I can't eat, I can't sleep anymore...

Alright, one of those is not true...as I sit in front of my laptop with a bowl of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream, I am unable to sleep. I tired my usual “taking care of business” with porn...TWICE, and my other ritual of watching Golden Girls to make me sleepy, neither of which worked. I think I am a little worried to go back to school tomorrow morning.

See what happened was, I have missed a lot of school, and I was put on attendance probation, which meant that if I missed one day of school, or arrived one minute late I would be suspended for three days, and if I missed again after that I might be expelled. I did fine for a week, then I got the flu. They restarted my time when I got back, and I did fine again for the first week, but then I slept right through my alarm on Tuesday. I tried calling in that night (when the administrator would be out) and leaving this lady Nicole a message, but her box was full; so I suspended myself for three days and I go back. I am scared that I might get expelled, and I really don't want this to happen. I was finally getting the swing of hair, I understood the architecture of haircuts, color, and I was getting my groove on when it came to hair creativity. I admit hair isn't my first passion, musical theater still holds that position, but I have learned to love what I do. I am also scared to fail at something yet again, I have had so many signs that make me feel like I am a loser, and I can't finish things, I really don't need another thing telling me that feeling this way is right. I am hoping that I do not get expelled, and I get given another chance, but do you know how many chances I have gotten from this school!? I am scared that the schedule that I am on is wearing me out too much, and I won't be able to make it. This god damn flu kicked my ass, it's bad enough that I have the god damn AIDS, and hepatitis C, but that flu just knocked the wind out of me and I have been so fucking tired, I have cut down on my meetings, and still I am just pooped, I am frightened that not only will I not be able to finish school, but even if I do that I wont be able to function in the real world, with a real job. To quote Ms. Dorothy Gale...”I'm frightened Auntie Em, I'm frightened!!”

It's been a long road, getting from there to here...

So yesterday, right after I published my last blog I made a very startling realization. This has been the longest that I have ever been clean, EVER. My previous attempt at sobriety, started on January 15th, 2007 and ended on Grammy night of 08 (which was 2/10/08), that was one year and twenty five days, I currently have 1 year, 1 month, and 10 days. This realization last night, really strengthened my self esteem as far as my program is pertained. I could honestly give two fucks what people have to say about my program, I wish I had made this realization Saturday afternoon, because I had somewhat of an incident that made me loose faith in this program, the people in it to be exact. The speaker I had lined up for my meeting that night went M.I.A. , so I was scrambling at the last minute to find someone via phone. A lot of people were busy, or had plans they could not break, but one person called me back and said something along the following lines: “I don't feel comfortable speaking at your meeting because I don't support the way you run your program, and I don't want anyone to think that I do” I was so fucking pissed off at this douche bag! He was being selfish, and stupid in my opinion. First of all, you are not supposed to say no to a request to speak, that is my first point; but I feel that he wasn't punishing me ( I have heard him speak a million times before, and didn't really care for hearing him cry through his same ol story yet again, but I was desperate for a speaker) he was punishing the other people who attend that meeting, the newcomers who are going through rehab and haven't heard him share before, even though I may not have gotten anything from his share, he could have gotten to somebody else who may have needed to hear his story, hear his hope. Something else that I thought was, that in a sense I was being punished for my honesty; I mean does he know everyone's program who's meeting he has spoken at, or for that matter does he know if they truly have the time that the say they do!? I was having coffee with my best friend Chad the other day, and a friend of his joined us, he had 10 days of sobriety, and I was asking him about what meetings he went to, he said to me he was leery of going to meetings geared towards meth addicts because the last time he went to one, the speaker said he had 8 years, and in fact this guy had partied with him only weeks before; so he went out again after seeing him and didn't stop using for two or so years; he also shared that he wasn't comfortable with going to meetings for alcoholics because he wasn't comfortable sharing his drug experiences in those rooms. I assured him, that not everyone in the meth program is a liar, that there will definitely be others like that first speaker, or people who talk about you behind your back, but there will always be honest, loving, non-judgmental people there too. I think what I am trying to say is what I have said many times before, ain't nobody's opinion of me and/or my program gonna ever make me not show up to a meeting when I need one.

Guess who's back!?

So, it's been a couple of weeks since my last blog. I have to admit something, I was shut in my room for two weeks straight, only coming out to eat and to use the bathroom...but YES I am still clean, I was merely sick with the swine flu (appropriate, huh!?) I know I could have written since my computer was right there next to my bed, but I was just in such a funk...I have this love/hate relationship with being sick. Of course the hate part comes from just being in total pain but the love comes from the fact that I can do what I love best, which is to just lay down and watch TV all day and night. I have definitely caught up with most of my shows, and I started watching some new ones ( I am LOVING Modern Family, and Flash Forward!!)

I did manage to leave the house last Sunday because I had tickets to the gay event of the season, Kylie Minogue at the Hollywood Bowl, and what a fucking blast that was! West Hollywood must have been empty, because the Bowl was crawling with every muscled up plucked queen there has ever been! Ms. Minogue was in rare form and fucking just kicked ass! I came back and kept recovering from the swine flu for a couple of more days before heading back to my regular schedule of school, and work.

One major development that has happened, is that my best friend in the world Chad has resurfaced. Chad was someone that I met in rehab about a year ago, and we became the best of friends, he was the Mary to my Rhoda, the thing about Chad is that for the first time in a long time someone “got me”, my sense of humor, my music, my moods, EVERYTHING, and I got his! There have been many substitute best friends in between, but none that matched the relationship that we had, and now thankfully we have again. We have hung out a couple of times now, and it has been great just picking up where we left off, catching up on our lives, and just getting back to living life to the fullest. There has been plenty of drama going on, which I will definitely write about soon, but for now I will go lay down, watch some TV and rest up for my first day back at work. It being Saturday I will share a song that is very dear to me and my bestie Chad, “Son of a Preacher Man” by the incomparable Dusty Springfield!

Maybe I'm addicted, I'm out of control...but you're the only reason I'm trying...

I am so fucking excited that tonight marks the official beginning of the 2009 TV season! TV is truly my first addiction and I don't plan on ever doing anything about it, some of my favorites are coming back: How I Met Your Mother, Big Bang Theory, NCIS, Ghost Whisperer and Family Guy to name a few, there is also a show that I just became a fan off over the summer, that one is Bones, and of course Glee goes without saying as being one of my favorite new shows, which was created by the people who brought us Popular a while ago (one of my all time favorite shows) and of course there is the crop of new shows that I am looking forward to seeing: NCIS: LA, Flash Forward, Stargate: Universe, Eastwick and mid season replacement V! Tonight I already saw one of the newer shows I was interested in, and that one is Accidentally on Purpose, which is a sitcom on CBS starring Jenna Elfman, whom I LOVE from one of my ultimate fave shows Dharma & Greg (since I long to meet MY Greg sometime) it was cute, and promising, it has a cute premise: woman breaks up with commitment-phobic boyfriend, has a one night stand with a YOUNG guy from a bar, and gets pregnant with his kid,then ex boyfriend wants to get back together...the pilot was quite promising, but it's still to early to say whether it'll be able to keep bringing the funny week after week. I am just so grateful for my TiVo, and may I just briefly go on and on about my favorite little computer program, Tivo Desktop Plus!!?? What with my busy school/work/meeting schedule I don't always have time to watch ALL the things my TiVo records for me, so I can just transfer whatever show I wanna watch onto my computer and then convert it to an mp4 file so that I can watch it anywhere I take my Zune with me! I love the damn thing, because I have been able to take all the musical numbers from Glee and turn them into little music videos for myself, so fucking fun! Anyway, off I go to watch HIMYM and BBT before bed!

Last night I partied like it was 5769!

Don't worry kids, I did not “party” last night I was merely adapting a popular song for comical purposes of conveying what I did last night, which was I went to temple and partook in Rosh Hashana services at Kol Ami! I hadn't been to temple in a while, I know...bad bad Jew, but it totally was an amazing and spiritual experience for me. It made me contemplate my year, which has been one of some turmoil but in general has been great.

The temple that I go to is amazing, the rabbi is an amazing lesbian and the cantor is just to DIE FOR! His voice and the musical arrangements that he comes up with are just so moving and genius. My friend Rob, who got me into services for free offered to help me get a membership at our congregation (which is normally a very expensive thing) and I am definitely interested, the only thing holding me back is that I haven't officially converted to judaism. You see in judaism you're supposed to be your mother's religion and in Christianity your supposed to be your father's religion so I'm technically not supposed to have a religion at all. I went to church till I was around 10 or so, after which I could not handle all the hate that I heard from the priest, it confused me because my abuela (my mother's mother) was so religious and full of love, I could not understand why she belonged to such a hateful religion. I then learned that the religion itself isn't hateful, or at least it doesn't have to be. Anyway, I felt that judaism at least non orthodox judaism was far more welcoming than many other religions I have encountered, and the one I can identify with the most. I will most likely take a class at temple that is kind of an introduction to judaism and hopefully when I am done with school at Aveda, I will be able to fully take on classes to officially convert to judaism. I am by no means, a Torah thumper ( in fact I couldn't possibly quote you ANYTHING from the holy book) but I believe in this loving and caring God that I have been exposed to at Kol Ami, and look forward to growing not only as a man, but as a spiritual being.

It being Saturday, I will share with you a song that I had totally forgotten about till this fierce lady came out with her last album, and I went back to her older shit, I totally love this song, and would love sharing it with you, here is Robyn with “Show me Love”!

A sad state of affairs, this place could use a little repair...

I could say I am surprised, but then that would be a lie, I get home today from having an amazing evening with some friends to hear that they are canceling the meeting at my rehab, because they “allowed” me to take a cake there. I can understand them going on the record as being against my taking a cake, but to cancel a meeting that a lot of people depend on is just so fucking sad. Some of these people who have positions of “power” in recovery really let those positions get to their heads. I was going to take someone's advice and just stay quiet, and go to my meetings and get what I need from them and thats it, but that would be denying who I really am. People are just so fucking stupid with power sometimes!

I had an amazing session with my therapist today, which really cleared up a lot of things. I told him everything that had gone on this last week, with my controversy and to say he was enraged would be an understatement, this is a man who has 20+ years of sobriety, so it's not like he's someone ignorant to what 12 step programs are about. He likened those who are so angry about my taking a cake to people who wanted to pass Proposition 8, and extremist bible thumpers; who think that their way is THE way the program should be, when there is NOTHING in the 12 steps or traditions that mentions anything along these lines, as a matter of fact there is nothing in any of the books that even mentions celebrations of sobriety milestones. People say that drinking a glass of wine, or beer here and there is still affecting your head from thinking clearly. With that argument we should also be free of cigarettes, coffee, food, sex, should people who overindulge or stuff their feelings in addictive ways be prevented from taking cakes too? “Last week you shared about those 12 anonymous loads you took in a bush so you shouldn't take a cake, because that wasn't sober behavior” could be an argument made under that guise. It is just enraging to me how self important people who have time can be.

I will also repeat something I have said before, would you like me to start putting out lists of people who I KNOW for a fact have had alcohol, and even meth for that matter who have taken cakes for YEARS, when they barely have one under these small minded rules!? I am practicing MY PROGRAM of honesty, maybe the answer is to do what NYC does, not have sobriety milestones celebrations, how would you like THAT!? Then you would take away from all those new comers who have no idea what this lame bullshit debate is all about, people who have one or two days still coming down off of meth who see us bickering over somebody taking a cake!!?? A GOD DAMN CAKE!! You are more than welcome to use me as a cautionary tale if you want after I take a cake, tell them how my program is wrong all you want, but I am secure in the fact that I have not put a needle, pipe, straw, bump full of meth anywhere near me in over a year, and HURRAH for that! I am going to school, and taking care of business! So go ahead and put my program down all you want, I could really give two shits about what you have to say about it.

Imagine this scenario, a newcomer goes to his first meeting EVER, he is tired of getting fucked up on meth, his life has clearly become unmanageable and pathetic because of this horrendous drug he has been putting in his body for years, he doesn't think that alcohol is a problem for him, he hasn't really thought about drinking as an escape from his problems or feelings, he simply likes a glass of wine with dinner or the occasional Cosmo. He comes into a room where he expects love and kindness and help for his meth problem, but people keep yelling at him that he has to do it their way, or ELSE; so this guy doesn't come back into a meeting, and maybe he stays off meth for a bit, but he doesn't have a group of friends who know what he is going through, no one to share with when he craves that meth pipe every night, someone to call with his problems, so he just goes back to getting high over and over again. This should be a program of love and ACCEPTANCE, and it pains me to think that some people may not get the opportunity to make their lives better because somebody disagrees with the way I do MY program.

The end, is so much harder, when brought about by friends...

So as I mentioned yesterday, 8 years ago today I did something that forever changed my life. It was the day after we were attacked in NYC, the reality of it was slowly settling in. I had been partying recreationaly by then for about a year and a half now, keep it to once or twice a month at the most, and only on weekends. I was dealing with depression, though I hadn't started taking medicine for it. I was severely depressed and the tragic events had made me loose all faith and hope in humanity. I remember vaguely going to “party” with some hot little muscle boy on the Upper West Side for a while, but then I got a phone call from a friend of mine who lived in this palatial West Village penthouse, we had partied many times together, and he had offered to slam me many times before (slam is slang for shooting up, or injecting a drug intravenously) I had declined him, as I didn't want to be one of those kind of junkies; but as what little self respect and love that I had left inside me weakened I accepted his offer this time, and so began the beginning of my downward spiral. I remember feeling that first rush, how overwhelming it was, how “right” it felt, how I had finally found nirvana. Looking back on that day, I thankfully have mostly disgust rumbling around my body and mind. I often wonder where my life would have been had I never taken that first hit off the needle, but I never regret it, as it has brought me on the journey that I am on today.

Back then, I felt like I had joined an exclusive club. It's funny to me that before I shot up I looked at those who did as the lowest of the low, and felt such pity and disgust for them, but as soon as I became one of them, my feelings changed. Not that I felt that now that I was one of them, they weren't so bad, but the fact was that I was so proud of myself to be the lowest of the low. I can't believe how much my mind was warped by that awful drug. I am so happy to not be in that frame of mind anymore, but to be proud of where I am today, METH FREE for over a year now, it is so much clearer for me today that NO ONE, can fucking take that away from me. NO ONE!

This video, takes me back to college, one year before these tragic events, it's of a simpler time in my life. Here is Skid Row, with I Remember You!

Eight years ago today I woke up late (as always), and turned on my TV to NY1 while I got ready for work. I saw people standing outside there cars on the New Jersey side of the Holland Tunnel saying that this was one of the most horrifying things they had ever seen, I screamed at them “oh get over it, so they closed the Holland Tunnel again, stop being such whiny little bitches!” but then the reporter began explaining what had happened hours earlier, and they began showing the footage of the first plane hitting the tower. My knees instantly buckled, and I began to well up with emotion. I skipped my morning shower, and got dressed and ran to my office. I tried calling my parents on the way to work, but all cell reception was down. I could see a big cloud of smoke just rushing out of the downtown area (which was close to my office), when I got into the office my coworkers were all stunned as I was, and we did not know what to do with ourselves. I tried calling my parents again from my work phone, but that wasn't working either. I was in a panic, I did not know what to do, because I knew that my parents would be worried about me. I signed onto AOL and saw that somebody I went to college with was online, so I IM'd him and asked him to please call my parents, and tell them that I was OK. He did so, and as he acted as a mediator for me and my mother over the phone/internet I began sobbing uncontrollably.

I can barely recall the people I've slept with in the last couple of months, who I partied with two years ago, but I can remember the days surrounding September 11th impeccably. I remember that the night before I went to Musical Mondays with my friend Bryan, and that afterwards we went to have our usual post musical dinner at Cafeteria. I remember being in my office, when a friend of my boss' who worked near the towers walked up to our office covered in soot, and we had to move all the fliers and boxes we had in the shower so that he could clean himself off, I also remember what devastating act I performed the next day which I will blog about tomorrow, because that deserves a blog onto itself. I also remember that though this was meant as a devastating attack on our country, it brought us so much closer together for a while. There is this special bond between people that were there on that day, that can never be broken. NYC was forever changed, and I was part of that change, I will never forget that day. It is so weird for me to be out here, in California where most people don't “get” what this day meant to us new yorkers that were there, I am definitely in need of a meeting tonight, and in need of love, and I am sure that I will find it.

I'm not gonna take it, NO I ain't gonna take it, I'm not gonna take it...ANYMORE

Oh what a night, I hadn't planned on going to a meeting at my old rehab, much less taking a cake for one year off of meth at it, but seeing my good friend and supporter James there, inspired me to do so, and what a decision THAT turned out to be.

So as all of you know, I have had some drinks in the last year or so, I haven't hidden it, in fact I wasn't caught, I told on myself when I did drink. So I have been very open, and honest about the fact that I have drunk in the last year and week. So, as I was in the kitchen unpacking my cake, I was pulled aside by the secretary of the meeting, who had been approached by a number of people who didn't think I should be allowed to take a cake at this meeting. My inner addict wanted to RUN the fuck out of there, but I was given a tool in this program called contrary action. So I sat my ass down, and let God take it into his hands. After the speakers both shared their experience, strength and hope the meeting came to a screeching halt as we spent 15 minutes debating on whether or not I should take a cake. I was honestly ready to not take a cake, but surprisingly when the vote came up the majority voted for me to take my cake. It was so surreal to me that this was going on, I mean never before had I seen anybody's sobriety being voted on. It was so funny to me that people got to vote on my taking a cake, where I was honest about what I have done in the last year. I know of plenty of people who have taken cakes for years of sobriety and I know for a fact that they have had alcohol, and even meth. I decided to be honest and take my cake because to me it is a huge accomplishment. I am extremely proud of what I have done in this past year, and it surprises me how little it matters to me what other people think of me, and my program. In fact having half the meeting centered around me and MY program, really gave me quite the ego boost, which I need to get back in check because the world does NOT revolve around me. I am truly grateful for what occurred tonight, and it has indeed strengthened my spirit, and my self esteem.

OMIGOD, OMIGOD YOU GUYS! I am one!

So my one year off meth was last Sunday, and I sort of chickened out to go to the meeting I usually go to on Monday to take a cake for one year, but I finally got my balls back on Wednesday and decided to take a cake then, I also took a cake tonight at the meeting I started last November. It has been a great eye opening experience for me, to finally have my balls and bravery enough to go into a room with people who disagree with me, and judge me for my program, and take a cake and acknowledging that a year ago August, 30th I stopped getting fucked up on meth. It was truly an amazing experience having my mother, and sister here sharing with me their pride in me, they brought out a side of me that I hadn't seen in a while.

Something came to mind sometime this week while I was on my cake tour, and that is that not once in this whole year had I come close to doing meth. The last time I had a year, I had gone to my dealer's house twice, I went over to hang with someone who was using in order to get high once, and also I put a pipe in my mouth once, but thank God that the torch was out of gas, so I couldn't light it. This year I have had focus, and a purpose in life, and it has just been an incredible and amazing year. I am truly grateful for my cleanliness and the path that I am on now.

So I haven't posted a video in a while, and since it was my birthday I will be the musical theater dork that I am and love to be, last week on Tuesday I went to go see Legally Blonde: The Musical and I was expecting it to be mediocre and totally tacky, but it surprised me, very much like the movie it had a heart and some cute acting, so here is the opening number from it which I LOVE!

And I remember...

So 1 year ago today I was held up in my apartment, with bed sheets covering every single window in the place, I had been up for 7 days, I hadn't talked to my family in three weeks and I was all alone, just me, meth, porn, and the computer. It was the Friday of Labor Day weekend and I was taking a four hour break to start another long run, I am sitting on my filthy couch watching my TiVo crying my eyes out at a Law & Order: Criminal Intent episode when I hear a knock at my door. I think it's the police, not only because of my meth psychosis but also because there was a warrant out for my arrest. I saw this handsome face staring at me, I figured a cop, but no I open the door to see my brother in law and sister standing before me. I was half naked, reeking of meth sweat, piss, sex, lube, you name it I was covered in it. I didn't want them to come in because my place was such a gross mess, but they said they didn't mind and talked their way in. They told me that they loved me, and that I needed help because I was worrying the shit out of my parents, I cried uncontrollably for a while till we figured out a plan, we called the rehab I went to YEARS ago, Alternatives, and get assured that I could probably move in on Monday or Tuesday. They took me to a hotel to detox in North Hollywood, and they fed me. They stayed with me for two days, and then let me stay at my place alone, for one night before checking into rehab. Cut to, almost one year later (yesterday) when my mom, sister, brother in law and nephew all drove out to see me, and congratulate me on my year off meth. I have to say these have been two of the most amazing days I have had this last year. I got to hug, hold, and kiss my mamita and show her the man I have grown into. Today I got to show her even more, when she came to school to get her hair done by me, I usually hate doing all the Aveda rituals like massages, mini facials, and makeup touch ups but today I pampered my mother like there was no tomorrow. Seeing her face glow, and looking into her eyes and seeing not only pride, but also a sense of calm that her son isn't out there getting fucked up and disappearing for weeks on end. Seeing my family, and their happiness really reminds me of how many people I can affect with what I do, and it will surely keep me clean for a long long time.

Back in business and ain't it grand? Let the good times roll...

So for the two people who read my blog, you probably noticed I have been quiet for the last week and a half or so, and boy do I have a lot to catch up on! I am writing to you today from my new room in my new sober living. Here is what happened, on Sunday the 16th I made my return to the DJ booth at my own party, Betty Ford Lounge; and it was a bust. Usually we have a crowd of about 150 to 200 people, but this time we had about 40 or so people in attendance. I of course took it personally, blaming myself for it thinking to myself things like “nobody likes you” and “nobody respects you”and “you are a horrible DJ you don't deserve success” so I did, what I rarely do, which is I drank alcoholically. Normally, I drink a couple of drinks to be social and that is it, but after having what I thought was a disastrous afternoon I wanted to drink my troubles away (I hadn't done this for 3 years now, when my best friend died of heart failure) so off I went to the Faultline (one of our local leather bars) and proceeded to drink shot after shot after shot to forget what I was feeling. I had also had a huge blowout with the asshole that was my house parent the day before, and we had gotten our internet taken away from us, so I was SO fucking tired of living at my sober living. So I came home, and I was surprisingly not SUPER drunk, to the degree that I could've just walked into my room, gone to sleep and no one would have been the wiser. My therapist thinks that I subconsciously wanted to get kicked out, and so I then proceeded to talk to half of my housemates, now I am a pretty good actor, but not enough to hide the smell of tequila. I fessed up to my drinking, and proceeded to spend the night at motel to sleep it off.

Next day, my wish is granted and I am kicked out of my sober living, I had obviously not though this through because I instantly became homeless. The first half of the day became a bit scary for me as no one was able to offer me a couch commitment, it wasn't till around 6 or 7 that my dear friend and former housemate Juan said that I could not only spend the night, but could stay with him till a bed opened up at another sober living, which is where I have been for the last week and a half. Today I took the day off from school and proceeded to move into my new sober living, which is AMAZING. I get my own room in the back of the house, I will have a dish network connection in my room, I have internet as you can see, and most importantly I get to keep my kitty with me. People still ask me to this day, why I don't think I am an alcoholic? I tell them this, I can put down a margarita down quite easily, I can NOT put down a needle filled with meth once I have picked it up, at least not till my life doesn't get turned upside down first. Will I ever turn into an alcoholic? Possibly, but not today. I will not be drinking again till I move out of this sober living, which won't be till January or February of next year when I am close to graduation from school.

I am days away from my one year anniversary off meth, which is a big deal for me, my mom and sister are coming into town tomorrow and we are spending a great weekend together enjoying each others company, they will see the man I have become and I hope that I will make them proud. For now I will just get into my jammies and get to bed so that I may wake up early enough for school, and be grateful for the bed and roof I have over me today.

Prejudice, wrote a blog about it, want to hear it? Here it goes...

Now, I don't want to seem heterophobic, but I don't think I like straight people very much, well other than my family. I have lived in a gay bubble for most of my adult life, rarely dealing with the straights, but with my new career that is something I have had to get used to. Making small talk with giggly girls, and laid back dudes, it has truly been harder for me to do that, than to figure out a color formula. I can do some light general guy talk with the girls, and as far as the guys if they aren't into Metallica, Ultimate Fighting, or football I got nothin'!

There have been some exceptions to this general feeling of mine, first there is my friend Pat who I met in boarding school, but he is bi and is gayer than I am so he shouldn't really count; it has only been recently that I have started forging friendships with a couple of straight guys. The first being one of my classmates at hair school, a guy I totally had a crush on, but who I have grown to love for the sweet teddy bear of a man that he is, he knows EVERYTHING about me, and I can speak honestly with him about guys and any tricky situations I may find myself in, and he is there for me without judgment and just a kind word, and a loving ear. The newest addition to my straight menagerie was one of my housemates at sober living. First I must go on a small prejudice bigoted rant, I am in a gay rehab, and it really has gotten on my nerves when “straight” guys have been let in. I have been told that this is a rehab like any others, but if that is true then why is the 1800 number, 1800-DialGay!!?? Some of the straight guys that have been in here, have probably not been so straight, and therefor belong in a gay rehab, but there have been a couple who come into our safe haven, where we should be free to go around saying “girl” and calling each other “she” and “lady”; and have tried to tear us down for doing so. If you have such a problem with this behavior, the door is that way, and there are plenty and I mean PLENTY of other rehabs for people like you, rehabs where if we were to act like ourselves we would be humiliated, beat down, and forced back into that dark closet, but I digress. My latest addition to my straight friends has not been one of these guys, he is one of the coolest, smartest, laid back, and open minded guys I have ever met. We have spent many nights just hanging out, watching TV talking shit to each other, just being ourselves without any judgments. I am grateful for guys like this, who have broken my stupid preconceived notions about straight guys, and who are there for me whenever I need them. I need more friends like this, and I was saddened to see him go today, I am hoping that our friendship will not end after his moving out, but only time will tell, and I hope that he gets to expand my mind and heart to others like him.

So to bring out the straight guy in me, here is one of my favorite rock songs of all time, which to gay it up I should let you know that I used to masturbate to this video a lot during high school , before I found porn! :-) Here is Danzig with “Mother”

Going to the chapel and we're gonna get married...

So last Sunday I met this totally hot daddy, and went home with him...we had an amazing time sexually, and what made it all the better was the fact that I threw every curve ball in my arsenal (recovering addict, sober living, HIV, etc) and none of those things sent him running the other way, which was great. So off I went the rest of Sunday, and most of Monday on cloud nine planning out our marriage, our life, and then reality set back in on our second rendezvous...there we were naked in his bed, and off he went on a two hour tangent about HIV not causing AIDS. Most may think, wow that man is crazy for thinking that, and even though I am a sucker for conspiracy theories IN THE MIDDLE OF SEX...ON OUR SECOND “DATE”!!?? That burst my bubble quicker than you can say zipeede doo dah! When he wasn't going off on the 205 reasons why AIDS is a drug company conspiracy, he was telling me how proud he was off my accomplishments (getting off meth, going to school, etc.) which was nice, but after the 15th time it kinda got old and repetitive. He also went on to imply that he wanted to be in a relationship with someone, Jesus H. Christ I never thought it would be possible, but I met someone a little more “crazy” than me...so we're engaged...just kidding, anyway, we'll see how things go, I would love to keep seeing him sexually, cause wow are we ever compatible there...but I also don't want to lead him on. I am not sure that I am ready for a relationship anyway, much less with someone far more needy than me...on a lighter note I just got back from watching the new movie Julie & Julia which was adorable and a half, it actually inspired me some more on this whole blogging thing again.

He wasn't man enough for me

So I just finished watching “He's Just Not That Into You” and I surprisingly enough loved it, I totally identified with one of the main characters Gigi...who was this insecure girl always reading too much into every conversation and everything a guy does, and totally over analyzes everything in order to make him “the one”. Although I have recently only done that with friends, trying to make everyone out to be my new best friend. I guess it is that intense need to have a confidant that makes me trying and find one everywhere I go. I have known this forever, and I wish I could stop myself but I just haven't been able to. I do find comfort in the fact that at least now I am able to identify it and not let it affect me and take over my life like it has before. I talked about it in therapy this last week, and I definitely feel like I have grown in that regard, I mean I was not overly sensitive about the end of my friendship with my friend Nick...I just have to stop calling anyone I have hung out with more than three times my best friend, it is just getting so fucking sad. Like the love of my life, I know that someday I will find that guy that gets me and will love me for who I am, faults and all. Anyway, I need to get to bed, but I wanna share with you one of my favorite music videos, visually...and that is George Michael's Freek!

The fire's got you down on both knees, and the walls are closing in, but I will break through...

This has truly been an exhausting, and somewhat emotional week for me. It started out last Monday with bed bug extermination attempt number 6 (number 7 is coming tomorrow btw) and my attempt at trying to move out of sober living was nixed by my parents, saying that they were worried by my drinking, and weren't sure if they could trust me out in the real world yet. I dove into a state of depression that I hadn't been in for a long while now, not since I was out there high. I was resorting to old behaviors of not leaving my house, except for “essentials” like cigarettes, food, or a meeting here and there...I missed school, though part of the days I missed were due to my stressed related pink eye, but the thing is I didn't care anymore, I just wanted to be in my own little depressed world watching my TiVo and not thinking about what I was gonna do for another couple of months in this place I so despise at the moment, having to deal with 8 other clashing personalities, no privacy, no complete freedom to come home as I please, or go to certain establishments as I please. Day by day though I have been slowly growing into acceptance of my situation. Just when I thought things could not get worse, my friend Nick and I had a falling out, because basically he critiqued me on my passive aggressiveness and since I felt like he was putting up a mirror to show me my faults, I figured I would put a mirror right back and point out his faults as well; that did not go over very well, and he told me never to contact him again, and I surprisingly felt this sense of relief. I am more than willing to work on my faults but I need someone who sees who I truly am, and loves me with those faults and wants to help me grow as a man, he was obviously not that type of friend. I wish him the best in his life, and as much as I would like to blog about all the things he is doing to fuck up his life, I won't go into details because it's not really my business to put his shit out there, I am better than that.

This week did end with some glimmers of hope for me though, yesterday I got a text from my friend and hairdresser Paul, asking me if I wanted to start my externship today, instead of on August 9th, to which I replied a resounding “YES!” , so today I went to the salon I will be working at now called Sugar in silverlake, and had a pretty good first day of assisting, it wasn't extremely difficult, but it wasn't a breeze either, and to cap the whole day off I got a nice visit from my sister who was visiting from Vegas, she came to pick me up along with her husband at work, and we had a nice talk at my sober living, reassuring me that if I keep doing what I am doing now (school, work, meetings, etc) that she doesn't see why in a couple of months my father won't finally see how I have grown, and how responsible I can be, and I can grow out of that immature, temper tantrum throwing boy that he's know for the last 29 years, I know that I have grown, and that I defiantly have to prove myself to him, and to show him that I can be a man and accept situations as they are and just learn to grow from them, so I shall try and show him.

So today I wanna share something that totally brings back memories of some of the few fun times I had back in PR, which was seeing my sister's choreography for fabulous drag queens and she did her take of the Kiss of the Spider-woman story with this amazing Grace Jones cover of a Rita Hayworth song “Amado Mio” so here is the FIERCE Ms. Jones performing it live in some foreign show!

I'm feeling very still, and I think I know my spaceship knows which way to go

Now I know what straight sci fi geeks feel like when they see two hot chicks on SciFi shows make out. I TiVo'd a miniseries on BBC America called Torchwood: Children of Earth and saw the hotest guy on guy kiss I have ever seen on regular TV. I know have to go on netflix and figure out what the hell this show has been about for the last couple of years...

Through the sleepless nights, through every endless day, I'd wanna hear you say I remember you...

A couple of days ago I got some very disturbing news, one of my friends who used to live with me in sober living is going to prison for 20 years. I love this guy very much, and it pains me to even think about what his life will be like for the next 20 years, it scares me straight to be honest. I mean, this man was sweet, smart, had a family, was going to school to get his life back together; but all that changed when he picked up that needle one more time...he apparently was on probation, and the terms of that were that if he ever tested dirty again he would be sent in for 20 years. Situations like these remind me of what could happen to me if I ever decided to put a needle back in my arm, I had heard of this happening to others, but it had never happened to someone that I knew so well. He was my sobriety brother, and a friend. We loved to joke around together, and there was always this flirtation between us that never amounted to anything but still, it was nice to come home and call him “pa'” and have him answer with “hey boy” in that sexy southern drawl of his. I luckily do not have the danger of anything like that looming over me, don't get me wrong I still have a charge waiting for me to take care of, but nothing nearly as serious as that. Thinking of the fact that he will get out when he is nearly 60 really baffles me, I will be nearly 50 when he gets out, I wonder if I will remember him then, I hope I do.

So in his honor, I would like to share a video of one of my favorite hair metal songs, which he loved a great deal...here is this post's title song Skid Row's “I Remember You”.

MMMMMmmmmm my baby's got a secret, MMMMMMmmmmmm...

So I just found out that one of my closest friends relapsed last week, but he has been telling me that he didn't, I don't want to bring it up to him because I don't want to push him away, but I also feel like as a friend I deserve his honesty. Then again when I was out there using the last thing I was with any of my friends or family was honest, so I understand where he is coming from. As you can see I am torn about what to do, it's not like it's my first time dealing with this...a couple of months ago my best friend at the time was doing the same thing, and it took me hinting and hinting towards it, and finally asking him “would you tell me if you relapsed?” when he finally said yes, but our friendship was a lot stronger, and longer...this one is still fresh, and I don't feel like he can trust me, or maybe he's not ready, I dont know I am kinda flustered as to what to do, all I know is that I will try and not let it get the best of me, I will worry some, and definitely pray for him, but that's all I can do.

NO, MORE, DRAMA!

So as I said a couple of days ago, there are plenty of things going on in my life that I have to blog about. For one, the drama is non stop at my sober living, the most annoying one is the fact that we sprayed the house for bed bugs, yet again (this is my FIFTH spraying) and we may have another one next Monday, AGAIN, making that number six! I have had ENOUGH of this hell hole, but it's gonna be hard convincing my parents that I am ready to be out of this place, since they worry about my safety. I understand them totally, but I feel like I have proven myself with going to school, and being of service, and now with this new job I feel like I am definitely working a lot harder than I ever have before.

On the drama side of things, I had quite the little incident this last weekend. I was sitting at home, watching TV as usual, and all of a sudden I see one of the rehab employees walk out of his room with a plastic bag that made a clink clink clink kind of sound that somehow rang a bell with me...so as I watched TV, I kept an eye on him through the corner of my eye and watched him as he threw the bag away...in our neighbors trash cans. This made me think, I sat there having the most Murder She Wrote-y inner monologue going on in my head, thinking to myself things like “oh, I bet she's throwing away those liquor bottles she's been drinking in our sober living” and “wouldn't it just be so fucking funny and hypocritical for one of the people that lectured me on my drinking a couple of weeks ago, to have been drinking in the house this whole time?”. So I watched him get ready, and get in his car...and as soon as I was sure he was gone, I Scooby Doo'd my ass over to our neighbor's garbage cans, and pulled out the bag he threw away there...and lo and behold, there they were four empty flasks of vodka! The mystery of the hypocritical alcoholic had been solved! I must admit there was this little part of me (OK big part of me) that really enjoyed catching this bit of hypocrisy right under my own roof. So I did what I was supposed to do, I told the higher ups about what I found, and they apparently called him. He denied it, and when he came home, he sat right next to me and denied it as well, saying “it's not what it looks like”...and I said “it looks like you've been drinking INSIDE a sober living”, and he said no...to which I responded “then why does your breath still smell like liquor?”, to which he responded “I don't have answer for that”...check, and mate! Needles to say he hasn't set foot back in this house, or the office since, who knows where he is? I hope he is somewhere safe, getting help for his problem. Me? I am just hoping and praying that I can convince my family that I am a trust worthy man, that is totally dedicated to his new life free of drugs, and full of devotion to my new passion of haircutting.

I'm free, I am FREE...and freedom tastes of reality!

Wow so it's been a while since I've posted anything on here, and what a crazy week it's been. First of all as you can see my little calculator is back, because it just wasn't sitting right with me to hide my true feelings about my program. I have finally come out to people in my program, and they have been mostly supportive; of course there are the critics as to be expected but I basically said, all I need from you is your love, not your judgement, and that is what I got so far. I have finally just decided to try and let go of other people's opinions of me, but that of course is easier said than done.

My one bit of news though, is that I have landed a job...of sorts. Starting August 9th, I will be doing an externship for my dear friend Paul at the new salon he works at in Silverlake, called Sugar. I will be getting school hours, and credits for whatever procedures I help him to do. I am truly excited about this, because even though I will have one less day of relaxation I will be busy doing what I love to do. I feel so grown up, and can't wait to start making a little bit of extra money.

I have PLENTY of other stuff to write about, but after a long day of doing ALL my laundry because of the god damn bed bugs (my fifth time, but who's counting!?) I really need to get to bed, and rest up for school tomorrow.

Since I didn't get to post a video this weekend, I will post one now. I know some people may think they are tacky, but I love me some good STYX...so here they are with one of their classics "Mr. Roboto"

Thank you for being a friend...again...

Boy what a difference a day makes, so last night I was gonna blog my ass off about my gal pal Nick dumping me as a friend, I was gonna write some scathing things about friendship and all that, but I was tired and decided to just go to bed and blog today. Well after a pretty uneventful day of being sick with a sore throat at home, I went to a meeting, and there he was. I politely said hello, but didn't really address him as he asked me to give him space. I was walking to the store to get myself a soda, and he ran after me, and proceeded to apologize for leaving me in my time of need, and we had an amazing conversation about how we were each doing. We both have a similar mindset at the moment of the program, I will of course only express how I feel at the moment, which to be honest could change tomorrow, you never know. I am tired of everyone being up in everyone's business. I mean before I even told anyone that I had slipped on alcohol, I was getting that look from everyone, you know the look the one that says “oh you poor poor unfortunate soul”. I have been thinking about weather I would still be going to meetings if I didn't have to, I am not sure if I would be going to them. I don't think I am better than anyone, but it just feels detrimental to me sometimes, I have to try and follow my sponsor's advice which is that I go to meetings for myself, not for others, but there is only so much shade I can take. I know there are plenty of people who are drug free without going to meetings, and it's not like I'm not trying to deal with my issues, I see a therapist once a week, and I am going to start working on the 12 steps on my own for a while till I start working them with my sponsor, just because I wanna fucking just work on them already I am tired of being in recovery limbo. So I am just glad to have my sister back in my life, because he is one of the few people that gets me, and doesn't judge me, well at least not anymore.

It's my life...and it's now or never...

Well this has been a tumultuous couple of days for me, a rollercoaster of emotions, if you will. The day after my last blog I began regretting a lot of what I said, and the decision I made of resetting my time. It just has not sat right with my heart to do so. To be honest, the main reason that I did so was to save my friendship with my “best friend” Nick, which by the way it didn't do. Yesterday afternoon he told me that he needed to rethink our friendship and was wanting some space. I am of course torn up about it, and very resentful at not having followed my heart. So this is what I am going to do, I am going to keep my time in CMA meetings, and identify as a newcomer at AA meetings. Some people might think that I will weasel myself out of identifying as a newcomer by not going to AA meetings, but only the opposite is true; other than my secretarial commitment on Saturdays at the CMA meeting I started, I will be going to AA meetings instead, and opening my mind and heart to the fact that I may be an alcoholic, and I will work my 12 steps accordingly. This is what feels right in my heart. I have also stopped beating myself up over the two staff members that lost their jobs after my opening my mouth, firstly because one of them knew what we were doing was wrong, and we still did it anyway, so it is as much his fault as it is mine. Secondly, I was told by the program director that the second staff member left on amicable terms, and was not based on my mistaken drunken statement. I have been told by many people in the program, that I go to meetings not for others, but for myself and that I should follow what is true to my heart. I may not be the most popular person in the rooms, but as long as I am taking care of my sobriety I don't feel like I am endangering others. I am ready to loose more friends, whatever doesn't kill me will only make me stronger, I hope. My feelings are the following, I have many friends who quit doing meth all on their own, and still drink; they have friends, lives, careers, their lives have not stopped functioning because of it, am I 100% sure that I am like them? No, I am not, but that is something that I have been exploring for the last 5 years, and so far I have only done meth once because of alcohol. If I were to give up something because of one bad experience I would not be able to do a lot of things in my life, for example I fucked up my first haircut...if I had stopped because of that then I wouldn't have learned how to pay attention to what I was doing, and I would not have learned that I can be a great hairdresser. So I will keep my promise of not drinking till I am done with my twelve steps, but I will not censor myself to make others love me anymore. I have to be honest with the world, because as they say “it is a program of honesty”...

So the video I am gonna post, is the title of this blog post. Here is Bon Jovi, with “It's My Life”!

Blame it on the a a a a a alcohol!

So as you might have noticed, my sobriety counter has disappeared off my page. Let me get something clear, I did NOT put meth or any other hard drug in my body, but I did drink...ALOT! I need to come clean about something, last night was NOT the first time that I drank...my first drink was on my natal birthday, where I celebrated with a margarita at Disneyland, I have had some glasses of wine with dinner and have had a couple of cocktails here and there, but last night I overindulged myself. I saw that I wasn't gonna make it to curfew so I told my houseparent what I did, and he came to pick me up. For one night of drinking I did alot of wrecking, and not just to myself. I lost my time, cost two people their jobs, and I feel like I may be loosing one my closest friends because of it. Those last two are the ones that are wrecking me the most, I changed two peoples lives with one stupid night of drinking, and a big mouth. I love these two men with all my heart and it kills me to no end that my stupidity hurt others. And then there's Nick, my best friend...when I saw him today, I could tell that his energy towards me has changed. He told me that he was scared and worried for me, and that it also worries him how much wreckage I caused that affected others, and that he's scared that I could do the same to him. I went to a meeting tonight, where the speaker shared a similar story about himself, which truly touched me and started to make me think, because originally I hadn't planned on reseting my time because I don't think of myself as an alcoholic! But what he said truly moved me, and then I was talking to one of the guys from the rehab I went to, sharing my fear of losing friends in the program if I didn't reset my time, and how adamant I was about doing it. He said something very wise to me, that truly got to me...he asked me "would you rather loose your friends, or a number?" THAT is what got me, because as embarassing as it will be to stand up as a newcomer for the next 28 days, I will hopefuly still have my friends there for me. So as I get ready to hit the sack at my friend Tim's place, I hope that my brain will catch up to my heart and understand that I may be an alcoholic, and I could possibly not drink ever again. Though to be totally honest, this is my plan. I will for sure not drink while I am living at a sober living, and secondly I will not drink till I am done working the 12 steps of the program, afterwhich I will reconsider the whole drinking issue. The speaker said that after he worked the 12 steps, he was assured that he was also an alcoholic, and that he was forever changed. So I guess i'll wait for the miracle to happen.

What have you done today to make you feel proud?

What have you done today to make you feel proud?

I am posting this at 10:20 pacific time, which is 1:20am eastern standard time. 40 years ago some tragic drunken queens were mourning the death of gay icon Judy Garland at the Stonewall Inn in Greenwich Village, when a group of cops came in and try to take them in for being gay and/or wearing women's clothing...this had been a normal occurrence in NYC 1969 but the queens were not having it that day, not on the day that their Judy passed on. I didn't learn this when I was a grown up, in fact I learned this when I was 12, because as soon my parents found me out and accepted me I began asking them to buy me all sorts of books on gay history, and I became a smart educated little fag, by age 13 I knew all about Harvey Milk, the Matachine society, you name it I knew it. I am so grateful for those queens who decided to not take it anymore, who decided that they were not to be put down anymore, that we deserve the same liberties that our straight brothers and sisters got. I hate to sound like a 90 year old man, but I must express my disappointment in these kids today. They don't know gay history, they don't know the struggles that the gay and lesbian community has had to go through. It gets under my skin to no end when these kids put down drag queens, and effeminate guys because those were the people who fought for us to be able to kiss on the street, hold hands, get civil unions, and some of our rights.

I hope this new fight for gay marriage brings a new group of gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered youth into a movement that is in dire need of new blood and new ideas. I hope this is the beginning of a new era in the gay rights movement, and that it grows. I thank God every day for making me a gay man, I can't imagine my life any other way.

A fun fact from me is that I worked at Stonewall for about 6 months, it was right after I quit my party Pop Rocks! and betrayed them by going to work for this group of guys who ran a party called Gay College Party, which was Thursday nights at Stonewall. It was an honor for me to work there as I had studied it's history profusely, the shame was that I was fucked up as all hell when I worked there, and I regret that to this day. I remember playing extra long songs so that I could run to the bathroom and do bumps of meth, sometimes missing cues and definitely fucking up mixing wise because my high was much more important than my job. Someday I hope to be able to go back there and spin without any meth in order to create some great new memories of such a wonderful and historic place.

Here is a clip from a great movie, Stonewall with the amazing Candis Cayne from Dirty Sexy Money!

Like a Sunset Dying With The Rising Of The Moon, Gone Too Soon

Wow I have been catatonic for the last day because of the shocking news of Michael Jackson dying. I was always a Michael Jackson fan since I can remember, to be honest with you I loved him way before I started worshiping Madonna (but don't tell her that) My sister always blared Michael AND Janet's records when I was growing up, and my sister is a huge influence on who I am today as a music lover.

1993 was a big year for me, that is when I saw Madonna for the first time when she brought The Girlie Show to Puerto Rico, and infamously rubbed our flag on her kaslapas! A couple of months later I was supposed to see the King in concert but that was the infamous concert that he canceled because it was a U.S. Territory and he could get extradited back to LA to go to trial for his alleged charges.

Do I think he did what he was accused of? Probably. Did it affect my love for him? A bit, yeah. I mean I still love Woody Allen after his weird thing, but as creepy as his thing was she was of age when he finally consummated that relationship, if Michael did what he was accused of there is just no excuse for it, children are innocent, for the most part; I mean I was a horny little child and would get on my knees for any kid in my class, but I don't think even I could've handled a grown up. But I digress, he was definitely a talented man who had a difficult childhood and the world of music will miss him for sure.

Weird little story about the day of his death, as you all know (all two of you) I go to school at the Aveda Institute in Westwood, which is right next to UCLA. So as I was cutting some cute girl's hair all of a sudden we heard this huge cavalcade of sirens, first ambulance then police ones. My head went right to terrorist attack, as I still have vivid memories of my 9/11 experiences. Suddenly a lot of my classmates and some clients began getting texts and calls from their friends and then we finally knew, the King of Pop was rushed to UCLA medical center, and was probably dead.

The news was official by the time I was getting out of school, and the helicopters were plentiful above us, it was all very surreal to me, I cued up some MJ on my Zune and was surprisingly moved to tears remember all the good times I shook my ass to his amazing music! I will miss his presence, and the genius that he brought to this world!

It being Saturday I will include one of my favorite songs of his, from a little movie that I fucking LOVED...I watched it at least three times when I went to Epcot with my folks! Here is Another Part of Me from the Captain Eo movie at Walt Disney World!

Just dance!

Here is the video of me dancing backup for my girl Tim Permanent (check him out at timpermanent.com) at LA Pride a couple of weeks ago! WORRRRRRRRRRRRRK!

It's Hard to speak my heart...

Well I am faced with a bit of a situation which involves ethics, the safety of anonymity at meetings, and possibly avoiding a scary situation. There was this couple who are both in the rooms (aka they go to meetings) and they were quite the hot couple, and very much envied by people in the rooms because they were so stunning. A few months into their relationship they broke up, and one of them began sharing at meetings that he was being beaten by this other man. I lost all respect I had for this man, because I obviously don't respect abusers of any kind. I have avoided him at all costs and not said anything to him in a while.

Cut to the present, one of my roommates is hanging out with this man (the abuser) and is considering dating him when the man gets some more time under his belt. In the past I have been known to meddle in other people's business and I have been trying to change that about myself. I have been doing a pretty good job I think, but this puts me in a bit of a situation. First there is the whole morality of anonymity and the fact that you should not repeat what you hear at meetings to anyone else, not even if they are in the program. I also don't want my roommate and dear friend to fall into a relationship that may end up being abusive. The relationship is nowhere near being a true relationship, and I am keeping my mouth shut because of that. There is also a part of me that says, maybe he has changed. Why should I judge him on things he has allegedly done in the past. I mean I wouldn't want people to judge me for things I did when I was using, but then again he was sober when he beat up his boyfriend. I am truly torn about what to do. I think I will probably shut up, and keep it to myself, and the two or three of you that read this, but if anything does start growing, relationship-wise I may have to consult my therapist and/or sponsor about it. Oh well...

It's MY body, and my body's NOBODYS bussiness but my own...

So I was reading my Entertainment Weekly as I usually do on Saturdays when I am not crazy busy, and in the News Monitor & Notes section I read this little note that peaked my interest, it read under “Apologies” : ...On June 12, Oscar winning Milk screenwriter Dustin Lance Black, 35, released a statement to E! News after photos surfaced that appear to depict Black having unprotected sex:
I apologize and cannot emphasize enough the importance of responsible sexual practices.”

This took me aback for many reasons, first of all that anyone cared that he did this, or that he had to apologize for it. I personally do not practice safe sex with my partners, but I do this with first always making sure that I am doing it with someone who is already positive, I do not fuck around with negative guys. I will be the first to admit that when I was fucked up on meth, I would not give two shits about who I was fucking and how, I just wanted to get off...well not get off, since tweekers don't really ejaculate for DAYS, but that is besides the point. I think that it is the two (or more) consenting adults' choice to do with each other what they please, as long as all the cards are out on the table for them to make this informed decision. I have talked to my doctor about it, who is a well respected AIDS/HIV doctor and he said that only in your first year of infection is there a danger of getting this “super strain” of the HIV virus. Of course I run the danger of catching other STDs but that is a risk I am willing to take for now. Maybe someday I will change my mind, but I highly doubt it.

This is the gay community's dirty little secret, that HIV positive men fuck bareback with each other. We see it as one of the few perks that comes with the disease. Let me say this though, I do not, I repeat DO NOT recommend anyone negative out there to zero convert themselves like I did in order to fuck bareback, it is NOT worth it. Cause though barebacking is great, people don't mention when you convert and start taking meds, you get diarrhea at LEAST once a month, you loose energy, stamina, you have to get your blood work done every three months, and for an ex IV drug user that is NOT a pleasant thing! So I think it is bullshit that he had to apologize for doing something that a lot of the gay community is doing, and that as long as he was doing it with a consenting adult who was well informed of whatever situation they were in, that it is nobody's business what they do or not do in the bedroom.

On THAT cheery note, it being Saturday (OK so it's technically Sunday now) here is my video pick for the week is a clip from one of my favorite Tony performances of all time, the show itself was iffy, but this song and these girls fucking BRING IT! Here are the girls from the Broadway show The Life (about Times Square hookers in the 80s) singing “My Body”...WERK bitches!

I am beautiful, no matter what they say...

Wow, so after my big self esteem roller coaster journey this weekend, I have had a little something keeping me pretty high. I know you shouldn't solely rely on outside validation for your self esteem, but let me tell you it didn't hurt after all the self deprecation I performed this weekend. So I shared a couple of days ago about the guy I ran into on the bus, who facilitated my last relapse. Anyway, I found him on facebook, and we have been corresponding lightly on there. I asked him out to a movie this weekend, but he is busy working and so we set on next weekend. After we agreed to that, and I headed to school he sent me this sweet note on there, which was a great surprise to me when I got home a couple of hours ago. He wrote “You are a very sweet guy by the way”...sure my head began reeling and it also began asking myself “What is his angle?”, “what does he want from me?”...I mean someone that gorgeous usually doesn't go for a guy like me, is what I keep telling myself over and over. I honestly had to sit myself down, quiet myself up, meditate and think...why is he attracted to me? What could I possibly have that he finds attractive? Maybe the fact that I haven't picked up a needle in almost 10 months, how about the fact that I am taking care of myself by becoming a strong productive member of my community, how about the fact that I have set my mind on something scary, but exciting that will lead to an amazing life/career. Sure I still live at a sober living, sure I may still be a bit over my usual weight, but these are issues that will take care of themselves in good time. I may not be the best catch out there, yet...but I am sure working hard as all hell to make myself into a better man. So even though I am not totally self confident by myself, I am sure getting there.

PRIDE, in a deeper love!

Wow what an amazing weekend I had filled with pride, and the growth of what looks to be a promising friendship. Yesterday (Saturday) was fucking AMAZING, I performed with my girl Tim Permanent (check him out at timpermanent.com) on the main stage, and I fucking felt like a rock star, and I was just a backup dancer, so I can only imagine how he felt. I have to admit that at the beginning of our friendship there was a hint of jealousy for what he was doing career wise, but that has slowly been drowned out by great respect, and inspiration for what you can do with your life if you put your mind to it. Our performance was brilliant, all dance steps were fiercely executed and he sang beautifully!

After we performed I hung out with one of my newest closest friends, Nick. We walked around the festival, and had a blast dancing, but the highlight of the night was seeing the FIERCE Ms. Deborah Cox perform! Not only because the diva BROUGHT IT, but seeing Nick light up as she performed really energized me, and really drove home why I love this man (oh and by the way, he is probably the first best friend I have had that I am not planning our marriage down the road).

Today(Sunday), started out well enough. Nick and I marched with SOBAR, which is a sober party at this bar called Here Lounge in West Hollywood, we enjoyed walking around WeHo and the festival for most of the day. An issue arose early in the evening when Nick ran into some of his circuit “boy” friends who were obviously high as can be. We were in this sea of muscled shirtless men, who I obviously lust over, and just watching them get more and more fucked up, and starting to get all over each other; at this point this thing I will call “Mean Girls Envy” rushed over me. These big muscled up men are the kind of men I am attracted to, manly looking and feminine acting, so I obviously idolize them without knowing much about them. They intimidate the living daylights out of me. That was issue one, I want to be them so badly, I want to be part of their world (Little Mermaid much!?) I have never felt like I fit into this crowd, but seeing Nick interact with them showed me that he (not a muscle boy himself) showed them something that they like in him, because they all flocked to him on sight.

My issues grew as the night went on, and I saw them rolling on God knows what drugs they were on, and being totally fucked up. This for the first time triggered me, I had seen people high before, but this environment, and my jealousy towards my friends Nick ability to have them in his life really began eating at me, so I did what I do...I withdrew. I didn't want to leave him alone with all these drugged up queens around him, so I just backed off and watched from the sidelines. To be honest with you, I was testing Nick. To see how long it would take him to notice that I had disappeared (5 minutes if you must know), when he walked up to check on me, I told him I was fine and that he should go back dancing ( I said that but you should've seen the pouty face I had on), I was totally screaming for attention and Nick gave me none. I wanted the impossible, I wanted him to read my mind and totally abandon his friends and try and comfort me. On the ride home we were both pretty quiet, I'm guessing from the tiring day we had just finished, and I came home to sulk. Fifteen minutes later I got a text from him saying “ This weekend was so incredibly important to me. Thank you for making it so wonderful and solidifying our friendship even more”. After reading that text, all resentment, jealousy, and disappointment vanished. Without me sending him any kind of text ( you see I was testing him again, by telling myself not to text him till he texted me) he totally acknowledged what I had wanted all along, a sign that I wasn't the only one in this friendship, that he cares for me, and that he values what we have, and for that I am grateful.

Since I missed Saturday's video I will include one of my favorite singers, Robbie Williams performing a song that totally embodies me at the moment...here he is performing “Feel” on the Tonight Show.

Memories...from the corners of my mind...tweaky, hazy colored memories...

February 10th, 2008 was a big day for me...26 days earlier I had celebrated my 1 year off of crystal meth...in jail ( I was in there for my second DUI). I of course was very upset at having spent my first ever one year off crystal meth in jail, without my friends around to support me. I had become quite estranged from meetings because people were judging me for still drinking (let's leave that little issue for another day, shall we?) Anyway, here I was a couple of weeks back out in the real world, feeling fat and ugly ( I had gained about 30 pounds over my normal 145 non tweaker weight) I hadn't been validated by a man in a long while and I had decided to go to the Faultline, my favorite leather bar, to drown my sorrows with tequila and dollar beer. On the bus ride over this gorgeous stocky muscle-y hunk of a man kept looking back at me, and I of course right back at him. We both got off at the same stop, and walked into the same bar. I was floored...never had a man so gorgeous looked at me the way this man did. For the next couple of hours we would give each other looks from across the room, and I kept downing beer after beer and shot after shot, trying to build up some liquid courage to go up and start talking to this guy.

5 beers and 3 cuervo shots later I finally went up to him and began flirting heavily with him, I can't really remember how the conversation went, but I do remember his proposal. “Do you wanna go down to Flex ( a bathhouse 3 blocks down, which by the way I had never been to) and party?” Now for those of you who don't know “party” in the gay world is code for doing drugs. I could not have said “yes” any quicker...we stumbled over to Flex, at which I paid for BOTH our entrances, got us a big “fancy” room with a TV, and being both free of drugs, went about a search to find some meth. He succeeded and proceeded to invite me in to hang with this (I guess) cute Asian guy (I say I guess, because I am mostly attracted to white guys, and SOME Latin guys) and off to the races we went. We partied up a bit, and I proceeded to buy some of his stash from him, we got fucked up together in my room and if I recall correctly, he kinda went on his way.

This pattern with this guy continued time and time again, we would see each other at the baths and he would come hang with me in my room share my drugs, find someone to play with us, and then just leave. Cut to 7 months or so after that first day, and I am on my first or second week at rehab. I go to a meeting, and who do I see sitting at a picnic table in front of the meeting room? This guy indeed, he again gave me a flirty look, and my heart melted. We chatted briefly after the meeting, and went on our separate ways ( I had deleted his number from my phone as he was someone I “partied” with) until today.

I am on the bus, coming home from a long exhausting day at school, and who steps onto the bus 4 stops before I have to get off? This lovely guy, we chatted about sobriety, and what was going on with our lives, but then I had to get off the bus to go home. I haven't stopped thinking about him all day, and thanks to Google I found his full name and added him as a friend on Facebook...thoughts of a sober romance have been floating through my mind since I saw him, but as I sat down to write this I suddenly remembered....he was kind of vanilla when we were high...and usually people loose all inhibitions when they get high, so if he was a prude vanilla boy high, I can only imagine what he is like sober. It was a nice little fantasy though, it did help me remember the sort of door mat and people pleaser I was for the last few years, and it is great to see in myself the growth I have made, that I no longer have to compromise who I am as a sober man, as a sexual being, or in any other way. YAHY! Go me!

Your all alone, and so peaceful until...

I had quite the trying afternoon/evening...I was in WeHo picking up my meds from my pharmacy and I decided to meet up with a good friend of mine who relapsed last weekend. I figured I would be OK since he had told me he had been back to some meetings. We met up at Starbucks for some coffee and sat down to chat for a bit. I love him to death, so I wanted to be there for him in what I thought was his time of need.

The first thing I noticed were the track marks in the creases of his arms, just staring at me, enticing me in that dark evil way things of that nature do. He didn't look bad at all, which was the first thing I sort of grabbed onto in my head. Like “oh, he got fucked up and he doesn't look bad at all...” I asked how he was doing, and the usual questions returnees get “why'd you do it?” .“was it worth it?”, “how bad did it get?” etc. And he proceeded to go on and on about how fabulous it was. How the guy he hooked up with was someone he met on craigslist, and some drop dead gorgeous porn star. How he proceeded to join him in the bedroom after the guy exclaimed “wow, you've got some nice veins...” He got shut up with meth and heroin (this was a guy who just took a cake for 2 years, and who also by the way I used to use with a couple of years ago) and then had some hot nasty sex with the guy, and they even hired an escort to share. As he went on regaling me with his story, I felt myself get aroused. My head was telling me to make him stop, but I guess the disease in me won over, cause I just let him go on and on about how fabulous it was. I tried to get a good answer to “tell me the bad stuff, and why you decided to come back to the rooms?” but he gave no good answer, so I was not able to close the book on my fantasies.

I have constant memories about hanging out with the dealer, and walking up to some new tricks' place and discovering the evil twisted nasty things we would have in common. I wish there was a switch I could just hit to turn these thoughts off. I made up some excuse that I had to get back home to make dinner, which was untrue, I just needed to get out of there as quickly as possible because I found myself staying aroused and fantasizing about a relapse. I thank God that I am in the situation that I am in, living in a sober living, where I am held accountable and where everyone would immediately know I have relapsed. That there is nowhere for me to go if I relapse, my family would disown me, I wouldn't have anyone to stay with, and no money of my own to live off of.

I have been talking to friends, sharing at meetings, anything to try and just get those thoughts out of my system, I hope this overwhelming feeling dies down soon enough, because it really is taking over my head and I don't wanna go back there.

Another Openin' , Another Show...

Wow what an amazing Tony Awards, I must admit that since I have moved out to LA I haven't known as many of the shows on the Tony's, but they never cease to amaze me year after year. I remember watching the Tony's all throughout my youth, loving every last musical number and trying to learn each and every one of them. No thanks to my drug adelled memory I can't remember which was my first Tony Awards, but some of my favorite Tony memories are of one of my favorite musicals, one of my baby's Titanic, Rent rocking out La Vie Boheme (ah my young naive little queer ass shaking) and the most recent moment, was watching last year when a REAL Latin musical, written by a real Latin man, won over the night with “In The Heights” I was crying like a little girl to no end, with such pride in my fellow Latin people.

This year did not disappoint AT ALL! I have to say something up front that may insult my fellow Sondheim loving, Side Show lypsinching friends out there...I LOVED the “Rock of Ages” performance, I have to admit I love the hair rock era and the fact that they made a musical out of it, AND kept the tacky/FIERCE hair and clothes of that era just rocks me out to no end! I also gotta admit that I don't have that much of an interest in seeing Billy Elliot, I know I know heresy, I'm sure I would love it if I saw it, but the performances tonight and in other shows does not attract me to see it at all. Next to Normal in the other hand looks fucking BRILLIANT!! I am so glad that Alice Ripley finally got her Tony (though did someone forget to take her meds before accepting her award tonight!? WOW she went a bit off the deep end if you ask me). One number that totally surprised the HELL out of me was Shrek, I was expecting to roll my eyes just like I did when they performed on The View, but WOW did that gorgeous Christopher Sieber impress the shit out of me...that number was HILARIOUS!

Let's see from the revivals of musicals, Hair was great, Guys and Dolls got fast forwarded, Pal Joey...ZZZZZZZZZZ I love Ms. Stockard Channing, but yeah ZZZZZZZZZZ is all I gotta say, and finally my beloved West Side Story, could someone do me a god damn favor and cast a REAL fucking Latina in the role of Maria already!!?? I could sort of forgive it for the movie since it was the 60s, and minorities were a lot more “minority”-y then...but COME ON it's fucking 2009 get me a dark skinned Maria already! SHEESH!

And I usually TiVo through all the play stuff (sorry, but I am a showtune queen after all) but seeing Ms. Angela Lansbury up there getting her FIFTH Tony was just breath taking and heart warming to say the least. I was quite pleased with Neil's hosting job and not just cause I know what that boy gets into in the bedroom...OINK OINK! So another Tony night where my inner fire was lit yet again, I hope to someday get one, but in order to do so I gotta get off my ass and do something about it, so I'm hoping that writing it out on the internet will help light that fire under me.

I would like to leave you with one of my favorite moments in Tony history, I didn't watch it live as I was too young, but watching this acceptance speech, especially when I was high as a kite really inspired me to get sober and to follow my dreams back to a drug free existence. Here is Michael Jeter at the 1990 Tony Awards where he won for his performance in Grand Hotel, A-MAZING!

I want muscles, all over my body!

God it has been a long exhausting week, and I haven't blogged since Tuesday, that's a real shame. I am thinking of probably taking my laptop with me to school so that I can blog, and post them during my lunch break.

I've been having a hard time adjusting to this new full time schedule at school, in fact today I slept right through my alarm and I didn't wake up till 10 ( I had to be there at 815) so I gotta get myself a better alarm and more rest. I have also added a new thing to my schedule, which is going to the gym. For the last couple of months I have been complaining a lot about how fat I feel. I have gone on a diet, and it worked for a while, losing 4 pounds without any exercise, but I decided to get back into the groove of working out. I remember in my first couple of months of sobriety I had been going to the gym religiously and I had even acquired a gym mojo, but then I got really sick and didn't go back when I got better. So I have worked out twice so far, and I have noticed that I don't feel as awkward as I had before. Before when I went to the gym I felt like Emmet from Queer as Folk, all awkward and super gay, but I don't think I care anymore what I look like. I am there for my health and to help get myself a better body I can prance around proudly. I no longer feel like a fragile little queen, I am pushing myself harder and harder and trying not to quit as easily as I would like to. I think of it this way, I kept trudging on and on after 13 days of non stop tweaking, why should I stop because I am a little tired from working out. I am also not feeling like I have to be a big muscle daddy like the men who surround me at the gym ( I go to Gold's in Hollywood, surrounded by porn stars non stop) I am somewhat comfortable in my skin.

Something else that is new for me is this whole cruising thing in the locker room. I am a total spaz when it comes to cruising etiquette at the gym. I don't know what the proper protocol is, I have stared at guys and vice versa but that is about it. I have no clue as to how this cruising thing goes. I am definitely not one to have sex in the locker room itself, which is weird for me because when I was fucked up I would pull my dick out anywhere when I saw someone that I liked, I had no problem with that, but I guess in sobriety that is just not me. Don't get me wrong I would totally do it, if there weren't any repercussions for that behavior, but I gotta figure out how to work this out and go home with someone, because let me tell you it is about fucking time for me to get laid again, I just need some hot sweaty animalistic pig sex NOW!!!! So I will figure this out little by little and see where it goes.

I missed Saturday, although it technically is still Saturday in my head since I haven't gone to bed yet, so my music video choice for today is a song that I fell in love with the second I saw this performance. I used to play this song to myself while I was coming down to make myself think about what the hell I was doing with my life, and I would always end up in tears. I am glad I am not there anymore, but am glad to remember such days so that I never go back there again. Here is Tracy Chapman performing “Change” on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno, who by the way I fucking miss so much already!

...and I felt... nothing...

So I got back from a meeting a couple of hours ago where I had a very surprising event happen, actually a couple of things happened that I am quite surprised about. First of all, there has been this boy I have been totally obsessing over for the last couple of months who was at the rehab that I went to, and since we were both clients we couldn't do anything. So today he moved out of rehab and into another sober living, so for some reason, I honestly don't know where I got the balls to do this, I went up to him after the meeting and asked him out on a date. He said “we can hang out”, and then (I still don't know where I found my balls for this) said “no, I am asking you if you want to go out on a date with me”...and he shook his head.

9 months ago this would have devastated me completely, I would have run home crying, beating myself up, wondering what the hell was wrong with me that this totally broken down man did not want to go out with this fine piece of husband material, but...nothing...I wasn't upset by this at all. I wasn't exactly jumping up and down either, but it totally didn't affect me or my self esteem. I feel like I have made such growth in the last couple of months, first of all I finally had some balls to go up to someone and ask them out on a date, and second of all when I was rejected I didn't fall apart. I am so amazed at these new developments in my life.

Anyway, I am glad that my self esteem didn't take a hit, and to be honest i'm all “he is missing out on some great husband material here...it's HIS loss”, we'll see how long this lasts, hopefully this new attitude will stick.

You're beautiful, you're beautiful, it's true...

So I have made this very shallow observation about myself, most of my friends are fucking drop dead gorgeous. I never knew I was so shallow, but apparently I am. I feel like most of my friendships start off with me having a crush on them, and basically winning them over with my shinning personality, honesty, and humor (of course). This is probably the reason why I have developed my Rhoda complex. I have been trying to cope with that complex a lot lately because all these people I have crushes on just don't feel the same way about me, and I guess I gotta learn how to cope with it, and I also gotta stop putting myself down. I just got a brand new haircut a couple of days ago, my usual summer haircut : a Mohawk; and I have not felt this sexy in a while, it's certainly a nice change of pace from how I felt being all clean shaven, and “normal” haired (which I had to be for the musical I was in). I finally feel like I'm bringing sexy back. I have also been thinking back to why I pick these friendships, I think identify with remoras...those are the small fish that always swim alongside sharks, and feed off the shark's leftovers. I feel like thats what I have been doing for years, just hanging out with these hunky sexy men, and then kinda just attract those they don't take. I know see this as not being exactly the healthiest thing for me to do for my self esteem, and even though I am not going to be dumping any of my friends because they are drop dead gorgeous, I will start working harder on being so comfortable with myself that no one will ever be able to bring me down, no matter what happens. Let's see how that works out for me...

Anyway it being Saturday, my video pick of the week is one of my favorite songs by a rock chic...here is Blondie with Maria!

So divine, WHERE IS MINE!?

Sometimes I wonder if I enjoy beating myself up, or putting myself in situations that I know will hurt my feelings at some point. I just got home about an hour ago in the foulest of moods. The day started out calm enough, I slept in after a long exhausting weekend of super gay sobriety at a certain convention that I didn't know we aren't technically allowed to mention because it's against our traditions...AnywAy...last night, the show I was in Cirque D'Amazed went AMAZING, the audiences LOVED it and said it was the best show at this kind of convention that they had ever seen. The show IS amazing, and truly touching, and very relevant to what we are going through. During the last rehearsal, and the last show I was balling my eyes out, because it hit me that the show is over, and all these amazing friends I have made I will not see again every weekend like I am used to, and that I will no longer have this outlet for doing what I love doing the most, singing and dancing.

So I started out today with that sense of depression of it being over, plus I have these crushes on all these different guys who obviously don't feel the same way I do, they like me as a friend, and confidant, they ask for relationship advice, and tell me all about their problems with the men in their lives, and it hurts me. I will admit that most of my friendships do start with an attraction towards them, and I do what I do best...I make them laugh, and I also usually tell it like it is in every sense, except for the fact that I have an attraction to them, unless it's in my usual passive aggressive roundabout way of doing so with a joke. But all day, friend after friend after friend that I am attracted to keeps trusting in me all their troubles, so that started pilling on one by one. I think the final straw came when I went into the convention's dance tonight, and half of these boys were prancing around half naked go-go dancing, and it just made me feel less than, because of all this sober weight I've put on. I used to go go dance in NYC, and I just don't feel good enough to do it, I also feel so invisible to all these attractive people. I will definitely take these feelings tomorrow with me to the gym, to start my new workout regiment. I know that having a better body won't fix it all, I definitely have to work on my insides a little more. I have to trust in God's plan for me, I'm just not happy with the way his plan is going for me at the moment.

Anyway, I will share with you this bootleg of a song that kinda is how I feel today “Who will love me as I am?” from the Broadway show Side Show!

Don't Stop Believing...Hold On to That Feeling...

Wow, I just watched the pilot for Glee for the SECOND time...and the more I see it the more I fall in love with it. I was not surprised at all to find out that it was written by the same guys who did Popular on the WB a while back, which was/is one of my favorite shows on TV! The dark humor, interjected with some amazing singing really gets to me! It is so reminiscent of that last scene in Sister Act 2, which I love, and which happens to be my signature closing song when I DJ! My roommate asked me if it took me back to high school, and the truth is that it didn't because I was never truly harassed in high school very much. My freshman year I got the usual faggot, and such but after I joined the cheerleading squad and had all these girls backing me up, it all stopped. Besides I was a bit of a social floater, I hung out with every type of kid there was in high school, so I never felt bullied. I of course felt like an outcast till I came out, but what gay kid doesn't? The passion that these kids have in this show did bring me back to my days at Stagedoor where all these showtune queens were so passionate about musicals, and the weird thing is that most of us were ahead of our times. We were young teenagers that GOT the struggles of the characters in Chess, Nine, Sweeney Todd (well as much as a teenager can) but we were really into the message that musicals have, the social commentary on the war in Hair, the struggles of growing up in Nine, the dark side of the world in Sweeney Todd, they all have deep emotions in them and we got them...that was the passion that I saw in those kids performing in Glee, and the message of doing what you love is what I got out of it, and I fully intend on taking that spirit with me.