind of vanilla when we were high...and usually people loose all inhibitions when they get high, so if he was a prude vanilla boy high, I can only imagine what he is like sober. It was a nice little fantasy though, it did help me remember the sort of door mat and people pleaser I was for the last few years, and it is great to see in myself the growth I have made, that I no longer have to compromise who I am as a sober man, as a sexual being, or in any other way. YAHY! Go me!
10 years ago
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