PRIDE, in a deeper love!

Wow what an amazing weekend I had filled with pride, and the growth of what looks to be a promising friendship. Yesterday (Saturday) was fucking AMAZING, I performed with my girl Tim Permanent (check him out at timpermanent.com) on the main stage, and I fucking felt like a rock star, and I was just a backup dancer, so I can only imagine how he felt. I have to admit that at the beginning of our friendship there was a hint of jealousy for what he was doing career wise, but that has slowly been drowned out by great respect, and inspiration for what you can do with your life if you put your mind to it. Our performance was brilliant, all dance steps were fiercely executed and he sang beautifully!

After we performed I hung out with one of my newest closest friends, Nick. We walked around the festival, and had a blast dancing, but the highlight of the night was seeing the FIERCE Ms. Deborah Cox perform! Not only because the diva BROUGHT IT, but seeing Nick light up as she performed really energized me, and really drove home why I love this man (oh and by the way, he is probably the first best friend I have had that I am not planning our marriage down the road).

Today(Sunday), started out well enough. Nick and I marched with SOBAR, which is a sober party at this bar called Here Lounge in West Hollywood, we enjoyed walking around WeHo and the festival for most of the day. An issue arose early in the evening when Nick ran into some of his circuit “boy” friends who were obviously high as can be. We were in this sea of muscled shirtless men, who I obviously lust over, and just watching them get more and more fucked up, and starting to get all over each other; at this point this thing I will call “Mean Girls Envy” rushed over me. These big muscled up men are the kind of men I am attracted to, manly looking and feminine acting, so I obviously idolize them without knowing much about them. They intimidate the living daylights out of me. That was issue one, I want to be them so badly, I want to be part of their world (Little Mermaid much!?) I have never felt like I fit into this crowd, but seeing Nick interact with them showed me that he (not a muscle boy himself) showed them something that they like in him, because they all flocked to him on sight.

My issues grew as the night went on, and I saw them rolling on God knows what drugs they were on, and being totally fucked up. This for the first time triggered me, I had seen people high before, but this environment, and my jealousy towards my friends Nick ability to have them in his life really began eating at me, so I did what I do...I withdrew. I didn't want to leave him alone with all these drugged up queens around him, so I just backed off and watched from the sidelines. To be honest with you, I was testing Nick. To see how long it would take him to notice that I had disappeared (5 minutes if you must know), when he walked up to check on me, I told him I was fine and that he should go back dancing ( I said that but you should've seen the pouty face I had on), I was totally screaming for attention and Nick gave me none. I wanted the impossible, I wanted him to read my mind and totally abandon his friends and try and comfort me. On the ride home we were both pretty quiet, I'm guessing from the tiring day we had just finished, and I came home to sulk. Fifteen minutes later I got a text from him saying “ This weekend was so incredibly important to me. Thank you for making it so wonderful and solidifying our friendship even more”. After reading that text, all resentment, jealousy, and disappointment vanished. Without me sending him any kind of text ( you see I was testing him again, by telling myself not to text him till he texted me) he totally acknowledged what I had wanted all along, a sign that I wasn't the only one in this friendship, that he cares for me, and that he values what we have, and for that I am grateful.

Since I missed Saturday's video I will include one of my favorite singers, Robbie Williams performing a song that totally embodies me at the moment...here he is performing “Feel” on the Tonight Show.