Oh father, if you never wanted to live that way...why am I running away?

I honestly had nothing in my head tonight, and then when I got home from a meeting my housemates were watching Finding Nemo in the living room, and as the last tear ran down my face I knew I should share about why I love this movie so much, and why it holds so much meaning to me.

My father and I have always had a civil relationship, loving to a degree, but not extremely close. I used to think that maybe he hadn't gotten the son he had always hoped for. I was a big sissy growing up, semi effeminate always interested more in arts than in sports. Also he is a HUGE math geek, and does math for fun...and after 8th or 9th grade I just could not get math. So I was always a mama's boy, as many gay men are, and after they found out I was gay I think there was more tension between us, because this fortified , I think, to him that he would never see me get married and have children. But to his credit my father has always been very supportive of whatever I wanted to do with my life, he has supported me for the last 29 years of my life, and for that I am always grateful.

One of the sweet father son moments that has always resonated with me is during my first trip to Disney World in Orlando, when we were on It's a Small World, my dad looked at my mom and me and said “ This must be what heaven is like” (yeah yeah I know it is one of the most annoying songs in the world, and it is very plastic and kitschy, but think about it...he was trying to express that heaven must be beautiful like this in the sense that people of all races are living together peacefully and happily, so save your bitchy comments to yourself...if I can do it, you can too) so whenever I go to Disneyland, I always make sure to get on that ride and think of happier more innocent days like those.

My drug use definitely created a huge rift between us, I mean he raised me well enough to know that drugs are bad, also I think when I told them (well when my sister told them) I was HIV+ it might have led him to think to himself “what did I do wrong!?”, and the truthful answer is nothing, I did these things to myself. I made these stupid decisions and I must live with the consequences. Right before my previous sobriety, I recall sending my parents Finding Nemo on DVD (I send them movies I think they will like once in a while) and I received a message from my father, which in itself was rare, since he only called to yell at me for spending too much money or something. He left me a message saying, they watched the movie, and that he totally identified with it. He felt like he was Marlin and that I was Nemo, he had lost me and had been trying for years to find the me that he knew and loved. That totally broke my heart, and since then I haven't been able to keep a dry eye at the end of that movie. I feel that now, more than ever I am getting closer to becoming a man that he can be proud of and call his son. He inspires me to no end, and I love him very much. I don't think I tell him enough, but I do.

I have nothing, nothing, NOTHING...

that's it, I cant really come up with anything clever, I have had a very long exhausting weekend of rehearsals and meetings, I will chime in tomorrow with clever shit to say, but I didnt wanna go to bed this weekend without sharing a music video, here is my favorite song by one of my favorite bands, the talented, Swedish, and very underrated Roxette with Almost Unreal, from beleive it or not...the Super Mario Brothers Movie Soundtrack! JINKIES!

You wanna fuck me like an animal...

Well good luck with that! So last night (Wednesday night) I went to a CMA meeting called Sex & Relationships in sobriety, and me having had my first real date in sobriety last Sunday it has brought up this issue to my head, which I guess has been in there for a while now. I know people look at me and think “oh she's a big ol' bottom”, but in all honest truth I have a huge issue with getting fucked. This issue stems from the fact that I have been raped twice in my life. The first time was 9 or 10 years ago by one of my boyfriends, and then most recently around June or July of last year during my relapse. This issue has come up because when I was high I could give two shits as to who put what where, that is the glory of being a fucked up mess I guess, but now that I am a sober man who is getting to know himself I see it becoming an issue.

I am a huge flirt, and have sexual innuendos coming out the whazoo non stop. This I feel has created this illusion that I am this totally secure sexual being, which I am for the most part, I mean I know what I like to do in bed, and can be pretty vocal about it, but the one part I have been holding back for the most part has been the getting fucked issue, and I am totally unprepared as to how to deal with bringing it up to guys that I like. My fear is that the second I start getting real it may turn guys off, and may stall whatever intimacy was created already. I shared this at last night's meeting and my share was immensely well received. I got applauded for my honesty, and more than one guy came up to me after the meeting and shared their similar experiences with me.

So I have concluded that I will have to learn to work through my issues/insecurities with myself, and possibly discuss them with my therapist and friends who I trust completely. I also feel that I will have to bring the issue up to some degree with whomever I am dating, and if they reject me for it, then it's their loss not mine. I feel like I would be willing to explore that act with someone I can trust, and who I know won't hurry me up and judge me for my issues. If that person is not in my life at the moment, then so be it, God has a plan for me, and I am certainly in no rush to get hitched right now. I am on a journey to get to know myself so that I can love myself fully, as the man I am, and the man that I want to become, one day at a time.

Learn to say goodbye, I yearn to say goodbye

Damn this has been one long emotional day for me. I was woken up by a text from one of my housemates telling me that he has decided to move back to Palm Springs because of all this shit that is going on at our sober living. This is a dangerous move for him, as most of his using was out there and he has mostly friends who are still tweaking and not good influences on him. His leaving reminded me that last night I had heard through the grape vine that my best friend decided to pull yet another geographical (12 step term for moving because you think THAT will cure your addiction) to Texas. So my “best friend” and one of my housemates who was one of my closest friends in the house left me abruptly (I know they didn't leave ME, but this is how my heart feels, since I do have abandonment issues). So all day I just kinda laid in bed, watching TV not wanting to deal with any of these emotions.

The clock tells me it's time to head to school, and today was the first day that I was supposed to go on the floor. I am completely terrified, because I don't feel like I am ready to cut real people's hair. As those of you who have been reading my blog know, I did my first haircut on Friday, and I fucked up half way into it. I was lucky enough to have a friend who understands where I am coming from and worked with the mistake, but I started to think, while on the bus ride to school, that I will most likely not have such understanding costumers. The last night class that graduated before me onto the floor had a whole week of practicing in the classroom, I had a day and a half. I felt so unprepared so less than, like I didn't belong on the floor yet. So I got off the bus, had dinner and turned back around to go home to make in time for a meeting.

I was in dire need of a meeting because all these emotions were getting the best of me. So I totally let it all out at the meeting and felt a great sense of relief to have let everyone in on what I was going through. It also felt great to get some amazing feedback from other hairdressers in the program who told me not to freak out, that I was in school to learn, not to be an amazing hairdresser off the bat. That indeed helped me immensely. So as I go to bed with still a sense of uncertainty as to what is going to happen tomorrow with all of us at sober living, and me at school, but at least I have done so without picking up that needle to deal with my emotions, and for that I am grateful.

I can't hear the bells, my head isn't reeling! The bridesmaids aren't singing!

So last night I had my first date in sobriety, and I couldn't be on any higher cloud right now. For many reasons. First of all it just feels good to be liked, and it feels great to hold hands with someone, kiss and snuggle with them during a movie, it is just an amazing feeling.

The main reasons that I feel so good about it though, are attributed to how much my thinking has changed since my last date, which I am guessing was probably about a year and a half to two years ago. This time I have my priorities straight, which I believe I have listed before, but I will list them again just in case I didn't!
1.Sobriety
2.School
3.Work(whenever I get it)
4.Family
5.Friends
6.Boyfriend

Secondly, and I think most important to my sanity and sobriety is the fact that even after spending a wonderful evening with the lad I did not go into “marriage mode” which is something I do, correction, DID a lot. I would immediately plan out our whole relationship in my head, picture our future together, culminating in a life with a house, friends, parties, etc. God knows if that side of me will rear its ugly head at some other point, but for now I am still quite focused on where I have to be in my life, the things that I have to do in my life in order for it to keep moving forward. Who knows if this will lead into a relationship more than a friendship? The blessing I have in my life right now is that I am not over analizing this shit to death. And the reason that I changed the lyrics from the Hairspray song “I CAN hear the bells” isn't be cause I don't this this guy isn't special enough to be the one or anything, its just that for once I am not hearing those wedding bells ringing after just one date, and that is a great step for me, and I couldn't be prouder!

Face, face, face I give face, beauty, face...

Wow, what a week I have had. As I mentioned before this was my week of finals at school, before I head to the floor to take on real clients. It has been a rollercoaster week for me, emotionally. You see along with doing a final haircut on a model, we also have to do these things called benchmarks, where they time you on how long it takes you to do certain things. Such as a long layers haircut, a perm set, and a full head highlight foil. The last class that went to the floor had a whole week of preparing before doing these benchmarks, they barely gave us one day to practice before our benchmarks because there is a big ol transition going on at school, so we get the shitty end of the stick! So Wednesday night we had our highlight benchmark and we started an hour later than planned, and therefor I wasn't able to finish before class was over. I totally beat myself up all night and the following day. I thought to myself I had no business being a hairstylist and that I would never amount to anything. The next day I spent all day looking over my notes for our next procedure, the perm set. That totally helped me out, and I did it in one hour and twenty five minutes (we were alloted two and a half hours for this) so I felt really good about myself. My self esteem had been restored back to it's normal level.

Cut to today, the day where we perform a haircut of our choice on a live model (benchmarks are performed on doll heads) I had looked over my notes, and I also went over a video I took of the DVD instructing us how to do the cut my roommate and I had come to an agreement on doing. So all the way to school I watched the videos on my Zune, and went over all the sectioning and stuff that I had to do. I get on the floor, and start performing the cut. I start out slow, but good, my confidence is at a moderate level and my nerves are leveled out as well. I finish her right side, and it looks flawless if I do say so myself, but the second I put down the last strand of hair on her left side, I stare at her and begin to panic. I forgot to take into account that I am right handed, and therefor when I move to do her left side I must angle my fingers in a different way so that they match the other side. So instead of her left side mirroring her right side, I have created an asymmetrical do (aka the Posh Spice). I immediately begin to panic, I get very anxious, sweat profusely and my eyes begin to swell up because of this (I think) HUGE faux pas I have created! Immediately, my model/roommate/friend turns to me and tells me to calm down, that I have not done something that can not be corrected. I compose myself, say the serenity prayer a gazillion times and begin to create a new strategy with my instructor. So we calmly looked her over, and he helped me in getting my shit together enough to make her hair look its best. So in the end I am grateful that I have this amazing understanding friend who was able to pull me out of my neurosis and bring me back to earth to finish a fabulous new do, if I do say so myself. So in the end it all worked out fabulously! I am done with hell week, and will start taking on clients on Wednesday of next week. That is a total different mind fuck, but if I can get through this mistake, I know I can get through anything. Below is the result of my first full on haircut on a real live girl! AND WHAT!?



Since I will be out all day today at rehearsal I figured I would post my video for the week. Since the title of this post refers to Ms. Bebe's rap in RuPaul's Cover Girl (Put the Bass in Your Walk) I have decided to put up one of my favorite videos of her, her duet with Elton John covering his original Kiki Dee duet “Don't Go Breaking My Heart”...and I just fucking LOVE when she does the Cher bit in this! WHOA Chastity!

I get wings to fly, God knows I'm alive!

Wow have I been crazy or what? It is Wednesday morning, it is hump day and I can't wait for the weekend to be here for two reasons: I will have finished my hell week at school, and rehearsal's would be here!

School is going pretty good, I am very excited because this is my week of finals before I head to the floor and start taking customers. This is very scary for me, cause they are not like friends who don't mind a nick here or there, and are getting a free service. These are paying customers who have a very clear idea of what they want, God knows I wouldn't wish myself on myself, as I am one tough customer when it comes to hair. I got a 91 on my written test, now I only have my practical test on Friday on my live model, where I get to perform a haircut on her. My lovely roommate has been gracious enough to volunteer herself to be my first guinea pig. A lot of my insecurities are coming out this week and I am extra sensitive when it comes to my abilities, I am trying to work through them and I am sure that with the help of my friends, teachers and especially my higher power I will do a great job on her, and whoever comes in through the doors of our salon.

As for rehearsal's they are going AMAZING, Sunday we did two amazing things! First we met with a cheerleading instructor who helped us in learning some stunts for the finale, this totally took me back to high school when I was the co-captain of our cheerleading squad, the one little caveat to the whole thing was that my base partner (the other guy lifting the acrobat with me) is a little taller than me, and they might have to replace me because I can't seem to get his legs even, and if I end up doing another smaller stunt I know my ego would be a bit hurt by it. If that does happen I do have my big number to stroke it back up, as that is the second thing we did that day. We staged my number from beginning to end and I couldn't be happier. This character reflects me in so many different ways it's not funny. First of he smiles and sings through a whole bunch of tough situations, which I totally identify with, as I was always taught to put on a brave front, and not show your true feelings out to others as much as you can. And finally there is a line in my song, where I am supposed to happily say “Bring me a disease that he got from his ho, oh” and the reason I identify with that so much is because the reason I zero converted was because my boyfriend at the time would not have sex with me and/or date me seriously until I was HIV positive too, so I am trying to incorporate all of this into this lovely cheery number of mine.

So at the end of the day I am still tired as all hell, but my life could not be better, so I am definitely immensely grateful.